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Author Topic: Understanding uBPDm patterns to better prepare for them  (Read 850 times)
pennymoo

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: married
Posts: 17


« Reply #30 on: January 09, 2022, 04:14:53 AM »

"People aren't perfect and we get upset with each other at times. However, a "normal" relationship has a way to be repaired with a sincere apology and attempt to do better. One person can say to the other "you hurt my feelings" and the other can apologize."...Notwendy, you exdpressed it perfectly.
The reality is that ALL humans AT times act in these not altogether healthy & perfect ways. At some stage we can all rescue, persecute or be a victim.
I think the important thing is HOW FREQUENT these behaviours are that makes a big difference...are they a usual, go to, default reaction to any & everything that happens? If the answer is yes, then there may be a big problem. If however, once in a blue moon these reactions/behaviours exhibit themselves, then well, you are human and not perfect. Sometimes the not being perfect is the lesson we have to learn for ourselves (& that can be hard if you grew up in a very unhealthy family environment). 
The key is (as we all agree) to learn from it. By communicating with one another, offering JUSTIFIED apology when necessary & noticing our own reactions and owning them we can learn and become better communicators & have vastly better interpersonal and intimate relationships with others. One of the hardest parts of all this for me (personally), is not that I expect others to be perfect (I dont), nor is it a realisation that i am not perfect (I know Im not well & truly), but rather to be able to accept and forgive MYSELF for the fact that as a human I cannot and never will be perfect.
All this said, this all goes out the door when we are dealing with psBPD...even if you were perfect,it'd still so often be wrong in their minds.
Just keep working on yourself. And a big hug.x
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Riv3rW0lf
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Estranged; Complicated
Posts: 1247



« Reply #31 on: January 16, 2022, 07:05:35 PM »

Head is spinning again. Always happen at night, when the kiddos are asleep. And then the memories hit.

I figured I'd use the time to try and figure out another pattern I observed in our relationship. Another post opened my eyes to this one.

I realised that, every time something big is happening in my life, uBPDm somehow needs me to save her, or to care for everyone else but me.

At my wedding, I knew there would be a backlash if I didn't prepare with her. So instead of going with my best friend that day, I prepared in uBPDm room. She had taken a small room with two queen bed, so we were all packed on top of each other. She had promised to do her best friend's hair, and when the time came for the pictures, she made me feel bad that she had to come back on her word and put people out of her room. Her best friend is the one that told her : "it is her wedding, she is supposed to be the focus here, why did you even tell me to come here?" She told me my father wasn't wearing something nice, that he clearly didn't put in the effort. She came to me during the party to tell me about every little possible people who might be hurt and that I had to go take care of them. She made me those eyes she does when she expects me to do something and is somewhat pissed. Then the next day, she got mad because my husband and I decided to have breakfast in bed instead of having breakfast with them, when I had never told her I would. I didn't let her ruin my night, but she sure left a sad trace in it. They left angry without saying good bye. I felt so angry at her. 

Then I got pregnant, and toward the end of my pregnancy, the last weeks, she needed to be saved because someone wasn't paying a rent or something. She called my husband, telling him not to tell me because she didn't want to stress me out while I was so close to delivering. Yeah right. If she didn't want me to know, she wouldn't have called my husband. Or was she testing our relationship, to him and I, seeing if she could tell him things without him telling me? Anyhow...Nothing we could do about it and what we told her to do, she didn't even do. So I spent the last week of my pregnancy thinking of her.

When my dad had a cardiac attack, on the day my son was born, I went down a spiral of hurt. And I remember just mentioning it to uBPDm but she was depressed about the fact she couldn't hold her grandson on his first day. She was mad because I had invited my in-laws instead of her so she offered no comfort at all. She was basically playing the victim card, even though my dad was in the freaking hospital, thousands of miles away from me. Recently she told me she thought her boyfriend had have a cardiac arrest when he clearly didn't. The play was so clear, I remember thinking : "she is that jealous of my father. She knows I love my father, that I worry for him, and she tries to create the same kind of worry for someone in her life. "

I think she could feel the love I hold for my dad when I said I worried for him, and she just had to feel it for herself or for someone close to her. I'm actually not sure what to make of that.

I told her recently I could call her before the 15 of January, and that after that I'd be too busy. She said she wanted to wait. And low and behold : she texted on the 15 requestind that I call her as soon as possible to "fix" our relationship because "time flies". I said "no, you decided to wait, and now I don't have the time to call you." And she texted back she would wait for me to give her news.

She would almost sound normal if it wasn't the timing. The constant testing of boundaries. The constant struggle to gain control over me.

