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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Struggling today  (Read 374 times)
Dmacs134

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« on: October 04, 2021, 10:30:05 PM »

I think my ex is uBPD as he exhibits 7 of the 9 DSM traits plus gaslights, projects, manipulates, cheats, lies, afraid to be alone, and his emotions are intense (from love to anger and everything in between). Sorry this is so long. I need to vent and am so sad. Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

We have known each other for 5 years. About a year ago we decided to date. Right away he told me he loves me and tried to move in with me. Neither of us were really ready to date so it lasted only 4 months (although he says 7 months- he counts our reunion as the start of us dating when that wasn't the case at all). We had a horrible breakup, me finding out after that he cheated on me the entire time and was talking to one woman pretty regularly. She was well aware of me, apparently giving him relationship advice on how to make it work with me at 3am, when I didn’t even know we had a problem. 2 days after he dumps me he's making out with this woman.

A week later he's calling her his gf. A month later I find out he's telling new gf that he loves her, but he's also still talking to me, us trying to heal from the explosive breakup. He tells me he likes her a lot, although not a fan of her teenaged kids and doesn't think she's long term because he is still in love with me and knows I'm his person. He also discloses that she's already saw his rage when he got into a bar fight with her there. We don't talk for about 3 weeks because I can't deal with this other woman in his life, feeling they both betrayed me. When we start talking again (now we're at 2 months post breakup), on one hand he tells me how much new gf is good to him, nice, patient, on the other he tells me that she doesn't give him enough time (2 days a week) so he’s told her he needs more time or he’s going to cheat on her (he had already cheated on her btw). According to him, she was upset but agreed to give him an extra day a week.

3 months post breakup he comes to my house for a weekend, us trying to reconcile. He leaves because I had to leave for vacation. A week later he calls to tell me they broke up because he caught her in a lie (keep in mind she's clueless he was with me for 2 days) but he'll "see where she stands in the morning." I told him that means they didn't breakup, but he assures me they did, she just may think otherwise. They get back together the next day. He then discloses a few days later that he picked up a girl at the bar and took her home. He tells me in text how he lied to new gf because she almost caught him. She buys the lie but he says he's going to break up with her after her birthday (which was in a few days). 2 weeks later he's telling me they had another huge fight, this one about her kids making it known he doesn't care for them, and he's "struggling to understand what she means to him," that his love for her isn't like it is for me, his love for her is "born of and is kind" whatever that means. He reiterates he's in love with me and I'm his person. He comes back to my home (I live 5 hours away) and spends a week with me, telling new gf he's at his parents. We get a matching tattoo (before you judge, it has meaning of where we both worked before we met/became friends) and have a great week together. He leaves because he made vacation plans with new gf and family and feels bad breaking them.

3 weeks after that (now we're in month 5 post breakup) we have a big fight because I'm exhausted hearing how much he loves me and wants to be with me but won't break up with her. His words and actions aren't lining up. I've told him that what he is doing to her behind her back does not instill any trust in me and I am now fully aware of what he's capable of doing behind my back. He sends me a long email, professing his love, 2 days later a loving youtube video, and I reply with a not so nice response because I'm hurt and angry and feeling played. We don't talk for a month.

Out of the blue, unannounced and not invited, he knocks on my door. He says he's there to tell me that he's "put me down for good" and that he did break up with new gf to be with me but didn't tell me because I didn't need to know at that time. He said that my reply to his love letter was the last straw and made him realize that I'm only ever going to hurt him and that I'm just not a nice person. I asked him why he didn’t just send me an email to say as much, why did he have to come to my house? He replied, he had to tell me to my face, that I had to know and that he needed to know that he wouldn’t buckle if he saw me. We talk for a few hours. He proceeds to stay 4 days with me (so much for not buckling), lying to new gf (allegedly they were broken up for 2 weeks and got back together after my "mean" reply to his love letter). During this stay he tells me of how he broke up with her, telling her that he’s going to be with me and he’s going to make it work with me. He said she left in a "pile of tears" but he felt relieved it was over. He also disclosed that she found out that we got the tattoo’s and how he lied to her about being with me. He convinced her it was "only the one time." She still has no idea that there are 5 other women he's also slept with since we broke up. He tells me that he's going home to end it with her for good and he'll be back in a few days so we can work on us. The next day he calls me to tell me he's "choosing her" and he spent the drive home remembering why he's "put me down" and how I'm "always just going to hurt him." He also said that he realized that he really does love her and is in love with her.

Having enough, I sent new gf everything in a nice email. Seriously it was not mean at all. I let her know that he’s playing us both and he just spent 4 days with me, sending her proof of this visit (we went bowling, etc), I sent her all the screenshots of the text messages where he says he's cheating on her having sex with ex-wife, Tinder girl, girl from the bar, me, and the phone sex he had with some random FB girl. I sent her the texts of him saying he doesn't like her kids and texts of him saying he's going to dump her and how she doesn't do it for him. All his words. After our "he's choosing her" call, I blocked him on EVERYTHING and told him I was no longer keeping his lies and secrets.

