Saying goodbye for mother's day : as a gift for myself

[Riv3rW0lf]

Inspired by other posters here, I finally gathered my courage and decided to break the silence with my BPD mother for mother's day. Not for her, but as a gift for myself. Here's what I wrote her, and both my brothers, so that they can understand what is really happening between her and I.

Hi,

For Mother's Day, I offer myself to break the silence. And I consider that (Brother 1 name) and (Brother 2 name) should read the truth too, so that they understand what is going on between us, my version of it anyway...

It's crazy how strong defense mechanisms are... When suffering and distress are so powerful... When, caught in the small body of a child, you find yourself incapable of fleeing, or fighting... When the only choice left is to get out of your own body and forget.

The therapy that I started recently hit me hard with a memory...a monster that I had buried very, very far inside of me...A monster that explains everything. A monster that I remember clearly now, visually, physically and rationally. A monster that I am choosing to face today.

(Mother Name). I remember what happened at (mother's past boyfriend's name)'s house. I remember him in my door frame and I remember him in my bed.

When I was 7, you put me in a pedophile's house and you didn't protect me. The rocky relationship you and I have today isn't my fault, it's yours. I needed you to protect me. Not only did you let me down, but you threw me to the wolf when I was just a little girl. And you never apologized.

Today, you ask me to treat you like the best of mothers, and I lied for you in November to avoid your anger. But the truth is that what I am today, the 'my career title' who owns her own company, the mother of a family and the wife in love with her husband, well, it was me, and me alone, who built myself from scratch, despite you.

Know also that your emotional outbursts, your excessive anger, your alcoholism, I could have forgiven, especially knowing your difficult past. I have a certain compassion for you... But this... This... This is something else.

You went through the same thing with your uncle, and yet you didn't protect me. Worst, if it hadn't been for you, I would never have even been in contact with this monster, this filthy old man.

And I know, in my body, in my heart, in everything that I am, that it happened. And it's impossible that you didn't know, so... I will no longer accept ANY blame from you for the "suffering I cause you". Never again.

And now, you will have to live with the burden of your past choices, just as I had to live and still live with the consequences they had.

If today you don't have the closeness you hoped for with your daughter and her children, well, you have only yourself to blame. I am done carrying your shame. Today, I choose myself.

Forgiveness takes time, and in some cases, especially when the other party refuses to take responsibility, well, it's downright impossible. If I am still trying today, it is for me.

Note that forgiveness, for me, is not about her, it's more about letting go of my past and making peace with it. For me, and not for her. And to do that: I needed her to know that I will not, never again, accept to be her scapegoat and that I now refuse to protect her from her own past choices.

(Brother 1) is the first that talked to me. He is the most protective of our mother. He told me he completely understands. He talked about killing the monster (of course, he is highly protective). We talked about his experience there, how there were drugs everywhere, how he was given LSD at 12 years old, which deeply traumatized him. And we got closer.

My mother answered :
I didn't know. Forgive me.

I laughed, because this is EXACTLY the kind of very short answer I was expecting.

'I didn't know' : Invalidation, not taking responsibility. It is downright impossible she didn't know. And assuming she really didn't know... well, this just goes to show how little she cared for us. In a way, it might be even worst.

A couple weeks back, this kind of answer would have made me doubt myself, but I went through prepared. In no way is it possible for anyone to make up the profound pain the memory I recollected generates in me. The scare, the inability to do anything more than watch what is happening from a distance, incapable of facing the monster yet. My father also confirmed he had his doubts. He cried when I told him and his complete lack of surprise was my confirmation. So before I told her : I had enough confidence in myself to resist any possible gaslighting.

'Forgive me' : The most narcissistic way to ask for forgiveness. Asking me to liberate her, when I clearly stated I couldn't. And I won't. I can't. Not now anyway, and this is not what I am working on. She will just have to forgive herself. I am working on making peace with my past and myself and disengaging from her. This is the best I can do under the current circumstances. Instead of putting effort into an answer, instead of recognizing my pain, my hurt, instead of saying she regrets, that she is sorry... she asks me, again, to forgive her, because she makes it, again, about her.

I left the group. And I will not be talking to her for a very, very long time. I will not be talking to her until I have found peace within myself with everything she put me through.

Thank you. To all of you. For your courage, for your support. For sharing your stories and for giving me the strength to do what is right for me, for my own healing, for my little Riverwolf.

I have never met any of you in real life, yet you have been a source of continued validation and care in my life. So thank you all very much for being on this forum and supporting each other.

 

[madeline7]

"Today I choose myself"
Powerful letter. Thank you for sharing this.

