My Aging BPD Mom

[My_Aging_BPD_Mom]

Hello,
This is my first post. So relieved to be here... and nervous.

My aging BPD mom is an active 72-year old that imagines she is already 80. My husband and I live 4 hours from her and she is asking to move to our small town since she is aging. She has no one else since, by definition, her BPD pushes everyone away.

I would like to be able to tell her that she should put her name on a retirement community's waiting list (in our town) and defer admittance until she loses her driver's license. Only until she loses mobility, would we feel emotionally safe enough to have her living this close.

How should I proceed?
Thank you, in advance, for your expertise!

[Notwendy]

You are not alone here- there are many of us in a similar situation.

I just had the very unpleasant experience of telling my BPD mother that I am not able to handle her moving closer to me. I had to make it about me, not her as telling her it's because of her behavior is futile. That makes me the "bad guy" in the situation.

Although I, and several others have suggested assisted living for my mother, she is actually wanting to avoid this due to wanting to be in control. She does have home health assistance.

Mobility may not be a secure boundary for you. My mother doesn't drive, but this doesn't mean she doesn't get where she wants to go, as she is able to get helpers to drive her.

I panic at the idea if her being close enough to get someone to drive her to me because she doesn't respect boundaries and as you stated, I do not feel emotionally safe. It's the distance that allows me to feel that.

At one point I thought it might be workable if she were in a retirement/assisted living situation, but I have seen her with her health care team. She does not cooperate with them if she doesn't want to. She needs to be in control. An assisted living situation would not allow her to have this kind of control. It would not work for her, no matter what the location.

Naturally, my decision hurt her feelings and it felt horrible to tell her that. On the other hand, she is verbally and emotionally abusive with me and has no concern over how her behavior impacts me. I realize that I need the distance in order to feel safe. It's hard to say no to our mothers, but keep in mind, not being able to drive themselves doesn't mean they can't get transportation.

[eaglestar]

My mother also imagines she is much older than her age.  Back when she was in her 50s she started making comments regularly when opening difficult packaging, reading small print, or navigating a confusing store, "how do they expect an older person to do this?"

When my wife and I didn't end up living in the same state as them due to my work, she at first was regularly strategizing how I could end up moving closer to them.  When it was clear we were not moving closer to them, she would drop passive-aggressive, guilt-trip statements like, "it would be nice to have everyone in the same place," or "such-and-so's kids decided to move close to their parents to help them out in their old age but I guess that's not for everyone."

My wife and I discussed how much of a disaster it would be to live close to her.  The further away we are, the less likely it is that she will be mean, vindictive, and hateful.  Distance seems to have improved my relationship with her, overall (though right now it is quite strained).  I know for a fact that it would be much worse if I was local.

If I were you, I would buy yourself some time by saying that she doesn't meet criteria for a retirement home but that when she does, that would be a good option for her so she doesn't have to move twice.  "Moving can be hard on someone who's advanced in age."  I'm new to this entire thing, but from what I have learned about managing BPD parents, boundaries are important.  She will not accept that her behavior is the reason.  So if you go with the tactic of it being about her not having to move twice, once to a house in your community and again shortly thereafter to a retirement home, she might accept it. 

[My_Aging_BPD_Mom]

Your replies mean so much to me. I have felt so alone in this situation... there are others!

The reminder that my mom is not able to understand that it is her behavior that will drive this choice is appreciated. And thank you for helping me see that she will have more control than I think she will at a retirement home. She will definitely wear down the future folks that will have her as their charge. In fact, they will have a sense of relief when she leaves for the day or a few hours.

The 'moving twice for someone at an advanced age' may work. However, one thing is certain- she is predictable in her unpredictability.

She is the 'queen' and narcissistic. No matter what, she needs to feel and seem as if she is completely unique and better than everyone else. Once, I asked her how she felt about a situation. She stated that she 'feels like you should...' (this is not a feeling), so I showed her a list of at least 75 feeling words. After skimming them, she said that none of the words applied to her.

When she goes to a restaurant she changes everything she orders (to make it appear unique, I suppose). We have had to steer clear of favorite places so as not to upset the people that work there. One time she dropped into a special bakery near our house and made such a scene. We felt like we should apologize for the situation. When we went there and inquired about the previous day, the person said that they weren't there, but "had heard about it".

My household is turned into a place we don't recognize when she visits- quiet, smooth grey stones- no laughing, no joking, full of tension and worry. Even though I've set boundaries, I need to set more. My husband is understandably angry that one person is able to affect these massive changes.

Thank you for reading, listening, and replying to my earlier post. This is tough!

[Methuen]

I would like to be able to tell her that she should put her name on a retirement community's waiting list (in our town) and defer admittance until she loses her driver's license. Only until she loses mobility, would we feel emotionally safe enough to have her living this close.

This is tough.  Does she have good support where she is?  Family?  A sense of community?  Good health care? A network of friends?  If she does, I would suggest pointing out all the things she would be giving up, and leave it at that for her to sit with.

I live 6 min from my mom in a small rural town almost 7 hr away from a large center.  I am also an only child and there is no extended family.  I can say that it is exhausting.  My mom lives independently at the age of 85 in failing health.  She has refused assisted living.  She has become consuming.

It would probably be better for your health if your mom stayed where she is.  Getting her to figure out that “where she is” is better than “where you are” is the trick.  She needs to figure this out onnher own, with nudges from you.  These nudges could happen by using the technique of asking her validating questions.