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jmbl
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« on: October 19, 2021, 10:25:44 PM »

Hello!

I usually post in the "bettering a relationship" boards, but I'm starting to feel as though I am beyond that point...

Over the past 6 months we have gone through numerous transitions. We moved and were told within 5 months that our landlord was moving back into our home, so we moved again about 1 month ago. We each finished university (his Master's my nursing Bachelor degree) and each started new jobs: mine has proven to be incredibly challenging during the ongoing pandemic. N, my pwBPD, also stopped at his job and began his final practicum for his degree. During all of this, I feel his respect and kindness towards me has gone downhill and I no longer have tolerance or patience required to be with someone with BPD.

There have been weeks where he will leave each day and not tell me where he is going or when he will be home. He has been suicidal. He has been cycling on and off of his Vyvanse which has made thing exponentially worse. He has called me awful names, like c*nt, blamed me for things that are out of my control, rolled his eyes/swore at me when I have shown any signs of negative emotion or stress from work, threatened me with violence (I'll give the neighbours a reason to call 911; if you were anyone else I'd flat out knock you out), attacked my character, put me in situations that were unsafe (getting our car stuck down a steep dirt road on the side of a cliff), made me stay out late when I have to get up at 5 am and then getting angry at me when I say I am ready to go home (and getting angry at me when I say I don't want to go out with him because he stays out too late). He most recently told me that he is just going to stay with me until he's done his practicum in February and then he will be leaving me. Last weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving), he left the house around 5pm, just as we were starting to cook dinner. My step daughter (age 6) and I waited 1.5 hours for him to return, dinner cold and plated. After dinner, her and I were watching a movie and I happened to look into the kitchen and saw him standing oddly. He looked like he had taken opiates, most likely heroin. I have never felt so heartbroken as I did that night. I told him it was unacceptable, but did not get angry or lash out - to me, he's hurting really badly if this is the route he chose to take. He denies the use of opiates that night, although I know this is a lie. He yelled at me when I questioned it. That same weekend, he left her and I alone and then later told me that he doesn't think I have very good parenting skills.

Since that weekend, he has called me names and put me down to the point that M (step daughter) has absorbed it and now exhibits the same behaviours towards me (this has been cumulative over the 6 months). For example, he thought it was funny to call me Aunt Jemima (I am mixed race). Not a funny joke, but I brushed it off knowing his sense of humour. He then told M to call me that and my gut wrenched thinking of having to explain to her that it's not a funny joke (she wouldn't believe me because her dad said it). I am finding that as time goes on, it is more them against me. I am asked to "treat her as my own," but when I try to, unless it's ogling over her and pampering her, I am cut off and told to get away from them.

He blames me for his financial situation. He has worked maybe 4-5 months out of the last 3 years because of school and healing. He had lots of savings put away that just finally dried up and he has resorted to using credit until he is done his practicum. This is reasonable - many people accrue student debt when in school. He yelled at me when I told him that I have been saving some money for us. He yelled at me that he paid hydro and internet, but I pay the hydro bill. He demanded we pay 50/50 for everything, but won't share the internet bill with me and refuses to pay me back for groceries, heating, and hydro. I feel he is trying to take advantage of me in this area.

He tried DBT, but now refuses to return. His psychiatrist left town about a year ago and did not reassign her clients to other psychs. Our town has limited resources, and the only psych in town accepting patients is abysmal.

I feel that it doesn't matter what I do anymore and I am in a position of having to choose what's best for myself. My name is on the lease with his and my bank information is in the hydro account, which I don't have access to. I am nervous that he will use this against me. I feel a great deal of shame and guilt for wanting to leave, and I worry about feeling regretful or like I am giving on him, but my trust has been severely broken and I can't even talk to him about how I feel because he refuses to listen to me.

I don't know what I am looking for with this post. Any guidance or words of wisdom are appreciated. It actually just feels really good to put it down in words.
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kells76
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« Reply #1 on: October 19, 2021, 11:16:40 PM »

Hey jmbl...  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Lots of moving parts. Let's just take it a piece or two at a time. As you have more clarity on the "what can be done/what can't be done" on each piece, you may have a better picture of where you want to choose to take things.

SD6... Is her mom involved, and to what extent? If so, what's your relationship with Mom like?

Hydro bill... Gut feeling is you aren't the first in this situation. What would it be like to call them up, sketch out what's going on, and learn what it would take to get your name off the bill while leaving N's on?

Baby steps, as long as you're safe.
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« Reply #2 on: October 19, 2021, 11:37:01 PM »

As kells76 wrote, don't ponder the mountain of issues, just tackle it stone by stone.

