Conflicted

[Sully05]

I believe that my “exgf” I’ll call her that because we haven’t spoken to each other for several weeks.

When I met my ex newly 5 years ago, things were great.  However, she did tell me about her drunken abusive father and her mum, she also told me about her drug abuse and poor behaviour, it’s also coke out that she had Bulemia.  I guess the red flags were always there for me.  I chose to look past them as she had been clean for 20 years and she seemed to be on top of everything.

Our first issue came after a day in London whereby she felt uncomfortable at an event at Buckingham Palace.  It was like having a child with me.  As part of our visit to London, we met up with her cousin (who she used to do drugs with), we went out for food and drinks, had a great time.  However, on the way back to the hotel, I noticed white powder on her nose and I asked in a joking way, “you been doing Coke ya cheeky bugger”. The response I got was an absolute load of extreme verbal abuse.  My response was that this isn’t for me! 

The abuse got even worse, I had no idea back then what I was dealing with.  I ended up apologising for making her feel bad, yet all I’d done was ask a simple question.  I didn’t know back then what I was dealing with and didn’t understand her abandonment issues.

There have been many issues like this where I have been verbally attacked for standing up for my beliefs and boundaries where I have walked away to keep us both safe.  These have ranged from her cousin asking her to do drugs again and her not saying no and me being accused of controlling when I set my boundary, her not sorting her arrangements out for my sons 18th Birthday the day we were allowed to go post Covid having not seen him for 6 months, her changing plans without a conversation.  Each time I speak up, I get verbally abused yet don’t even raise my voice. 

She has no real friends, her closest friend is her ex husband, he stayed for 15 years and ended up poorly.  They are still
friends and go back to her Bulemia and Drug days.

My ex has isolated herself as she can’t work with other people, she ditches clients who challenge her designs, she crashes regularly and is in constant back pain.  We had been living together for 18 months.  80% of the time it has been lovely, yet we weren’t sleeping in the same bed as she’d use her back as an excuse, or her lack of sleep.  She’s always had a bad back, she’s never slept, she has to tape towels to the wall to keep light out and wear headphones. Everything is an anxiety or issue, even family stuff.

After one of our splits, (6 in total) she told me I needed therapy, so thinking the issues were mine, I have been seeing a really great therapist for 2 years.  He’s helped me no end, otherwise, I have no idea how I’d be.  I couldn’t understand why I didn’t simply walk away after London as in the past, that would have been it for me, no going back.  I do understand why this happened and why I’ve stuck around.  After every separation, she accuses me of abandoning her.  It isn’t the case, I’ve had to walk away from verbal abuse twice, twice she’s told me to F Off and leave, she’s walked once and I ended the relationship earlier this year after she had given me 6 weeks of gaslighting, stonewalling, lies and other rubbish (after telling me that she loved me, wanted us to work and that she couldn’t imagine being with anyone else and wouldn’t want me being with anyone).  I had started calling her behaviour out.  It just got worse and worse.  This all happened at the same time her ex husband told her that he was moving in with his new GF and on the back of a row with us.  I had no idea what was going on.

Even through all of this, my ex is an amazing woman.  When I finally decided enough was enough it broke my heart because I didn’t know anything about BPD, it was only when I started to piece some of what she had told me about and something my therapist said about Bulemia and control I started to research BPD and NPD. 

I made the mistake of sending her info on BPD and highlighted some of the behaviours, I could really relate to everything I had read, she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything (however, she once blurted out in an argument that she had a mental illness) and I got told to stay away otherwise she’d call the police, she called my brother  to say I was harassing her, I wasn’t, I had just seen this and other BPD info and tried to let her know I get it now….Which I do….

I feel that if I knew then what I knew now, I would have dealt with all of this differently, I’m a human being and not a therapist.  I truly love this woman, I’m not trauma bonded or CO-dependant as I’ve always done my own stuff and continued with my life outside of our relationship.

As much as she’s told me to stay away, she’s said so many times that all she wants me to do is rescue her.  She has kept quite a bit of my stuff at hers and I feel so conflicted.  Some of this stuff are gifts from my son and family heirlooms.  If we can’t resolve, I would like some of this stuff back.

I do really understand her pain and would love to reach out to her somehow without her feeling harassed or pressured to re-connect as a relationship.  I’d love to be able to sit with her and show her this site and some of the information and to support her.  I don’t want to fix her either, I understand that’s her choice and I know I can’t be with her if she doesn’t want or commit to help as it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.

I understand that she has abandonment issues, so many anxieties, self-esteem and confidence issues.

How the heck do I reach out to her?  I’m worried that one day she’ll meet a person like her dad and she’ll end up in real trouble. 

It’s really conflicting, if I wrote down the things she has called me in her rages you’d all say run a mile.  However, having read up on BPD, I understand there’s more to this and I’m not hiding her.  It doesn’t make her behaviour right and also me making her feel abandoned.

Like I said, if I knew the truth and not just snippets, I can work with that and be better for both of us.

I’m reaching out to see what others have done in similar situations.  I do practice my own self care, work, gym, mindfulness etc.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Like so many others who have found this site, you hope she will have an epiphany once she understands that BPD is guiding her life choices.

Unfortunately the likelihood of that happening is…zero.

People with BPD feel so much shame and self loathing already, that being told by their partners about their *condition* seldom results in anything other than a very disagreeable outcome.

If you want to get your belongings, why not contact her about that? That way she’d know you’re not trying to restart the relationship and perhaps you can have a pleasant encounter which could provide an opportunity to keep the door open.

[Sully05]

Thanks for the response.  I wouldn’t bring my thoughts up with her, I can though manage how I’ve responded to her.  I look back at some of my own behaviour and if I knew then what I’ve done now, I could have handled things much better.

That doesn’t make her behaviour right.