Demeaned, diminished, devalued..

[Glenna]

I was 75 the other day, and feel as if I am too weak to counteract the negativity anymore.
My daughter is 42 now. Leaving myself out of it for a moment, I would say that on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being when someone is taken away for being too crazy and violent, my d lives around 7-9. She has more peaceful spells but they often seem to be just that, spells of calm within a hurricane level disquiet.
Looking back on my life, I would say that if love is wishing for and working for someone's good, I have to say that I could hardly have loved her more. I have always worked for her good, whether it be on myself to be a better parent, on ways to help her, on our home , her room, her wardrobe, her health, mental and physical, her education, etc.
I made a happy home for her and never felt anything but love, affection and concern for her. It was not difficult, as she was an agreeable and lovely child. I happily sacrificed things for myself for her, which is normal parenting.
Over the last few years, she has created a horrible past for us. 'I was a horribly abusive parent, I'm a monster, there were brutal violent fights every weekend, she went to school with bruises, one day she had to wear her uniform on a weekend day and a teacher saw her and she was so shamed, I have ruined her life.'
She has made it clear that any sharing of my distress over this is a horrible betrayal of her and I do feel guilty and petty and self indulgent writing this.
The other day after leaving a doctor's office getting my blood pressure down, I happened to say that I was not as strong psychologically as I used to be and part of it was no longer having her father as  support. On the way home, a long ride, she assailed me with how she never had that and it was all my fault. When she - I don't even know the word for it - harasses me with accusations and malevolence, she goes on and on and tells me how she wishes me well but will never think of me as her mother and I should be warned that she will not be treating me well if I don't stop being abusive. I walk on eggshells. I have even stopped getting annoyed when she takes my money and ruins my good possessions.
My problem is that I feel eroded, beaten down, hopeless, depressed, and wonder how I am going to endure years more of this.
Her sons are nice to me, especially considering that she has done her best to demonize me.
I don't think she wants to be like this. I think she is so incredibly miserable that she actually truly felt deprived and wretched when I brought up her father. Unfortunately my insight into her sad state does not prevent my getting so beaten down and sad. How terrible to have one's best self, one's best work of a lifetime, taking good care of a child for decades, deemed wrong and bad. I read other's sad accounts of this experience. It is actually outrageous.
Thanks for reading this rambling thing. Appreciate any comments. Glenna

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[leopard]

Hi Glenna,
My DD25 is very much the same as you describe yours. At the moment we are in a quiet lull, but her birthday is coming next week so things are about to get dramatic. Im no expert here, just another traumatised mum trying to do my best. We get things wrong as parents as we are only human, but in my experience navigating parenthood with a pwBPD is like living in a permanent battle mode. I’m feeling for you and your post. A couple things you said struck a chord with me. And this is a place where we need to advocate for each other. So if you dont mind I would like to give you a supportive comment.

“She has made it clear that any sharing of my distress over this is a horrible betrayal of her and I do feel guilty and petty and self indulgent writing this.”
My DD used to play this card repeatedly. Her fear of others finding out what she had been up to and therefore not doing/giving the things she wanted and the fear of me getting advice to also not do/give the things she wanted caused unbelievable rages. So while I was hiding her secrets she was enabled to get what she wanted from others and keeping me quiet so I couldn’t stand up to the horrible behaviour.  You are not betraying her-this is your story too, this is your truth. You are not selling “her” secrets for profit or gain.  You may feel guilty-who wouldn’t if they knew their actions might upset someone they love-but this is misplaced here as you have just as much right to offload as she does. You are not being petty when you are telling you story to gain support & neither is it self indulgent in that same sense. Is going to the shop to buy food self indulgent-not if you are hungry. Is going to the doc self indulgent if you need antibiotics-not if you’re sick. So when you talk about your struggles with her or any given situation is not anything other than you reaching out for help/support/guidance that is needed. Talking about our lives, the joys & struggles is a form of self care/love and you need that, so please keep talking.

“I have even stopped getting annoyed when she takes my money and ruins my good possessions.”
Would you let or accept a stranger doing this to you? She has no right to your money or things. My DD did these things. I thought I was going mad when she was a late teen and money was going missing from the house. I bought petty cash tins and hid them-it still disappeared. I bought a combination safe, it still disappeared. My partner & I started to row as I had no idea who was stealing until I caught her breaking the safe. I put locks on my bedroom, moved all paperwork to a locked cabinet and put passwords on all our devices. She would target her brother or my nice things in her outbursts. She left home at 18. If she starts to rage now she gets asked to leave. If she is raging in her own house while we are there-we leave. To protect our things and my partners relationship we had to put in strong boundaries. 10years later we still live with these security measures & things locked away as I don’t trust her. She visits often with the grandkids so uses them for her money trap/hook now, but thats a whole other topic. Please don’t let her take your money, please don’t let her bully you in this way, please protect yourself, please keep reaching out and engage others in your recovery. You may not ever be able to help her but you can always help yourself and that is never wrong.

