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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Feeling worthless and suicidal  (Read 4550 times)
idk123
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« on: January 28, 2022, 02:28:56 AM »

I can't get over being discarded like trash. I supported him despite going through my own trauma involving ocd and an assault. I feel like he wants me to not exist and now i don't want to exist.
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ACycleWiser

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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2022, 09:59:39 AM »

I can't get over being discarded like trash. I supported him despite going through my own trauma involving ocd and an assault. I feel like he wants me to not exist and now i don't want to exist.

This is really the most painful aspect, and i feel your pain as i too have experienced this, two times actually.

The cruelty of the disease is that BPDs look for care and safety in others, once there is a moment the empathy and care should run the other direction, they can't. The relationship will be at its "best" at times that you are strong and at your best. The moment though that you start to show signs of weakness, disease, or genuine effects from the turbulent relationship pattern, they get scared of no longer being taken care of themselves, so they devalue and discard.

He wants you to not exist because deep down he IS confronted with guilt, he knows he can't return the favor. But as a classic cluster-B defense, to avoid the pain it gets externalized and projected outward. So the feeling that he does not want you to exist, is really the only way for him to remain innocent and be able to outrun the guilt. The fact they devalue you is a devaluation of themselves primarily. Remember that they try to avoid feeling many negative emotions, and that they only get rid of them by casting them onto you.

So, would you let someone who does the above decide over your right and value to exist?



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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2022, 12:52:11 PM »

I can't get over being discarded like trash. I supported him despite going through my own trauma involving ocd and an assault. I feel like he wants me to not exist and now i don't want to exist.

Hey IDK I certainly understand your pain. It hurts and it hurts deeply to the point where it feels like it will never end. However, realize that the agony is a reminder that you have the ability to love and to feel. You are not the problem. Additionally, you matter and your life has more value than you could possibly understand.

Never ever let anyone dictate your worth and value but yourself. Do not let someone else put you into the position where you contemplate that are you willing to give up the single most important thing there is. Life itself. There are others who you love and care about and they love and care about you. Let go of the thought that you would put them in pain by removing yourself from their lives. You would be projecting on them what was done to you and I am pretty confident you do not want to do that. Yes it sucks, but you are going to get past this and get through this. Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Please continue to vent to us here and let us help you. We are all in this together. This family has your back.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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jaded7
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« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2022, 03:57:00 PM »

This is really the most painful aspect, and i feel your pain as i too have experienced this, two times actually.

The cruelty of the disease is that BPDs look for care and safety in others, once there is a moment the empathy and care should run the other direction, they can't. The relationship will be at its "best" at times that you are strong and at your best. The moment though that you start to show signs of weakness, disease, or genuine effects from the turbulent relationship pattern, they get scared of no longer being taken care of themselves, so they devalue and discard.

He wants you to not exist because deep down he IS confronted with guilt, he knows he can't return the favor. But as a classic cluster-B defense, to avoid the pain it gets externalized and projected outward...

So, would you let someone who does the above decide over your right and value to exist?

I feel your pain. Daily. I know many others here do too. It hurts, a lot. I'm increasingly believing that this pain is due to attachment trauma, which I certainly experienced growing up...a lot. It primes us for this. Just letting you know you're not alone, if that helps at all.

ACycleWiser- you make some very good points. They want/need care and safety in others, but can't offer it. Quite the opposite, actually. And at least in my case and those I've read of others, they really despise you when you want care and safety from them.

My ex, very early in the relationship, asked me in tears if "I would take care of her". I didn't really understand what this meant at the time (I had no knowledge of BPD), but as a loving partner I said "of course". I wanted to take care of her. I'm a caring person, and I loved her. The trick is that I couldn't 'take care of her', no matter what I did it wasn't good enough. I tried and tried. When she was sick at home and I called and texted asking how she was, is there anything I can bring you...she said no, nothing. Then blocked me on the phone because "I couldn't take care of her". When I told her that I tried, wanted to, even made suggestions of things I could do when she told me she needed nothing, she mocked my suggestions and said "my friends know what to do without asking".

There's no winning. One night in an angry bout she looked at my books on the bookshelves and said "your books are shelved sloppily, you can't even stack your books right, how are you going to take care of me?"

If I showed 'needs' of any sort, I was rejected and shamed. On a bad day I was having -once- I went to her place for lunch, and asked while she was cooking if I could have another hug. She looked at me disdainfully and said "No, too needy". This from the person who called me all the time to complain about her life and I listened patiently and lovingly. If I had a struggle at work that day, just talking about day-to-day frustrations "I thought I already told you..." If I was upset at some confusing mind games, hurt by her anger, bewildered by her words, and cried "I don't have time for your emotions."

So I think you're right. You take care of them, they don't take care of you. And they look for signs that you might not be able to take care of them and devalue you for them.
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idk123
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2022, 01:57:17 AM »

I was never good enough for him. I wasn't his favorite person and he didn't idealized me. We just slowly got to know each other and it really seemed like he had feelings for me, but that they confused him. I miss him so much, i have two friends in the city I live in and severe OCD after a sexual assault 2 years ago that resulted in my boyfriend of 5 yeas ghosting oUT of our relationship. I really didn't need this heart break added on. Im torn between wanting to find him and kiss him, and wanting to scream and yell at him that I was much more vulnerable than him and how could he just cut me off without any regard for how that might affect me after using me for comfort and advice and sex for 9 months.
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SinisterComplex
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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2022, 12:52:48 PM »

Hey IDK you have every right to be pissed off and angry. Moreover, just plain hurt. It is ok to feel that way. The only part I want to interject on. Thinking that you were never good enough for him or that you are not good enough for him. I can understand how you feel that way and why you feel that way. What I would ask you to do though is to consider the opposite. Beyond that always remember that your kindness is a strength never a weakness. Additionally, entertain the thought that hey it has nothing to do with who is not good enough for whom, but more to do with that one person is disordered and the other is not which is a recipe for the non to be left in the wake of devastation.

Of course that doesn't make it much easier because you are still left with these feelings. Please continue to vent. We truly care about you here and want to see you happy and doing better. You will get there. Believe in YOU.

Hang in there. Keep your head up. Take care of you. Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2022, 02:40:16 PM »

I can definitely relate to all of the stories here. It’s okay to feel sad, lonely, hurt. No one will every be good enough for him. Ever. And everyone deserves to be treated better than you were. I hope you’ll seek therapy if you can, it helps alot to realize what is normal and what is not, and to speak with someone who has so much experience with pwBPD. And I hope you keep posting on here. Of course his behavior hurts you, because it’s hurtful and abusive!
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drumdog4M
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« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2022, 03:02:23 PM »

I too empathize with your feelings and strongly encourage you to seek therapy if you have ideas of suicide and self-harm. You are valuable and worthy of life and love. Please do not let his callous treatment of you, which is so common among many of us here, change your own narrative. You will heal and move beyond this pain with time and work. We are all here to give you the support we can.
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idk123
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« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2022, 10:41:05 PM »

I can't get therapy and I really have no support system right now. I have very bad OCD. I really miss him and I keep trying periodically to gently reach out, but he refuses to unblock me or respond. I'm really not doing well and I really need to speak with him. Does anyone have any advice for the best way to get him to just speak with me? I've emailed and messaged him, but he doesn't respond and blocks me. I found out he had covid recently and sent him some candy in the mail, he posted about it on Twitter and said he was grateful (and that he knew it was me), but he still won't talk to me at all
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Mack1

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« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2022, 12:35:20 AM »

I can't get therapy and I really have no support system right now. I have very bad OCD. I really miss him and I keep trying periodically to gently reach out, but he refuses to unblock me or respond. I'm really not doing well and I really need to speak with him. Does anyone have any advice for the best way to get him to just speak with me? I've emailed and messaged him, but he doesn't respond and blocks me. I found out he had covid recently and sent him some candy in the mail, he posted about it on Twitter and said he was grateful (and that he knew it was me), but he still won't talk to me at all
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Mack1

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« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2022, 12:40:30 AM »

Hey there.
I know you’re going through a horrible time-been once before and now again, but just tell yourself every time you reach out to him all you’re doing is giving him the dagger to stab you in the heart with if you don’t get the reply you want or nothing.
I honestly don’t care how their mind works but i do know that if you show no interest and keep up no contact, it creates a reaction that you don’t care, and by f##k it gets to them on some level; big egos remember.
So try your best to keep silent and don’t relent. Be stronger and hopefully you stop getting g the insatiable urge to contact.
Stay strong.
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idk123
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« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2022, 04:44:47 PM »


I stayed silent for two months before sending a Christmas card, and he still has not unblocked or reached out to me. We have no mutual friends so its very out of sight out of mind. I ran into him at a subway station on Valentines Day, he waved. I walked away without saying anything but went back and gave him a poem I'd been carrying in my pocket. He seems to have liked it, he posted a photo of it to his Instagram immediately, but again, won't unblock me or say anything. I had another friend with BPD who went behind my back and messaged this friend and told him a bunch of lies and made everything so much worse.
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Mack1

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« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2022, 09:56:50 PM »


I stayed silent for two months before sending a Christmas card, and he still has not unblocked or reached out to me. We have no mutual friends so its very out of sight out of mind. I ran into him at a subway station on Valentines Day, he waved. I walked away without saying anything but went back and gave him a poem I'd been carrying in my pocket. He seems to have liked it, he posted a photo of it to his Instagram immediately, but again, won't unblock me or say anything. I had another friend with BPD who went behind my back and messaged this friend and told him a bunch of lies and made everything so much worse.
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Mack1

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« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2022, 10:12:09 PM »

Nobody will ever criticise you for having these feelings and wanting so bad for it to work out.
The most difficult part-and one that has taken me over two decades to understand, is THEY don’t ‘feel’ like us.
If you imaging their life like a movie, they are the star and while you were convinced you were the co-star, you weren’t, you were a bit-part for however long they took to suck you dry then their off, looking for the next person who’ll give them the ‘star’ treatment for a while.
Trust me, it’s the biggest kick in the guts you’ll ever get, but you will return to your best self and be stronger for the experience.
The hardest part is turning the love you had in to hate at how dare anyone treat you like that, as you, being a person with normal feeling wouldn’t do that
That day will come. Until then, every minute, every hour and every day you resist the urge for contact, you’re closer to getting back to your best.
Stay strong and tell yourself everyday. ‘It’s their loss, not mine.’
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idk123
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« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2022, 01:58:05 AM »

Nobody will ever criticise you for having these feelings and wanting so bad for it to work out.
The most difficult part-and one that has taken me over two decades to understand, is THEY don’t ‘feel’ like us.
If you imaging their life like a movie, they are the star and while you were convinced you were the co-star, you weren’t, you were a bit-part for however long they took to suck you dry then their off, looking for the next person who’ll give them the ‘star’ treatment for a while.
Trust me, it’s the biggest kick in the guts you’ll ever get, but you will return to your best self and be stronger for the experience.
The hardest part is turning the love you had in to hate at how dare anyone treat you like that, as you, being a person with normal feeling wouldn’t do that
That day will come. Until then, every minute, every hour and every day you resist the urge for contact, you’re closer to getting back to your best.
Stay strong and tell yourself everyday. ‘It’s their loss, not mine.’