This has been 2.5 weeks now. A week ago he's telling my friend that he still loves me but can't bare the hurt I "intentionally inflict" anymore and new gf is simply nice to him. 6 days ago he left me a voicemail (iPhones have a blocked messages folder- dumb feature) saying he just wanted to hear my voice. 4 days ago she's posting on pintrest loving meme's of going through storms with your person, she's blocked me on all social media even though we were never "friends" so couldn't see each others stuff anyway, and he's buying her gifts.

So now my ego is in overdrive and I want to break no contact. I don't know why. I don't know what I would say. I just know he's telling her that he can now be faithful to her because I'm 100% out of the picture and I was the reason that he threw away his standards these past months. I know she's happy I'm out of the picture. I'm just so confused how he gets to be happy while I sit here sad and depressed at both the loss of love but also the loss of my friend. How can she still be with him after all he's done to her and he doesn't like her kids? They've been dating maybe 5 months now there hasn't been a single month of their relationship where he's been faithful or truthful to her. How does a person turn a blind eye to that behavior? How does a person that treats women so awful gets to find love?
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B1987
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 75


« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2021, 02:18:20 AM »

Hi Dmacs134

I'm so sorry to read what you're going through, your story is very similar to mine. My ex gf discarded me then moved someone else in with her days after this. A few weeks later though, she got back in touch saying that although she's living with someone, she still loves and misses me. I fell for her charm and even starting sleeping with her again until I learnt that she was just using and manipulating me to sooth her own misery and emptiness. She is now blocked for my own wellbeing and self-respect!

Anyway, back to you.

I assure you they have NOT found love! Do any of his actions suggest he is in a loving relationship? BPD's are soulless and miserable people who do not understand the concept of real love. It may look like they can bounce from person to person and be happy, have fun sex and exciting times but to them, its all a desperate scramble for survival. They need supply because without it, they feel like they will die, literally. Personally, I can't imagine a more miserable existence. They are not in relationships because they love the individual, they are there because they get some form of attention, validation or distraction. They are only there to extract from the person and bring chaos into their lives as that's their default. Nothing and no one can sustain them - they are doomed to repeat the same destruction cycle with everyone.

As for the woman he's with, a lot of people will put up with anything to avoid being lonely. It''s a sad fact and I've come to just let these people get on with it. I thought my ex's new guy must be something special after she moved him straight in but it turns out he has more issues than she does! i won't go into the mess they've created for each other but the point is, you never know what's really going on so don't believe the happy pictures you see of them. Again, these are just for desperate validation to mask their unhappiness.

Despite all this, I still miss my ex so much and am often tempted to unblock her. I have to remind myself of the constant drama and negativity she brought and ask myself if I want to deal with that for the rest of my life - the answer is no.

One last thought which I think is important for us both as we're in similar situations and really helps me when I get tempted to reach out. After seeing how casually they can cheat, could you ever really relax being back with them? Seeing how easily my ex could switch from me to someone else really shocked me and there is now no doubt in my mind that she cheated in our relationship. Sure, it would feel great if she came back to me but my mental health couldn't take the worry and doubt of when she was going to be unfaithful. Every time I went to work I'd be worrying where she was, who she was with, etc. I absolutely do not want to live like that.

They are very damaged people and programmed for misery. We hurt right now but will heal. Know that you're not alone! 
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Dmacs134

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2021, 09:39:04 AM »

Thank you so much B1987! Thank you for not only reading my really long post but also replying. It sucks that you went through a similar situation but I have to say knowing there’s someone else out there that can relate to what I went through does help me tremendously. Sometimes you just feel so alone when it comes to toxic relationships.

I do miss my ex and contemplate unblocking him daily. I remind myself that he’s just not a good person. I noticed the other day (after a quick unblock and reblock… moment of weakness) that he is active again on social media. He has been liking a lot of scantily clad women’s pictures on Instagram. I wonder if this is the beginning of the discard stage for the new girlfriend. I may pose that question in this forum. With me, towards the end, he was doing the same thing but also talking to this girl that he’s with now. It has been officially one month since he “chose her.“ He still a daily thought and I hate that because I know he’s not thinking about me at all. He even said as much when he was here those 4 days, that I’m no longer his first thought in the morning or last thought at night. That cuts like a knife.

Anyway, I agree with you that we have to keep reminding ourselves that they are cheaters and they will keep repeating these patterns and maybe we are the lucky ones to get out and be able to gain peace in our life again. I’m here if you want to chat. Thank you so much for your reply.
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