It Finally Happened- ran into ubpdxh while out with S6

[I Am Redeemed]

I was hoping we would never be in this situation, but I guess that was wishful thinking. We ran into each other at the local box store. I'm not sure it was a coincidence, but anyway.

Ubpdxh hasn't seen S6 in three years. We recently got our divorce finalized. I have kept S6 away from ubpdxh and had no contact because of severe DV and a sexual assault. He also has substance abuse issues, though he does go through periods of sobriety. This is one of those periods.

He was at the store with his new GF and their four-month-old son. S6 was introduced to his baby brother. He doesn't understand.

Part of me wanted to run away when he called my name and I turned around and saw him. Part of me wanted to punch him in his face because of the things he has done. I didn't do either.

I let him talk. I have S6 in play therapy and we have recently discussed the issue of his father being absent from his life. I was advised to let S6 know that he does have a father, but that we don't see him because he isn't a safe person, so I have done that. S6 was confusing my father (who died before he was born) with his father, and was believing his father was dead. We cleared that up and had a conversation where I said just what the T advised, that he does have a father but we don't see him because of safety concerns.

S6 did not recognize ubpdxh. He does have memories of him, and has talked about him, but he did not recognize him on sight. I did tell S6 that this was his father because I thought he deserved to know.

I could tell that ubpdxh was playing his humble "I've been trying to do better, I've done this, this, and this" role. I stayed on my guard, though while watching his act I was almost pulled into feeling sorry for him again. What pulled me out of that was remembering all the pain he has caused all of my children, especially some disclosures D14 recently made to me.

He did not push for visits with S6, which is part of the act. He asked for phone contact, and legally, the divorce papers say I have to allow it, so I agreed to it.

I am concerned because I know how unstable ubpdxh is, and even if he is on a sober path now, I've heard from his mother that all his behaviors haven't changed. I know that his current GF is being abused by him, and that tiny baby in her arms is being exposed to it.

I remember, though, my T and S6's T telling me that I won't be able to protect my son from everything, and that if he does resume contact with ubpdxh at some point in the future that he has supports in place to help him with the disappointment of his father not being the person he has idolized in his head. He's very aware that other kids have loving and fun dads and he doesn't, and he wants his father to be that for him. He will most likely be very disappointed because ubdhxh cannot be trusted to be a reliable parent for anyone. But I can be there to help S6 with this, as will his T, and in the long run, it will build resilience for him if he experiences this kind of difficulty and has help to navigate it.

It just still sucks. I am sad for S6 because the situation is what it is. I still wish I could fix it, because I'm his mom, but I cant'.

[kells76]

Ugggghhhh.

That feeling of wanting to either run away or do some punching (or both) is relatable.

First thought is that S6 may at some point need an explanation of how some things aren't safe and we can tell by looking (busy street, angry dog), but sometimes we can't tell just by looking if something or someone isn't safe. Sometimes things/people are unsafe in ways we can't see. (I'm assuming your ex looked like "a normal guy" when you ran into him?)

So glad S6 has you and a T working together for him.

How are you doing (physically, emotionally,...) after that? Shaky? Able to get any time just for you, or with people who get it and you can vent to? Us obviously  and I think I remember you've had some good coworkers?

Just ugh.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, kells. I do think S6 needs more context about what "safe people" are and aren't, and I will definitely tell his T about this and ask how I should go about discussing it with him.

I did feel shaky afterwards. Restless. I paced around for a while and then made a casserole to give myself something tangible to do with my restless energy.

I posted here first. I wanted to call someone, but my friends that I would talk to about this were at work. I'll see some of them today so we can talk in person. I called my ex mil, which sounds ironic, but she's the one person with the best understanding of the situation, as she's been through similar with X's father and she knows how very much ubpdxh acts like his dad did.

From talking to MIL, I discovered at least one lie he told while he was talking to me. Ubpdxh said he knew S10 was taking ADHD meds because he's required to pay for insurance for all the kids and he gets notified about things like doctor visits or medication. This didn't make sense to me, because the kids have Medicaid and do not use his insurance. I asked mil and she said she's the one who told him S10 has ADHD and was taking medicine. So... not sure why he lied about something like that.

The kicker to all this is that he texted me afterwards and thanked me for the kindness of the small moment he got with S6 and the promise of phone contact. He said he will be"waiting for S6's call."

Waiting for his call? He's six. You're the dad, you're the one who says you want to have a relationship, yet you won't be the one to pick up the phone? You're going to put the responsibility for the relationship on a six-year-old? (Actually, me, because I am the one who would have to initiate the call and help S6 do that).

