What to do when you just can’t agree?

[babyducks]

Totally agree with Cat.

Keep on being kind to yourself and celebrate the small victories.     You are making progress every day.     That's the important thing.    I see it as a big step that you identified what your own wants/needs are and then even contemplated drawing a boundary and saying No to your wife.     

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

BP- please continue to take care of you. No worries about pleasing us here- we've learned from our own tendencies to enable and also know it's progress- not perfection. Also, any advice needs to be considered in one's individual circumstances.

A boundary can only be a boundary if the person is able to uphold it. This house issue may not be something you feel ready to uphold but the progress is that you are now aware that you have agreed to something you have reservations about. This awareness will help you in other situations. This poem is an analogy of that.  

https://simpleandpractical.com/stages-change-poem/

Family patterns are interesting to look at- not from a point of blame but from one of understanding and learning. One area I found support in was in 12 step groups for codependency and ACA. When they were first recommended to me I was puzzled as alcohol is not an issue in my situation, but I learned that the family and relationship patterns where there is an alcoholic are similar to those with a disordered family member ( such as BPD). I also learned how these patterns can persist in generations, due to the behaviors being learned- but the good news being that learned dysfunctional behaviors can be replaced by more functional ones when we work at this.

We tend to choose romantic partners with whom we share certain patterns/behaviors- even if we don't share the disorder. For instance, in a family with an alcoholic, there often is an enabler and poor boundaries. The children growing up in such a family have had enabling, poor boundaries and addiction modeled- and so may take on behaviors, even if they don't drink alcohol.

This isn't to blame parents. If they grew up with these patterns, then they do the best they can with the relationship tools they have. But knowing this helps us to consider learning different ones.

One thing that motivated me to work on change was to change the cycle. I grew up with enabling behaviors and poor boundaries- and I took that into my marriage. I didn't know any better at the time. All I knew was that in order to be loved, I had to please other people. Understanding that I was a role model for that for my children motivated me to do some personal work on this. I wanted them to be able to stand up for themselves. To do this, I had to learn to stand up for me and be more authentically me. I understand the tendency to say "yes" and be fearful of saying "no". Saying "no" to my mother resulted in her acting out. Walking on eggshells was the normal for us growing up. No parent is perfect and we all will make mistakes. We only know what we know to do, but I wanted to do better for me and for my children.

It's great that you bought yourself a hairbrush. If finances are tight, do things like this that are manageable. Treat yourself to a fancy coffee if you like that, or a book, or watch a movie on TV you like, take a walk, go to a park, things like this that you do for you.

Also, you don't need permission to buy an outfit for the kids, or a treat for them.

The jealousy of your attention to your mother, or your children, I think is not unusual. My BPD mother has a difficult relationship with my father's family. She also seemed resentful when he paid attention to me. I imagine it irked her that I felt closer to him than I do with her, but he was easier to be with and I felt emotionally safer with him. But just because it bothers them doesn't mean it's wrong to love our family members.

One aspect of your childhood that parallels BPD is a lack of boundaries. Your parents seem to have lacked boundaries with you and given you anything you wanted. They also tolerated being treated poorly by you. This was your role model. Now, with your wife, you have poor boundaries, give in to what she wants and also tolerate behaviors. This isn't your fault- this is what you knew as family growing up. It's also something perhaps your parents learned in their families. But now that you know this is not something you want to continue--- you can learn to change it. Don't be hard on yourself.  If this is your default behavior-the one most practiced and learned by you- it feels odd to you when you do something different. But you know from practicing piano that as you work on these skills, you get better at them.

[formflier]

So for clarity...the house sale isn't "over"...right?  Is it more accurate to say that you signed a sales contract with an investor that has given you a lowball offer?

Are there contingencies where they can drop the contract?

How long until projected closing?

How many solicitors did you get opinions from, before you selected the solicitor you are using.

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

So for clarity...the house sale isn't "over"...right?  Is it more accurate to say that you signed a sales contract with an investor that has given you a lowball offer?

Are there contingencies where they can drop the contract?

How long until projected closing?

How many solicitors did you get opinions from, before you selected the solicitor you are using.

Best,

FF

Nothing is certain at this stage. I haven’t even signed anything actually. The agreement I made with my wife last week was that it would go back on the market for a week to see if it sold and she insisted on cash buyers only and we’ve had no interest at all. The investor has asked that we put the price back up to what it was originally just for one day, which I find very bizarre, apparently this increases the market value. But none of the others thought this as I did suggest it. Apparently it should be completed by the end of this month but there are no writtem terms for this. We are using one of the solicitors the estate agents recommended when they got us the first interested buyer. They have been rubbish but we are now on the 4th person in the company and we complained about the others so now we have the top conveyancer there and she is really nice and sad for us. His solicitors have been in touch with her so it seems it’s going ahead. He could drop his offer at a later stage but it would be stupid cos we’ve made it clear we’re not interested but I don’t expect that bothers him. Who knows, I’m just making peace that what’s meant to be will happen and it will be right for us. My wife is continuing to succeed with her weight loss journey and this is great that she has done this here and isn’t saying “I’m only going to bother if we’re in the dream house…”

[thankful person]