I didn't feel like the co-star, he never idealized me or any of the typical BPD pattern I read about. I knew he had BPD from the very beginning, and he knew I had OCD. He knew my illness was actually much more severe than his and that I was just beginning to regain functionality. I have virtually no support system, and had just dealt with a series of horrible events involving a falling out with my family, a sexual assault, developing contamination OCD that got so bad I was straight up ingesting bleach, and then my partner of 5 years ghosted out of our relationship. His family had money and just bought him a new apartment and car and he left all his stuff in our apartment and didn't tell me what was going on. When I contacted him, had me falsely charged with assault. This guy knew all of this, knew what I'd been through with my ex, and he abandoned me after I just started to recover from all of that. I can't handle it. I don't want no contact, I NEED to speak to him.
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Mack1

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« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2022, 02:42:22 AM »

I’m truly sorry for all the stuff you’ve been through but try to remember that this rat, I won’t even call him a man, saw you go through all this and still behaves like that.
You deserve much more and he deserves a slap.
I honestly wish more women on her had brothers who didn’t take kindly to decent human being being treated this way.
Common decency is severely lacking in their brains and unfortunately we don’t get it. To have you charged shows the weakness and cowardness of the man.
Whatever happens I wish you all the best in your recovery.
It’s the least you deserve.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2022, 01:09:04 PM »

Hey there, hope you're doing okay today. I feel for you, my friend. I also have some pretty bad OCD, BPD relationships are addictive to begin with, and OCD makes it so much worse when they just cut you out like mine did. Mine also threatened police activity, blocked me, refused to talk to me for months. All I could think about was her, I couldn't sleep, eat properly, anything. I was a mess.

Then, out of the blue, she called me 4 times in 1 hour just to see "how I was doing." I thought it would help to hear from her, but it just triggered the PTSD SHE gave me. When you do hear from him, remember not to trust him, and remember what you're really talking to is the BPD.

All I can say is, learn as much as you can about BPD. Read the boards on here. It's not just you. He's not special. He's just another BPD rat, like Mack1 says. He doesn't care about you, doesn't love you. He won't give you closure. I know that hurts to hear.

Are there free suicide counseling hotlines/services in your area? I know you said you don't have easy access to therapy, but try to find whatever you can, and keep posting on here.

If you are a person of faith, pray and study your religion. Exercise. Eat some healthy food you enjoy. Be outside as much as you can and do things that you feel confident in, for example I worked ALOT because I am good at my job, maybe not the healthiest but it got my mind off her and I felt "safe" there because my work is more important than her temporary "crises." Take some deep breaths. Try to be around animals, who love unconditionally, consider adopting a pet.

You are going through a withdrawal. Expect pain and hurt, but it's the only way to get the toxin out of your system. He is quite literally a drug, learning about how these relationships are addictions helped me a lot. Also, my OCD is worse when I'm stressed and she stressed me out more than anything ever, but I feel you. Have compassion on yourself. Don't expect perfection. You deserve better and will have it, once the poison that is BPD abuse (and he is ABUSING you, even now by refusing closure) is out of your system.

It will get better, and you are worthy of true love, just don't give up. We all care about and are here for you.
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idk123
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« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2022, 09:11:13 PM »

I already know A LOT about BPD, and his BPD specifically. If anything, that's made it much worse, I don't get to have the epiphany moment. I knew he had it, and I could handle it. When he was grouchy, I didn't react and it didn't bother me. But, the not talking and no contact is killing me because I have no support system and a bunch of other factors. Also, I was never his favorite person or idealized really. It seems a lot more like we just slowly fell for each other over time, but he isn't used to anything that isn't that instant idealization they do, so he ran and is hiding.
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WhatToDo47
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« Reply #18 on: March 30, 2022, 10:20:31 PM »

I already know A LOT about BPD, and his BPD specifically. If anything, that's made it much worse, I don't get to have the epiphany moment. I knew he had it, and I could handle it. When he was grouchy, I didn't react and it didn't bother me. But, the not talking and no contact is killing me because I have no support system and a bunch of other factors. Also, I was never his favorite person or idealized really. It seems a lot more like we just slowly fell for each other over time, but he isn't used to anything that isn't that instant idealization they do, so he ran and is hiding.

Yeah, what he is doing is abuse, plain and simple emotional abuse intended to make you suffer, in my opinion. Do you have anyone around you can talk to who will listen? I know you said you don't have a lot of support but anyone will do at this point.

Don't blame yourself, NO ONE could have made it work with him long term. He will leave you for not being impulsive/falling and then leave the next person for falling too fast and triggering his fear of engulfment. Nothing will ever work without years of therapy for him. I know you already know that but it bears repeating.

Have you done research on trauma bonds and how to break them?

I apologize if this isn't helpful. I'm new to this myself, to be honest, just know that you deserve more and will have better days ahead. He doesn't deserve any more rent free space in your brain. Easier said than done, I know.
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idk123
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« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2022, 12:38:55 AM »

I've lost a lot of weight and I can't eat or sleep. It's been months and I'm getting worse. I want to ask him to just talk to me at this point because I'm not okay and it's starting to worry me and everyone else.
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finallyout
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« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2022, 04:29:22 AM »

I've lost a lot of weight and I can't eat or sleep. It's been months and I'm getting worse. I want to ask him to just talk to me at this point because I'm not okay and it's starting to worry me and everyone else.

I am sorry that you are going through this. My heart goes out to you.

It sucks to go through all of this alone, without therapy or a support system. But you have us here on this board. Maybe mentioning more details about what happened between both of you and how the relationship came to an end, could help you come to terms with it. Maybe this could relieve some of the pain you are feeling right now. Reaching out to him most probably won't help. The detachment process is about you and how you handle your emotions. It is also about understanding the role both of you played in the relationship. 

Hang in there my friend, it will get better with time. I am sure.
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idk123
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« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2022, 07:38:01 AM »

I do not want to detach. I am not aiming for that, it's too painful.
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NotAHero
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« Reply #22 on: April 19, 2022, 10:56:00 AM »

I do not want to detach. I am not aiming for that, it's too painful.

 It does hurt but when it’s the best option what can we do ? You will not feel the hurt forever. It will get better. Try to start preparing for it mentally and give it time. May of us here have been there …
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idk123
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« Reply #23 on: April 20, 2022, 01:31:11 AM »

He was literally the only good thing in my life after a bunch of traumatic situations got dumped on me. He didn't know how mentally ill I was with my OCD and how hard it was for me to care for someone again. I stupidly hid from him how badly I had been doing before he came along. I don't have the motivation or desire to get better now, I like used up the last of my optimism about life in general on our friendship and now I'm just absolutely miserable. I have not slept in 42 hours, I can't eat. I have put all my sharp objects on my balcony and barricaded the door because I'm having horrible thoughts of selfharm.
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idk123
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« Reply #24 on: April 20, 2022, 01:35:57 AM »

I'm sorry for the depressing and desperate posts, but I have no support system really, it's the middle of the night where I am, and I have PTSD from a previous involuntary confinement in a psyche ward. Going to a hospital makes me panic and worsens my OCD symptoms. I just don't know what to do because the manner that he discarded me has triggered my OCD to become obsessed with him and the situation. It feels like mental torture. I was raped and my ocd turned into a severe contamination phobia from it, he was the first person I felt comfortable touching, and the only person I have slept with in almost three years.
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DazzleD

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« Reply #25 on: April 20, 2022, 08:27:16 AM »

Don’t ever apologise for reaching out. It’s the one thing I didn’t do and can still struggle to do and I ended up in that place where I took an overdose and nearly succeeded in topping myself. This was pretty recent too after what I think is the final discard from my exgbpd. Keep reaching out you are doing the right thing posting on here and engaging with the support. I’m yet to find the strength to post about my experience with my ex so sit in the shadows on here but reading your posts makes me feel less alone with the trauma and heartbreak I am going through. Stay strong
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drumdog4M
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« Reply #26 on: April 20, 2022, 08:41:48 AM »

DazzleD & idk123,

You certainly are not alone, and please do not feel that expressing your pain is a burden on any of us. We are here for you when you are ready to post your story, or even just express feelings without getting into recounting the painful events.

I too am struggling with my discard and the aftermath of it. Reading others' experiences here has made me feel validated and much less alone (though it is still a long and rough journey to finding myself again). My small circle of friends just don't understand what I'm going through and are sick of my talking about it and grieving.

Posting here helps too, as I can express my experiences and feelings to a community of survivors who understand and empathize.

Go at your own pace. We are here for you. Please hang in there.
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idk123
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« Reply #27 on: April 20, 2022, 09:45:21 AM »

I'm glad its helping other people feel okay expressing their own feelings of desperation. I hope you're okay.

I just found out he's dating someone new and they had some sort of fight, but are back together I guess and he's all happy and I just feel so miserable and miss him so much. I want so badly to just know that I meant something to him. He never actually dated me, it was like I wasn't good enough and it's tying into the stupid intrusive OCD thoughts that tell me I am "tainted" and "dirty" after the assault and that's why he didn't want to actually be with me in a real relationship.
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« Reply #28 on: April 22, 2022, 10:26:20 PM »

Hang in there all of you and sorry I haven't been posting here as much, I have been very busy. But please keep posting and sharing. We all care about you. You ARE enough and it's not your fault what happened to you. Just know that he's not happy, even if he appears so. Happy people don't act the way pwBPD do. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself. As someone with OCD myself, who was cruelly discarded by a pwBPD and find it so hard not to ruminate about them, I find the best thing to do is just stay busy however I can. Go for a walk, post of here, read hundreds of other posts, listen to music. Literally anything to get your mind off it for a second. Find something, however small, to look forward to in the future. Spend time in nature or around animals. I know you will get through this and have better days ahead! We all care about you and are rooting for you!
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« Reply #29 on: April 23, 2022, 01:59:34 AM »

Thanks for the encouragement. I cracked and I went on stupid TextNow and sent him a message asking him to please speak with me.
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« Reply #30 on: April 23, 2022, 07:16:14 PM »

Thanks for the encouragement. I cracked and I went on stupid TextNow and sent him a message asking him to please speak with me.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's not easy to detach. Mentally prepare, how will you respond if he responds in a certain way? If he doesn't respond at all? That way you will be prepared. Whenever I hear from my expwBPD I always remind myself before responding "you can't trust this person," so remind yourself of that as well if it helps.

