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Author Topic: BPD Friend Validated Other BPD Friend's Splitting  (Read 374 times)
idk123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: Discarded
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« on: December 07, 2021, 01:53:26 AM »

I had a very close friendship with a man with quiet BPD for 9 months (we knew each other for 2 years peripherally, but bonded after he came to me for emotional support). Unfortunately, he split me black after I stupidly told him I had feelings for him and he got overwhelmed. I tried giving him space, but I have VERY bad OCD and the hypocrisy of some of his actions drove me nuts and I stupidly tried really hard to contact him during the first month of him discarding me (of course this just made him double down and he blocked me on everything). I have another friend who's boyfriend has BPD (regular bpd, and he's younger and much more volatile). I had been helping this guy with his substance abuse issues (picking up his detox prescriptions, setting up rehab appointments, etc). He saw how upset I was about being discarded and decided to get involved behind my back. His method for doing so was to "win over" the BPD friend by validating his all his splitting thoughts about me, and worse telling him things about me that were completely untrue and terrible. He apparently intended to somehow manipulate him into then being my friend later on, but wound up confessing to me the next day. I was completely devastated. He promised to try and make the situation right and message the guy and admit what he'd done...but then he got mad at me because his boyfriend and me had a minor argument about something completely unrelated. He very clearly was just using that as an excuse to not have to deal with what he did, and he said he needed space from me. It has been over a month now and I finally started trying to get him to deal with this situation because I really miss my other friend and I am really hurt by this whole situation.  He has agreed to meet with me tomorrow so I can be with him while he messages the other guy. He has tried to warn me that he said some terrible things about me and at this point I don't know what he should even say to the other guy. Any advice is appreciated, aside from cut them all out of your life. I don't plan on being friends with the second fellow or his boyfriend anymore anyways, I just want him to set this right for me first.
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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2021, 09:23:05 PM »

this other person, and what you told him, and what he told your loved one, are more than likely secondary issues.

what, exactly, happened between you and the original person?

it sounds like you were frustrated and pushed for a greater connection and he cut bait. what was said? what was exchanged between the two of you? the more we know, the more we can help.
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idk123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: Discarded
Posts: 53


« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2021, 09:56:39 PM »

We knew each other through our ex partners who had became friends (and are now dating). I have very severe contamination OCD, and everyone in that group knew about it. He phoned me randomly one night hysterically crying and told me all about his BPD and his split from his ex. We were friends after that for a year, and then we started getting really close and spoke everyday for the next 9 months. We also slept together three times, but I can't really date and he only wants relationships with people who essentially don't want him anyways, so we just remained close friends. I was more like his therapist and even though my mental health was admittedly much worse (even he knew that) we didn't talk about my issues (which was sort of a relief for me). Without knowing it, he was actually helping my ocd and I regained a lot of things I had lost the ability to do, just because I was really isolated out here. I wound up falling for him, but I didn't say anything because he had warned me repeatedly that he didn't have feelings like that for me, despite constantly acting like he did (slow dancing with me, touching me constantly, checking with friends to make sure I was actually okay when he suspected I wasn't, etc).
All of this felt like it was building up to something. But then he very abruptly fell for another girl (as I knew was common with people with bpd). He didn't know her at all really, but she became his favorite person quickly. It was unsettling because she looked VERY similar to me and had a similar sense of humor and style, which mutual friends kept pointing out. They dated for a month and a half, only saw each other 6 times in person, and didn't actually talk much, but because she left him, he is obsessed with her. At that time I was going through something with my ocd and I stupidly told him I was in love with him. He reacted badly, my timing was stupid, but we were still friends. He seemed weird about a guy I was sort of seeing who would kiss me in front of him and admitted that it made him a bit jealous.

In late July, something happened with my OCD involving my ex and my apartment that scared me so bad, I literally thought I was going to die. I was hanging out with him, thinking it would be the last time I saw him (ocd is stupid sometimes). I was drunk and I asked to kiss him. He said no, but we wound up with him like holding me and staring at my mouth and leaning it to for like an hour. It was very odd. During that, I admitted to him that he was the only person I had slept with. I had previously said, very early on in our close friendship, that I had slept with an ex I'm friendly with. In reality I had gotten close to that, but because of my OCD I chickened out on like, the final act of doing it. At the time I just told him because I was proud of myself for challenging my ocd like that and because he kept talking about how I would become obsessed with him, and frankly it irritated me that he didn't understand that I had other things going on. And really, I didn't think it mattered that much that we didn't go all the way. It was just a detail. I only told him about it in that moment, because he said he had felt jealous about it. Then he accused me of trying to manipulate his emotions and that he couldn't trust me anymore and left. I gave him a week and then tried talking to him again, he wasn't having it and was really dramatic. Stupidly, I went and hung out with a friend of his, who had been pestering me to hangout with her for the past few weeks. I got drunk and even though I told her I didn't want to talk about him at all, she kept bringing him up and I got upset and wound up calling him a bunch, he didn't answer and he blocked me on everything. Another one of my friends became worried about me after this because I got incredibly depressed and wasn't responding to people. She contacted him to ask if he knew if I was okay, and he accused her of being like sent by me apparently. They got in a discussion about what had happened and she sort of told him he was being ridiculous, which of course made him hate her now too.  A month went by and I went and I ran into him at an art festival and asked to speak to him. He was a bit rude, but spoke to me for 3 hours and was laughing and joking around even, but he said he still didn't want to be friends and that he doesn't trust me. Another three weeks went by and I added him on WhatsApp and thanked him for talking to me and told him I still missed him. He was very rude back and blocked me on there too. I miss him so much, he was one of my only friends in this city and I really want him back.
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idk123
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: Discarded
Posts: 53


« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2021, 05:04:17 AM »

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