Teenager Vaping to Cope with BPD Mother

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This has been going on, the vaping, off and on for about two months with our S15.  Through this period mother's house has become progressively more toxic with two weeks ago a dysregulated fit where she was throwing and breaking things culminating with kicking her boyfriend out of the house.  Somebody that S15 has a relationship with for now 10yrs and someone who can keep the house somewhat calm.  S15 recognizes this.

At the beginning of this two week period we found out about the vaping, S15 was not going to football practice.  So for about the last three weeks he's been with me on weekends and wasn't vaping.  Until last Friday.  Mom's mother had given him some cash for his birthday and he must've used it to buy some THC.  Friday I got an enraged call from his phone, his mother going berserk.  He was at her house and vaping in his room.  The call came around 7:45 and it is odd that he would be in his room at this time.  She calls and is yelling, he's high as a kite, bah, blah and that I need to come and get him. 

This has happened before, something goes wrong at mom's and she calls telling me to come get the kids.  Usually having to do with S17 who is no doubt BPD and very much like his mother.  Basically mother throwing her hands up in the air, not doing anything about the situation and handing them off to me releasing herself from being the bad guy.  Conversely mother has been disproportionate with treatment of S15.  For a long period of time accusing him of doing things he's not in comparison to his brother's unchecked behaviors.  I had told her about this, that she was "damaging" S15 with the continuous false accusations.  She doesn't let him come up for air.  Also found out that she doesn't help him with his schoolwork and his grades have suffered. 

I'm debating having S15 talk to a therapist.  The part about him Friday doing something as foolish as vaping in the house when mother was home got me thinking that this may be more than just teenage experimentation.  That he may be needing to "cope" or, he's hooked on the THC. 

There seems to be more than meets the eye to situations dealing with BPD mom.  For all I know she wanted S15 out of the house so she could go out and find her next victim - advocate male companion.     

[scraps66]

This has been going on, the vaping, off and on for about two months with our S15.  Through this period mother's house has become progressively more toxic with two weeks ago a dysregulated fit where she was throwing and breaking things culminating with kicking her boyfriend out of the house.  Somebody that S15 has a relationship with for now 10yrs and someone who can keep the house somewhat calm.  S15 recognizes this.

At the beginning of this two week period we found out about the vaping, S15 was not going to football practice.  So for about the last three weeks he's been with me on weekends and wasn't vaping.  Until last Friday.  Mom's mother had given him some cash for his birthday and he must've used it to buy some THC.  Friday I got an enraged call from his phone, his mother going berserk.  He was at her house and vaping in his room.  The call came around 7:45 and it is odd that he would be in his room at this time.  She calls and is yelling, he's high as a kite, bah, blah and that I need to come and get him. 

This has happened before, something goes wrong at mom's and she calls telling me to come get the kids.  Usually having to do with S17 who is no doubt BPD and very much like his mother.  Basically mother throwing her hands up in the air, not doing anything about the situation and handing them off to me releasing herself from being the bad guy.  Conversely mother has been disproportionate with treatment of S15.  For a long period of time accusing him of doing things he's not in comparison to his brother's unchecked behaviors.  I had told her about this, that she was "damaging" S15 with the continuous false accusations.  She doesn't let him come up for air.  Also found out that she doesn't help him with his schoolwork and his grades have suffered. 

I'm debating having S15 talk to a therapist.  The part about him Friday doing something as foolish as vaping in the house when mother was home got me thinking that this may be more than just teenage experimentation.  That he may be needing to "cope" or, he's hooked on the THC. 

There seems to be more than meets the eye to situations dealing with BPD mom.  For all I know she wanted S15 out of the house so she could go out and find her next victim - advocate male companion.     

[Notwendy]

Whether or not these two issues are connected, it sounds like your son needs some intervention.

Your son is using a drug. No matter what the reason for doing this is, it's dangerous to him and so some intervention is warranted.

Your son is living with a disordered parent and this can be a lot for a teen to deal with.

I think the counseling is a good idea- for both these situations as each one of them, alone, would warrant it.

[BigOof]

scraps66, sorry to hear this development.

Did you try smoking or drugs in your youth?

[scraps66]

BigO, no, to this day I have never tried any drug.

[Notwendy]

Is it possible for him to live with you?  At 15, I think a child can express preference.

[scraps66]

Notwendy, it's possible, but not realistic if I consider that mom is alone right now.  Kicked her bf out, so her abandonment triggers are at defcon 1.  It's also not practical because I do need her to have him while I infrequently travel for work.  With the issue of the last two months I don't see leaving S15 at home by himself for a long time going forward.   