Keep us posted here what happens. We all ultimately want what's best for you!

I know for me it took many conversations with my expwBPD before I even felt strong enough to begin detaching, too many unanswered questions, but I do feel ready now. You'll get there, too. Please be kind to yourself and do some nice things for yourself.
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« Reply #31 on: April 24, 2022, 02:42:14 AM »

He doesn't respond. He hasn't reached out or responded on 6 months. I can't eat anymore. I ate half an apple and vomited. All I can do is just lay on my couch. I can't get up anymore. I don't understand what I did to deserve this.
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« Reply #32 on: April 24, 2022, 05:08:54 AM »

idk123,

You did not do anything to deserve this. Please be kind to yourself. I know it is very hard and that you are in pain. If possible, maybe you could try doing at least one thing a day that distracts you from ruminating about the situation and reminds you that there are many other things in life worth experiencing, whether it's time in nature, a few chapters in a good book, or exercise. As long as it focuses your mind on something else for a little while.

I recall that you said you do not have access to therapy. I wonder, however, if you might have access to a psychiatrist who could assess whether medication would be helpful for you.

We are here for you and wishing you well.
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« Reply #33 on: April 24, 2022, 05:37:13 AM »

Hi. I have read you story and like others here, I want to tell you that I am sorry you are in this torment currently. I am also discarded by my partner. It is 16 days now and I do not know if I will ever hear from her again.

But what I wanted to say is you are not worthless. You come across as many do here; as a kind genuine human being who CARES. I makes me sad to read all of these similar stories of beautiful people who are thrown onto the crapheap by people who are really not worthy of our love. I tell you what, I wish somebody would come and give me a poem they had been carrying around in their pocket.

I remember when my mother was alive. I was telling her an incident which happened about this woman whom I got involved with. I don’t even remember the situation, it was so long ago. But my mother said that despite being treated so poorly, don’t ever let it stop you being a kind human being.  

I can only suggest to you what I am trying to tell myself today. Imagine if we put this energy and love into somebody who appreciated it? We just need to work on ourselves. Sooner or later someone will notice us and fall in love with us because we are compassionate decent souls. Hard as things are now, it won’t always be like this.
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« Reply #34 on: April 24, 2022, 10:59:50 AM »

Beautifully said, drumdog and 2020. I completely agree. 2020, sorry to hear what happened to you and it happened to me, too, so I understand your pain. We all deserve better than this. Hang in there. Better days ahead for all, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Keep posting here everyone, it is a form of journaling and therapy.

And idk, you did NOTHING to deserve this. Maybe read the 10 mistaken beliefs after a BPD breakup article or whatever it's called on here. It's so helpful and I read it over and over again after I was brutally and coldly discarded.

idk, there has to be some form of free counseling or psychiatry service where you are, even if it's online. Seek it out. It's worth it and you deserve it. You matter too. I'm concerned about you and you may even want to seek hospital care if you're not able to take care of yourself. You are a good person and deserve a good life.
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« Reply #35 on: April 24, 2022, 11:06:58 AM »

And your feelings are valid and healthy and understandable. You were abused. Don't try to not feel what you feel. Accept it, be kind and let yourself feel, notice the feelings, and also let them pass. This pain won't last forever, even though it feels like it now.
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« Reply #36 on: April 27, 2022, 12:19:28 PM »

He spoke to me for three hours on Sunday. He still refuses to unblock me because seeing me makes him nervous and he doesn't know why other than that our friendship got too intimate and he couldn't handle it. He says he hasn't been seeing anyone and has accepted he'll be "alone forever".
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« Reply #37 on: April 27, 2022, 12:37:58 PM »

Did speaking with him give you some of the closure you were seeking?

How do you feel after the conversation?
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« Reply #38 on: April 27, 2022, 12:57:31 PM »

I felt hopeful that he would unblock me. He seemed like he was considering it, but so far he hasn't. I don't understand what is wrong with me that he doesn't like me. He claims he was just mirroring my attraction to him and it was all one sided, but it really did not seem like that at all. It seems like he cares about me, but is afraid of it. It's so frustrating. He told me everything, always wanted me around, we spoke everyday and saw each other twice a week by the end, and he definitely found me attractive (something that seemed to bother him a lot). It seems like the only thing he didn't like about me, was that I liked him. He's obsessed with a woman he has nothing in common with who he barely got to know and seemed really bored by during the 6 weeks they dated (they only met in person 5 times). He mourns his relationship with her because she essentially ended it, but doesn't seem to give a sh*t about our year long friendship (which he admitted was more like a relationship). It just makes me feel so used and so useless. I don't want closure, I just want my friend back.
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« Reply #39 on: April 27, 2022, 12:59:50 PM »

Even more upsetting, this girl he's obsessed with, looks like me. Everyone won't stop pointing it out to me and it makes me feel awful.
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« Reply #40 on: April 27, 2022, 01:10:14 PM »

I understand how sad, frustrating, and confusing that must be. It is really challenging trying to understand the "logic" pwBPD use in dealing with relationships of any kind. I certainly cannot explain his actions, though it is consistent with what I know about the way pwBPD think and behave.

You cannot make him change or engage with you, unless or until he is ready. It seems that you communicated your desire to remain friends with him and are willing to do so if he will let you. To me, it looks like you have done your part.

Though challenging, I would encourage you to focus on yourself and, if possible, trying to develop other truly reciprocal friendships. I also wonder if posting on the Board for bettering / reversing a breakup might yield some other ideas if you are trying to repair the relationship versus detaching and moving on from it.  

I am so sorry you are in pain, and please know that we are here to support you however we can.
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« Reply #41 on: April 27, 2022, 01:17:17 PM »

I see that you are referring to him as a "friend", but it seems like you are in love with him or otherwise ruminating over more than friendship. For whatever reason, he is stuck on his ex. Rejection to a pwBPD is one of their core wounds. It seems like he cannot get past that for now. As noted in an earlier post, this is not your fault, and you did nothing to deserve this. He does not seem in a place to requite your love.

And in fairness to yourself, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is "obsessed" with someone else? You deserve better, my friend. Please be kind to yourself.
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« Reply #42 on: April 27, 2022, 10:20:05 PM »

I don't have too much to add right now other than to second that you deserve better. I know that's not what you want right now, but it is what you deserve. Trust me, I've been in your shoes of just wanting them back, even if it's unhealthy for me and my emotional safety.

I agree that maybe you should post and read some on the bettering and conflicted boards. That's where I started and it gave me a lot of tools to try and salvage our mess of a marriage before I finally decided that I simply could not continue with her and ended up on this board.

It's a journey and a process, and remember that (especially with a pwBPD) no decision is final. You can and have the right to change your mind.

NOTHING is wrong with you that he doesn't like you because you like him. That's just his sick, twisted, cruel mental illness talking. Any normal, healthy person wants to be with someone who likes them vs someone who doesn't and they have nothing in common with.

I hope you're able to do something nice for yourself today and take care.
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« Reply #43 on: April 27, 2022, 10:21:00 PM »

I'm struggling not to message him again, which I know would undo any chance of him talking to me because I essentially have to act like I don't care about him. It's so painful. I am trying to cultivate other friendships but he meant so much to me and I'd been through so much traumatic stuff ontop of everything else. I am so alone in the city I live in and my contamination phobia makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I go days not speaking outloud and I didn't physically interact with another person for all of December and half of January.
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« Reply #44 on: April 28, 2022, 10:20:20 PM »

I'm struggling not to message him again, which I know would undo any chance of him talking to me because I essentially have to act like I don't care about him. It's so painful. I am trying to cultivate other friendships but he meant so much to me and I'd been through so much traumatic stuff ontop of everything else. I am so alone in the city I live in and my contamination phobia makes it difficult for me to interact with people. I go days not speaking outloud and I didn't physically interact with another person for all of December and half of January.

Is this the kind of relationship you want for yourself? You deserve so much better. I know how crippling OCD can be, and I really think you owe it to yourself to get some help. You deserve a better life than this isolated one. I know there is some form of help you can get, a doctor or therapist. I'm not saying this to be harsh, just because I care about you and I'm worried about you. Please be as kind to yourself as you are to him.

I wish I had more to say. I really think these questions might be better answered by the staying and conflicted boards and I encourage you to post there, too.

Also, if you do contact him again just remember that you can't trust him and expect him to act in cruel and childish ways.
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« Reply #45 on: May 02, 2022, 01:16:54 AM »

I can't get therapy because I have OCD specifically around treatment after being forcibly confined. I do ERT and CBT on my own with help from a friend from an OCD support group who is a neurologist/psychologist.

I crumbled and wound up texting him by making two stupid Textnow accounts and begging (something I never did). He called and we spoke for three hours like we used to. He seemed sad. I asked if he would unblock me and he seemed like he might, but he didn't. I was so determined to not text him again for like a month, but then four days later I randomly ran into him on the street (we live in a big city, so this is weird). We made eye contact and I ran away like an idiot, but it upset me and I crumpled and sent a bunch of ridiculously emotional texts last night and asked him to please meet with me. Now I've definitely scared him off and he'll double down even more
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« Reply #46 on: May 03, 2022, 10:19:11 PM »

I can't get therapy because I have OCD specifically around treatment after being forcibly confined. I do ERT and CBT on my own with help from a friend from an OCD support group who is a neurologist/psychologist.

I crumbled and wound up texting him by making two stupid Textnow accounts and begging (something I never did). He called and we spoke for three hours like we used to. He seemed sad. I asked if he would unblock me and he seemed like he might, but he didn't. I was so determined to not text him again for like a month, but then four days later I randomly ran into him on the street (we live in a big city, so this is weird). We made eye contact and I ran away like an idiot, but it upset me and I crumpled and sent a bunch of ridiculously emotional texts last night and asked him to please meet with me. Now I've definitely scared him off and he'll double down even more

I am glad you are getting some help from a friend and are doing ERT and CBT. Don't be too hard on yourself, it is REALLY hard to detach from pwBPD, they are addictive and OCD already makes us more vulnerable to obsessions.

Sorry for the slow replies, I have been very busy. How are you doing? Did you have a chance to post on the staying and/or conflicted boards?