Typical. It's someone else's responsibility. He's made his wishes known and is now placing responsibility for getting them fulfilled on someone else.

[Woolspinner2000]

IAR,

Sounds like you did well in staying calm outwardly and helping your son, even while having huge inner turmoil. Sometimes I am thankful for the skills I learned from growing up with an uBPDm because I learned how to remain dead calm in the extreme drama. The afterwards inner shaking is tough though, and I'm glad you took extra care for yourself and found something constructive to do. I often need to get outside and move my body doing something to burn off that restless emotional energy that burns inside after an event like what you went through.

Take it one day at a time with S6. T will be such a huge support. It's not an easy journey. My S27 still deeply desires that his dad would value him for who he is, but S27 maintains strong boundaries to protect him self from the unhealthy issues his dad has and tries to project onto him.

 
Wools

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you, wools. I told S6's T about it and that I didn't know how to properly explain what a safe person is to S6. She explained it to him by simply saying that safe people are people you can be around without them hurting you or saying bad things to you. She explained that ubpdxh had made bad choices that have hurt people.

Ubpdxh texted last night and asked if S6 could talk. I told him to call. They talked briefly and then S6 was ready to end the call, so he said goodbye. I was glad to see that he was able to decide for himself when he was done talking.

[BigOof]

I Am Redeemed, I feel your pain.

I try to explain bad actors in terms of storybooks and fairy tales. Then I role-play out the scenes playing both the good and bad roles. I'm working with a much younger child, though.

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh! Seeing him in a place you regularly go.

I was so glad to hear that my ex moved to the opposite coast. I occasionally ran into him or heard accounts from people who had seen him. It was alway an unpleasant reminder.

It sounds like you handled yourself well.    How did the casserole turn out?

The worst aspect is that he wants to open the door for more contact with your son. I suspect that won’t last long…hopefully.

[I Am Redeemed]

Cat, the casserole was decent but I think I can make it better. I'm on a quest for the perfect tater tot casserole and every version is good but not quite right... yet!

I'm sure he's not going to keep up with contact for long. He swore he was sober, and even said I could call his sponsor (a local A&D counselor) and ask. But he's hidden drug use from the NA program before. He was using at his one year sobriety celebration ten years ago. His mother said he's smoking pot so...

It starts with buying scratch off lottery tickets, then it's marijuana, then someone will come up with some pills, then it eventually moves to harder drugs. His defaulted business loan will probably catch up to him soon, as well, and he will probably eventually violate the probation he's on for theft. Same patterns for over twenty years.

[I Am Redeemed]

About seeing him in the store...

There's two in town, north and south. I live out south. I ran into someone one time in the store who said that she saw ubpdxh in there previously. I panicked and was going to avoid the store, but then I got angry and decided that I should be able to shop wherever I want, and so I did. I took my power back over that fear, and I don't regret it.

Bonus: my nervous system responded to seeing him with Fight/Flight but not Freeze, which is my go-to cptsd trauma response. My T said it's because I have done a lot of healing and my nervous system did exactly what it's supposed to do without being overly activated

[zaqsert]

[...] I took my power back over that fear, and I don't regret it.

Bonus: my nervous system responded to seeing him with Fight/Flight but not Freeze, which is my go-to cptsd trauma response. My T said it's because I have done a lot of healing and my nervous system did exactly what it's supposed to do without being overly activated

So glad to hear! 

[Cat Familiar]

Wonderful!  Your Mama Bear instinct overrode any fear you might have had. 

[ForeverDad]

I think you're right, his past history of not seeing his child is his default behavior, his status quo.  (There is a phrase for this, slips my mind right now.  Was it "his comfort zone"?  My new saying is, if you're going to get old, at least be healthy.)  Likely part of this, besides meeting you, is to look good for his GF/babymother.  She might even have reminded him to call.

[I Am Redeemed]

Wonderful!  Your Mama Bear instinct overrode any fear you might have had. 

Exactly what my T said.

I think you're right, his past history of not seeing his child is his default behavior, his status quo.  (There is a phrase for this, slips my mind right now.  Was it "his comfort zone"?  My new saying is, if you're going to get old, at least be healthy.)  Likely part of this, besides meeting you, is to look good for his GF/babymother.  She might even have reminded him to call.

Wow, that is an astute observation and very accurate. He always gave me a sob story about how he was a victim and was kept away from his kid. Once, when his oldest son was 14, we saw him at the fair, and ubpdxh put on a huge dramatic reaction about how he wanted so bad to talk to him but he wasn't allowed to, blah, blah. He said when his son was 18 he could finally contact him. His son is 23 now and he has no contact and hasn't tried, to my knowledge or anyone else that knows him.