You're approaching Acceptance, a reference to the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss.  It is what it is... you tried but it's up to him to want to improve himself and he's not doing that (as evidenced by his current behaviors and declining to do DBT therapy and applying it in his life.

Look at all your documents.  Don't have joint credit card accounts, nor joint ownership of vehicles, etc.  The good thing about leases is they do have an end date and he can't force you to renew the lease with him.

Have you have any legal consultations so you're more confident where you stand and what you need to do?  Whatever your marital status, the principles and advice in William Eddy's SPLITTING handook are essential help for you.

Also, you probably have long since figured this out for yourself, but you have to be the one handling birth control.  Sadly, having a child does not fix these serious mental health issues.  As it is right now, you can work your way through unwinding the entire relationship.  But once you have a child together it gets vastly more complicated and the contact extends for decades whether or not you separate.
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« Reply #3 on: October 19, 2021, 11:47:51 PM »


SD6... Is her mom involved, and to what extent? If so, what's your relationship with Mom like?

Mom is very involved, and M splits her time 50/50 between homes. Her and I have a very good relationship. She recently told me that she worries about how N talks to me.

Hydro bill... Gut feeling is you aren't the first in this situation. What would it be like to call them up, sketch out what's going on, and learn what it would take to get your name off the bill while leaving N's on?

My name isn't actually on the account at all, just my banking information. I don't want to make any moves until something is finalised, but definitely will need to call to remove my banking information. As for the lease, that will be trickier, but I know this is a small detail in the grand scheme of things.
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« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2021, 11:57:03 PM »

As kells76 wrote, don't ponder the mountain of issues, just tackle it stone by stone.

You're approaching Acceptance, a reference to the Five Stages of Grieving a Loss.  It is what it is... you tried but it's up to him to want to improve himself and he's not doing that (as evidenced by his current behaviors and declining to do DBT therapy and applying it in his life.

Look at all your documents.  Don't have joint credit card accounts, nor joint ownership of vehicles, etc.  The good thing about leases is they do have an end date and he can't force you to renew the lease with him.

Have you have any legal consultations so you're more confident where you stand and what you need to do?  Whatever your marital status, the principles and advice in William Eddy's SPLITTING handook are essential help for you.

Also, you probably have long since figured this out for yourself, but you have to be the one handling birth control.  Sadly, having a child does not fix these serious mental health issues.  As it is right now, you can work your way through unwinding the entire relationship.  But once you have a child together it gets vastly more complicated and the contact extends for decades whether or not you separate.

All of our entities are separate, so I am not too worried about legal issues. Our lease is month to month, so I can give my notice and leave it up to him to renew it under his own name. I feel bad and embarrassed because we just moved in here. I feel worried about his wellbeing if I leave. I know he will crumble for a while, and I know he will recover, but I worry about what damage he may cause when he is low (with his practicum, schooling, and parenting). I don't want to leave, but I feel that by staying, I am subjecting myself to harm.

On another note, during his last outburst, I had to have my mother and a friend involved for fear of my own safety. They are wanting me to leave and no longer support me staying in our relationship because of how he has spoken to me. I wish I could just speak to him and tell him where I am at, but I know it will just trigger him and he will hold it against me and his fear of my abandonment will torment him.
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« Reply #5 on: October 20, 2021, 12:16:13 AM »

There is also the issue of furniture and household items. The majority of our furnishings have been bought by myself in the past year, each piece meticulously chosen (and sometimes bargained for!). He informed me early on that he didn't want to spend money on furnishings, so it would have to come out of my pocket if I felt the need for it. Down to dish towels. Now, I would not be a petty person and take each item, but the majority I would want to take with me as I spent money and time on them, and a lot of it. Again, I feel a lot of guilt knowing that a lot of the comfort of the home would be lost if I was not here, but at the same time I do not think it'd be fair for him to benefit from me while not being my partner. It feels petty writing it, but I do not want to have to refurnish a home by myself.
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« Reply #6 on: October 20, 2021, 06:06:00 PM »

Your tug of war is your sense of Fairness debating whether to do what's right or splitting it more in his favor.  This is a time to beware of your own sense of fairness, it can in some ways sabotage you.

After all, if he was the one to exit, would he be concerned for your interests?

Whatever else, protect yourself.  Be sure to have a friend or relative with you when moving or discussing moving.  Ending a relationship and separating is known to be a time when conflict is most likely.
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« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2021, 11:51:45 AM »

You’re already very cognizant about an issue to your safety. Perhaps it might validate your thinking to take a threat assessment test Mosaic test

Like ForeverDad said, you are negotiating against yourself. Take what belongs to you without guilt.