One bit of advice I received shortly after finding this site is that with a pwBPD it's never really "over," whether it's 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years, etc. They don't attach OR detach in a healthy stable way. I NEVER thought my pwBPD would want to talk to me again, now she is reaching out to me often but I am healed enough not to want to engage her. He will reach out to you again, but it's up to you what you want to do.
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« Reply #47 on: May 12, 2022, 04:59:18 AM »


Thank you for responding. I have not posted elsewhere as I found it hard to get replies in the past. I spoke to him again. I was having a panic attack and once again reached out via a temporary text app. He spoke to me for two hours, but still refused to unblock me.

I think he is surprised to see me upset, I always kept my mental health issues separate (though he knew i had severe ocd and that it was actually "worse" than his BPD) and never leaned on him. He never seemed too interested in my stuff, definitely didn't love bomb me, so I don't think he'll come back. I don't think he ever cared. He cut me off so quickly and never once faltered. I'm blocked everywhere and it's incredibly triggering. I'm friendly with all my exes, even one who beat me during a bipolar manic episode. I've never had someone just throw me away. I haven't told him how awfully I am doing, because I think that would frighten him away, but I genuinely feel like I'm slowly dying from the insomnia and loss of appetite. I can't look in a mirror anymore. I have to do my makeup with a tiny mirror so I can just see bits of me because I feel so horrible about myself now. Being raped left me with a lot of issues that he weirdly helped heal, now that he's thrown me away like trash, I feel even more like trash than I did after the assault.
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« Reply #48 on: May 12, 2022, 10:24:37 PM »

Thank you for responding. I have not posted elsewhere as I found it hard to get replies in the past. I spoke to him again. I was having a panic attack and once again reached out via a temporary text app. He spoke to me for two hours, but still refused to unblock me.

I think he is surprised to see me upset, I always kept my mental health issues separate (though he knew i had severe ocd and that it was actually "worse" than his BPD) and never leaned on him. He never seemed too interested in my stuff, definitely didn't love bomb me, so I don't think he'll come back. I don't think he ever cared. He cut me off so quickly and never once faltered. I'm blocked everywhere and it's incredibly triggering. I'm friendly with all my exes, even one who beat me during a bipolar manic episode. I've never had someone just throw me away. I haven't told him how awfully I am doing, because I think that would frighten him away, but I genuinely feel like I'm slowly dying from the insomnia and loss of appetite. I can't look in a mirror anymore. I have to do my makeup with a tiny mirror so I can just see bits of me because I feel so horrible about myself now. Being raped left me with a lot of issues that he weirdly helped heal, now that he's thrown me away like trash, I feel even more like trash than I did after the assault.

I'm glad you are posting on here. I wish I had words to help you, but just know that I and everyone here cares about you and is rooting for you. Is it helping to hear from him, even in my spurts? I actually found that hearing occasionally, those hours long phone calls, and then nothing, from my expwBPD helped me detach because it showed me how little she truly cares about me except when it fills a need for her.

I hope you are having an ok day. Apologies in advance for slow replies. I have been very busy and don't get to post on here as much as I used to.
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« Reply #49 on: May 23, 2022, 02:41:13 AM »

Thank you for responding. I appreciate it. Hearing from him made me feel so much better and like we were on track to being friends again, but I can't stop my neediness and I only managed 16 days before I cracked and sent him texts again asking him to call me because I was having a panic attack. Unlike the past two times, this time he didn't.  I feel terrible, I'm so ridiculously isolated and lonely and I miss him terribly.
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« Reply #50 on: May 23, 2022, 02:58:35 PM »

Hi,
 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want you to know that you're not alone in this. We've all, to some extent or another, gone through something similar to this. A discard is brutal and devastating for anyone to go through. Mine happened out of the blue on Valentine's Day and then I was isolated during the epidemic. I found out my ex met someone while I was still with her (with the aid of her mother no less) and moved in with this person less than two weeks after we'd broken up. I think I cried every day for months. I was even admitted to a psych facility due to this exacerbating my underlying depression. Anytime I tried to get answers out of her, both while in the relationship and afterwards,  she would emotionally shut down which made me frustrated and angry. She knew I had trauma in my life and yet she still did the things she did because, as she told me, "I needed to be selfish." Her discard seemed narcissistic and sociopathic, almost.

What needs to happen is that your heart (emotions) needs to catch up to your brain (logical thought). This can take a while. Like you, I was blocked everywhere. Understand that what you are going through is a natural response to being abandoned, perhaps more-so if one of your parents have a personality disorder. It really helps, in the beginning, to think of this like a drug addiction. The communication that you seek is the drug- in that it will excite a serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin response in your brain. This communication won't be enough, however, and will always leave you wanting more. Remember, you aren't dealing with a person who has the same response to emotions and empathy as you do. If you were to perform an MRI of this person's brain next to a "neurotypical" person, you'd be able to see substantial differences in their limbic system (emotional response region) activation. This is why they will never be able to give you the answers and closure you're looking for. There's no self reflection here without years of DBT therapy. And even that probably won't work for the majority of cases. It's maddening and is made worse that while you are left devastated, they will just jump into another relationship without a second thought, seemingly off into the sunset.

The worst of part of this is coming to terms with the fact that this relationship is over. While there were moments when this person probably loved you, their definition of "love" is vastly different than yours. They needed you for validation, thus their "love" is really attachment. That's why they can throw you away so easily. If they loved you, they would've never said or done the things they did to you.

 You are going to have to wean yourself off of this person. Don't take anything they say to you seriously. One, it's mostly likely gaslighting and lies, and two, what they say to you during the discard is them talking to themselves. My father, for example, is a narcissist which is one of the reasons I was vulnerable to this type of relationship to begin with. He once told me, "I will always see you as a handicapped child", because of my depression. I now realize he was talking about himself. But it was easy to internalize that. BPD folks say horrible things because deep down they are sad and scared. Most of us grow out of that when we're young, but they haven't.

Do not check their socials. This will always lead to pain. It's really hard not to but it will set you back miles in your healing. The best thing I did was to go "no contact". No contact works because it sets the stage for healing with you and establishes a boundary with them. Remember, BPD is about control. Control is all they have to make sense of the world around them. By establishing no contact - phone #, email, socials, ect. - you are taking control away from them. It also keeps you going back for another hit - another "maybe if I talk to them this will work" or "maybe we can rekindle this with time". That doesn't exist. The connection you seek is something they can't give -  they're just not capable of it.

As you get over this and begin to heal, you will see that this is actually a blessing in disguise. I know it didn't seem like that at time my ex broke up with me. I was left sobbing at work, on the train, by myself. I felt like my life had stopped. But imagine what damage will be caused by someone who is only attached to you for their own needs. Life is full of hardship regardless of who you are. Do you want to be with someone who leaves you at the drop of a hat? Who lies and makes things up? That doesn't have your best interest in mind? Do you want to be treated like a co- dependent doormat, constantly walking on eggshells all of time, trying to not set this person off? What if you were married to this person? Do you think they would take their marriage vows seriously? Children? What would it be like for a child to grow up with a mother or father that treats them the same way you are being treated - or- worse because your partner, like a 2-year old,  no longer feels like they are the center of things? That's yet another generation of children dealing with mental illness because a parent isn't in any way, shape or form prepared to deal with themselves, no less children.  

 What helped me was knowing that this behavior had a face. Knowing it was BPD made it easier because I had an explanation. Use your OCD -  read about this disorder. A good number of us now have phd's in the subject. just know that you aren't in any way alone. This forum is a godsend. Reddit has BPDlovedones. You are more of a survivor than you know. You just had the bad luck of attracting this kind of person into your life. We are here for you.

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« Reply #51 on: May 23, 2022, 10:16:48 PM »

Hi,
 I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want you to know that you're not alone in this. We've all, to some extent or another, gone through something similar to this. A discard is brutal and devastating for anyone to go through. Mine happened out of the blue on Valentine's Day and then I was isolated during the epidemic. I found out my ex met someone while I was still with her (with the aid of her mother no less) and moved in with this person less than two weeks after we'd broken up. I think I cried every day for months. I was even admitted to a psych facility due to this exacerbating my underlying depression. Anytime I tried to get answers out of her, both while in the relationship and afterwards,  she would emotionally shut down which made me frustrated and angry. She knew I had trauma in my life and yet she still did the things she did because, as she told me, "I needed to be selfish." Her discard seemed narcissistic and sociopathic, almost.

What needs to happen is that your heart (emotions) needs to catch up to your brain (logical thought). This can take a while. Like you, I was blocked everywhere. Understand that what you are going through is a natural response to being abandoned, perhaps more-so if one of your parents have a personality disorder. It really helps, in the beginning, to think of this like a drug addiction. The communication that you seek is the drug- in that it will excite a serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin response in your brain. This communication won't be enough, however, and will always leave you wanting more. Remember, you aren't dealing with a person who has the same response to emotions and empathy as you do. If you were to perform an MRI of this person's brain next to a "neurotypical" person, you'd be able to see substantial differences in their limbic system (emotional response region) activation. This is why they will never be able to give you the answers and closure you're looking for. There's no self reflection here without years of DBT therapy. And even that probably won't work for the majority of cases. It's maddening and is made worse that while you are left devastated, they will just jump into another relationship without a second thought, seemingly off into the sunset.

The worst of part of this is coming to terms with the fact that this relationship is over. While there were moments when this person probably loved you, their definition of "love" is vastly different than yours. They needed you for validation, thus their "love" is really attachment. That's why they can throw you away so easily. If they loved you, they would've never said or done the things they did to you.

 You are going to have to wean yourself off of this person. Don't take anything they say to you seriously. One, it's mostly likely gaslighting and lies, and two, what they say to you during the discard is them talking to themselves. My father, for example, is a narcissist which is one of the reasons I was vulnerable to this type of relationship to begin with. He once told me, "I will always see you as a handicapped child", because of my depression. I now realize he was talking about himself. But it was easy to internalize that. BPD folks say horrible things because deep down they are sad and scared. Most of us grow out of that when we're young, but they haven't.

Do not check their socials. This will always lead to pain. It's really hard not to but it will set you back miles in your healing. The best thing I did was to go "no contact". No contact works because it sets the stage for healing with you and establishes a boundary with them. Remember, BPD is about control. Control is all they have to make sense of the world around them. By establishing no contact - phone #, email, socials, ect. - you are taking control away from them. It also keeps you going back for another hit - another "maybe if I talk to them this will work" or "maybe we can rekindle this with time". That doesn't exist. The connection you seek is something they can't give -  they're just not capable of it.