[beatricex]

hi Riv3rW0lf,
Thank you for trusting yourself and for trusting this group, you did an awesome and brave thing for you.

 
b

[zachira]

You have given yourself an awesome gift, while possibly giving people who are alive today and in the future an even greater gift: breaking the cycle of generations of abuse. We heard every word you said to your mother and feel your pain, even though she did not hear a word.

[Riv3rW0lf]

We heard every word you said to your mother and feel your pain, even though she did not hear a word.

This made me cry Zachira, a good cry though. Thank you so very much for your kindness and empathy.

And thank you madeline7, I put a lot of thoughts into it, but finally just wrote whatever came to mind and needed out.

beatricex, thank you for your reply and recognition.

[Notwendy]

Powerful and well said !

[Turkish]

That's brutal, honest and brave of you to write that, not to mention surviving. I wish I didn't know, but I have an inkling of what you went through with my own kids and the ex-laws with denial, invalidation, and blame shifting... 

[CryingGame]

I celebrate the YOU you have become and all that you have created in your life! I relate to much of what you've said. I'm so sorry you were treated this way. Happy Mother's Day 

[Riv3rW0lf]

That's brutal, honest and brave of you to write that, not to mention surviving. I wish I didn't know, but I have an inkling of what you went through with my own kids and the ex-laws with denial, invalidation, and blame shifting...  

I am so sorry Turkish. I am starting to realize now just how rampant and common kid abuse has become in our societies and I feel completely powerless. We think we know someone, until we don't. My father was in denial, he never thought my mother would let those kind of things happen to us, and yet she did.

I am aware now that there is a limit to how much a parent know and can protect their children from. My husband was traumatized in school by a crazy teacher too. For a year she relentlessly attacked him unfairly, isolated him from the class and put him in front of a mirror telling him he was angry at himself. His parents never knew.

It feels like we have a schizophrenic society of traumatized people that don't know they are traumatized and who keep on traumatizing children unconsciously. A neverending cycle of abuse. Hopefully, enough of us will try to break the cycle and things will change in the future.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I celebrate the YOU you have become and all that you have created in your life! I relate to much of what you've said. I'm so sorry you were treated this way. Happy Mother's Day 

Thank you CryingGame, I do believe the universe helped me, guided my steps toward a safer future. When one wants to survive and do things right, sometimes the universe helps. I feel grateful and know how lucky I somehow got.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Powerful and well said !

Thank you.

It was liberating.

[Goosey]

Peace to you

[lm1109]

This was so beautifully and powerfully written Riverwolf. It takes so much strength to confront our truth...and you did it. It really inspired me today. I hope this proves to be a pivotal and huge step in your healing journey! I'm wishing you so much comfort and peace!
 

[zachira]

What makes the biggest difference in whether victims of sexual abuse heal or not, is if they are believed. We believe you and support you.

[Riv3rW0lf]

What makes the biggest difference in whether victims of sexual abuse heal or not, is if they are believed. We believe you and support you.

This feels very true... My father validated my story and confirmed he had his doubts because of how I started acting... I suddenly couldn't sleep in my bed alone, I had night terrors, I kept dreaming of wolves, I was seeing a man in my room at night, had insomnia for weeks... but he couldn't bring himself to intervene and stayed in denial. He talked about his younger sister who was also molested... how she was confronted too soon by her father.. and How it affected her and destroyed her. With what he told me, I got that he knew and decided to ignore it, in the hope I would heal myself in time. I could hold on to my anger of him dropping me there again and again, but I decided to let go a long time ago. My father suffered enough and all in all : he was a good enough father.  

On the way back home from this conversation, I had my first real visual memory of the event... The distress was intense and I cried for nearly a whole hour.. But it's like... Hearing that it wasn't in my head, that he also knew, it gave me a bit more power to dive in further... And I know remembering is part of the healing process. I still can't act in this memory, but at least I know I am slowly healing.

Thank you for your support. Admitting it to myself was hard and admitting it to the world has been excruciating. But I know I need to do it to progress.

I say the world but really just my family, my therapist and my very best friend, and here because it is anonymous... I don't think I have to share it with anyone else now. So thats good.

[Methuen]

Riv3rW0lf, I sense that in your email to your mother, you have taken back your power.  You have turned and faced her, and spoken your truth.

This journey of yours takes a whole lot of strength and courage.  I wish you continued liberation and peace moving forward.

Happy Mother's Day!

[Mommydoc]

Riv3rWOlf, this is incredibly powerful. Thank you for sharing. What an important gift to yourself and to all of us. Surfacing trauma is an important step in healing. Sending you healing thoughts.

