These troubled women

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

TLDR I have a really bad relationship record. I mean, I have been a pretty functional guy through my adult years. If I fail to do my best, my intentions are still good. I like myself. But because of my mother's narcissist behavior was a norm in my childhood, I believe it's hard for me to spot the red flags and recognize them as red flags. And some of these women are incredibly skilled hiding the flags. I'm getting older, and wouldn't like to waste my time with these troubled women - I honestly feel like I've had more than my share. How can I improve this? Meaning, how to find someone to have something real and nice with?

Long story:

My first gf lied about having a terminal disease which would end her life in two years. Not just me, to her whole school. She also wanted to jump out of a moving car, few times. The second was so fragile, sensitive and anxious, with her it felt like I'm an elephant in a porcelain shop, scared to move even an inch because something would break. Then some who kinda wanted to be with me but not really. Then there was one who dreamed about taking acid together on a rooftop of a sky scraper - I don't even do drugs. One immigrant woman wanted me to marry her mother, to get her a visa to my country. These all lasted only a few months though. My longest relationship was with a woman who turned out to be an alcoholic when we moved together. Got depressed pretty quickly, I had no energy to leave and stayed in that miserable thing for seven years.

Thinking about it now, wouldn't stay a minute in all relationships I had before I turned 40. That's when I met my first true love. The earlier relationships didn't so much hurt me, I had a tough skin, but this one did.

I still don't know exactly what her deal is. She is intelligent, quick thinking, fun, nice, fair, respective and when you look at her, she seems like a happy person who enjoys life at its fullest. Easy to talk to, pleasant to listen. She's never mean, will never mock you, never cheats, never flirts with other guys, never really looses her temper. If she has something to say, she will speak rationally, and confidently. Great in her work helping others. And she'll help you too. She will lift you up if you're down when you meet her. And she's just so beautiful to look at. Very nice body. Lovely voice. The cutest smile. Weirdly cold and suspicious eyes, but you'll accept that, because she's as perfect as they can come. You'll fall in love with her, especially if your definition of love is kind of naiive.

Then, she started to open the curtain, so I could see glimpses to the other side. Weirdness. She could flee in panic, suddenly like from a nice picnic, or when we were watching a good movie together. At one point I understood she's had probably dozens of short relationships, maybe a few longer. She told, she tends to drive men away. "Not this one", I ment it for sure, but lied, unknowingly. Halfway through our one and half year relationship, she just started distancing herself. She adviced how I could improve my professional situation, and when I tried, in her mind it somehow turned to mean me leaving her. She made this plan to eject me out of her life so she could safely accuse me of leaving her, in her mind with a clear conscience, so she could maintain her narrative in which she's a victim to all men who without an exception will always end up leaving her, which I suspect might be something she feels like she deserves.

Because we both were good with words, talking to her seemed like a smart thing to do, and I was feeling we were advancing together, working through "our problems" as one is supposed to. It felt like I was respected, yet somehow respectfully destroyed at the same time. "Everything I say or do can and will be used against me in the court of law". I tried so hard to fight for it, and that drove her further, because, in her mind everything I did was about not loving her and leaving her.

After the break up I was lost, broken and exhausted. Took a long time to heal. Went abroad for a long time, stayed in many places, met many nice women. Some of them seemed really great, but it was like she had infected me with proximity issues. So I moved to casual things, was honest and made it clear early that I'm not there to stay. Then spent a year completely alone, that centered me, so I decided to try a real relationship. Again failed, and then guess what?

We tried again last year. She called, begged forgiveness and another chance. She explained she had changed, and in ways she had, but some things were still the same. So we broke up even faster. When I felt she was leaving, this time I concentrated the energy to myself. Sure I tried to keep us together but I just knew it was so damn useless again. I thanked her for the good part, and told her it was good that we did this again, as I now had answers to some questions left unanswered the last time. The love I knew was there all these years is fading quickly. I know it's not my fault, also I don't trust her anymore, makes it so much easier.

I worried it would be terrible, but I'm actually feeling good. Strong and confident. I'd have so much to give to someone worthwhile. But I look at these dating sites, and I'm worried. Most women at my age group are looking for much younger men. That is a red flag to me definitely. If they can't picture themselves in a relationship with a man of their own age, then they have not matured. I don't want someone who really thinks 50 is the new 25. I want a woman who's happy being herself. But how to find one?