As you get over this and begin to heal, you will see that this is actually a blessing in disguise. I know it didn't seem like that at time my ex broke up with me. I was left sobbing at work, on the train, by myself. I felt like my life had stopped. But imagine what damage will be caused by someone who is only attached to you for their own needs. Life is full of hardship regardless of who you are. Do you want to be with someone who leaves you at the drop of a hat? Who lies and makes things up? That doesn't have your best interest in mind? Do you want to be treated like a co- dependent doormat, constantly walking on eggshells all of time, trying to not set this person off? What if you were married to this person? Do you think they would take their marriage vows seriously? Children? What would it be like for a child to grow up with a mother or father that treats them the same way you are being treated - or- worse because your partner, like a 2-year old,  no longer feels like they are the center of things? That's yet another generation of children dealing with mental illness because a parent isn't in any way, shape or form prepared to deal with themselves, no less children.  

 What helped me was knowing that this behavior had a face. Knowing it was BPD made it easier because I had an explanation. Use your OCD -  read about this disorder. A good number of us now have phd's in the subject. just know that you aren't in any way alone. This forum is a godsend. Reddit has BPDlovedones. You are more of a survivor than you know. You just had the bad luck of attracting this kind of person into your life. We are here for you.



Hi friend, I sure hope this helped idk123.

This is one of the most helpful, thorough, and insightful posts I have read. I know this helped me greatly, and I will be re-reading this post. Not that it's about me - this is idk123's thread after all - but I just want to say thank you for this gem of a post.

My ex and what she did to me mirror yours very closely - even her mom helping to find the replacement. It sounds like you are doing so well now, I am so happy to hear that. How did you get there? How long has it been NC for you?

I agree, this site and these forums and all like them are a Godsend. We are not alone. Hang in there my friend.

idk123, I hope you are doing well tonight and I am thinking about and praying for and with you all!
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« Reply #52 on: May 24, 2022, 02:49:19 PM »

Hi friend, I sure hope this helped idk123.

This is one of the most helpful, thorough, and insightful posts I have read. I know this helped me greatly, and I will be re-reading this post. Not that it's about me - this is idk123's thread after all - but I just want to say thank you for this gem of a post.

My ex and what she did to me mirror yours very closely - even her mom helping to find the replacement. It sounds like you are doing so well now, I am so happy to hear that. How did you get there? How long has it been NC for you?

I agree, this site and these forums and all like them are a Godsend. We are not alone. Hang in there my friend.

idk123, I hope you are doing well tonight and I am thinking about and praying for and with you all!

WhatToDo47 - thanks for you kind words and I'm happy that what I posted made an impact. I went full NC in January of this year. It's been just over two years since discard. I got here with a ton a therapy, to be honest. I have good days and bad days. I'm a particular case because I have underlying depression which made me isolate from the world after this happened. I dated a few people but nothing major for over two years. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to face and I was a NYC paramedic for over a decade, having responded to a number of intense international disaster zones. Perhaps because it was so personal. Hit me up anytime. I hope you are doing well on your journey.
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« Reply #53 on: May 24, 2022, 11:40:26 PM »

Indeed, a helpful post SBBayArea, thanks. I was not aware of the reddit group. It is interesting to read. A good cross section of stories of those in the detatching category. No ‘bettering’ triage there.

Idk123, I am almost seven weeks out from a discard. A sudden amputation with silent treatment, police involvement, the whole bit. I have been suffering hugely to be honest, but in recent days I feel a change in me. Like you, I tried really hard to make it work. It just wore me down, hurt me, and made me lose my identity. I willingly went from partner to caretaker to slave.

I used to go absolutely mental with worry and anxiety a couple of years ago. Now after all the abuse, violence and destruction, I am slowly realising that I need to let go. Perhaps it may take you longer to resolve this heartache? It took me 14 years. I am today at the point where I will not allow this to go on. Distance has given me some clarity it seems. I am perhaps not the squid she said I was. I am almost believing it does get better. Just be gentle on yourself and give yourself some time.
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« Reply #54 on: May 25, 2022, 12:11:36 AM »

Indeed, a helpful post SBBayArea, thanks. I was not aware of the reddit group. It is interesting to read. A good cross section of stories of those in the detatching category. No ‘bettering’ triage there.

Idk123, I am almost seven weeks out from a discard. A sudden amputation with silent treatment, police involvement, the whole bit. I have been suffering hugely to be honest, but in recent days I feel a change in me. Like you, I tried really hard to make it work. It just wore me down, hurt me, and made me lose my identity. I willingly went from partner to caretaker to slave.

I used to go absolutely mental with worry and anxiety a couple of years ago. Now after all the abuse, violence and destruction, I am slowly realising that I need to let go. Perhaps it may take you longer to resolve this heartache? It took me 14 years. I am today at the point where I will not allow this to go on. Distance has given me some clarity it seems. I am perhaps not the squid she said I was. I am almost believing it does get better. Just be gentle on yourself and give yourself some time.


It does get better indeed, but only with time, patience, and dedication to making things better. I will reiterate your very words to you...Be Gentle on yourself. I highly doubt you are a squid ;-). Just remember my friend...no one dictates your value but YOU. Keep your head and keep moving forward to being a better version of YOU.

Cheers and best wishes!

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« Reply #55 on: May 25, 2022, 10:15:11 PM »

Such encouraging and helpful replies. Thank you!

idk123, you can do it!

"I willingly went from partner to caretaker to slave."

Wow that sums up a BPD relationship so well. I heard from my BPD ex yesterday and I'll post about it, but sometimes it just takes getting betrayed by them over and over and over again to break the spell.

I'll have to check out the Reddit group as well.

It's interesting SBBayarea that you mention that you were a paramedic. I am a pharmacist and I think that played into why it was so difficult for me to let her go as well. All day every day I see and study medicine making people better. I had no idea that things like BPD exist that medicine simply can't cure. So sad but also so incredibly dangerous to them and everyone who cares about them.
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« Reply #56 on: May 27, 2022, 05:55:42 AM »

I'm not doing well at all. I'm happy that other people are getting something from my post though, that is at least a positive.

I can't seem to stop myself from reaching out and it's sabotaging any chance he will ever speak to me again.

I went through a series of horrible traumas right before we became friends  (I never even got a real relationship with him) and this has honestly scarred me so badly, I don't think therapy would even help (not that I am able to do therapy because of an unrelated issue with my stupid OCD). I don't know what to do. Literally NOTHING makes me feel happy anymore and the only thing keeping me going is the hope hell speak to me again.
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« Reply #57 on: May 27, 2022, 08:57:10 AM »

Hi idk123. I can feel the desperation in your words. I’m sorry life is such a struggle.

I was thinking before… wondering how you might view your current situation if you were not a participant in this? Say, if it were a documentary you were watching. What would you be thinking? Who would you be feeling sorry for? Who would you empathise with?

I say this because from my outside perspective, it seems to me that you are the one towards whom the care, love and compassion needs to be directed. It is not good. You are suffering and you are pouring all your love into a person who is perhaps not capable of returning it. Is it even appreciated? I am not judging you; this applies to me very much so too.

Feeling unloved is awful. I would love to be loved! The problem is that the people we love are not there for us. As hard as it seems, we need to care for ourselves now. We need to nurse our own wounds. Perhaps when we have healed a little, someone new will cross our paths. Someone who understands and who actually cares.

I really hope you get some better days. You deserve it.
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« Reply #58 on: May 29, 2022, 03:04:40 AM »

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. At this point in my life with the chronic issues I have, I've opted to apply for a new medically assisted suicide program  that mentally ill people now qualify for in my country. (Fortunately one of my old psychiatrists was part of an advocacy group that campaigned to have mentally ill people added to the program)

I'm content with my decision and feel weirdly better. I have the paperwork ready and am meeting with my doctor next month. It will likely take a while to be approved (which sucks because winter is really difficult mentally and physically with all the OCD rituals I do and I don't want to face another one).

If I do get approved, I'm conflicted on if I should bother telling him. I don't want him thinking it was anything to do with him, he actually made my life briefly better and I'm thankful for that now.
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« Reply #59 on: May 29, 2022, 04:26:35 AM »

Hello idk123. I am sorry to hear of your ongoing sadness. I have sent you a message…
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« Reply #60 on: June 01, 2022, 10:06:44 PM »

Hi idk123,

I am so sorry to hear that. Ultimately, it's your life, but I really encourage you to not give up. You are worth and deserve soo much more than to die because of that idiot.

Is there any way to try an inpatient stay or something similar first, or even to move to a different area or country?

You and your life are so precious to each and every one of us and it would make me so sad to lose you in this world. You are a precious and special soul. I don't mean to judge you, I know you are in so much pain, but life and will get better if you keep going.

2020, thank you for your helpful posts, too.
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« Reply #61 on: July 03, 2022, 11:04:44 AM »

I can't do an inpatient stay due to trauma and the severity of my contamination phobia. There are more factors than just him to this decision, my OCD is really bad. My old psychiatrist is part of an advocacy group that helped get a bill passed to include mentally ill people in the euthanasia program (Bill C-7, I'm in Canada) and she's being very helpful with navigating me through the hoops and also talking to my mother.

I am feeling very sad lately though. My one friend went behind my back and informed him of what was going on. He doesn't care at all. I'm torn between feeling relieved that he won't be affected, and also hurt that I truly meant absolutely nothing to him.
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« Reply #62 on: July 06, 2022, 10:25:47 PM »

I can't do an inpatient stay due to trauma and the severity of my contamination phobia. There are more factors than just him to this decision, my OCD is really bad. My old psychiatrist is part of an advocacy group that helped get a bill passed to include mentally ill people in the euthanasia program (Bill C-7, I'm in Canada) and she's being very helpful with navigating me through the hoops and also talking to my mother.

I am feeling very sad lately though. My one friend went behind my back and informed him of what was going on. He doesn't care at all. I'm torn between feeling relieved that he won't be affected, and also hurt that I truly meant absolutely nothing to him.

I am glad you are taking the time to consider your options. Please know that we all love you and care about you, we know there are brighter days ahead if you just keep on going. What makes you happy? Are there any moments of the day where you feel joy, however small? I really hope you don't give up because I know that better times are ahead. I think so many of us have wanted to give up but we are so glad that we didn't, for our own sake but also for the sake of those who love and care about us. You sound like such a kind soul, even though you are so distressed, you have remained a good person. You have so much to offer to the world and so much light and love to share. Please remember all of this and I hope that we here can help in some way.
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« Reply #63 on: July 06, 2022, 10:29:53 PM »

I wish I could help more but I’m not a trained therapist, just a friend who cares. Please keep posting here and seek out the advice of professionals and those who love you! We all care so much about you and don’t want to lose such a special person who is irreplaceable and truly precious in this world.

