New here

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

Just joined here though I've been reading this board for years. I have been married to my wife for 4 years now, she has been showing traits of this illness at least as long. I tried to ignore them and use tools to get over difficult situations. Sometimes they work, sometimes dont.

Things got complicated as we had our child recently, there has been tough times for her because of nights with little sleep and such. I have tried to help her as I can, I do full time work so in the days I cannot be with her. For few days shes been lashing out and it escalated yesterday that in her opinion I couldnt do anything right. We had an arguement while I tried to help her cook. She was feeding the baby while I was my back turned to her, she kicked me straight between the legs. Now I've said to her that never hit me like that because I tend to have reflex to hit back. So I turned kicked her in the leg. Needless to say it wasnt very bright thing to do, but this sended her into rage and she put baby away and started to hit me with kitchentowel. I tried to duck her hits while she was screaming for divorce and stuffs.

We have had this kind of episodes in the past before child, and usually I could go out before things get out of hands. Now I dont know would it be wise thing to leave her alone with child, she hasnt showed any violence towards her.

Just I am a bit lost and very worried.

I dont reside in english speaking country, so there might be mistakes in my writings

[LionGame]

Hello all,

Just joined here though I've been reading this board for years. I have been married to my wife for 4 years now, she has been showing traits of this illness at least as long. I tried to ignore them and use tools to get over difficult situations. Sometimes they work, sometimes dont.

Things got complicated as we had our child recently, there has been tough times for her because of nights with little sleep and such. I have tried to help her as I can, I do full time work so in the days I cannot be with her. For few days shes been lashing out and it escalated yesterday that in her opinion I couldnt do anything right. We had an arguement while I tried to help her cook. She was feeding the baby while I was my back turned to her, she kicked me straight between the legs. Now I've said to her that never hit me like that because I tend to have reflex to hit back. So I turned kicked her in the leg. Needless to say it wasnt very bright thing to do, but this sended her into rage and she put baby away and started to hit me with kitchentowel. I tried to duck her hits while she was screaming for divorce and stuffs.

We have had this kind of episodes in the past before child, and usually I could go out before things get out of hands. Now I dont know would it be wise thing to leave her alone with child, she hasnt showed any violence towards her.

Just I am a bit lost and very worried.

I dont reside in english speaking country, so there might be mistakes in my writings

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[khibomsis]

  LionGame and welcome to the family! I am so sorry to hear of the troubles that brought you here, but happy that you decided to share.
I totally understand what happened, I am also like that. Should anybody hit me my PTSD kicks in and my instincts respond. I am quite clear (and suspect this is true of many people here who identify as co-dependent) that part of the reason I am such a pushover is because I fear the consquences should I allow my temper to be let loose.  It is important your wife hears this, so try to wait for a calm moment and broach the subject again. Make it about you and your shortcomings ("I am sorry I am like this") and she may be able to take it onboard.

Is your wife diagnosed? Is she in therapy? Are you? These are important questions in helping us understand how to move forward.

Indeed pregnancy and small children do seem to exacerbate the pwBPD on these boards.

I would say keep trying to stop the argument before it gets there. Indeed what helped me to turn us around was beginning to hear how invalidating I can be. Maybe review this lesson? https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Indeed walk away. If the baby seems safe with her it is way better than your child growing up watching the two of you fight. Also be aware that you need to protect yourself against domestic violence charges.  Some posters on these boards have found themselves in jail through trusting that things will work themselves out.

 

[Cat Familiar]

Welcome LionGame. khibomsis brings up excellent points. When disagreements escalate into physical violence, regardless of who instigated it, if authorities show up, it’s usually the man who is blamed.

Can you share how the argument began? It often helps us to understand the “he said/she said” dialog.

[LionGame]

Thank you, khibomsis. I tried that validation/taking the blame on me, it worked for now but it is still feels hard after 4 years bending backwards. But I guess it is the way to go. I too am very scared letting my temper loose, it has happened few times when having alcohol in the past before this marriage, things which I regret. Therefore I havent drank much at all in long time.

I thought myself going in therapy years ago, I had bad anxiety which probably came from long time being bullied in school. I had meds for it but they really didnt fit to me and they can do only so much without therapy.

My wife doesnt have any problems when it comes to her, she finds faults in all other people so it is not very fruitful topic to discuss with her.

Welcome LionGame. khibomsis brings up excellent points. When disagreements escalate into physical violence, regardless of who instigated it, if authorities show up, it’s usually the man who is blamed.

Can you share how the argument began? It often helps us to understand the “he said/she said” dialog.

Hello, Cat Familiar. I am aware that situation, few years ago my wife really tried to push me to make a move, exact words were "ok, if you're not coming inside, I report police for domestic violence, lets see who they believe" I was walking away from situation, so much adrenalin was going after this literally I almost blacked out. I managed to get away anyway. This fight started her saying about my slowness and stuff in cooking process, and then some smaller issues like milk was left on a table, I said it was there already when she started to cook. She said yeah but she cannot do everything, I said you really cannot do everything in which after it went physical. Maybe tone of my voice was sarcastic because that blahblah went on for half an hour and she spotted that. It really was so silly, minor thing.

