Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 01:54:15 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How would a child understand?
Shame, a Powerful, Painful and Potentially Dangerous Emotion
Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?
Have Your Parents Put You at Risk for Psychopathology
Resentment: Maybe She Was Doing the...
91
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: My younger sibling is splitting again, and I think I might be done  (Read 450 times)
Hime-sama

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Polyamory
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Living together with younger sibling
Posts: 3


« on: May 26, 2022, 10:03:05 PM »

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post)

I’m honestly just going through it. I don’t know if there’s help or advice for me at this point, because I’ve already made the choices and committed to them. But I finally signed up for these forums because I want to read other peoples’ experiences and try to validate that I’ve made the right call.

Brief background on what I know so far: I have a really good therapist who also has a family member with bpd, and she’s been helping me figure out my strategies and reactions, and she referred me to ‘Essebtial Family Guide to BPD’, which I read cover to cover. It was validating because I was already instinctively doing a lot of those strategies like gray rock, delay and distract, and controlling my own reactions and body language.

I am the older sister, 32, and they are my non-binary younger sibling, 30. They went into crisis and left their living situation in December of 2019, and I decided to jump in and get us a place together so they’d have a safe place to get back on their feet.

I’m sure you can guess a lot of the rest. Living together made me realize that they had BPD. A lot of their behaviors were infuriating and inexplicable, and when I told my therapist about it, she suggested BPD, and everything suddenly clicked. The more I learned the more validated I felt, and then the bleaker it all sounded.

That’s where I’m at now. There’s only two months left on our lease, and I can’t wait to be separated again. My sibling has told me about a long list of diagnoses they think they have (and I’m very skeptical because of both the sheer number of them, and how some of them seem to contradict), but they’ve mentioned both bpd and narcissism, so I’m not sure which is is, or even both. I’m just not sure on any of it, and I guess it doesn’t really matter. But bpd rings true with a lot of my experiences with them, so that’s the one I’m researching the most.

But it’s all just so unfair. I think I’m an incredibly patient and empathetic person. I’ve been so GOOD. I keep doing everything I’m supposed to do. Listening empathetically, respecting their needs and boundaries, validating them, treating their symptoms and experience with compassion, and knowing that the mood swings aren’t about me.

But I can’t get past the splitting. I can’t just ignore it. And of course they still split. They have BPD! But even so, even knowing it’s not about me, it doesn’t change that I have to deal with it, and how they MAKE it about me.

This time was just too much. It’s so bad that right now, they are telling me I’m toxic, I’m emotionally abusing them, my behavior needs to change, I’m lying, I’m invalidating them, I’m treating them like PLEASE READ. The actual offense? When they knocked over my expensive tub of skincare onto the floor and I find the bathroom floor covered in sticky honey goo, I walked out and told them in a very level volume and tone “hey. You took my stuff out from under the sink for the inspection, which is great. But then you didn’t put it back, and now I just found my tub of skincare ripped over and the floor is basically covered in honey and I got it on my clothes. I’m super frustrated and just don’t want yo have to deal with it’.

When they started splitting and told me why they were upset, they sent me this text:

“Just because you don’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean my feelings weren’t and still aren’t being validated.
You took on a disposition that was frightening. You used a frustrated tone of voice and scowled at me. “

That’s it. I scowled at them, and I sounded frustrated. And now this has escalated and gone on for two days and many walls of text.

I decided this time I’d had enough. I can’t agree to their terms and agree that this was wrong. If I agree to this and ‘promise to change’, I feel like I’m condoning this level of controlling behavior and manipulation. I can’t live with them if they’re ‘holding me accountable for abuse’ at the slightest show of emotion on my face. I’m doing everything I can to control myself. I can’t do any more than this. The amount of self control I’ve exerted so far has already taken a huge toll on me. I’m at my wit’s end.