[Woolspinner2000]

Peace and blessings and healing to you,  Riv3rW0lf. 
Such brave steps of taking care of you. Well done. 

 
Wools

[Riv3rW0lf]

Riv3rW0lf, I sense that in your email to your mother, you have taken back your power.  You have turned and faced her, and spoken your truth.

Yes. She didn't try to reach out yet, and won't.

Knowing her, as days pass, it will become a power move for her : showing bigger signs of depression via silence and try to rally my brothers' empathy. Brother 1 already told me : 'I really think she didn't know' because they talked and he felt bad for her. To which I answered: "If she didn't know, it might actually make it even worst."

Usually, I would "change my mind" when Brother 1 intervenes, and contact her to discuss it, being the bigger person, but in my case now : this would result ins giving away my power again, which I vowed never to do again to little Riverwolf.

So I asked Brother 1 to not talk about her with me again. And he agreed. It will be hard for him, and I know he will try to get me back into our old dynamic.

But never again.

Mommydoc and Wools, thank you very much for your support.

[Methuen]

Imagine how shocked a person would be who truly didn’t know.  What might that kind of shock look like?

Instead, your mom denies knowing.  I’m not a psychologist, but that jumps out at me.  

It sounds like she has brother 1 wrapped around her little finger and he is oblivious.  

In addition to asking him not to talk about her around you, could you also ask him not to talk about you around her?  Would your brother be able to do this?

She is using him to justify her defensive feelings, and to feel better.  And he is playing into that - feeling bad for her?  Can he hear himself?  Really?  And yet she doesn’t approach you?  How much more evidence does he need?

Maybe it’s a strong value I have because of my mother’s BPD, but I have little patience for people who talk slam, or about another person’s trauma behind their back, unless its to plan how to be helpful.  This doesn’t seem helpful to you.

Its probably only a matter of time until she has him convinced you are the bad one for making her feel so bad when she didnt know. 

Would he be willing to put up a boundary to not talk about you around her? 

Thoughts?

[Riv3rW0lf]

Imagine how shocked a person would be who truly didn’t know.  What might that kind of shock look like?

You are unto something... Answering straight away with such few words... Saying "I didn't know" and then demanding forgiveness. Not trying to reach out further... I don't know... It's hard to tell... My father was not surprised. At all... There was no shock, just the face of a man who knew. I didn't see my mother's face when she answered, but I did think she had answered awfully fast... And now that you mention it, for someone who didn't know, I would have expected more time before an answer. But she read and answered right away... It feels more like protection than shock...

What do you think real shock would look like?

It sounds like she has brother 1 wrapped around her little finger and he is oblivious.  

Yes, brother 1 is torn. But his need to protect his little sister is very significant. When he told me that, it was mixed with : this is none of my business, and you have a right to feel the way you feel, I just think she really didn't know... And then he blamed shift unto my father. Not unto me. She will never be able to turn brother 1 against me, I've been there for him too much and he knows I am safer than she is... But she does try to turn him against our father all the time..

In addition to asking him not to talk about her around you, could you also ask him not to talk about you around her?  Would your brother be able to do this?

He wouldn't be able to do this. I let him know, fully aware that he would be discussing my trauma to other people... My brother talks a lot... not in a judging way, he just talks, talks, talks none stop, that was his defense mechanism, just as mine was to shut up. So I prepared for it, and felt ready. I don't really care that he talks about it. Everyone with whom he can discuss it, I don't know personally and won't reach out to, nor them to me. It won't impact my life is what I mean, nor my healing process. We have seen each other twice in 6 years... Our life are completely separate.

As to him discussing me with my mother... I don't really mind either. What I am working on with him is to have him slowly recognize that our mother is not what she seems. And it will take a lot of time... And I cannot get in there with a full blown attack. Because yes, she does have him wrapped around her finger. But he is currently living in our grandparents house on my father side and getting closer everyday with our father. I think he is being guided toward healing too... Plus, there is not much she can say that I won't have an answer to... And as the little sister who saved him from suicide last summer : my brother listens to me more than he listens to her... And this is something she hates.

As bad as it may sound : she is not as good with words as I am, and she doesn't have the magic touch with my brother.. she is lacking empathy and strives for control, and my brother really is trying to get better.  He knows something is off with her, he just feels he has to take care of her...

She is using him to justify her defensive feelings, and to feel better.  And he is playing into that - feeling bad for her?  Can he hear himself?  Really?  And yet she doesn’t approach you?  How much more evidence does he need?

He actually doesn't hear himself... My brother is a drug addict, and impulsive buyers. He has deep emotional problems. He is like a young child who believe everything everyone tell him. He can be swayed very easily and will change his opinion on a dime, just because the other said so. He has NO sense of self whatsoever.