We cannot save others from themselves and these patterns you are experiencing now from him are foretelling how the future will unfold.

It seems you’ve come to clarity about this, and will have some grieving to do, but at this point, you are relatively unencumbered. Do what’s best for you. He will manage. This isn’t his first rodeo.
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« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2021, 12:13:18 PM »

Several times over the past 15 years, my stepdaughter needed a safety plan. My husband and the boyfriend of SD's mother were prepared at any time to bring a rental truck to her apartment, quickly load what belonged to her and the grandaughter, and place it in storage -- while her partner was at work. You might need to consider such a plan, depending on what evolves as you consider your options and your level of security and safety.

If you paid for items, take them.
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« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2021, 01:24:07 PM »

Probably best to leave while the girl is with her mother and of course he is elsewhere.

You may wish to give the mother a heads up in advance, but since you don't know what might leak to the father, intended or not, probably best to do it while you're leaving or have left.

The mother sounds like a reasonably normal person.  She may decide to keep her daughter with her until the father settles down a bit.  If she has a court order for parenting, she may even decide to seek more parenting time in the schedule considering how he can't handle his own life, perhaps requiring unscheduled drug testing before getting their child.
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« Reply #10 on: October 25, 2021, 05:14:57 PM »

Hello all,

Thank you for the replies and the support. It is a very tough situation to be in, but in the end we are all responsible for our wellbeing and safety.

Not long after I posted this, N had a very real suicide attempt - scratch that, I interrupted what would've been a completed suicide.

He had attended a psychiatrist appointment with a new psychiatrist that he had been waiting 4 months to see. He was really looking forward to it. The psychiatrist was an unkind man who made belittling statements, dismissed N's concerns, and provided no improvement in terms of medication management. I trust N's words about this and am in the process of filing an official complaint on the doctor's conduct. N tells me that this appointment set him over the edge, and he made the decision to take his life.

Leaving the doctor's office, he decided to buy fentanyl - an unfortunately easily obtainable substance in our town that is damaged by the opioid crisis. He took some on his way home, got into a car accident (car totalled) and had his licensed suspended for three months. He was home for less than 30 minutes when I found him, dusky coloured, laying in bed - unresponsive, not breathing. I called 911 and began rescue breathing/CPR. From there, we went to the emergency department (where I work), and he was committed under the Mental Health Act. Unfortunately our hospital does not provide inpatient psychiatric help - if he were to stay in hospital for 30 days under the Act, he would simply be waiting to be released while they did "medication management." After one night stay and a meeting with a very impressive, caring psychiatrist, he was released with strict parameters regarding his medication and a follow up appointment to join a trauma-informed therapy program that is operated by a trauma-informed psychiatrist. He has an intake call tomorrow and I hope that it is a good program.

I no longer feel I can leave, and I don't think I want to. In hindsight, I see that N's behaviour was out of control, like somebody who has fallen into a deep and dark hole and cannot find their way back out. He is a shell of himself and has been for a long time. I am not upset at myself for missing the signs, but I missed the signs. His mom is staying with us now, and she is a blessing - as close to a saint as you can get.

I don't know what will happen going forward.
I feel like we are stuck in a great unknown.
I'm grateful that he is alive. He continues to wish he was not.
I'm beyond overwhelmed (I'm currently in a city 5 hours away preparing to write a professional exam in the morning).
I don't feel like I'm living in my own skin.
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« Reply #11 on: October 25, 2021, 06:04:23 PM »

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

It's OK to feel out-of-body for as long as you need to. That may be what you need right now, so your body is taking care of you to get you through.

You're doing great at taking one day at a time. If you feel like you can't leave right now, then that's OK.

Excerpt
I am not upset at myself for missing the signs, but I missed the signs.

Yeah... I understand. I have been through that, too. Sometimes our minds can take in info that we see, and for reasons sometimes unknown to us, we don't process what it means at that time.

...

I am so glad your MIL is available. I hope you can take some time to be away from the house while she is there.
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« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2021, 09:38:23 PM »

A thought about writing a complaint... that's a path hard to undo.  All you know is what he told you about the session.  What if they were his perceptions and not all that factual?
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« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2021, 10:57:47 AM »


Please hear me "second" the wise words of ForeverDad.   Be patient with complaint writing.

Be proactive with information/informing his medical team.  This psychiatrist should know what your pwBPD has done after this appointment.

It's entirely possible there is an additional trigger/information that your pwBPD has not revealed.


switching gears.

I'm curious what  the masters degree is in?  When is that over?  Is he considering PhD or is it masters and back to the workforce?

