How do i support my children with a BPD Dad?

[Diddle]

Brief outline:
HwBPD was diagnosed last year after me suspecting after 20 yrs together that there must be a  reason he treated us so badly. I diagnosed and got it confirmed by the docs.
He has been given 6 weeks councilling and anti depressants. This was a year ago. The tablets have calmed him down hugely, but the doc has suggested he lower his dose and ween himself off them. The days he doesn’t take it it is hugely obvious. We have 3 teenage sons.

I spent all of their life keeping the peace with my husband, so there were less arguments. HwBPD has always cared for our home and his possessions more than anything and anyone else e.g two of our boys had a falling out and earlier in the week and HwBPD came storming in asking if anything had been damaged. No concern for the children, didn’t ask how they were if anyone was hurt etc? Just constant demands about who may have broken what. Nothing was broken.

So they have consistently been made to feel less important, all their lives. They have no respect for him because he hasn’t earnt it but now they are teenagers as you can imagine they back chat a lot more and can show their disrespect.
How on earth can i explain to  them that they need to be respectful but still have boundaries and stick up for themselves?  When i can totally see why they are behaving the way they are because i feel the same as them? Help

[ForeverDad]

I believe the various personality disorders (there are about ten, some acting-out impacting others and others acting-in impacting mostly that individual) are addressed with long term therapy.  While meds may moderate the behaviors, they aren't the fix in and of themselves.

By contrast, one mental health problem, bi-polar, is chemical based and meds can help balance the person.  But something like BPD needs more than moderation by drugs.  Two therapies that are helpful over time are Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).  However it is typically very difficult to get the person with BPD to start - and continue - meaningful therapy.

[Diddle]

Thank you,
I totally agree with you. I really feel that my husband needs to consider dbt or cbt but when i suggest this he takes it as an offence that i don’t think he’s doing well enough without it. It sadly still feels like a lose lose this week.
I suggested my son who has therapy himself for anxiety, talk to his therapist about it, and he said he can’t because really the way his dad behaves is abuse and he doesn’t want him to call social services. So sad and so hard to know the right way to lead them right now

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Diddle,

I guess I don't really have much in the way of answers because my S27 is in much of the same place as what I hear you saying about your sons. I try to encourage my son to continue in T, and I do what I can to listen, listen, and to validate the positive traits I see in him. I also encourage him to keep doing the hard work he is doing, and do my best to not triangulate regarding his dad or referee the situations that go on between them. My mom's heart hurts for what he has gone through, and I see his struggle with self worth because of the lack of care and empathy that his dad has towards him. I support his ability to make his own choices, and sometimes I ask him questions about what he is thinking in order to have him dig deeper to understand why he is making the choices he is.

Loving them is so important.
Wools