Also I’m wondering have you tried any medications for your OCD. There are some very effective and safe treatments out there now.
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« Reply #64 on: July 06, 2022, 10:47:25 PM »


I am feeling very sad lately though. My one friend went behind my back and informed him of what was going on. He doesn't care at all. I'm torn between feeling relieved that he won't be affected, and also hurt that I truly meant absolutely nothing to him.

What was the motivation? Do you feel that was betrayal on your friend's part, reaching out to the person who's causing you pain?  That all doesn't sound helpful in the least.

Is your mother supporting you, or anyone else in your life?
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« Reply #65 on: July 06, 2022, 11:45:55 PM »

It was my birthday and I think his motivation was to try and get him to talk to me because he thinks that would make me happier and I'd change my mind (I've been discarded for almost a year now and every attempt I made to talk to this pwBPD has been completely shutdown beyond two phone calls). I've explained to him before that its more complex than that and has more to do with my OCD and being a financial burden on my mother than any relationship stuff. He's a bit naïve, but he had good intentions, he just really misjudged BPD and also overestimated his own reasoning abilities.

I sent a message to the pwBPD explaining that I have signed up for the MAID program, but that it wasn't due to him and that I was sorry he had heard about it in such a way, and so early on in a process that I may not even wind up approved for anyways. He never responded to me, and his response to my friend was essentially, "So what?"
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« Reply #66 on: July 06, 2022, 11:56:52 PM »

I don't feel moments of joy anymore really. I think the last time I felt happy was over a year ago with him. My contamination OCD was triggered by a sexual assault, and then made worse by my boyfriend of five years ghosting out of our relationship and abandoning me and all his belongings in our shared apartment (his family bought him all new stuff and a new place and he just disappeared). The brief time with this pwBPD was actually the only time since all of that happened that I actually felt happy again, part of me wishes I could thank him for that, despite everything, those moments meant everything to me.
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« Reply #67 on: July 07, 2022, 12:24:01 AM »

The brief time with this pwBPD was actually the only time since all of that happened that I actually felt happy again, part of me wishes I could thank him for that, despite everything, those moments meant everything to me.

If those moments meant everything to you, then the response of "so what" is a major rug pulled from under you, not to mention very cruel.

I think that most people think of OCD as repetitive actions (I have some, and have been kind of shamed for them). But OCD can be much more than that, like uncontrollable internal ruminations, yes?
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« Reply #68 on: July 07, 2022, 01:22:29 AM »

I think I'd rather him have a, "So what" response than any feelings of guilt or responsibility. He made me happy, but he couldn't "fix" me or anything. I'd still be like this regardless of him being in my life.

Yeah, OCD can manifest in a myriad of ways. Rumination is a big part of it. I specifically have a contamination phobia where I feel dirty and preform rituals to make myself feel "clean" using bleach.
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« Reply #69 on: July 07, 2022, 02:55:01 PM »

Hey IDK...I know things are not the greatest. However, you still have a place in this world and you matter. Do not discount your value. I take things of this nature quite seriously. I just had a friend over the July 4th weekend hang himself in his garage. Only 40 years old and left behind 2 little ones and his woman. That is a gut punch. He was actually closer to my brother. Funny part is, he was more like my brother's little brother than I. But I digress...

The part that sucks is that I know he had his demons, but I truly do not believe he grasped the ultimate absolution of his decision. The finality of it. There is no way he was in his right mind because he never would have left his kids. I think he got to drinking and there must have been problems between him and his woman and he made an impulsive, foolish and selfish decision. He lives down the street from me and now we will never get to wave to each other again, honk each other again, etc. We may not have been close, but we played softball together, went to high school together and at least shared time together and it is the little things we take for granted that matter. I am great at managing my emotions, but I have to admit that hey I don't like the feeling of knowing he is gone and no longer around. It sucks something fierce.

There has to be some friends or family you can be around. You should not be alone right now. Things may feel rough right now, but it is temporary. You can get through this and you deserve to experience joy again in life. You still have good times ahead in life...do not doubt that even if you can't see it or even if you think its impossible. So please I ask you to truly be kind to YOU and take care of yourself. Do not give up. Life is too valuable to give up and its the greatest gift there is and you only get one. Do not discount your contributions to the world and the impact you have had on others. You have plenty of people who would be crushed with your loss. Perhaps you have to live for them before you can learn to love yourself and live for YOU, but the point will be you will still be here and get to experience that turnaround.

Please stick with us, vent as much as you need to. We are fam here and we do care. Keep your head up ok.

Cheers and best wishes!

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« Reply #70 on: July 07, 2022, 04:29:56 PM »

hey, I see you're back on the boards -- good to see you.

I'm wondering if you're up for telling me a little more about this:

Excerpt
Yeah, OCD can manifest in a myriad of ways. Rumination is a big part of it. I specifically have a contamination phobia where I feel dirty and preform rituals to make myself feel "clean" using bleach.

I'm curious if the rituals involve only things touching you/you touching things? Or also seeing things, hearing things, smelling things? You can answer if you want, or not, no worries.

I dealt with (and occasionally still do) OCD type behaviors that showed up related to seeing/hearing things that weren't balanced, feeling textures that were wrong and needing to feel a different texture to "cancel" it, and balance/proprioception (feeling like I had turned too many times to one side), and I had to balance things back out. So I haven't had experiences with contamination type OCD.
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« Reply #71 on: July 07, 2022, 09:49:53 PM »

"There has to be some friends or family you can be around. You should not be alone right now"

I am unable to be around other people unless I do a bunch of intensive, expensive, and time consuming rituals. I absolutely can't be around certain people, specifically my family. I was kicked out of my house by my father and raped two weeks later by a friend of my boyfriend. I have spent every holiday, birthday, etc, alone for the past four years. The only people I felt okay touching was this guy with BPD, and my one friend. I am on disability for my OCD and the amount of money we get is below the poverty line. I can't afford even half the rent for the apartment I live in, but I can't leave because of how severe my contamination phobia is, so my mother (who can't afford it and has had to come out of retirement to work part-time with a bad knee) pays for the other half.

I am really sorry to hear about your friend, but I've thought along time about this and my old psychiatrist (who is an OCD specialist) is on board. Thank you for your concern and optimism though. I hope this thread isn't triggering
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« Reply #72 on: July 07, 2022, 09:57:31 PM »

hey, I see you're back on the boards -- good to see you.

I'm wondering if you're up for telling me a little more about this:

I'm curious if the rituals involve only things touching you/you touching things? Or also seeing things, hearing things, smelling things? You can answer if you want, or not, no worries.

I dealt with (and occasionally still do) OCD type behaviors that showed up related to seeing/hearing things that weren't balanced, feeling textures that were wrong and needing to feel a different texture to "cancel" it, and balance/proprioception (feeling like I had turned too many times to one side), and I had to balance things back out. So I haven't had experiences with contamination type OCD.


I always had OCD, mine was more thought based and revolved around my house and having things stay the same as they were, also I could not sleep away from my own bed and had rituals to deal with really bad insomnia. Mostly people didn't know I had OCD. Unfortunately my dad has his own OCD and anger issues and he kicked me out of the house right after I started seeing an OCD specialist, had started university, and was in the process of slowly moving into an apartment in another city with my boyfriend of 4 years (I had to move in gradually to accommodate my OCD).

Being kicked out was like forced exposure to everything that triggered my OCD at that point. All my rituals were gone, I had to sink or swim and I sank. Two weeks after this incident, I was locked out of my apartment while my boyfriend was out of town, and a friend of his told me I could charge my phone at his house and when I got there he raped me.

Afterwards I got on a train and went to where my boyfriend was and he wouldn't let me shower because he wanted me to have a kit done. I felt very dirty, and I have essentially felt dirty ever since. My boyfriend wound up leaving me because of the OCD by ghosting out of our relationship and just abandoning all his stuff in the apartment with me (his family had money and just bought him all new stuff). The OCD spiraled and completely took over my life and is now treatment resistant. Sorry for the long depressing story, but its sort of hard to summarize
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« Reply #73 on: July 07, 2022, 10:36:47 PM »

idk, don't apologize for the long story! We ALL care about and cherish you. You sound like a truly kind and wonderful person, even here you are taking care to make sure your posts don't trigger others. What else is on your mind? We are here to listen and care deeply about you.

Have you sought the input of other psychiatrists or considered a change of scenery?

I also get into moods where I don't want to be around anyone, I have to force myself to, but I'm always glad that I did. I know it's not that simple, but I just want to say that I can relate. I also have OCD rituals. It sucks, not going to sugar coat it. I know the intense anxiety that can result if you don't perform them. I just want you to know that you're not alone. I have wanted to give up, too, I think so many of us here have.

If you can't be around anyone else physically, I hope that you continue to post here, this is a place free of judgment, what is on your mind?
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« Reply #74 on: July 07, 2022, 11:18:50 PM »

It's not a mood of not wanting to be around people. I miss people constantly. I miss my mother and my nieces and nephews and even just being able to touch my own hair and face without having to wash my hands 15x in a row with bleach, but I'm just too far gone with the OCD. I literally am unable to go into other peoples houses or apartments or take public transit. 95% of my day is just preforming OCD rituals in order to be able to eat and sleep. I'm typing this with bags on my hands because I'm afraid to touch the keyboard.

I had a slight reprieve with the OCD when he was around, but I think it was more just easier to challenge it because I had someone I wanted to challenge it in order to be around. I never really told him how sick I was, though it is pretty obvious that there is something wrong with me from the get go ahaha.

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« Reply #75 on: July 08, 2022, 12:22:23 AM »

"There has to be some friends or family you can be around. You should not be alone right now"

I am unable to be around other people unless I do a bunch of intensive, expensive, and time consuming rituals. I absolutely can't be around certain people, specifically my family. I was kicked out of my house by my father and raped two weeks later by a friend of my boyfriend. I have spent every holiday, birthday, etc, alone for the past four years. The only people I felt okay touching was this guy with BPD, and my one friend. I am on disability for my OCD and the amount of money we get is below the poverty line. I can't afford even half the rent for the apartment I live in, but I can't leave because of how severe my contamination phobia is, so my mother (who can't afford it and has had to come out of retirement to work part-time with a bad knee) pays for the other half.

I am really sorry to hear about your friend, but I've thought along time about this and my old psychiatrist (who is an OCD specialist) is on board. Thank you for your concern and optimism though. I hope this thread isn't triggering


Hey IDK I appreciate your empathy. I am not triggered at all. Education and training have helped with that. Not much phases me once I work through my emotions and you realize hey S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) happens in life. And to be real with you...hell yes I am optimistic because I absolutely and unequivocally refuse to back down or give into negativity or let the bad forces win. F Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) that! It is just not coded into my DNA.