[Biggus]

TLDR I have a really bad relationship record. I mean, I have been a pretty functional guy through my adult years. If I fail to do my best, my intentions are still good. I like myself. But because of my mother's narcissist behavior was a norm in my childhood, I believe it's hard for me to spot the red flags and recognize them as red flags. And some of these women are incredibly skilled hiding the flags. I'm getting older, and wouldn't like to waste my time with these troubled women - I honestly feel like I've had more than my share. How can I improve this? Meaning, how to find someone to have something real and nice with?

Long story:

My first gf lied about having a terminal disease which would end her life in two years. Not just me, to her whole school. She also wanted to jump out of a moving car, few times. The second was so fragile, sensitive and anxious, with her it felt like I'm an elephant in a porcelain shop, scared to move even an inch because something would break. Then some who kinda wanted to be with me but not really. Then there was one who dreamed about taking acid together on a rooftop of a sky scraper - I don't even do drugs. One immigrant woman wanted me to marry her mother, to get her a visa to my country. These all lasted only a few months though. My longest relationship was with a woman who turned out to be an alcoholic when we moved together. Got depressed pretty quickly, I had no energy to leave and stayed in that miserable thing for seven years.

Thinking about it now, wouldn't stay a minute in all relationships I had before I turned 40. That's when I met my first true love. The earlier relationships didn't so much hurt me, I had a tough skin, but this one did.

I still don't know exactly what her deal is. She is intelligent, quick thinking, fun, nice, fair, respective and when you look at her, she seems like a happy person who enjoys life at its fullest. Easy to talk to, pleasant to listen. She's never mean, will never mock you, never cheats, never flirts with other guys, never really looses her temper. If she has something to say, she will speak rationally, and confidently. Great in her work helping others. And she'll help you too. She will lift you up if you're down when you meet her. And she's just so beautiful to look at. Very nice body. Lovely voice. The cutest smile. Weirdly cold and suspicious eyes, but you'll accept that, because she's as perfect as they can come. You'll fall in love with her, especially if your definition of love is kind of naiive.

Then, she started to open the curtain, so I could see glimpses to the other side. Weirdness. She could flee in panic, suddenly like from a nice picnic, or when we were watching a good movie together. At one point I understood she's had probably dozens of short relationships, maybe a few longer. She told, she tends to drive men away. "Not this one", I ment it for sure, but lied, unknowingly. Halfway through our one and half year relationship, she just started distancing herself. She adviced how I could improve my professional situation, and when I tried, in her mind it somehow turned to mean me leaving her. She made this plan to eject me out of her life so she could safely accuse me of leaving her, in her mind with a clear conscience, so she could maintain her narrative in which she's a victim to all men who without an exception will always end up leaving her, which I suspect might be something she feels like she deserves.

Because we both were good with words, talking to her seemed like a smart thing to do, and I was feeling we were advancing together, working through "our problems" as one is supposed to. It felt like I was respected, yet somehow respectfully destroyed at the same time. "Everything I say or do can and will be used against me in the court of law". I tried so hard to fight for it, and that drove her further, because, in her mind everything I did was about not loving her and leaving her.

After the break up I was lost, broken and exhausted. Took a long time to heal. Went abroad for a long time, stayed in many places, met many nice women. Some of them seemed really great, but it was like she had infected me with proximity issues. So I moved to casual things, was honest and made it clear early that I'm not there to stay. Then spent a year completely alone, that centered me, so I decided to try a real relationship. Again failed, and then guess what?

We tried again last year. She called, begged forgiveness and another chance. She explained she had changed, and in ways she had, but some things were still the same. So we broke up even faster. When I felt she was leaving, this time I concentrated the energy to myself. Sure I tried to keep us together but I just knew it was so damn useless again. I thanked her for the good part, and told her it was good that we did this again, as I now had answers to some questions left unanswered the last time. The love I knew was there all these years is fading quickly. I know it's not my fault, also I don't trust her anymore, makes it so much easier.

