Can’t have a two way conversation

[Boogie74]

I realize (now) that it is very common for pwBPD to project problems and accuse others of things like being a narcissist or pushing them away.

I am having trouble even having a 2 way conversation.   If I do much as share a thought or even respond that I agree with a statement she makes, I am accused of being selfish and sticking my unwanted opinion into the situation.   I am told that I’m a narcissist for having something to share in the conversation.   I apparently “interrupt and hog the conversation”when she’s talking.

In reality, I am simply listening to what she says and sharing ideas or thoughts that I have to stay engaged in the conversation.   If I don’t share anything on my mind about what she’s saying, she is in a one way discussion- 10-20 minutes of her talking and I am “forbidden” to speak a word.   Anything short of that makes me an egocentric narcissist that hogs the discussion with things that she says “no one cares to hear about”

Am I alone in this issue?

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[Hope4Joy]

You are not alone. I get blamed for interrupting. Other times it’s “why aren’t you responding faster”. I know I’m not the best at communication, but I like to think I can carry a conversation and know when to apologize for interrupting vs when I am giving an appropriate response, but perhaps not.

Those with experience - do they just not want to hear our ideas? Do we need to preface with “could I say something?” Or “this could be another way to think about it”

[Jabiru]

I am accused of being selfish and sticking my unwanted opinion into the situation.   I am told that I’m a narcissist for having something to share in the conversation.   I apparently “interrupt and hog the conversation”when she’s talking.

I think I can check those on my list too Do you want to keep putting up with that? If not, try setting boundaries to stop any verbal abuse. If it continues after a warning, simply say you need some alone time and exit the room. It sounds like you've become her caretaker and she expects an unbalanced relationship. I recommend reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist as inspiration to change the paradigm in your relationship to become more healthy. It can be hard in the short term but with long term benefits.

Do they just not want to hear our ideas? Do we need to preface with “could I say something?” Or “this could be another way to think about it”

Maybe. They can take someone having a different opinion as an attack even if it's not meant to be. Prefacing can help -- see what works for you. I'd echo the boundaries comment above. I think it's important to have a support network of friends and family (other than your BPD loved one) so you can have more normal interactions and ground yourself.

[NonnyMouse]

Prefacing can help.

Choose your moment, when they are “up.” And if you want to introduce a new topic try and relate it to what you are already talking about.

Those work for me usually.

If in doubt STFU! Sometimes I think it’s best never to start a conversation. And only reply, carefully, to direct questions.

It hurts, though, not being able to share my own thoughts.

[thankful person]

If in doubt STFU!

I usually get accused of “taking over” and “making it all about me”. I am reading the stop caretaking book and I’m finding it excellent and helpful along with the support here.
One of the things I’ve tried recently, since being on here, is not offering suggestions where I usually would. And it seems to be really helping. It’s making me realise how strong the urge is to offer to step in and do things for my wife and fix things she struggles with. And in an almost creepy way, I’m like, omg it’s true… I actually have been making her behaviour and treatment of me even worse…as well as doing far too many things for her to avoid her getting upset. But I have been keeping her dependent. And hopefully it will help her too, to become more independent whilst I attempt to step away from the caretaking role.

[Boogie74]

I usually get accused of “taking over” and “making it all about me”.

I am told this ALL THE TIME!  Her family is also filled with uBPD and uNPD.   She is the only one that is educated in her family.   A common refrain from her mother and sister is “He’s/She’s poking her nose where it don’t belong [sic]”

They are a wholly unhealthy/dysfunctional family and almost all of them fear embarrassment of seeking any kind of medical care- they will debate calling 911 or going to the hospital for big emergencies like chest pains or broken limbs.