So she says something and as soon as I answer, he changes his mind back against her and switched the subject. Then same with our father... The only one in our family he doesn't listen to is Brother 2... Because brother 2 beat him up when he was young, and unleashed his rage onto him..

He was deeply traumatized as a child... He was peed on, physically assaulted, emotionnally assaulted, drugged... I see him as a lost child with absolutely not an ounce of meanness... And I don't resent him trying to protect our mother... He does it despite himself. He just doesn't know any better...

Maybe it’s a strong value I have because of my mother’s BPD, but I have little patience for people who talk slam, or about another person’s trauma behind their back, unless its to plan how to be helpful.  This doesn’t seem helpful to you.

Thank you for caring and wanting to protect me. I am deeply touched. 

Its probably only a matter of time until she has him convinced you are the bad one for making her feel so bad when she didnt know. 

If this happen, I will let him go too... I am prepared for it as well, even though it would make everything awfully complicated  in the future.

But I don't think it will ever happen... Because I truly care for my brother, and he knows it.. he feels the difference between our mother and I.. so while he feels an urge in taking care of her, his love for her is not genuine, he just doesn't know it yet. His love for me though, is genuine, because I've always been there for him and never hurt him...

[Riv3rW0lf]

Well, Methuen, you were right.

I had to block Brother 1, we fought and I think him and I now require a break from our relationship. Which, if I am to be honest, might be a very good thing.

She does have him around her little finger after all.  

And it is interesting how I am framed as the one with the problem everytime I stand up and defend myself.

They can take care of her, I am done with all this.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Also, the first thing brother 2 did is call her to make sure she was alright.

I reacted emotionnally to both of them and now I feel lonely and misunderstood, while they all kept their role of "just wanting to help". And I feel like the crazy one somehow, even though I know I am not. Brother 1 is so much like my mother actually, it just jumped at me. He uses the same tactics, always turn every blame back on you and act like the victim in everything.

It's ok, I said my piece, I needed them to know so that she couldn't lie about why we are not on speaking terms.

Now the backlash I was expecting happened, and it's officially done and I can be on my way.

I guess I was hopeful. I lost my cool, fell down in the triangle again with Brother 1... It happens... I don't think I will be able to maintain a relationship with him in the long run ... Even short term, I know he won't speak to me for a while. Silence treatment is his default like mother.

I hate all this. I just want out.

[Methuen]

Riv3rW0lf I’m so sorry.  

You’re mother  is triangulating both your brothers because she needs them to “side with her” so she can keep defending  her psyche and blame someone else for the mistakes she made that led to tour trauma..  

We support you completely.  Keep the blocks up.  Give yourself all the space you need for as long as you need.

I don’t know what to say that will help right now, except that we have your back, and we’re here to listen and support.  

What can you do for self care right now?  Sending you genuine hugs.  

[Riv3rW0lf]

Needing to process some more about all this...

Two days ago, Brother 1 told me "he really believed her when she told him she didn't know, it was a crazy house, but he understood how I felt and didn't want to add to my hurt". Yet, he still felt he had to somehow excuse her, that is, anyhow, how I perceived what he told me. On the moment, I was so depressed, I didn't even say anything and just asked him to not talk about her to me.

Yesterday, I gave a lot of thoughts on things, and decided to reach out to Brother 1 again to make him realize that there wasn't a way forward between mother and me. And he made it about himself, about how after so many years away he felt sad that he couldn't invite us both to his house. About how, I was misunderstand everything they were saying and putting too much emphasis on simple words that can be misunderstood so easily. He says he didn't side with her, and didn't want to hold a side in the first place... I felt he was under pressure, and I was triggered by the state of victim he chose to take, by all his accusations of me being the one with the problem.

He made excuses for her, and when I called him out on it, and tried to open his eyes, he told me I was making drama out of simple words, misunderstanding everything, that I had a serious problem... If I really stop to re-read and re-listen what he wrote me and recorded for me to hear... it was like hearing my mother all over again : (1) Invalidation, (2) Gaslighting, (3) Taking the role of the one who just wants to help while I am misunderstanding everything, (4) Victimhood.

Something tells me Brother 1 will never see my truth of this discussion. I should have known better than to poke, but I am honest : it was only a matter of time before this happens. Because he never can keep himself from trying to defend and excuse her. And so... Everything would have burst at some point anyway. It is quite clear to me this morning.