Ducks and not Wendy thank you for the encouragement, I have not and will not be abandoning this journey! I am more determined than ever to make things right and help my children to grow up mentally and emotionally healthy. I am in fact so excited about it and although I’ve stopped wanting to die most of the time since having children, I have never actually felt positive about the future, until now.
Not Wendy, the poem was fantastic, I loved it! I’m amazed at the different responses I’m getting from my wife… Little things like I took off my wedding ring because I have eczema and she’s saying I shouldn’t do that and all… “don’t you love me?” and I’m just like, “I have eczema. I’ll put it on again when it gets better..” Another time I was quickly doing a work text 30 seconds before she knew I had an online lesson and she’s like, “helloo! I love you!” And I’m like, “sorry I’m just quickly doing something” and she’s like, “fine then don’t love me and don’t look at me..” I’m like, “I’m just texting a student and I have to make the next call now “. And I did. My manner with her has changed. I don’t know if she really notices me wearing new tops, putting the dress on the child, doing housework without asking her permission, buying myself a hairbrush? whether she realises these things are connected and that I am slowly changing.. but anyway she seems fine with it. Which is truly very surprising.

[Cat Familiar]

   Build on these successes! Keep doing what you’re doing and know you’re on the right path for making things better for your family!

[formflier]

Which is truly very surprising.

I would encourage you to take this "fact" to heart and be deliberate about challenging your other assumptions/beliefs.

When I read your accounts my 30000 foot looking down reaction is...you decided to do something...your wife attempted the old pattern of drawing you into conflict/drama...you didn't ignore her, yet you also pressed on with your decision...your wife did not follow through with "normal drama"...BECAUSE YOU CHANGED THE DANCE

Think about this...there is a LOT of power for you in this pattern.

 

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

My wife is continuing to succeed with her weight loss journey and this is great that she has done this here and isn’t saying “I’m only going to bother if we’re in the dream house…”

You are doing great.

Be careful with this one. Any personal change needs to be self motivated. Yes, you can encourage this by giving positive feedback to her efforts. "I am so impressed at your motivation to succeed with this!"

It's an obvious boundary : one's own body and the food one puts in their mouth. I would refrain from making any suggestions or overly focusing on this. This is her body, her diet. The fact that she's doing it for herself is great. But don't make it something that you have input too much in.

When one family member is adopting dietary changes, it helps if the whole family does as well, so that member doesn't feel they are excluded. It doesn't hurt anyone to follow a healthy diet. Of course, the children need to eat their share of calories too and this can come from healthy foods. If you want a treat - that's something you can get when you are out on your own, and not eat it in front of her.

But it's her body and she chooses what to eat.

[thankful person]

Thank you all, I do think things are going fairly well considering, especially during such a stressful time and it’s been a hard year for everyone with our littlest being unwell. Most days I can find examples of things I’ve handled better and I’m doing lots of reflecting on this.
Not Wendy, I never really discuss what my wife is eating, the dieting has been entirely her idea. What I meant was, I expected she would quit the diet due to all the stress but I’m pleased and proud that she hasn’t. When we met she was severely eating disordered so I learned to not talk about food. She’s doing much better these days. I’m just glad she can see that she can be successful with this even if we don’t get the house. It makes little sense but I’ve learnt to predict her behaviour.

[thankful person]

Update: We are not selling our house at a low price and we are not buying the dream house. My wife’s decision, which I was more than happy to support. She denies my opinion had any effect on her decision, which she claims was purely because, “it’s taking too long and I’ve had enough…”
I like to think that it was easier for her to change her mind without feeling like she was conceding the battle to me.. as a direct result of what I have learnt from you all here. Anyway… thank you again.

[formflier]

So...I'm a real estate guy, familiar with contracts and all that.  My curiosity is through the roof!

What happened (other than your wife) to undo your current sales contract?  How are you avoiding a monetary penalty for not following through on a contract?

So...what I hope you find time to reflect on...how are you going to approach her and the relationship when she decides that you are selling for even lower and buying a more expensive one? 

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF.. well let’s just say, my wife is a law unto herself
Seriously, I have only bought and sold a couple of houses so I know very little.. But it seems similar process whether it’s through an estate agent or the second guy who was a private investor. His solicitor got in touch with our solicitor as promised, the day my wife “accepted” his offer. I understand that he then had to provide “proof of funds”. The next few weeks nothing really happens. Enquiries… amendments… searches… basically if you ring up the solicitors during this time there is no news, you’re just told to be patient and reminded that there will be extra charges if you keep bothering them. The buyer and his business partner stopped answering my wife’s calls pretty much p once the offer was accepted. So I did sign something a couple of weeks ago but it’s meaningless until the buyer signs too. He hasn’t questioned us pulling out so we’re both now convinced that his plan was to drop the offer at the “last minute” whatever that means. So financially we will have to pay the solicitor a bit extra but not much because it seems my wife has charmed her and got her on side. As for the future… believe me I have learnt from this experience… and it WONT be happening again.

[formflier]

Wait..you guys will have to pay the "realtor", even if the house doesn't sell?  Do what?

It doesn't sound like you were ever under contract?  Did they put down a deposit?

Best,

FF

[thankful person]

FF, not sure if it’s different in US, but I think realtor is the word for estate agent. We don’t have to pay the estate agents, however once an offer is accepted them both parties appoint a solicitor (different organisation) and once they start drawing up contracts then you are liable to pay even though the sale doesn’t go through. Apparently our bill was looking like £2.5k after all the work they did on the boundary issue, but the solicitor had got it down to £750. She likes my wife. Most people do!