I definitely got the vibe this is a major thing in his life...and it's one that should have an end date to it.

Last:  You posed a wise and insightful issue.  "I'm not sure  I can do this anymore..."   pursue these feelings..understand them.

And also...

"Should I be doing this anymore?"

Best,

FF
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« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2021, 02:59:32 PM »

Is his ex going to assume more parenting at this point?  Or will you stand in for him during some of his parenting time?  Frankly, he is in no way capable to parent right now and his ex may restrict his parenting to supervised visitation until he demonstrates more stable mental health.

He is an adult and at some point he needs to stand on his own two feet.  My concern is your switch from "I have to leave for my own welfare" to "I have to care for him and can't leave him now".  We're not there but in a manner of speaking... he found a way to keep you involved?
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« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2021, 12:10:57 AM »

Be patient with complaint writing.

Yes, I am going slow with the writing. I am ensuring it is done meticulously while paying attention to how N describes it as time goes on. I do trust N's description of the appointment and his account is backed up by the unprofessional conduct of the front desk, which includes multiple phone calls to each of our numbers (5+ each) without messages being left to know how to spell N's name for provincial billing purposes. As they informed me, they don't have his name written/have not properly filed his original referral. Perhaps the psychiatrist is a good guy, but your role as a healthcare provider to a vulnerable population is pivotal. I have been on both ends of healthcare - your words matter, especially with somebody in a crisis.

I'm curious what  the masters degree is in?  When is that over?  Is he considering PhD or is it masters and back to the workforce?

I definitely got the vibe this is a major thing in his life...and it's one that should have an end date to it.
His Master's is actually in Counselling Psychology. As he has stated, and as I have witnessed, he excels in it like he has yet to do in his life. His practicum is at a facility that knows his history and his diagnosis, and deeply values him. They have offered him a position upon completion. He states he wants to work full time, I have supported part time re-entry to the workforce. The end date is February 2022. I look forward to him finishing, and I hope that after this, he does.

I am unsure whether or not I can/should continue in this role. Him and I are both uncertain of the future and what it holds: will we remain together? Will N be alive? Will he continue being able to engage in "regular life?" What does treatment look like? The reason I will not leave is because N is somebody I care for, and just like I would be for a friend, I am here for support.

I have had to take on more parenting responsibilities. His ex-wife is not cooperative and is mostly concerned about how this is going to impact her life. Just this morning I had to ask her to stop texting me because she was texting me unkind things about N. Over the past week, it has become more clear to me that she has been quite abusive towards N over the course of a decade (through collateral information from N's parents and from how she now speaks to me about him/tells me she feels about him/describes how she would "control" his impulses). I don't feel an ability or a desire to have her involved in our life anymore. I will maintain an amicable relationship with her (within my boundaries) in order to support step-daughter's wellbeing.

It's entirely possible there is an additional trigger/information that your pwBPD has not revealed.

He has revealed these triggers:
1. Psychiatrist appointment
2. He "knows" I was considering leaving (I believe he read a text notification [or texts] on my iPad - he has not said this though)
3. Car accident
4. Abusive texts from ex wife

Perhaps there are more, but I do not feel this is my area for exploration. We need more professional help, and it's been incredibly delayed. He had an intake appointment yesterday (phone) in which he told them that they had 10 days or it'd be too late. They followed up with me today, informed me that there is not much they can do. I have spoken with a hospital psychiatrist as well who has given me some information on how to better advocate/who to advocate to. He saw N today as well and I think it went well. He told me he put in a "rush" for N to be seen by the community psychiatrist.

He is an adult and at some point he needs to stand on his own two feet.  My concern is your switch from "I have to leave for my own welfare" to "I have to care for him and can't leave him now".  We're not there but in a manner of speaking... he found a way to keep you involved?
I can see how this connection could be possible, but I don't feel it is the case. In no way do I feel this is about me, it feels like it is about an internal struggle that I cannot see or help with.
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« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2021, 06:51:33 AM »


Have you informed the treating psychiatrist (I believe same guy you are considering a complaint on) that your hubby had an episode?

What was unprofessional about calling you for billing information?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #17 on: November 08, 2021, 02:41:47 PM »

Hello all,

Long overdue update. I have been spending a lot of time focusing on myself, taking care of myself, enjoying my hobbies, and spending time with friends.

I have not informed the psychiatrist about N's suicide attempt. I do not wish to be in contact with this office, I have heard similar accounts from others now that reflect N's experience. In regard to the unprofessionalism of the psychiatrists office, they called each of our phone 5+ times without leaving messages - this to me is unprofessional. Most offices know to call, leave a message, and wait for a return. Further, to not have correct spelling of a client's name on ANYTHING is inappropriate. I too work in health care and know how provincial health documents come in - if you do not have the appropriate spelling, there is something off about your filing and organization.