During his rant, Brother 1 told me that he and Brother 2 were the ones who told our mother what to answer. So I reached out to Brother 2, who works in mental health(ish) as a life coach. He is usually more reasonable. But I was deeply triggered. Brother 2 told me he hadn't told what to answer to our mother, else, it would have been something different. He added that he did check up on her though, because my letter was a bit strong. I lost it completely. Asked him if he had two minutes, we talked on the phone and I asked him how he thought I was feeling right now hearing this.

He told me he just wanted everyone to carry their own blame and stop placing blames on others, to which I replied : I was 7 years old, I carry no blame at all. Mother spent her whole life blaming me about the state of our relationship and you saw it recently that she still does, and yet, you dare tell me I am placing blame on her because I stood up for myself. I gave her back her blame is what I did. Some people carry more blame than others in this story.

He said : she was drinking so much, she really didn't know.

I answered: this makes it even worst. don't you think I wish I could sometimes drink my problems and smoke them away? I have children, and I don't, because they are my responsibility. And I am sick and tired of this family dynamic.

Brother 2 didn't push it further. And stayed silent when I reminded him we were talking about a woman who told his own son that he loved him less than his sister. He still added that my interpretation might be wrong, like that time when I thought stepfather had blocked me on Facebook, how I was misunderstanding mother... To which I replied: "You are right, they really did had a Facebook problem and it wasn't a block, but she opened his new account on Marsh 22, and by April 7, had added more than a 100 friends, Brother 1 and you included, but not me. So I wasn't completely wrong either." He stayed silent again.

More gaslighting about me not understanding her... 

I am aware this morning that I looked like the crazy one. I was crying. I lost my nerves.

Then I texted my father, my last hope for solace. And he told me he was proud of me for taking the hard road... the hardest road but the only one leading to freedom. That I was now seeing clearly how the dynamics under our mother are toxic, and that he loved me. That is the only support I have left in my family.

I didn't sleep... I spent the night second-guessing the letter I sent. How harsh it was... Did it really need to be said and given to her?

And the only answer I can come up with is : Yes. I was the victim. She keeps gaslighting me and guiltripping me in seeing her as a good mother, when she never was.

And it pains me to realize that the toxicity in my family is the kind where Brother 1 and Brother 2 will hide their guiltripping behind airs of understanding and compassion. The fact that Brother 1 said he was so sad because I wasn't talking to mother anymore, that this is all toxic (he actually said that) to him, that he didn't need all this in his life... After everything I have done for him. The fact that Brother 2 called our mother first after reading the letter, how his first reaction was to check up on her and tell me the letter was "a bit strong".

This morning, I woke up to a text of Brother 2 telling me "he was there for me". But I realize, he is not there for me, he is there to keep track of how I am doing and hopefully bring me back into the fold at some point.

I feel like the crazy one. The only way I know I am not is because I now have a therapist, this forum and because my best friend and husband confirm that children are victims. I was her responsibility. When we choose to have children, we take a responsibility toward them, to protect them as best we can. It is not always possible, and as long as we do our best, usually, it is good enough to not break them entirely. She didn't do her best, and she still doesn't. But somehow, in my family, we are expected to just support her? This is so messed up... And Brother 2 has children so why doesn't he see this?

I officially blocked mother and stepfather of social media.

Brother 1 and Brother 2's reaction lead me to this final step.

I am done with all of them and I will never reach out again to them for any kind of support.

Thankfully, I have a father and a stepmother left, who are sane and safe.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I guess... They are allowed to try to mitigate, they are allowed to think my letter was a bit strong, maybe to someone who didn't go through this, they just don't realize how bad it is and how much shame and pain I carry today, just how much I have to process and how it impacts me in my everyday life and in my intimity. They can't know, they haven't been through it.

My first mistake was to half-expect them to truly stay out of it. And they didn't.

Part of me hoped they would side with me on this. Or at least, would not dare contact me to excuse her, and talk on her behalf.

Brother 2 said my trauma was now owned by the family. I was beyond myself. Told him the only reason I told them was so that she wouldn't be able to lie about why I wasn't speaking to her. That my trauma was mine and mine alone to deal with and that I didn't need to be saved. And he kept saying : well it impacts all of us now. And it is all said under a guise of caring... But it feels so very wrong to me, hearing that.

Am I really too sensitive?

I couldn't see my therapist last week because we all caught covid... I will try to get in this week... I don't think I can wait another week.

[lm1109]

I'm so sorry Riv3rwolf! The triangulation, the crazy making, the gaslighting, shifting blame, etc...are all textbook dynamics of the BPD and alcoholic family. Your brothers have been raised to protect your mother and keep her in her secure role of victim at all costs. The fact that your brother would use her alcoholism as an excuse for her not knowing shows just how sick his reasoning is. In fact it's ALL so very sick. They are excusing the inexcusable and that is THEIR problems...NOT yours.