I have to call BS on anyone being on board with you ending your life.The unfortunate reality is you have been dealt a S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) hand indeed. You actually care about people. You have good energy, empathy. The world needs more of that. Yes you have difficulties and issues to deal with...who doesn't? Everyone has flaws to combat everyday. I sincerely want to see you WIN and not give in. You have the devil sitting on your shoulder whispering into your ear...tell him to F Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) right off. This world still needs you.

I can only imagine how hard all of this must feel for you. OCD is not a joke and many people make light of it. I don't because I have my own obsessive compulsive tendencies and it does make me a pain in the Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)$$ to deal with at times because I teeter on the side of being a perfectionist which is not good. I could give you many examples of different things I had to overcome pertaining to OCD, but I won't because I respect your feelings and I would never compare myself with you.

What I want to offer up...there has to be a way to maneuver around this monster and rein it in and make it work for you. It may sound crazy and perhaps you will chuckle here, but think of the TV show Monk.

To that extent my best friend is actually quite similar to me and has his own struggles that border on OCD and being a perfectionist. What makes it fun for him and I is that we don't take things too seriously and we rip on each other and make light of our oddities. He has a thing with feet where he can't stand people wearing flip flops. He could see the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen in his life and heaven forbid if she is wearing flip flops or if he sees feet and toes then all of a sudden he isn't a fan of this amazing woman. You could be the smartest and coolest person ever and give him a million dollars, but if he saw you with flip flops the only thing he remembers is you wearing flip flops and seeing toes. I am not kidding. I was just with this dude and this goofy clown has to save his shoes and cover them up in his jersey and he walked in his socks out in the parking lot to the car all because it was crappy weather and raining. He would have rather cut his feet up then gotten any water or a scuff on his shoes. Now granted they were a $400 pair of shoes...a Dragon Ball Z collector's edition show...the Power Level 9000 Vegeta Edition (yes I am kinda talking in my friend's voice because he never shuts up about them...Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). They just so happened to be matching colors of the Milwaukee Brewers Baseball team which is the team we went to watch.

He can't eat a cheeseburger unless it is only meat, cheese, and bun because if there is ketchup or mustard oh good lord he'll have a conniption. The best part is...he has fun with it. We have fun with it. There isn't a day that goes by where we are not giving each other S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post). Why? Because we realize we are a couple of weird, unique dudes. For reference this is not a young man I am talking about...he is a 43 year old father of 3 boys. He is a trip. Love the man to death, he is my brother and road dog for life. We are like the Bad Boyz...we ride together, we die together, Bad Boyz for life...quote from the Will Smith and Martin Lawrence movie.

Anyway, there has to be a way to raise some support for you. Someone needs to set you up a go fund me page. Hell I would personally make incremental donations myself because instead of ending your life because some monster has a grip on you, you need people to give a S Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and I do and I know this board, this Family does. You need funding to get the help you deserve and need so you can enjoy life. I understand the bad things that have happened, but don't give up. You at least have this family here. You gotta fight. You gotta develop that what my best friend and I call it in you...the F Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) it mentality. When it seems like the walls are closing in and the anxiety hits you and its driving you insane you have to center yourself and force out the F Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) it! moment and just do it and realize you will survive and you will be ok. Not saying it will work for you, but it is at least an idea. Everybody has to find their own thing.

We need (referencing the world at large) to learn to rally around people such as yourself as a whole. You are different and you may need some extra tlc (who the hell couldn't benefit from some extra tlc?), but you are still a part of the collective and you matter. Instead of knocking down the less fortunate we need to be stronger and better and help those people up. The global mind set needs to be changed to in-clusion instead of ex-clusion

Again...stick with us and keep posting.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC- 
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« Reply #76 on: July 09, 2022, 03:29:41 AM »

hey, idk, so sorry to hear of the situation you find yourself in! It is too sweet of you to worry about triggering people, but you know, your subject heading is great and adequately warns off sensitive souls.

 I thought I should share with you what kept me alive when I was suicidal. First was rage. I felt that the people who had abused me to the point of suicidal ideation were trying to kill me as surely as if they had stabbed a knife in my back. And I said "F--k you, I am going to live just to spite you". That set me thinking about what would be the best revenge, and I decided it would be to live a great life, regardless. So that helped me focus on self-care.

Second was curiosity. I thought "what if it gets better?" And so I decided to stick around just to see what would happen. I am so glad I did   Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post) Way to go! (click to insert in post)  Still far from a perfect life, but there have been so many days I woke up, the sun was shining, birds singing and little children and kittens and butterflies just hanging around being cute. And I would say "Thank Godde for letting me see this day".

Especially when I get a chance to help somebody else along the way. Take care idk. You are going to be OK.

  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #77 on: July 10, 2022, 04:26:43 AM »

I'm sorry to the people who are encouraging me to wait and not seek the euthanasia, but I really am on a level of mental illness that most people don't get to. I've been stuck with this treatment resistant OCD for four years now and it is just unfortunately not getting better. It's beyond the situation with just this pwBPD. But I do appreciate the support around my feelings for him. I miss him terribly. I see videos of him out rollerskating and with all his friends and I'm so horribly lonely. I miss him so much, he was one of the very few people who didn't trigger my OCD and I felt comfortable touching. I would do anything for him to just speak to me, but no matter how many times I've reached out, he refuses to be friends again, and now he knows about the MAID thing, and he will definitely never talk to me now. I just want so badly to hear from him, and I hear from all thse people about how they charm, but he never does, and he never love bombed me. I wasn't good enough, I was never good enough
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« Reply #78 on: July 10, 2022, 10:54:50 AM »

hey idk, no need to be sorry, it is your right to do as you wish. Take from these boards what you need and leave the rest. How can we support you with what you are going through?

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #79 on: July 10, 2022, 07:25:20 PM »

I agree with all the above. idk, I don't know if this will help but I hope it does. How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you? I NEVER thought my ex would, and she did. By that time, I had healed enough not to want her in my life anymore, but sometimes the hope that maybe one day we would work it out helped me so much when I was feeling down and even suicidal. What if he just needs some time and when he circles back to you you aren't there? That would be a horrible tragedy.

Also, you mention above how you are typing on here with bags on your hands. THAT takes COURAGE and STRENGTH. You are inspiring and courageous, we all love you and believe in you, and I hope that you know that.
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« Reply #80 on: July 10, 2022, 07:25:55 PM »

What is new? What is on your mind? We all want to hear and care.
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« Reply #81 on: July 12, 2022, 11:36:22 PM »

"How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you"

He never really charmed me in the first place. He never love bombed me, none of the usual stuff. We just got to know each other slowly and it seemed like we both grew to care for each other, but I guess I was just insane. Also, he doesn't seem to "charm" people, once they're gone, they're just gone. I think he would have come back if I had just been patient and not needy, but I miss him so much, and a bunch of other factors in my life have made me so horribly depressed and lonely, that his friendship meant so much to me. I thought we'd be friends again by the fall, but I kept trying to contact him every few weeks and that pushed him away worse. Then I thought we'd be friends again by Christmas, but I sent him a card and he ignored it. Now it's been almost a year since the discard and he's so active (based on what I've seen on his social media through third party apps, because he has me blocked everywhere) with his friends (traveling, camping, swimming, rollerskating). I keep reaching out every month and it's clearly just pushing him away, but I'm so bored/scared/lonely/traumatized by what he did, combined with recent things that happened to me that I can't stop myself from trying. He doesn't hate me, even, he's just completely indifferent and I feel so terrible. I have no joy doing literally anything and this entire year my OCD has gotten worse after it got so much better when he was around. I don't know what to do any more. I genuinely can't do therapy and I have no friends or support. I needed his friendship and I tried so hard to hide how important he was to me because I didn't want to scare him, but I feel like I'm dying and it's been a year and he's never coming back
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« Reply #82 on: July 13, 2022, 10:27:50 PM »

"How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you"

He never really charmed me in the first place. He never love bombed me, none of the usual stuff. We just got to know each other slowly and it seemed like we both grew to care for each other, but I guess I was just insane. Also, he doesn't seem to "charm" people, once they're gone, they're just gone. I think he would have come back if I had just been patient and not needy, but I miss him so much, and a bunch of other factors in my life have made me so horribly depressed and lonely, that his friendship meant so much to me. I thought we'd be friends again by the fall, but I kept trying to contact him every few weeks and that pushed him away worse. Then I thought we'd be friends again by Christmas, but I sent him a card and he ignored it. Now it's been almost a year since the discard and he's so active (based on what I've seen on his social media through third party apps, because he has me blocked everywhere) with his friends (traveling, camping, swimming, rollerskating). I keep reaching out every month and it's clearly just pushing him away, but I'm so bored/scared/lonely/traumatized by what he did, combined with recent things that happened to me that I can't stop myself from trying. He doesn't hate me, even, he's just completely indifferent and I feel so terrible. I have no joy doing literally anything and this entire year my OCD has gotten worse after it got so much better when he was around. I don't know what to do any more. I genuinely can't do therapy and I have no friends or support. I needed his friendship and I tried so hard to hide how important he was to me because I didn't want to scare him, but I feel like I'm dying and it's been a year and he's never coming back

That must be so hard for you and feel so lonely and helpless. It's okay to feel those things and thank you for being honest with us and most importantly with yourself. He sounds a lot like my ex in some ways.

I also thought she was thriving, based on social media, the grapevine, etc. She discarded me in such a cruel way and then blocked me like I never existed, despite 6 years together, 5 married, and planning to start having kids within weeks of when she left. I thought she would never circle back, she never did to any of her exes. But then she did. Out of the blue. I never ever expected it. Now, I see her for what she is and I don't want her even as a friend. I've read stories on here where their partner circled back decades later. You just never know. Sometimes, they have to hit rock bottom before they sober up and you could at least be friends. Maybe he is on his way towards that.

You are in such a dark spot that even the smallest glimmer of hope helps. The ruinations are very intense. I've been there, as have so many here. It does get better. Sometimes, it takes time. More time than you think it will or want it to, but it does get better.

If he does come around, do you want someone like that in your life? It's YOUR life and you get to choose how to live it. Everyone has that right. You are a wonderful person.