I decided this set boundaries, so I laid out ‘terms of engagement’ for me to be willing to engage with them at all. I told them all this:

“You definitely don’t have to talk to me. You are allowed to set that boundary or take as much space as you need. Also ‘I’m going radio silent’ does not mean that you’re asking me to stop talking to or contacting you, which is why I’m still finishing my thoughts here.
But what you’re doing here is projecting a lot of things onto me that are unfair. You’re telling me what I think and feel. And you’re telling me that I’m not allowed to have or express emotions, not only to you, but even around you. I’m not okay with that.  If you aren’t able to allow me to feel my own feelings or give me the compassion and space to be upset about things, then all I can do is back off. I make a conscious effort to not aim my emotions at you. And to only communicate what I think needs to be communicated to you if I am upset. I try really hard to not express anger AT you. But you are telling me that that is still not enough. That I am not allowed to even look upset. What you are doing here is not boundaries. You’re telling me what -I- have to do. And I’m not okay with that either. I will happily respect as much space and time as you need along with any other boundaries you set, and we can negotiate having these conversations in a healthy way and in good faith. But I am not okay with you invalidating my emotions either. Telling me that I’m not allowed to be upset, period, is not okay.  And you also do exactly the same thing in the same ways. You sound upset or angry in your tone and body language when you are upset or angry. That is a human thing. It is not something that I would expect you to be able to completely turn off, and I do not think it is reasonable or okay to ask of me either.

If you continue to blame me, project motives and thoughts onto me, and try to control me by telling me what I am not allowed to think or feel, I will step away from these conversations and give us more time to cool down and come back to them. I will happily have this conversation with you when we can both do so in good faith.”

And then when they acted like that hadn’t happened and asked to ‘schedule a time to talk’ the next morning, I sent this:

“Hi. I have enough going on with my work schedule that I’ll need more time before I’ll have the spoons and availability to discuss this. I might be able to talk Friday if I work from home, but I might need to wait until after you come back from this weekend.  I can let you know what is going on for me by Friday afternoon.

Also, I think it would be helpful to do some preparation before we sit down together and talk.

I see a lot of our communication becoming muddy, because I think we have different understandings of terms and tools, and I would like us to clarify and agree upon our definitions of words and our terms of engagement before we go forward.

Here are my terms of engagement: I am going to regularly ask you to define things for me, to describe what you mean, and to unpack your thoughts for me. This is for me to better understand where you are coming from, but also to make sure we both mean the same thing when we refer to something. I might also pull up external resources for both of us to defer to, or you can do so with your preferred sources. Definitions of terms, tools used in dbt and other kinds of therapy, etc. This is to keep us coming back to neutral and healthy forms of communication.

I am willing to talk out any and every thing you want to address with me, and I will not avoid or drop any of the topics you want to address.

However, I am only willing to engage in constructive, nonviolent communication where we are using the terms and tools appropriately. If I feel like I am being manipulated, I will name the problem, I might disengage from the conversation completely if I think it’s necessary, and I will give you a resource outside myself to address the problem, or give you time to consult your own resources, therapist, friends, etc. Then I will give you as much time as you need to process, and welcome you to come back to me and try again when you can communicate to me without using those problematic tactics. And however long it takes, we can write down topics to come back to or table, but I will still happily come back to them.

This is how I am willing to continue to engage with you. You are of course welcome to set your own boundaries, but this is what I need. Calm, healthy communication with clarity and shared language.

Please do not approach me or reach out to me to discuss other topics right now unless they are time sensitive/necessary and household related. Feel free to ask me any clarifying questions you have or respond directly to these terms.”

I realize now that I’ve drawn a hard line. I don’t know if I did a good job. But I don’t think I’m willing to budge on these boundaries period, and it might end our relationship. I dunno.
Logged
wantmorepeace

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: connected
Posts: 45


« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2022, 09:22:31 AM »

You are working HARD and with great intentionality in a crazy and crazy-making situation.  Whatever happens next, know that it is not your fault.  Far from having done anything wrong, you have bent over backwards to be understanding and constructive while still setting very reasonable boundaries.  Wishing you all the best.
Logged
GaGrl
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5722



« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2022, 10:13:52 AM »

What are the arrangements for ending the lease? Are you getting your own individual housing? What does your sibling plan to do?
Logged


"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Channing

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: estranged
Posts: 38


« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2022, 11:30:58 AM »

I am so sorry you are going through this. When I read your description of your experience with the most recent split, it was like a flashback of my own BPD sister. The trivial incident that triggers a torrent of criticism, accusations and rage -- it is so hurtful and seems to come out of nowhere. It is even worse when the person who is saying these things about you lives in your home, knows a lot about you and knows what your weaknesses and insecurities are.