Am I really too sensitive?

I can answer that with an absolute NO. You are not too sensitive. I have been told that I was "Too Sensitive" my WHOLE entire life. That's an abuse tactic to devalue our experiences and to shut us up.

Brother 1 telling you "that it's ALL so toxic" reminds me so much of my Dad that it actually made stomach turn. Bringing up your abuse(so you can finally heal) is not what is toxic...the ABUSE is toxic! THEY'RE victim blaming is toxic. It actually amazes me how your brothers said the SAME things to you that my Mom's flying monkey(my dad) said to me...it's as if there is some manipulation handbook somewhere and there is some unwritten rule that there can only be ONE victim and it MUST be Mom. The one who sees the truth and speaks the truth in a sick family is seen as the "problem" because then all of the focus can be shifted onto the "problem" so they don't have to look at any of the sickness and heal.

You did the right thing. Your therapist, husband, friends, Dad, this board, and any other HEALTHY person in your life can confirm that! The only advice I can give you is the same advice I had to give myself..I realized that I no longer had the energy to sift through the sickness or untangle the web of dysfunction..that energy has to go into healing ME. I had to throw myself out of the triangle completely by announcing that I was focusing on my own healing. When I did that, my rape was weaponized and I was told that I AM the only problem in the "family" and that all of my problems stem from my rape that I experienced as a teenager. They REFUSED to look at ANY of their neglect, abuse, or fault in the demise of the "family" They choose to live in denial and I choose to exit denial so I can finally heal from the hell that they caused me.

I'm sorry Riv3rwolf. You are doing all of the right things. You may not have a Mom or brothers to lean on...but you have YOU...and YOU are standing firm in your truth, and because of that you can finally heal little Riv3rwolf...she wasn't protected by the adults who SHOULD have protected her, but now she has an amazing Mom...YOU!

Sending you so much peace and support

[khibomsis]

RW, sending you my greetings and a warm  . I went through a similar experience recovering repressed memories in my late thirties and after much therapy deciding to tell the family. uNBPD mom triggered and went on a mammoth rampage. Like you, I was floored by the fact that it became all about her. There is nothing you can do for them. Your mother has to go to therapy and figure herself out, and your brothers have to have a willingness to change family systems.
It seems strange that we are not even allowed our suffering to be about us. The term is 'secondary victimization'. You were not at fault then and you are not at fault now. You are OK. Give your inner child a big 
I never spoke about it again to them. I felt the original violation was enough. Now, two decades later, I have outlived her, and with the help of my younger siblings indeed am changing family dynamics. Patience is the key. Be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal.

[Mommydoc]

Riv3rWOlf, I am so sorry about how this unfolding with your mother and brothers. You are so courageous and brave . I deeply appreciate your sharing your journey with us, as we navigate our unique circumstances.

I guess I was hopeful. I lost my cool, fell down in the triangle again with Brother 1... It happens...

Earlier in the string, I saw your hope with Brother1 and I was hoping with you. You hoped your brothers would side with you and they didn’t. One of the things I spent a lot of time in therapy, was letting go of hope with my relationship with my sister. My therapist pointed out, that my natural tendency when she was “positive” was to be hopeful that things would be different, better and we could be close again. He pointed out the patterns and got me to the place where I just accepted that the only thing I could change was my pattern of response and that she was very unlikely to change. As you further reflect, the dysfunction and the patterns within your family are predictable and are not likely to change. The only thing you can change is your response. I got pulled into the triangle and lost my cool with my sister despite my strong intent not to. It happens but we both have the self awareness not to stay there.

What makes me the most angry is the self doubt we both feel. You are not too sensitive! You are so kind and reasonable and appropriate. But like me, you are pivoting to advocate more strongly for yourself, and that is a pattern your family is not accustomed to.

Then I texted my father, my last hope for solace. And he told me he was proud of me for taking the hard road... the hardest road but the only one leading to freedom. That I was now seeing clearly how the dynamics under our mother are toxic, and that he loved me. That is the only support I have left in my family.

Anchor to the support you have and choose the people who do support you as your chosen family. My daughter reminded me that  our biological family isn’t our chosen family. Your father is perhaps the person who fully understands and can best support you. But I believe there are likely others in your life (in addition to all of us!) who see you and  can be there to support you in your positive path to freedom.

Sending strength and love and encouragement!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you so very much for your feedbacks. I feel off today, as was to be expected with the night I had and triggers from yesterday, and all your answers were a much needed source of validation, support and comfort. They helped appease me. I feel very fragile right now... And I am trying to stay there, to validate the fragility too and not fly, not hide behind my usual "strong woman" mask. Today, I am not feeling well, and it is ok. I was able to get an appointment to see my therapist on Thursday.