I worried it would be terrible, but I'm actually feeling good. Strong and confident. I'd have so much to give to someone worthwhile. But I look at these dating sites, and I'm worried. Most women at my age group are looking for much younger men. That is a red flag to me definitely. If they can't picture themselves in a relationship with a man of their own age, then they have not matured. I don't want someone who really thinks 50 is the new 25. I want a woman who's happy being herself. But how to find one?

[ACycleWiser]

But I look at these dating sites, and I'm worried. Most women at my age group are looking for much younger men. That is a red flag to me definitely. If they can't picture themselves in a relationship with a man of their own age, then they have not matured. I don't want someone who really thinks 50 is the new 25. I want a woman who's happy being herself. But how to find one?

Reading your post, i see someone who has grown a lot of self awareness and maturity. I think this is what BPD relationships typically have, you get confronted with your dreams and nightmares and the way they unfold and depending on how you face these impossible challenges it's a fast way to mature, way out of the BPD area of interest. That certainly happened to me over the years.

The answer to your question "I want a woman who's happy being herself. But how to find one? " is simply "being a man who's happy being himself". As much as we like to think we are in control of finding the right partner, falling in love is a largely unconscious phenomenon, where you will match up with the people at your own level of maturity.

So let them look for younger men, those are not the people you need anyway even though the dating sites are crowded with them. There only needs to be one person that fits for you, and the best way to find this person is to be unconditionally you.

[Biggus]

Reading your post, i see someone who has grown a lot of self awareness and maturity. I think this is what BPD relationships typically have, you get confronted with your dreams and nightmares and the way they unfold and depending on how you face these impossible challenges it's a fast way to mature, way out of the BPD area of interest. That certainly happened to me over the years.

The answer to your question "I want a woman who's happy being herself. But how to find one? " is simply "being a man who's happy being himself". As much as we like to think we are in control of finding the right partner, falling in love is a largely unconscious phenomenon, where you will match up with the people at your own level of maturity.

So let them look for younger men, those are not the people you need anyway even though the dating sites are crowded with them. There only needs to be one person that fits for you, and the best way to find this person is to be unconditionally you.

Well I know well I should focus on other things, mainly keeping my self strong. I have been until now, but suddenly I'm getting so sad, because I remember her trying to combat her splitting behaviour two months ago.

I was visiting her place, she had been pretty cold and distant, completely different from previous visit which was after she wanted to break up the first time, but I turned her mind and loving could continue for a while. It was morning and I challenged how she had behaved in the evening, and to which she angrily replied that I'm not listening to her, and I just don't understand that she doesn't want to continue together anymore. I was dumbfounded, went to sit to another room, she followed and I asked what she wants from me, she replied "I don't want nothing from you anymore". I sighed "then there must be a whole universe in between how I feel and how she feels". We talked some more, and she said that she wants to break up several times. I couldn't think anything sensible, felt so rejected. She calmed down and said something about having an idea to go somewhere. She ment together, but I felt so rejected, that I couldn't picture us doing some shopping nicely after such a bomb. It was four-five hour drive back home, I looked outside, thought that I could drive home during sunlight - the day is very short here in december. So I told her I'm gonna go home and packed my things, when I left she hugged me tightly and said "I don't want you to leave". But at that point I needed space for my thoughts so I just said "focus on that thought and we'll talk later". But that was when we really broke up.

I'm not feeling guilty of leaving from that situation, I didn't want to but had to, as I felt out of place. Like I was not welcomed anymore, and had no right to be in her home after all that rejection and distancing. Besides how I could ever live with her in her house, if she wants to drive me away every now and then?

I'm feeling extremely sad for her because I know her well. Of course I'm feeling extremely sad for me, and us together. I know why she is like that and why I am like this. I was blessed with one good parent, but both of her parents failed her. So, both of us, separately and together have to pay this terrible price for it. Especially her. She has spent her whole adult life trying to understand, trying to get better, trying to help herself while helping others, and I just understand how lost she has been and how much work she has done with herself, as I could see it with my own eyes that she had changed much from the earlier time. I've seen a couple of her childhood photos, and she was this cute innocent child, with all parts healthy, ready to have a good life if given a chance, but instead this heavy burden was installed on her thin shoulders. I still sometimes would see her as a little girl, looking a bit awkward and lost, probably because that little girl was still there. So, even at 50 years she still haven't found a way to shake off the way how she was preconditioned in her childhood.

Understanding all this just breaks my heart.