When I started reading your post and got to the part where you said that you decided to get a place to share with your sister to help her out, my first reactions were "what a wonderful caring thing to do" followed by "oh, no." This is the dilemma of trying to support a person with BPD -- your efforts to help can be simultaneously warm and caring and also an emotional disaster - because they make you the target.

I still have a fantasy that I could live with my sister and help care for her. Kudos to you for making this effort. It took an enormous amount of courage and caring to even try this. I also admire the fact that you seem to be following your survival instincts and are preparing to exit.

I had a turning point with my sister when I was struggling to deal with her constant phone calls during work hours. One day, I asked her why she was not calling her best friend and she said "Oh, she has a lot of important things to do." I was stunned because I was frantically busy myself.

After that, I became assertive about setting phone boundaries with my sister. She responded with accusations and rage and now she does not speak to me. My point is that giving hundreds of hours of my time on the phone to my sister got me exactly nothing -- no appreciation, no closeness, no real sisterly relationship -- none of the things I thought I was "earning" by trying to help her.

The reason I am telling you this is that your BPD sibling will probably view your departure from a shared living situation as an abandonment that will prompt an even more extreme attack than the one you are already enduring. You may want to prepare yourself emotionally to deal with that. You will probably initially feel a lot of relief but then there is sadness and grief too. You have come to the right place because there are a lot of caring people here who understand what you are going through.
Logged
Hime-sama

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Polyamory
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Living together with younger sibling
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2022, 02:58:59 PM »

What are the arrangements for ending the lease? Are you getting your own individual housing? What does your sibling plan to do?

Luckily for me, to address two of the comments, our move out situation is already arranged!

We signed a lease that ends at the end of July, and they had already approached me a couple months ago to tell me that after this, that think they’re ready to move on, and plan to move in with two of their close friends from college and go back to school for an art teaching certificate.

I have loose plans to move in with friends as well, but have been going through enough tumult (I also just started a new job two weeks ago) that I haven’t had time or energy to nail things down.

So luckily, the split is already set in stone and wax amicable, and I think that’s contributed to my being willing to rock the boat and set these new boundaries. If they continue to rage at me for the next two months, I’ll still be moving out.

And after about a year and a half of my biting my tongue and putting up with their whole range of bad behaviors (and walking on eggshells), I desperately want space from them. I’ll never see them the same way again, obviously. The biggest shame is that we used to be close, when we would only see each other for a few hours every few weeks to hang out. Now I’m not even sure if I care if they never speak to me again.

I’ve just been so pent up about a lot of narcissistic, inconsiderate and volatile/impulsive/childish behaviors of theirs, but I knew that me trying to voice them wouldn’t actually be constructive or heard, so I’ve just been sitting on them. I didn’t want to risk sending them into a suicidal spiral by criticizing them unless it was a really good time and/or we absolutely had to address it.

Now, the way that they are calling me all these names and telling me what a terrible person I am,  how ‘textbook definitions won’t change that you’re hurting me and you need to drop that nonsense’, and how they’re just pulling up anything they can to hurt me, including saying that they took a recent vacation ‘to get away from me and work up the nerve to confront me about my behavior’? Lol. I just… what? You went to California to hang out with your Internet friend in wine country. You told me you’ve been planning this for years. What the f*** lmao. It’s all just so much salt in the wound. Trying to keep it together considering the level of hypocrisy is just killing me right now. I was already feeling done and telling my friends in confidence that I couldn’t wait for this to be over when things were still ‘good’. When we were getting along and things seemed stable. I don’t think they realize at all what I’m feeling or how much I’ve distanced myself from them. I think they’re assuming that these threats will lead me to cave immediately in desperation to keep them in my life. But right now, I just honestly don’t care. If they weren’t my blood relative, I would’ve been long gone SO long ago? They’re just insufferable at this point, embarrassing me in front of other people, making every conversation a chance to brag, destroying my things and flaking on promises. Clearly I’m losing it Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), I can’t stop ranting.

And now, they’re going to move in with the friend that I watched them split on, blow up at, end their friendship with, make up with a few months later, and re-establish closeness with. And I did my best to ask gently “does this friend know much about bpd?’ And they said yes, and that this friend is very comfortable with it and they’ve been open with the friend about everything. Am I still skeptical? Absolutely. But I think that’s the best vetting I could do. And I just want all of this out of my life.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!