[ForeverDad]

Is it possible for him to live with you?  At 15, I think a child can express preference.

This was my first thought, too.  She called you to take him.  It's possible he purposely, if unconsciously, meant to get caught.

What is your current schedule?  Why not say, "I'll take him but to help with this he'll be with me most of the time, except when I have to travel."  S15 ought to prefer that and do better if not prosper.

Yes, a counselor would be most helpful, especially if down the road you need to formalize a change legally.

[maxsterling]

I think the counseling is a good idea- for both these situations as each one of them, alone, would warrant it.

+1 here. 

But be gentle with him so that he knows the counseling is not because he did anything wrong.

My kids are 5.  I can already see them developing coping mechanisms that are likely a result of dealing with a volatile and unpredictable mom.  It is very difficult to deal with as a parent. 

[Notwendy]

Be careful not to make leaving him with BPD mom for her well being- to not leave her alone and trigger her abandonment issues. She's the adult, and she kicked out her BF. It's tempting to do that as in some ways, your son is more mature than she is. However, that is also "parentifying" a child. If she leans on him as the "man of the house" for her own emotional support, that's also making him her emotional caretaker and that's a lot for a 15 year old.

I also agree that leaving him alone while you travel is not a good idea. Not just for him, but because a teen home alone with parents out of town is a set up for peer pressure to do things they may not ordinarily do (like the movie Risky Business). You have the responsibility of child support, and so have to meet your job requirements. I think one can only do the best they can in the situation they have, I hope FD's suggestion to have him more time may be workable.

[scraps66]

Had a back and forth with pediatrician and she suggested a local program for teens.

Two weeks ago when all this came to a head, mother was on one of her dysregulated binges where she preys on him not letting him come up for air.  He got so upset he screamed - in the front yard - "I f'n HATE her, I'm not going back there, I don't want to be there."  So the notion of living with me has been in his head.  I just need to wade through whether he is avoiding consequences with is mother or genuinely unhappy.  He has played parents and houses against one another. 

I get him back tomorrow so will see how things went.     

[Notwendy]

I just need to wade through whether he is avoiding consequences with is mother or genuinely unhappy.


He's a teenager. Teen agers can test limits with parents--- all parents. Rather than see this as an either or, perhaps some of both.

To me, him possibly being unhappy is significant regardless of if he's "being a teenager"

Some insights from my own memories of being a teen with BPD mom.

I was genuinely unhappy around her- due to her behavior. And while I would not say I hate my mother- I did say it then, I was so frustrated with her behavior.

My parents stayed together, but if they had not, and given the choice, I would have wanted to live with my father.

It was frustrating having to "obey her" and behave, when she was allowed to behave in ways I would have gotten punished for.

If you couldn't tolerate living with her, why do you think he'd be OK with it?

While I understand that he should not avoid consequences for breaking rules, does the "consequence fit the crime"? In my situation, sometimes even a minor transgression was treated as if it were the crime of the century.

If it is determined that the best situation for him and for you to do your job is for him to live with her, what supports can you put in place for him? Can he spend more time with you? Are there other ways for him to get some space away at times?

[scraps66]

While I understand that he should not avoid consequences for breaking rules, does the "consequence fit the crime"? In my situation, sometimes even a minor transgression was treated as if it were the crime of the century.

A little bit of this going on too and I've told mother it's damaging.  For some time she has been accusing him of thigs that he's not doing.  Taking money from her, taking money from a friend, taking a charger from her house, smoking weed months ago.  This is in stark contrast and disproportionate to how she treats his S17 - who is smoking weed, and whose behavior the last two years has been horrible.  She is "enmeshed" with S17.  So S15 sees all of this too.

I had never given it thought that he may intentionally get caught.  It does strike me as odd that he would vape in her house, in his room at an early time of the evening, 7pm, with her home.  It would be odd for me to find him in his room, door closed, at 7pm. 

[scraps66]

It was frustrating having to "obey her" and behave, when she was allowed to behave in ways I would have gotten punished for.

The FOG does roll in on a regular basis.  I sent a short and diplomatic e-mail two weeks ago when things were bad in mom's house.  This eventually was the night the bf was kicked out.  I stated that, for now, it best that S15 stay with me, gave reasons leaving anything that S15 said, out.  Moments after this S15s phone rings - "Your Dad said you didn't want to come here this week, why?"  Then the power of the NPD showed up - "S15 will be with 'me' tomorrow." 

[Notwendy]

By comparison, I am also the scapegoat child. The enmeshed golden child was treated differently. In retrospect, being enmeshed was worse as this sibling took longer to become independent of her.