[Cat Familiar]

It doesn’t really take much to incite a BPD rage when they’re on the verge. Voice tone, feeling placated, really anything can be a trigger. It’s a sign that the relationship has been teetering on the brink of dysfunction for a while.

The article khibomsis suggested is a good start for repairing things. And it will take a while. One invalidation can undo the good work of ten validations. At this point, validating might not be too successful, as she sounds suspicious. So best is to figure out how not to invalidate, and that’s easier too!

[thankful person]

Hi lion and welcome, you are truly in the right place, the people here are so kind and knowledgeable. I have been on this journey myself recently, my wife and I have been together 7 years and have two young children. I have also realised more and more how her behaviour is potentially going to affect them, not just seeing their parents fighting and occasional physical violence of sorts, but mentally and emotionally too. Our eldest is now two years and I am trying to slowly and peacefully as possible take some of the power back, stand up for myself and the children. It’s hard but I feel much more positive by learning what the people here have to share. Validation techniques have really helped me, a lot of the time my wife just wants to be heard and I have realised my opinion was not generally required. Much of the crazy stuff she says, she doesn’t seem to mean it. I wish you and your family all the best.

[LionGame]

It doesn’t really take much to incite a BPD rage when they’re on the verge. Voice tone, feeling placated, really anything can be a trigger. It’s a sign that the relationship has been teetering on the brink of dysfunction for a while.

The article khibomsis suggested is a good start for repairing things. And it will take a while. One invalidation can undo the good work of ten validations. At this point, validating might not be too successful, as she sounds suspicious. So best is to figure out how not to invalidate, and that’s easier too!

Thank you Cat Familiar, I checked that article and it seem the way to go not to invalidate her feelings. It just now when we both are under stress it's easy to slip things unintentionally.

Hi lion and welcome, you are truly in the right place, the people here are so kind and knowledgeable. I have been on this journey myself recently, my wife and I have been together 7 years and have two young children. I have also realised more and more how her behaviour is potentially going to affect them, not just seeing their parents fighting and occasional physical violence of sorts, but mentally and emotionally too. Our eldest is now two years and I am trying to slowly and peacefully as possible take some of the power back, stand up for myself and the children. It’s hard but I feel much more positive by learning what the people here have to share. Validation techniques have really helped me, a lot of the time my wife just wants to be heard and I have realised my opinion was not generally required. Much of the crazy stuff she says, she doesn’t seem to mean it. I wish you and your family all the best.

Hello, Broken person and thank you for welcoming. Youve gone long way with her, I am after 4 years a bit loss with my wife. The crazy stuff that comes out is sometimes so disturbing to hear. I'm happy that I can go to work during days, it actually not so stressful comparing being at home. This is good place that I can a bit open up my situation, I cannot really talk to other people about all these things in real life, their advice would be likely to run away far and fast

[thankful person]

Hello, Broken person and thank you for welcoming. Youve gone long way with her, I am after 4 years a bit loss with my wife. The crazy stuff that comes out is sometimes so disturbing to hear. I'm happy that I can go to work during days, it actually not so stressful comparing being at home. This is good place that I can a bit open up my situation, I cannot really talk to other people about all these things in real life, their advice would be likely to run away far and fast

I totally get you lion, I desperately needed to talk to someone - anyone! - about my relationship for seven years and never could until I finally found this site. I’ve found it so helpful here. I’ve become more trapped the past year because I am mostly teaching from home due to the pandemic, mostly because our little baby is clinically vulnerable. It’s been a very hard time. There has been so much to learn recently, but I am finding some things are improving. It really would’ve helped me to be here on the site when our first was tiny, I was always getting screeched at for doing things wrong and I handled it totally the wrong way, still that’s in the past, things can only get better right.. Don’t give up hope.

[NotAHero]

Hello and Welcome Liongame

 I think it is important to note that if you were bullied at school you will always be at risk of losing your temper when under physical attacks. If your wife is a BPD ( sounds like she is) then bending backwards after physical violence episode means she will repeat and escalate the behavior.

 I suggest setting immediate and firm boundary around that issue. If she ever attacks you again for any reason take your  child and leave to a safe place. Family , friends or even a hotel for the night. Do not go back until the issue is resolved and a firm boundary is set.  Failing to take things seriously can end up with catastrophic outcome.

[LionGame]

Hello and Welcome Liongame

 I think it is important to note that if you were bullied at school you will always be at risk of losing your temper when under physical attacks. If your wife is a BPD ( sounds like she is) then bending backwards after physical violence episode means she will repeat and escalate the behavior.

 I suggest setting immediate and firm boundary around that issue. If she ever attacks you again for any reason take your  child and leave to a safe place. Family , friends or even a hotel for the night. Do not go back until the issue is resolved and a firm boundary is set.  Failing to take things seriously can end up with catastrophic outcome.

Thank you for advice, NotAHero. This is something that I've tried to do before by leaving situation and telling that it is not acceptable behaviour. Enforcing it is something I need to do in future, things just got tricky with the baby.

Sorry I havent write reply earlier, we had some sort of a crisis here with the family. My sis cut us from her life, partly because of behaviour of my dear wife. Tried to mend this relationship but it is hard with both my wife and sis being too stubborn to accept each others view.