16 year old daughter's (first )boyfriend has BPD, we need help managing drama

[Mom 52 worried]

I'm not sure where to begin other than to bare my aching heart as I am a wreck with worry. My just turning 16 year old daughter began dating a 16.5 year old boy with BPD 4 very long months ago. It has been constant chaos, drama, anxiety, and worry ever since.
The relationship moved very quickly, he was loving, kind, attentive, and they had so much in common for the first 6 weeks, then he began almost daily flipping from all is well, happy and loving to mad at our daughter for no reason, upsetting her, hurting her feelings, being mean then her reassuring him constantly she wouldn't leave him or cheat. Then just as quickly he would be back to apologizing and loving her like nothing happened. As the weeks went on she was struggling to continue this cycle, she became a ball of anxiety, constantly glued to her phone if they weren't together so she wouldn't miss his text or call and anger him, she stopped talking to her friends as he took all her time, she began loosing weight. She finally told me a sliver of what was going on and I advised her to start pulling back from him, doing the things she loved again and seeing her girlfriends etc.,  he then began telling her he was abused at home and needed her help to get out of his house to live elsewhere tis drew her back in, he pressured her constantly for sex, made her hate his parents, and tried to get her to agree to get pregnant so he could live in our house.  He would then tell her he was an awful boyfriend and she should go find someone else that was better. She still stayed with him through all this. Eventually he ran away and tried to convince her to go too. She refused and we returned him home. This is when she confessed everything she had been holding in alone all summer never confiding in or telling a sole. Her friends had all told her to dump him so she stopped telling them things. His parents were so angry that he ran away they forbid contact between the two blaming his obsession with our daughter on her not his diagnosed disorder even though they swore they would seek in patient treatment for their son(they never did) and they stopped to speaking to us. We thought it was over finally. We nursed our traumatized daughter for 3 weeks after this incident. She became a shell of her once happy vibrant self, she's been through major trauma physically, mentally, sexually and we as a family began trying to recover as we learned the details she kept so secret. After 3 weeks of no contact he began stealing phones from family/friends and calling her/messaging on instagram.  We found out after a few days due to her odd behavior. He became very mean this time and is saying horrible/upsetting things to her that have scared her and us. We have contacted his parents who can't do anything to to stop him from using other peoples phones at school ( they took his away) and threaten him with jail if he doesn't stop.  What do we do to protect our daughter, make him move on from her, and help her heal? Any advice is appreciated. She does have a therapist, but thinks this boy loves her and his parents made him do these things. We are so distraught

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Cair_Paravel]

Hello,

I am glad you are posting here to get support as it sounds like there is a lot going on

I am working just now so I don’t have time to properly address your post in detail as I would like to

I just wanted to clarify one thing that comes across from your post

Please don’t let the boys possible diagnosis cloud this issue or try and understand it- this is an abusive and controlling relationship
I have worked with domestic violence victims for many years in my job and everything about this relationship ticks the boxes for coercive control. Due to his age, the boy may not understand or intend this, but the effects on your daughter are the same.

Would there be a domestic violence agency or charity who could guide you?
Here in the UK, coercive control is now a criminal offence (thank goodness) and I think some advise from experts in this issue could be really helpful

[guitarguy09]

Mom 52 worried,

Thank you for reaching out and I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through and your daughter and family. I agree with Cair_Paravel that this relationship has been abusive in multiple ways. One thing I would add is that if your daughter has feelings for this boy, this disorder is very serious and will not go away without intensive work on his part, and many BPD's don't recover from the disorder. Tell her that if this continues, things are not likely to get better but worse.

The positive in all this is that because she is still living under your roof, you can be rid of this boy easier so he doesn't stay in her life. It's so important to have that family support. My BPD wife has put my parents and family through h*ll and unfortunately I didn't know what was going on until after we were married. And I was in college when we met and too weak to break up with her.

[Sancho]

Hi Mom 52 worried
I can understand why you are so worried. I am sure you have tried everything - and you say your dd does have a therapist - but the difficulty of helping your dd to understand the nature of this illness is so complex.

You say dd thinks she is loved and that the boy's problems are due to his parents. This is classic BPD.

You will read many posts here from parents whose BPD child tells terrible stories about them to others. I am not sure why this is the case with BPD - whether it is to get the attention of others (and therefore avoid feelings of abandonment) or whether it is part of the borderline of psychosis - ie that they believe these things did in fact happen.

It really is an awful dilemma. The only thing I can think of is to somehow link your dd up with others who have boyfriends/girlfriends with BPD. There might be good posts here in that section of this site - or facebook or other online group? 

The reason I say this is to help dd to understand what BPD looks like might be helpful ie by reading/talking to other young people she might be able to recognise the chaos that she is drawn into is part of this insidious illness.

I suppose I am thinking instead of trying to convince her that this lad has serious issues, perhaps saying asking if you can help her find information on BPD and find out what it is like for other people dealing with it.

You probably have done this already.

I have to say that it was only when I started reading the posts here that I started to really understand BPD. I had read stuff before, but didn't really connect my experience with the theory - and of course if you are emotionally connected it is harder.

When I started to read what others were describing it was like a light bulb suddenly turned on!

Perhaps somehow there is a way for your dd to have the same experience as I did.

Let's know how things are for you when you have time.