You can speak to her all you want, but it won't likely help. How she relates to her children is influenced by her distorted thinking and her projections.

His behavior could be a cry of attention. Doesn't sound like his sibling is doing much better.

[ForeverDad]

Then the power of the NPD showed up - "S15 will be with 'me' tomorrow."

Was it her parenting time or yours?

Just because she previously told you to take S15 on her time doesn't mean she can demand some of your parenting time.  You didn't "trade" time.

[scraps66]

Was it her parenting time or yours?

Just because she previously told you to take S15 on her time doesn't mean she can demand some of your parenting time.  You didn't "trade" time.

It was her time.  However, I was trying to reason with her since S15 was so upset and distraught - objecting to going to her house, that I wanted to keep him with me. 

This has now continued.  S15 got caught again last Thursday night spoking marijuana with two other kids.  Have caught him lying about several things.  Mother is VERY interested in what is going on when S15 with me, telling me what to do, resisting doing anything until I do what she instructs.  What I see is she says something without basis, "S15 has drugs on him," then continues to pepper with me with questions - "Did you search his room, did you look everywhere, he has drugs on him!"  And then tries to "will" her statements to be true.

I had followed up from a site the ped gave me, "Advocates for Adolescents."  Called them, found out they are out-of-network" for ex's healthcare.  However that reimbursement may be possible.  So I call healthcare.  They eventually tell me that since I am not the policyholder they can't go any further unless ex authorizes that they can speak to me.  Try to conf ex in, no answer.  So we had ben texting back and forth about me searching S15s room, and that he had drugs on him. 

I wait a little while, then text her about healthcare and the program.  I say that she needs to call or authorize that they can talk to me.  Her response..."Did you search his bag and room yet, he still has
 the weed."  I say he has nothing on him - now, S15 had gone to her house to pick up a charger - she wouldn't let him in, tells him he can't come in, and sends him back to me - but says he has drugs on him.  "In his bag, room, the charger is in his bag - you'll see he is lying."  This is another thing she is convinced of, he is lying.  He is about certain things - but none of these things mother is accusing him of.

Me:  I respond, "I asked about the treatment plan."

And I asked about you looking for the drugs.  You don't answer me so why do I need to answer you...and the charger, he is clearly lying and you still think he's not.  The charger is in his bag (it wasn't)

Me:  This childish power play, again, is not going to help S15.

Not going to help if you don't do your part either. make sure he knows we know he is lying. The charger he has.  He didn't come here for it.  The drugs he tried to get Zach to take he still has.  They aren't Friend's.

Me:  I reason, if there is something here, why would he want to go to your house. Especially when you claim he has a a charger at my house?

Ex:  You are projecting that I am doing something wrong.  When I am asking you to be responsible and search his room and bag.  And take the phone.  I'm done.

Me:  I'm asking you to look into getting S15 help.  There's nothing in his room and I've had his phone all day.

I sent her a Snapchat screenshot from S15s phone where S17 is telling him, "Get $25 from CashApp and tell Alex you'll give him $10 when you cop."   

To me it appears Friend still has the drugs and S15 asked S17 if he wanted them...then it appears S15 is trying to find out from Friend where he left the drugs. 

Ex: Did you check the CashApp?  If we go to therapy S17 is going too.

Me: Nothing in the CashApp.  He may have been trying to get a gift card from your house.

Ex:  Sends a link, to another therapy outfit - the one associated with our last coparent counselor.  This particular therapist is well known with kids.  Has a good reputation - but knows nothing of BPD.  Ex sort of had him wrapped around her finger and he wouldn't listen to me that we were going through this with one parent that had serious mental issues.  I gave examples of past behaviors.  He says - that is exactly what Ms. exScaps says about you"  That finished me.

In the interim, ex's bf had taken S15 out for the afternoon.  Says they stop at ex's house, get the charger.  That afternoon, I again search S15's room - there is $34 in a seashell jar.  Wasn't there the day before. 

Late in the afternoon I find what looks like a paper straw - looks a lot like the straw from a "cone."  Paper pipe they use for marijuana. 

I have to train myself to be less believing in S15 because he really has been playing games.  But on the other hand bits and pieces of his story are more credible than his mother's.
   

                                   

[ForeverDad]

This may not help if your kids have Apple phones which may use proprietary connectors.  The two most common connector cables are USB or USB-C. There are now receptacle wall outlets that incorporate 2 outlets and two USB connectors all-in-one.  I recently bought an outlet receptacle with one USB and one USB-C plug-in.  All you need is the cable as the connector.

[EZEarache]

It was her time.  However, I was trying to reason with her since S15 was so upset and distraught - objecting to going to her house, that I wanted to keep him with me. 