Yes, I understand that this is an opinion but when you are in a position of power (as we are as healthcare practitioners), your word and conduct ought to be impeccable. We ought to practice with the ethics of beneficence and non-maleficence. When a psychiatrist makes comments comparing you to Michael Jackson, when a psychiatrist prescribes medications after being told you have had an adverse reaction to that medication, this is unprofessional and has great potential to cause harm.

In regard to myself and our household, it has been quiet. There has been a lot of honest, respectful, and reflective discussion between N and myself about how to EACH be healthy. For myself, I have come to recognize that my priority must be myself. I cannot allow my own wellbeing to be sacrificed for N's needs, for this creates an unhealthy balance. At some point, I realised that I want to put into the world what I want. I choose to act in a happy and positive way. If this is not received by N, I move on and focus on myself - I walk my dog, I go to yoga, I spend time with friends. This weekend, I am visiting a friend out of town. I informed him and stated "I would like to talk about it in a couple days to see how it fits with you." Since then, he has said it's good for me to go. End of discussion for me and I am visiting her. If, after the fact, he tells me anything about it disappointed him, I see that this is not my battle - if he didn't speak up about it when I gave him a chance to, then he must suffer any consequences. This approach has worked well in our communication and individual wellbeing.

We have no plans for the future. We each recognize that we do not know what will happen. I am taking things day by day and going at my own pace, with a focus and prioritisation of my own wellbeing. I feel good and content, and I finally feel okay.
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« Reply #18 on: November 08, 2021, 04:11:25 PM »

Addition: N's ex-wife informed him that she did not want SD with him alone, only when I was home on my DAYS OFF. I said absolutely not to this as it is inappropriate and a dictation of my schedule which she cannot do. They have gone back to regular schedule withS SD. N is back in counselling and speaks of "not wanting to die, just wanting to learn to not live in my brain." I am slowly working on my boundaries and prioritization and it's been nothing but a blessing Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: November 08, 2021, 05:28:01 PM »


If you feel this is an unprofessional psychiatrist (sounds dangerous from your report)...I'm curious why you are not appropriately reporting him...I assume you know how since you are in the industry.

I would also think it wise to get his office's response to the suicide attempt "on the record" since their appropriate response now is they can't be responsible for information they don't know and any report would likely go nowhere.  Your report makes this guy seem dangerous...

I would shocked if a psychiatrists office called and left messages because what if they got the wrong number.    "Hey Mr Bob Smith please call Dr (insert name) office back"

Now..if they get Bob's number wrong and the person getting the call google's Dr (insert name) and figures out he is a psychiatrist...and now this gets around town.  That...is a major breach and the kind of thing I'm guessing they are trying to avoid.

As you approach your husband and his treating medical professionals I would encourage you to take the most parsimonious view of their actions for a good long while.





I have not informed the psychiatrist about N's suicide attempt. I do not wish to be in contact with this office, I have heard similar accounts from others now that reflect N's experience. In regard to the unprofessionalism of the psychiatrists office, they called each of our phone 5+ times without leaving messages - this to me is unprofessional. 

Best,

FF
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Gender: Female
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« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2021, 05:26:03 PM »

If you feel this is an unprofessional psychiatrist (sounds dangerous from your report)...I'm curious why you are not appropriately reporting him...I assume you know how since you are in the industry.

I would also think it wise to get his office's response to the suicide attempt "on the record" since their appropriate response now is they can't be responsible for information they don't know and any report would likely go nowhere.  Your report makes this guy seem dangerous...

I would shocked if a psychiatrists office called and left messages because what if they got the wrong number.    "Hey Mr Bob Smith please call Dr (insert name) office back"

Now..if they get Bob's number wrong and the person getting the call google's Dr (insert name) and figures out he is a psychiatrist...and now this gets around town.  That...is a major breach and the kind of thing I'm guessing they are trying to avoid.

As you approach your husband and his treating medical professionals I would encourage you to take the most parsimonious view of their actions for a good long while.



Best,

FF

We are in the process of writing the complaint, but have not submitted anything. Thanks for the advice on getting the psychiatrists response “on record.”

Currently, we’re both focused on getting our feet back underneath us - individually and collectively. We each have external pressures and everything is rather overwhelming. We are living day to day. I cannot speak for him, but I know I’m incredibly overwhelmed with coming to terms with not only the suicide attempt, but also the events from the past 6 months. We both agreed to tackle the complaint/speaking to the psychiatrist office once we each felt more grounded.
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