So keep writing your “rambling things”. Here its like a community buffet of sharing “our real life”, safety, help, intellect, wisdom & reasoning.. Take what you need, come back if you need more.

[MissingMyJoy]

Hi Glenna  ,

I'm so glad you found this website.

I can honestly say, "I feel your pain & anguish".  I'm 60 yrs old and reading your post resonates deeply with me.  What your post tells me is my dd's behavior will likely get worse or at best continue as is.

I don't know if this is a good analogy; however, I feel like I'm living in a surreal nightmare...constantly.  When days or interactions are calm, I feel I can breath.  However, my internal voice tells me, "this is temporary".  Kindness, compliments, laughter, excitement is ALWAYS fleeting.  It's bait making us vulnerable to the tsunami awaiting.  The quiet and unexpected outgoing tide that is simply building for a tidal wave.

I have decided not to participate any more.  I just can't.  Over the past 3 weeks, I've had anxiety, crying bouts and severe loneliness.  This is the last time for me.  I need to take care of myself and so do you!  We deserve a peaceful existence.  Especially after sacrificing the majority of our lives.

You are in my prayers.  Posting here is non judgemental and safe.  I know how difficult it is to find a friend who can really understand what you're going through.  Here...we totally understand.

I wish you peace and self care.  No one deserves what you've been through.  We're always here to support you.

Warm wishes,
Missing My Joy 

[hidingmyself]

Honestly, I am not sure if reading these boards is helping or hurting me. My daughter is only 23 and I had such hope for her. I am in a state of profound grief and shock at the things she is saying to me. I, too, am the target of her rage, blaming me for everything. As she was going on and on again yesterday, I just acknowledged what she was saying and asked her where does she go from here. She stated that she just needs to not engage in any way with me or her dad. I just hate to be in my home and she has no where to go. Thankfully, I am getting away for four days for Thanksgiving ALONE. I never, ever could have imagined this.

[Sancho]

Hi Glenna
Glad you are here.
I agree with what the others have said, and, like the others, understand completely what you have been/are going through.

One of the things that happens to us when we live in an atmosphere of potential abuse is that we almost become paranoid - ie we unconsciously feel that the other party will find out if we are not totally loyal to them and completely available to them and they will lash out.

I think it is a product of the intense emotions of the BPD person that they land on us.

When you have been dealing with this for so long it is hard to find the energy to find a little space just for yourself.

For some people that space is their own counsellor. For others it is some work commitment; others a church group.

I am 72 and live with BPD dd and gd. It is so tough at times. This is one of the tough times now. But I grey stone rock now - see other posts - and it has made a big difference.

Are you able to work with a counsellor? If not, I suggest you start in very small ways. Think about how you interact with DD and if there is any way you can change that process. Do they live with you? Are you available 24/7?

Do you have other people in your life?

At 75 there is still lots of time for change and lots of time to experience the gift of your own life. I so hope there will some change for you.

[By Still Water]

Hello and Welcome, Glenna,
     You said it so well: "How terrible to have one's best self, one's best work of a lifetime, taking good care of a child for decades, deemed wrong and bad."  Currently, our oldest, 40, of three boys, has done the same. He has not spoken to us for months (his second cut-off of us). The first cut-off lasted 9 months, however he later re-contacted us to apologize - then ask to live with us, a few weeks after that. He has accused us of emotionally abusing and neglecting him - so far from the truth. Odd, because our youngest adult son says we've been great parents, and our middle adult son maintains a mutually loving relationship with us. "R" had shown signs of BPD, as a child, but we hadn't gotten that diagnosis - just one of OCD. The rages were there, even as a young child.
      Yes, it feels as though our hearts have been stomped on and ripped out of our chests, doesn't it, when we we think of the times we put ourselves out to run that extra mile for their sakes. 
      Have you read, Stop Walking on Eggshells?
      It has taken me time to grow into a healthier mindset, concerning how I view this illness. I had eventually recognized the oppressively dark cloud of false guilt and horror was stealing my joy and energy. I've stopped trying to think it's in our power to cure him of his cognitive distortions. I've let go and let God. I've focused on my students, my wonderful husband (his father), and other people in our lives who accept our love and care. I've learned to be good and merciful to myself - to not respond to every barb shot our way. To filter what I say back. BPD may have the loved one a prisoner; it will not have us.
      I think it's important to take care of ourselves. Have you found the support of a counselor? A local support group? You mention her taking your money. How does that happen? Has she had counseling?
      Glad you're here.