What else is new? How is your family doing?
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« Reply #83 on: July 14, 2022, 02:04:54 PM »

"How do you know he won't cycle back around and try to charm you"

He never really charmed me in the first place. He never love bombed me, none of the usual stuff. We just got to know each other slowly and it seemed like we both grew to care for each other, but I guess I was just insane. Also, he doesn't seem to "charm" people, once they're gone, they're just gone. I think he would have come back if I had just been patient and not needy, but I miss him so much, and a bunch of other factors in my life have made me so horribly depressed and lonely, that his friendship meant so much to me. I thought we'd be friends again by the fall, but I kept trying to contact him every few weeks and that pushed him away worse. Then I thought we'd be friends again by Christmas, but I sent him a card and he ignored it. Now it's been almost a year since the discard and he's so active (based on what I've seen on his social media through third party apps, because he has me blocked everywhere) with his friends (traveling, camping, swimming, rollerskating). I keep reaching out every month and it's clearly just pushing him away, but I'm so bored/scared/lonely/traumatized by what he did, combined with recent things that happened to me that I can't stop myself from trying. He doesn't hate me, even, he's just completely indifferent and I feel so terrible. I have no joy doing literally anything and this entire year my OCD has gotten worse after it got so much better when he was around. I don't know what to do any more. I genuinely can't do therapy and I have no friends or support. I needed his friendship and I tried so hard to hide how important he was to me because I didn't want to scare him, but I feel like I'm dying and it's been a year and he's never coming back

So IDK hold on a second here...don't say you have no friends or support. You do. You have support here, you have friends here. I say that because mentally you need to view it that way. If you allow yourself to think you have no friends or support then the walls will close in and you will dig yourself deeper into oblivion. The mind is a powerful thing so you have to be careful. Please stay engaged here and remember your world is what you make it. You do have the power and the control to make what kind of world you want. Sounds like mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is not. The law of attraction is a powerful force, but one people often don't understand, misinterpret, and don't take the time to master. You have to learn to project out what you want in return, but not let variance sway you. You have to stay the course through the ebbs and flows. In essence, your consistency is all that matters and that is what is in your control.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #84 on: July 14, 2022, 06:45:30 PM »

So IDK hold on a second here...don't say you have no friends or support. You do. You have support here, you have friends here. I say that because mentally you need to view it that way. If you allow yourself to think you have no friends or support then the walls will close in and you will dig yourself deeper into oblivion. The mind is a powerful thing so you have to be careful. Please stay engaged here and remember your world is what you make it. You do have the power and the control to make what kind of world you want. Sounds like mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is not. The law of attraction is a powerful force, but one people often don't understand, misinterpret, and don't take the time to master. You have to learn to project out what you want in return, but not let variance sway you. You have to stay the course through the ebbs and flows. In essence, your consistency is all that matters and that is what is in your control.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I second everything said here and especially that you do have friends - all of us, myself included! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #85 on: July 26, 2022, 02:36:06 AM »

Can't afford Wifi anymore. Thank you to everyone who communicated with me on here
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« Reply #86 on: July 26, 2022, 01:50:06 PM »

Can't afford Wifi anymore. Thank you to everyone who communicated with me on here

Sorry to hear that. I hope that you will log back on here somehow in the future and share good news with us. We are all rooting for you and know that you have brighter days ahead. We all love and care for you. Please keep us posted if you can somehow! Please don't give up. Miracles can happen.

And thank YOU for posting on here and communicating with us. It takes alot of courage to open up like you did.
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« Reply #87 on: July 26, 2022, 02:04:19 PM »

Dear idk-

I sadly understand money issues.  And I understand your fear around being near people.  However, there are so many areas that have WiFi hotspots these days, even outdoor parks, where maybe you can go and continue to communicate when you wish to do that?

It could be worth it.  Please don’t give up on yourself.

Warmly,
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« Reply #88 on: July 26, 2022, 10:14:57 PM »

Dear idk-

I sadly understand money issues.  And I understand your fear around being near people.  However, there are so many areas that have WiFi hotspots these days, even outdoor parks, where maybe you can go and continue to communicate when you wish to do that?

It could be worth it.  Please don’t give up on yourself.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Gemsforeyes, that is an excellent point. I second this.

idk, I would be happy to help you find wifi hotspots. Just let me know.
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« Reply #89 on: August 31, 2022, 01:45:28 AM »

I have Wifi again. Thank you to everyone's suggestions. Today I messed up and sent him a message on Twitter (Where he didn't have me blocked). I tried to hard and he blocked me. Then I panicked and sent him some stupid texts asking why he won't just speak to me and that I was sorry for whatever I did. I'm not coping well. Can someone just tell me, is there any hope? I can't stop myself from reaching out and it's been over a year. Is he ever going to speak to me again?
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« Reply #90 on: August 31, 2022, 10:33:05 PM »

I have Wifi again. Thank you to everyone's suggestions. Today I messed up and sent him a message on Twitter (Where he didn't have me blocked). I tried to hard and he blocked me. Then I panicked and sent him some stupid texts asking why he won't just speak to me and that I was sorry for whatever I did. I'm not coping well. Can someone just tell me, is there any hope? I can't stop myself from reaching out and it's been over a year. Is he ever going to speak to me again?

Hi idk, welcome back. We missed you! We all care about and support you and your healing.

To answer your question: Yes, there is hope! There always is. Especially if you keep posting here, seeing a therapist/mental health professional if you at all can. Things can and will get better! I can tell you personally that sometimes I didn't see hope, but now I do and I'm so glad I didn't give up. You have brighter days ahead, too. I know it!

I don't know if he will ever speak to you again. He certainly might. Just keep working on yourself, take it one day at a time, and one way or another things WILL get better. We are all rooting for you!

What else is new/on your mind? I don't check here so often anymore, but I will reply and I know many here will, and we are all here for you and rooting for you! Better times ARE ahead and there IS hope. 100% sure of that!
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« Reply #91 on: September 04, 2022, 03:44:16 AM »

I cannot see a therapist or psychiatist. I have very severe OCD that is treatment resistant. I am currently trying to get into a euthanasia program (MAID in Canada), but I have to wait until March 2023 to be approved.

I want hope that he will speak to me again. It is honestly the only thing I care about. I'm an artist and I just sold a painting for $2000 (money I really need), and I don't at all care. I think I am suffering from severe limerence. I just want to talk to him. I miss him so badly, and every time I reach out, he just ignores me completely. I feel like my time is running out and he's never going to talk to me again
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« Reply #92 on: September 04, 2022, 08:06:09 AM »

He can never be what you want or need.  His problems are too great.
Go on line and watch some of the videos about bpd.  They will help you understand how weak such people are and how they project that onto people close to them.  You are stronger than you think.
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« Reply #93 on: September 05, 2022, 09:18:46 PM »

I have watched and read an enormous amount on BPD. I knew what it was prior to meeting him, and had two friends with BPD. I understand the patterns and the flawed reasonings behind splits and discards, but it isn't helping. I can't move forward, I don't want to. This is the last in a string of horribly traumatic events and I can't get over it
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« Reply #94 on: September 05, 2022, 10:53:31 PM »

Hello idk123. I just wanted to let you know I am still reading here and following your story. Congratulations on selling some artwork. I am an artist/Illustrator myself and I know how hard it is to make any money at all if creativity is your calling. It is a bit of a curse in some ways. You sign yourself up for a life of poverty I reckon.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) It has been a very long time since I sold a picture. So well done.

I am sorry to hear you are being ignored still. These people can be very difficult to be involved with. I can only guess how hard it must be being them! There is little we can do to reason with them if they are cutting contact from us. But we can extend at least some of that concern and love and care, onto ourselves.I can tell you are a real, feeling, caring person. That is a very valuable thing in my eyes.

Keep making the art whilst you can. I have been using the activity to block out the misery of my surroundings since the 70’s. It is what keeps me alive. It has got me though some very hard times. And unlike some people, it will never let you down!

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« Reply #95 on: September 07, 2022, 09:30:11 PM »

I just really can't focus. I can't believe the amount of pain I'm in all the time. It's really bad. I would pay him to talkto me just so I don't have to feel like this anymore
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« Reply #96 on: September 10, 2022, 03:32:15 AM »

idk, hang on in there. It gets better. Look there, you have internet, you are communicating, we are here for you. Somewhere in your life there is hope.
I discovered in the aftermath of the break-up of my first long relationship that I had abandonment issues (abandoned by my parents as a baby). And that my then expwuBPD was triggering them every time. So healing for me has been to go deep into my abandonment triggers and deal with them, one by one. You say you have a friend who talks you through it, maybe do some deep diving into what has caused the OCD in the first place?You know it is not this man, you are looking to him to ease the pain - and I understand that temptation, kept on doing that for years. But ultimately, the solutions are within yourself. He is not your solution. You are worthy. You deserve love.
What can you do to love yourself today?
Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #97 on: September 11, 2022, 07:18:39 PM »

Hey idk123, just popping in to remind you how much we all care about you here and support your healing.

As said above: "What can you do to love yourself today?"

Thanks as always for opening up to all of us here. Congratulations on selling the artwork! There are many artists here (such as the member 2020 above). I so admire all of you artists and creatives!

Can you focus on your art? Truly impressive that you sold it for such an amazing sum. You are a great person and have so much going for you! Please don't give up, better times ARE ahead and there is ALWAYS hope!
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« Reply #98 on: September 11, 2022, 10:47:38 PM »

IDK, just letting you know I am also still paying attention and also reminding you that we all care about you. Please continue to vent. I am not going argue back, but rather just listen. You have to feel how you have to feel and you are free to express yourself as you see fit.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
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« Reply #99 on: September 13, 2022, 01:21:15 AM »

Would a therapist ever contact someone on a patients behalf? I just genuinely don't think I can get over this without some form of reconciliation
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« Reply #100 on: September 14, 2022, 10:26:52 PM »

Would a therapist ever contact someone on a patients behalf? I just genuinely don't think I can get over this without some form of reconciliation

This is a good question. I'm not sure the answer, but I know they would be able to help you figure out how to contact him and have the best chance for success. My therapist helped me "predict" how my ex would act, and he was right.

In the end, my ex tried many times to come back, but I had healed too much and moved on to ever subject myself to her abuse again.

But it all started with reaching out to the therapist and on here, and at first I had the same question as you: How do I get reconciliation and how do I get her talking to me again?

This is your journey, not mine, but there is hope, and reaching out to a therapist would be a great way to prepare yourself for how best to prepare for if/when he does reach out.

Curious if anyone else here has insight on the question.

Thanks for posting, idk! We're all rooting for you and care about you Smiling (click to insert in post) Please keep posting!
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« Reply #101 on: September 14, 2022, 10:27:10 PM »

IDK, just letting you know I am also still paying attention and also reminding you that we all care about you. Please continue to vent. I am not going argue back, but rather just listen. You have to feel how you have to feel and you are free to express yourself as you see fit.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

I second this, idk!
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