This has now continued.  S15 got caught again last Thursday night spoking marijuana with two other kids.  Have caught him lying about several things.  Mother is VERY interested in what is going on when S15 with me, telling me what to do, resisting doing anything until I do what she instructs.  What I see is she says something without basis, "S15 has drugs on him," then continues to pepper with me with questions - "Did you search his room, did you look everywhere, he has drugs on him!"  And then tries to "will" her statements to be true.

I had followed up from a site the ped gave me, "Advocates for Adolescents."  Called them, found out they are out-of-network" for ex's healthcare.  However that reimbursement may be possible.  So I call healthcare.  They eventually tell me that since I am not the policyholder they can't go any further unless ex authorizes that they can speak to me.  Try to conf ex in, no answer.  So we had ben texting back and forth about me searching S15s room, and that he had drugs on him. 

I wait a little while, then text her about healthcare and the program.  I say that she needs to call or authorize that they can talk to me.  Her response..."Did you search his bag and room yet, he still has
 the weed."  I say he has nothing on him - now, S15 had gone to her house to pick up a charger - she wouldn't let him in, tells him he can't come in, and sends him back to me - but says he has drugs on him.  "In his bag, room, the charger is in his bag - you'll see he is lying."  This is another thing she is convinced of, he is lying.  He is about certain things - but none of these things mother is accusing him of.

Me:  I respond, "I asked about the treatment plan."

And I asked about you looking for the drugs.  You don't answer me so why do I need to answer you...and the charger, he is clearly lying and you still think he's not.  The charger is in his bag (it wasn't)

Me:  This childish power play, again, is not going to help S15.

Not going to help if you don't do your part either. make sure he knows we know he is lying. The charger he has.  He didn't come here for it.  The drugs he tried to get Zach to take he still has.  They aren't Friend's.

Me:  I reason, if there is something here, why would he want to go to your house. Especially when you claim he has a a charger at my house?

Ex:  You are projecting that I am doing something wrong.  When I am asking you to be responsible and search his room and bag.  And take the phone.  I'm done.

Me:  I'm asking you to look into getting S15 help.  There's nothing in his room and I've had his phone all day.

I sent her a Snapchat screenshot from S15s phone where S17 is telling him, "Get $25 from CashApp and tell Alex you'll give him $10 when you cop."   

To me it appears Friend still has the drugs and S15 asked S17 if he wanted them...then it appears S15 is trying to find out from Friend where he left the drugs. 

Ex: Did you check the CashApp?  If we go to therapy S17 is going too.

Me: Nothing in the CashApp.  He may have been trying to get a gift card from your house.

Ex:  Sends a link, to another therapy outfit - the one associated with our last coparent counselor.  This particular therapist is well known with kids.  Has a good reputation - but knows nothing of BPD.  Ex sort of had him wrapped around her finger and he wouldn't listen to me that we were going through this with one parent that had serious mental issues.  I gave examples of past behaviors.  He says - that is exactly what Ms. exScaps says about you"  That finished me.

In the interim, ex's bf had taken S15 out for the afternoon.  Says they stop at ex's house, get the charger.  That afternoon, I again search S15's room - there is $34 in a seashell jar.  Wasn't there the day before. 

Late in the afternoon I find what looks like a paper straw - looks a lot like the straw from a "cone."  Paper pipe they use for marijuana. 

I have to train myself to be less believing in S15 because he really has been playing games.  But on the other hand bits and pieces of his story are more credible than his mother's.

Scraps66, this is a lot for you to wrap your head around, and I feel bad that you have to deal with it.

I can say that when I was about 15 my parents figured out I was using. They sent me to a couple sessions of drug counseling. Although it didn't stop me from doing drugs, it did keep me from doing anything harder than acid and weed. In hindsight, I wish I never had used. I'm more or less sober now due to having my own kid in my mid-40s and the relationship with my son's BPD mother ending.

I strongly suggest you get both of your sons into individual therapy. You might want to keep your wife out of these sessions entirely and just pay out of pocket. Not sure on the legality of all that, to be honest.

Your children are obviously in this behavior together. It'll take more than a couple of sessions to get them to stop. You'll really need to have the therapist dig deep to find out what is causing them to partake in substance abuse. In my case, it was due to me being in a really terrible Junior High and Highschool. My drug counselor never really determined that part. Maybe, the your sons' therapist will uncover something like that, which goes beyond being brought up by a high conflict personality type mother.

Best wishes and stay strong, I'm sure this is very challenging for you. Especially considering you clearly have never smoked herb yourself. It will be difficult for you to understand everything.