Truly, I just have to keep control, and not engage in any of her schemes. I know when she is fishing and for the past two weeks, I have basically answered like a normal person who doesn't know what's up. I see the hook so clearly, and I just don't bite. And it's like she just doesn't know how to bait me anymore so she is back at acting detached and normal. Just gotta keep it that way I guess.

Next time she wants to be save : it will be no.

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kells76
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #32 on: January 17, 2022, 10:09:35 AM »

Excerpt
I realised that, every time something big is happening in my life, uBPDm somehow needs me to save her, or to care for everyone else but me.

Excerpt
I just have to keep control, and not engage in any of her schemes. I know when she is fishing and for the past two weeks, I have basically answered like a normal person who doesn't know what's up. I see the hook so clearly, and I just don't bite.

Riv3rW0lf, this pattern is one I've seen, too, with the kids' mom.

A couple of months ago, a few days before our weekend with the kids, we told SD15 that we planned to take her to do her hobby that weekend (she has a really unique hobby that requires travel and $$$, but it has good future job prospects so we are as supportive as we can be. As far as I know her mom has not taken her).

The Friday evening of our weekend together, the kids were sitting at the dinner table and basically told us: "Mom and stepdad are going to travel to see Grandma and Grandpa, AND see our friend do their citizenship ceremony, AND go on a fun drive in a rental car, all this weekend... ugh, can't believe it's this weekend that we are with you".

The kids have not seen their grandparents in ~4 years and SD13 said something like "I hope we get to see them before they die".

I commented that I hoped Mom would do another visit at a time when the kids could go too. They said "probably not, it's like a 5 hour drive".

So, my suspicion is that Mom heard about SD15 doing something just for SD15, and that we were providing it and supporting it, and she wanted to bring the focus back on herself. So, she talked about planning all these amazing things for the weekend the kids were with us.

What I really wanted to say was: "If Mom wants you to go, then I'm confident she will reach out to trade weekends". She never did.

...

I think you're seeing a pattern that really happens with pwBPD. When the focus is off of them and their needs and their role as "the best mom", then they do dysfunctional things to bring the focus back on them and to regain their position "on top". Even at the expense of what their own children need. The kids' mom would rather put them in the middle and "make them choose" her or Dad, versus working together with Dad to reschedule, or, better yet, not talking up all this stuff in front of the kids (i.e. if she really is going to make the trip, or has to for some reason, she should not have advertised it to the kids if they could not go).

I think member livednlearned discussed a part of this dynamic over on the "conflicted" board in the past -- that every interaction with a pwBPD is a referendum on who is on top and who is below, who is better and who is worse, who is right and who is wrong. There is no gray area, it's just black and white thinking. There is no room for "both/and"; there was no room for you to love your dad and for your mom to let you love your dad. It was him or her, and she made it clear that she required the role of "the loved parent".

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It is so damaging. I'm really glad you have this space here to process your spinning thoughts and put together the patterns of what happened to you. We are in an amazing position of being able to see the dynamics with clearer heads, and to choose not to do that to the wonderful children in our lives.
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Riv3rW0lf
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Relationship status: Estranged; Complicated
Posts: 1247



« Reply #33 on: January 17, 2022, 12:40:11 PM »


I think member livednlearned discussed a part of this dynamic over on the "conflicted" board in the past -- that every interaction with a pwBPD is a referendum on who is on top and who is below, who is better and who is worse, who is right and who is wrong. There is no gray area, it's just black and white thinking.

Yes, I can certainly relate to that. The only time I get a sense of normalcy from her is when we are far from each other, talking via the phone. Then she wears her persona and she seems fine, really. I basically get to see the way she presents herself to everyone else that isn't in the family. Which is why I thought she had changed the past year or so.

As for my father, the joke is on her. Because despite the way I treated him, he worked on him so hard that he accepted me and just patiently, lovingly waited for me to open my eyes. He never even tried to open them for me, he just kept being himself and never ever shut down our relationship. I got entitled, narcissistic (with him), all a result of the brainwash my mother had done (this article you sent previously really was an eye opener about my behavior with him VS with everyone else). He never gave in to my demands, but was always there when I was in real need (emotionally or financially), but the need really needed to be a real need and not a want.

As a result, I am closer to him now than ever. I can laugh with him, be true with him. I can be myself, something uBPDm will never see. Not that she cares for it anyway.

There is hope for your step children. The fact that you and your husband provide a sane and healthy place for them to live in might be enough to lift them from the abuse triangle they are in at they mother's house. It was for me.
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