How to tell bpdM that I'm cancelling wedding she's paying for

[wmm]

I posted about this in the summer and was warned by some people to not let my mother pay for my wedding. I let her do it because I don't have the money to pay for it. It's gotten out of control and I've decided that I need to cancel it and go to city hall with my fiance. My mother has already put down deposits on some things and I can't afford to pay her back right now.

There's been issues along the way with my mother. I'm also just stressed about the wedding in general and not looking forward to it. I don't like big parties and my mother kept pushing me to invite more people that I didn't want to. I finally put my foot down and said that she couldn't bring a friend that she asked me if she could invite. She said she understood but then kept asking me on the phone. I said no on the phone (she already had other friends coming). After our conversation, she texted me and asked again if her friend could come. This time I told her we could wait and see how many people RSVP'd. Every time I had told her yes before when she asked if she could bring someone she told me that she loved me so much and it seemed very manipulative.

The last straw was last night when she told me that my fiance's dad and stepmom couldn't come unless they were vaccinated because she didn't feel that it was safe for my dad who has diabetes (he's vaccinated). At first, I thought her point was valid but the wedding was supposed to be outside. His father also doesn't go anywhere other than the grocery store once a week. He has a big plot of land and hasn't left there (nor his wife) since the pandemic started because he's very afraid of getting covid, but also afraid of the vaccine. If anyone's being safe, it's him. There was no discussion of if we could all wear masks or if everyone could get tested ahead of time. The thing is, my mother has not been careful at all during this pandemic, even though my dad is vulnerable. Last Christmas she had everyone over (my younger sister is a frontline worker at a shelter) when nobody was vaccinated. She got really mad at me when I didn't come. I didn't go because it was against the lockdown rules and my fiance and I didn't think it was safe. It seems like she is doing this to get back at me for not letting her friend come.

I'm trying to decide how I should tell her that I'm calling off the wedding. I wish someone could just do it for me. I'm so anxious about dealing with this and my mom getting mad at me (she scares me) that I've been physically sick to my stomach. I scheduled a session with a therapist I talked to before and she suggested that my fiance and I call her together and tell her over the phone that we want to cancel the wedding. Originally, I was going to email her but I was really anxious about receiving a long angry email back from her. I have a hard time saying what I want to say when I'm on the phone with her because she intimidates me. It'll be worse if I see her in person. I'd like to have my dad on the phone call but he is hard of hearing. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I should tell her and should I include my fiance if I'm phoning her? I feel like I need his support. Also, should I explain why I want to cancel the wedding or just keep it sweet and short and tell her it's off then end the call? I'm feeling really anxious and overwhelmed.

[Methuen]

Can you see the difference between telling  your mom you want to cancel the wedding, versus you are cancelling the wedding? 

Big big difference.  In the  first you are opening the door for her to take control and make drama.  In the second, you are in control.

It might be worth  your while to research cancellation policies.  There might be situations where deposits are refundable, or just a small cancellation fee is retained from the deposit.

Regardless of whether you tell  her in person or  by phone, do NOT be alone.  BPD’s don’t act as badly when there is  a witness.    It could be your partner, but it  could also be a bridesmaid or trusted friend.

[Notwendy]

Oh dear, I think we all know how that is going to go.

The thing is, this happens anytime I say no or have a boundary.

There's really no good way to say this to avoid the reaction. One advise though is to make it about you, not her. Saying it's anything she did or didn't do is fuel to the drama.

Also be appreciative ( overly).

Dear mother, we are so appreciative of your wanting to finance our wedding. We very much appreciate all you have done for us. You have been so generous.

However, fiance and I have decided to get married in a simple ceremony with just our parents there. We understand your hesitance to be around unvaccinated people, but you are welcome to attend. We will provide details.

I understand that you may lose your deposits and I would like to repay you in the future. We are unable to do this at the moment, but hope to do this when we are able to. Thank you. Talk to you soon!

Hang up before the reaction.

[Notwendy]

Also, as hard as it is to not take the reaction personally, accept that it will likely be extreme but that may not last for the long run.

You will, in the moment, have done the most horrible thing ever, be the worst daughter on the planet who has completely ruined everything.

Once we were taking a family trip to see my father's side of the family. We know this would hurt her feelings. We didn't intend it to do that. It was also a trip to see the area where they lived- my kids wanted to see that part of the country and so it was a vacation/sightseeing trip too. It was scary to tell my mother but we had to- she'd have seen pictures on social media- and it would have been hurtful to find out that way.

Yes, she was upset. She then refused to speak to us for a while. She also said she'd not ever send the kids presents again. I told her that was OK, they didn't need presents. A card or phone call was fine with us.

A few months later she was calling me to ask what to send for a birthday, acted as if nothing happened.

This kind of thing happens whenever I have said "no" to my mother or had a boundary. She tends to push boundaries- she will either be super nice, mean and hurtful, or act extremely hurt as if I did it to hurt her. Like most adult children, I think we all want our parents to be pleased with us and this is a scary thing to consider. I don't want to disappoint my parents and neither do you. But it's not unreasonable to want to have your fiances parents at the wedding, and to make it small or have it outside to protect everyone during the pandemic.