Im1109, thank you so much for sharing your own story. It helped to hear I am not alone dealing with this type of trauma. And you are right, this exactly how I feel : I just don't have any energy to fight back anymore, to try and convince. And what would be the point, in the end, anyway? It's not like there will ever be a nice dinner with all of us sitting there as a happy family. So why spend more energy on it? To think I have to explain to them that none of what they are saying even makes sense... To think they don't realize that they did side with her in the end when they decided to excuse her to me, when they decided to check up on her because my letter was "too strong". My letter was true. Truth is hard to swallow, and I guess they just are not ready.

Khimbosis, thank you for sharing you went through the same experience, to validate that surfacing trauma is a real thing. Sometimes I am scared they will soon accuse me to have made it all up, to have somehow convinced myself and make up memories. I am fairly certain Brother 2 is on the fence about it, he asked me if I was sure... Like I would make it up, somehow? As if I didn't have better things to do with my time.

Mommydoc, you are right, the only power I have in on myself and I think losing my cool is the reason I was so ashamed yesterday. I reread what I told him, and I don't see any attacks... Yet he is reacting like I am directly attacking him when I am calling out our mother... I think the best course of action is to stop hoping for change, like you said. I grieved the mother I never had, now I will have to grieve the brothers I will never have.

Thank you all again for your wisdom and kindness and support.

Part of me feels guilty that I wanted them to take a side, even though I didn't ask them to. They kept telling me : we are not taking a side, all the while excusing her behaviors and protecting her and telling me openly they are worried about her.

I wonder if they told her that to her too... Or if she is just much better than me in manipulating everything back to her advantage...

I guess it doesn't really matter. I will focus on the positive people I have in my life.  

[zachira]

I agree with you that truth is hard to swallow. Think of how painful it has been for you to face how your family has treated you and not having the support you deserved when you are the child victim. I often ask myself: would I prefer to be one of the abusers with all the power and support from their flying monkeys with no capacity to face the pain, unable to feel real joy and love, unable to grow, or would I rather be the one suffering from the abuse, knowing that I will continue to feel better and have a happier life as I face the truth, as painful as it is to swallow.

[khibomsis]

RW, parental neglect sets the scene for child abuse. That your mother did not know is indeed the worst, the absolute worst thing that could have been said. You have every right to your feelings, and well done for having the courage to remember the truth. Yes, focus on the positive and move forward. You do not need validation from those who do not possess your courage. Let them find you along the way when they are ready.

[Riv3rW0lf]

You do not need validation from those who do not possess your courage. Let them find you along the way when they are ready.

I needed to read this. Thank you so much.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I agree with you that truth is hard to swallow. Think of how painful it has been for you to face how your family has treated you and not having the support you deserved when you are the child victim. I often ask myself: would I prefer to be one of the abusers with all the power and support from their flying monkeys with no capacity to face the pain, unable to feel real joy and love, unable to grow, or would I rather be the one suffering from the abuse, knowing that I will continue to feel better and have a happier life as I face the truth, as painful as it is to swallow.

You are right Zachira, we have to find solace in the fact that we are on a journey toward healing and freedom of choice, action instead of reaction. The hard road, but the only one that is truly worth living for.

[WalkbyFaith]

Riverwolf, I am sorry I'm just now catching up on this thread. You have been through a very tough week  I can hear how incredibly painful this is for you. You are courageous and strong, and I'm so grateful you have your dad and stepmother for support as well as your husband and other friends. Yet, the hole that is left by mother and siblings is a gaping hole. I understand that.

My siblings (and dad) have also taken sides with my mom, completely seeing her as the victim and me as the "bad guy." Siblings outright told me they will not have a relationship with me unless I am in good standing with mom. That was like a punch in the gut. So the situation is a bit different but I -- and many others here -- can sympathize with this pain of betrayal.

May you continue to find hope and healing, even if just one moment at a time.

[FeelingStuck]

Riv3rwolf, I'm writing to echo the posts of others:

It was brave of you to share your truth and confront your mother in that letter, perfectly reasonable to seek validation and support from your other family members, and healthy to discontinue contact with your brothers when they failed to validate you. Like you said, better to focus on the positive people you have in your life. And to break the cycle of drama and abuse, like you are doing already!

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you all very much for your kind words and support.

I wanted to give an update...

I was able to get in to see my therapist today and upon reading with him what my brothers had written, I could clearly see that I was completely blinded by rage.