One idea with the deposits is to keep that date for your parents' party and move your wedding day up. If it's a simple ceremony- you can just go ahead and do it with immediate family present. Then your mother can still have her party, with her friends to celebrate the wedding. The two of you can show up to greet the guests and your fiance's parents don't have to be there. This puts the choice of cancelling in your mother's hands- she can go on with the party or cancel it herself. She may also be able to move the date to another time without losing the deposits. Still she has the choice. But you choose your wedding date independent of this- and ahead of time so there's not negotiation.


 

[wmm]

This is all very helpful. I don't want to let her keep the party because I don't want her to use the fact that she paid for a party for me against me when she's mad at me and trying to guilt-trip me. I will definitely offer to pay her back when I can. I'll look into seeing if I can get some of the money back. The problem is that everything is in my mother's name so I'm not sure if they will let me get the refunds for her since she paid for it with her debit card. She already paid for a $3000 dress. I don't know what to do with it. I was thinking of saying I'd accept that as her wedding gift but it's a lot of money and I don't want her to have anything else to hang over my head. Any thoughts?

[Methuen]

You could try selling it online.  At $2000 it would be a bargain for the right person for a dress never worn.  Then you would only owe $1000 to her.  I'm making the numbers up here - you could change them to whatever you thought was appropriate.    

We have recently sold quite a bit online.  It might be worth a try.  

On the other hand, if you want to keep it and wear it for your smaller private ceremony, a different solution will be needed.  I guess she could gift it to you, but that's unlikely to happen without drama or strings attached.  The other option is to pay her back, maybe even in installments?

As painful as all this is, remember to be kind to yourself.  Don't beat yourself up.  You will have learned so much from this experience, and all of this learning will help you hugely in your decision making (around your mom) as you move forward with the rest of your life.   

Your mom spun out of control with the wedding planning because she couldn't help herself.  It's a disease.  You could not have reasonably foreseen just how bad it would get in advance, because it was a first.  Now you know.  Take that knowledge, and work with it moving forward.   

I'm very sorry for all the angst and pain this must be causing.  The good thing is that you have made this decision for YOU, and YOUR wellness, and your relationship with your partner and his parents.  You are taking back autonomy for your own life.   

[Notwendy]

First let the dust settle. You know she's going to be furious at first.

The deposits for the party are on her card, and it's then up to her to decide to get them or not. Maybe she'll decide to have her own party - or get a refund or whatever but  this is her decision to make since they are on her cards. Basically she can do what she wants with her own money.

You can ask her for a total of what she loses on them and that's what you would aim to pay back over time.

As to the dress, if it's a non refundable item, then you can ask her what she wants you to do with that - later though. She may even demand it back, and if that's the case, give it to her. If she tells you to keep it then you can decide what to do with it. A decision doesn't need to be made immediately.

[zachira]

I remember your story from several months ago. As painful as this is, you are setting a very valuable and important boundary early in your marriage: making the wedding about what is best for you as the bride. Methuen and Notwendy have offered some valuable advice. I would add that the less information you give your mother, probably the better it will be for you, as the more she knows, the more hurtful drama she is able to create. Perhaps, you could say you have decided to not get married right now, so all the reservations need to be cancelled. Maybe somebody else could tell her. Part of self care with a BPD mother, is doing everything you can to protect yourself from her trail of wrath. The ways you choose to protect yourself may feel terrible (and they are not) because you wouldn't do these things with a mother who treated you with love, kindness, and respect.

[Methuen]

Good point NW.  If the wedding is off, maybe it’s refundable?  Worth checking out?

[wmm]

That's helpful. Should I have my fiance call her and tell her? My therapist thought we should do it together. Originally I was going to email her but my therapist said that then I would be waiting for an angry email back so she suggested calling her and not to do it alone. I was going to block her number afterwards because she sends a lot of mean text messages when she's angry. Should I email or call her and if so, should it be me, my partner and me, or just my partner?

[zachira]

I like your therapist's idea of you and your fiance telling your mother together. You are going to need the support of your husband throughout your marriage, and it will be important to have him there as much as possible so you don't spend time alone with your mother, which is likely when she is most comfortable treating you badly. You and your husband also will have decisions to make about how to protect your children from your mother.
My mother did everything she could to ruin her children's relationships. She tried to ruin my sister's marriage, the only one of us to ever get married. My BIL was furious with how my mother treated his children.

[Notwendy]

I think you will feel safer with your fiance with you. You alone with your mother would be tougher. I also like the idea of blocking her, even temporarily, to avoid having to deal with her immediate response.

[GaGrl]

I agree -- tell her as a couple. This sets you up for future situations -- and they will arise, for sure.

Before the conversation, script what you want to say. Keep it focused and as brief as possible. Do not allow your mother to interrupt and take you off-script. Then practice what you are going to say! This is important -- it will really make a difference (even if it feels weird).

Have several replies prepared so you can repeat your decision without giving her an opening to change your mind or become abusive.

[wmm]

I postponed calling my mother because first, she was away on holiday and then she told me she was sick. She is also currently manic (she has bipolar disorder) and this has made her lash out even more and drink more (she's an alcoholic). The reality is there would never be a perfect time to talk to her. I called my dad last night crying on a whim when I knew he was alone because I couldn't keep it in anymore. I wanted to check if the decision to not allow my fiance's father to come unless he was vaccinated had actually been made by both of them because my mom makes stuff up. It turns out that my dad had not agreed to several things my mom said was decided by both of them regarding the wedding. He also didn't know about other stuff my mom had done to gaslight/bully me. I ended up just telling him everything and he told me that he would talk to my mom for me because I told him I was really afraid to talk to her and having her get mad at me is really triggering for me because it reminds me of her abusive treatment towards me when I was younger. He texted me this morning and told me that he tried to talk to her this morning but she cut him off and told him she would call me when she got home from church. He tried to talk to her in the morning because she gets drunk during the day/evening, which makes it more difficult to talk to her (she gets angrier) and she often doesn't remember conversations. As I type this at 2pm, my mom is probably sitting on a patio by herself drinking (she does it every Sunday after church). My father could have pushed harder and insisted that she listen to him but he is afraid of her too. He often would get me to stick up to her for him or look after a difficult situation and he would just disappear into the background when I was younger, leaving me to also look out for my younger siblings. I'm disappointed that he didn't finish the conversation with her but not surprised. He texted me telling me that he wasn't able to say anything to her and that I would have to call her and talk to her myself even though I reminded him that it was really hard for me and the last time I stood up to her on the phone about another issue with the wedding she just kept pushing and ended up texting me afterwards several times still pushing for what she wanted and not accepting no for an answer.

I sent an email to both of my parents from my fiance and me just now. I did this because my mom twists what I say to her when I talk to her on the phone and makes stuff up when relaying it to other people. I wanted my dad to know exactly what I had said to her so I sent the email to him as well. I also wanted to have the conversation in writing to back me up if she tries to make up stuff to other family members. Maybe I'm a coward, but I feel like I needed to do what I could to preserve my mental health. I also have other stressful things going on in my life right now and feel quite overwhelmed with everything. I kept the email short and sweet, starting by stating that my fiance and I appreciated everything that they had done for us and that ALL immediate family members from both sides of the family would be invited to attend and we would take safety precautions by having everyone tested ahead of time and also have everyone wear masks. I then texted my dad telling him that I had emailed both of them and that I would not be checking my text messages anymore nor answering the phone.

Apparently, my mom had tried to contact me several times in the last hour and then called and texted my fiance when I didn't answer. I blocked my mom ahead of time so that I didn't have to see her mean text messages (they make me very anxious). My fiance has now also blocked her because she won't stop contacting him.

I know this is going to be messy and that I can't avoid her forever if she is invited to the ceremony. My dad said he would attend the ceremony. I don't know how my siblings will react.

Did I mess up? Should I suck it up and talk to her on the phone with my fiance? She's so good at manipulating situations and my fiance doesn't know what to say to her so I think it would have been me doing most/all of the talking.

[Methuen]

Wmm, I am so thankful you were able to have this private conversation with your father.  Having had the opportunity to tell him everything, and for him to share with you that he had NOT agreed to everything your mom had said was from both of them, was very important for you to know.  Hang on to the authenticity of that conversation.  It makes such a difference that you were able to have it.  No matter what happens from this point forward, remember that authentic conversation you were able to have with your dad.  Remember also, that in the future he may not be available to you the way you want, because he is also her victim.  He is with her every day.  Imagine that.  He is going to have to do what he has to do to for his own survival. 

I sent an email to both of my parents from my fiance and me just now. I did this because my mom twists what I say to her when I talk to her on the phone and makes stuff up when relaying it to other people. I wanted my dad to know exactly what I had said to her so I sent the email to him as well. I also wanted to have the conversation in writing to back me up if she tries to make up stuff to other family members. Maybe I'm a coward, but I feel like I needed to do what I could to preserve my mental health.

I see this as rational, mature, and courageous.  You put the information out before she could twist it.  Well done.  Very wise to have it in writing.   

 

I'm disappointed that he didn't finish the conversation with her but not surprised. He texted me telling me that he wasn't able to say anything to her and that I would have to call her and talk to her myself even though I reminded him that it was really hard for me and the last time I stood up to her on the phone about another issue with the wedding she just kept pushing and ended up texting me afterwards several times still pushing for what she wanted and not accepting no for an answer.

This is BAD advice from your dad.  He is saying this to protect himself from her dysfunction.  Please don't feel you have to listen to his advice.

 

I blocked my mom ahead of time so that I didn't have to see her mean text messages (they make me very anxious). My fiance has now also blocked her because she won't stop contacting him.

Again, this shows wisdom and maturity.  You are protecting yourself from getting drawn into her drama.  Just my opinion, but I believe with my whole heart you are doing the right thing.  She is emotionally abusive wmm.  Keep protecting yourself from that.