My therapist pointed out that I threw a bomb, and collateral damage was bound to happen... But putting himself in the shoes of my brothers, he thought it clear that they loved me and were trying their best to mitigate the effects this bomb had, all the while trying to support me.

It is true that Brother 1 excuses our mother and blame shifts our dad, but it is also true that his own relationship with our dad was always a source of pain for him and very strained. Also, he did tell me he loved me and wished only that I get better.

It is true that Brother 2 called our mother first and told me my letter was a bit strong, he also excused our mother with her alcoholism. But it is also true that he felt deep pain for me and only wishes me well and to get better. He did not judge me when I said I wanted to cut contact with our mother and actually supported me in doing whatever I needed to heal.

I am enraged. Completely enraged. And when I am set off, while I don't attack, I also don't read and only see persecution and invalidation, because this is what I grew up with.

I contacted both my brothers today to tell them I was sorry. That I felt deep rage, but they were not the source, nor the cause of it. I am enraged at my mother and I have to learn to keep my rage in check and take a huge step back when I am triggered, to get a better sense of what is truly going on.

I learned about myself today, and this week.

I am lucky my brothers are not siding with anyone and I don't want to be like my mother by requesting they side with me. To each their path toward healing, and I will be there for them when and if they need me.

But I did cut contact with my mother and have not changed my mind on this. Because of all my rage and how badly her presence triggers me, it made it quite clear that I need to cut contact, for myself and for the sake of all the people I love around me, and toward whom I do not wish to discharge undue rage.

[zachira]

It takes great courage and integrity to not recruit others to side with you. Flying monkeys enable the abuse of others. Good for you for not recruiting your brothers to side with you, and not being like your mother!

[Riv3rW0lf]

It takes great courage and integrity to not recruit others to side with you. Flying monkeys enable the abuse of others. Good for you for not recruiting your brothers to side with you, and not being like your mother!

Thank you Zachira, the last thing I want is to become an abuser to my mother and brothers myself. Unchecked rage can lead to that, and I refuse to become a vengeful persecutor. I'd rather work on developing serenity and love, patience and acceptance for myself and others. 

[zachira]

We can often feel so dispondent how the abusers seem to have all the support and nobody believes us. Yet, you have chosen the high road and with time, you will be happier and healthier in ways that the abusers and their flying monkeys can never be.

[lm1109]

I am enraged. Completely enraged. And when I am set off, while I don't attack, I also don't read and only see persecution and invalidation, because this is what I grew up with.

I contacted both my brothers today to tell them I was sorry. That I felt deep rage, but they were not the source, nor the cause of it. I am enraged at my mother and I have to learn to keep my rage in check and take a huge step back when I am triggered, to get a better sense of what is truly going on.

I learned about myself today, and this week.

I am lucky my brothers are not siding with anyone and I don't want to be like my mother by requesting they side with me. To each their path toward healing, and I will be there for them when and if they need me.

This is really great Riv3rwolf. I am currently working through the rage as well, and to be honest, struggling a good bit with it right now. But I recently got angry with my husband and had to do the same thing...though he was being very unsupportive in a particular moment...I recognized that he was not the source of my anger. I relate to what you said about only seeing persecution when Im set off. I also had to realize that he can't support me enough to make the pain, hurt, disappointment, etc disappear. It's up to me to fix me. It's really hard to navigate other complex relationships when triggered...and I'm definitely still a work in progress. I guess it's to be expected but keeping myself in check with the people I love is crucial, and if there is one thing that I ACTUALLY learned from my mother, it's that I will NEVER stop learning, growing, and apologizing when I need to. I refuse to be HER! I'm really glad your therapist was able to help you sort out such heavy emotions. I am currently waiting until next week to see a new therapist, and I'm really hoping I can get some helpful perspective there as well.

Sending you lots of support

[Riv3rW0lf]

Thank you Im1109,

I am sending you tons of support too. The fact that we are aware just how angry we are is a good chunk of the battle, this awareness of ourselves, it will always differentiate us from our mothers.

I hope it clicks with your new therapist.

My therapist told me, when I start feeling angry and irritable, to take a second to tell myself : mother get out of this body !

It made me laugh. He works a lot with humor. But I think, although it sounds silly, this might be one of the best advice for me... Pushing weights, screaming and hitting things, it doesn't seem to work in letting it go...but humor mixed with recognizing that I am not my mother, it seems to help to switch things around and get back to myself maybe a bit quicker.

I think little RiverWolf likes to laugh.

 

[khibomsis]

Well done, RW! Well done for preserving a sense of humour and surviving to be that inner child who laughs and strives to be positive. I always think that the best revenge is to live the good life.  Khib