Eyes. So much eye contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is eye contact more noticeable in a relationship with a pwBpD? Long intense periods of eye contact. Is this an unconscious way to bond with others? A way to intensify feelings?

[Silverdash]

Is eye contact more noticeable in a relationship with a pwBpD? Long intense periods of eye contact. Is this an unconscious way to bond with others? A way to intensify feelings?

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[Cat Familiar]

Interesting thought…hadn’t occurred to me previously, but perhaps you’re onto something.

Since pwBPD try to establish intimacy early, that is certainly a way to do so. Socially it seems there’s an unwritten rule to only maintain eye contact for a limited time.

That someone would prolong eye contact signals interest, and intimacy, as well as dominance.

Good observation…I’m interested in hearing what others think.

[FirstSteps]

This is a very interesting point.  My uBDPw definitely maintains eye contact for way longer than the social norm, even within a marriage or with our kids.  She's done this her whole life, from stories she tells.  She has giant and beautiful blue eyes too, so I think the effect mesmerized a lot of people.  I think you both could be right in how a pwBPD could use this.

Oddly, I have never "attached" to her eyes, which has always thrown her off.  I think this is that whispering part of me that knew our boundaries were a mess from the beginning.  I plunged into the relationship anyway of course ...

[kells76]

Agreed; interesting topic.

I notice that I avoid making eye contact with the kids' stepdad. He has strong NPD traits and I experience making eye contact with him as giving him power, which I'm not interested in doing. I maintain boundaries by not making eye contact that he could exploit or manipulate.

The kids' mom (strong BPD traits)... as I think about it, there is something "not there"/"not present" in her eye contact that also has intense vibes at the same time. She has an intensity that might feel good to someone "into" her but I don't want to participate in it.

Although, I also don't like watching movie closeups where the person's eyes/face are a big part of the screen. I typically look at something in the background of the shot, or away from the screen altogether. I don't know that I've "enjoyed" prolonged eye contact even with people I love and trust. Maybe that's just me.

I try to use eye contact as a judicious tool when I'm talking with the kids about something important to them, to use it as a "check in" and an indication of me paying attention to them and tracking with them. But it's not prolonged.

Eye contact to me, overall, feels like a "boundaries down" experience. I don't like feeling unprotected or vulnerable, so I often decline to participate in eye contact, especially with people who time has shown aren't emotionally safe to be around (kids' mom and stepdad).

[PeteWitsend]

I never noticed "too much" eye contact. 

What I'd notice that was unusual about BPDxw's eyes was the wide-eyed, pupils-dilated "We're entering crazy town" look when she was really about to go off the deep end.

But otherwise the amount of eye contact seemed normal.  Not overly aggressive or passive. 

[kells76]

What I'd notice that was unusual about BPDxw's eyes was the wide-eyed, pupils-dilated "We're entering crazy town" look

That may be a better description of the "vibe" of DH's ex's eyes.

[thankful person]

I met my wife online, when I was living on the other side of the planet. I was addicted to her very fast. I had been messaging strangers for years just craving friendship, and to feel close to someone, (starting off with letter writing to pen pals and then of course the internet). I had been in a long-term committed relationship for 13 years. But the intensity of her neediness was what I’d always craved. How fast she responded to messages, 24 hours a day. She was mentally a complete mess and had recently attempted suicide. I wanted to help, and asked if she wanted to Skype video call. I feel like I was already in love with her having messaged each other constantly for a week… But those eyes were what got me. I could barely get my words out. We both fell hard and fast for each order during the first few seconds of that call. Soon we were video calling for hours every day. The rest, as they say, is history. My wife is by far the most difficult person I have ever known, and at times has made my life a living hell. But nobody else has ever looked at me like that.

[Silverdash]

May be I'm really into eyes

Just b4 he became my ex I noticed a change in those eyes, they looked so sad and dead. I can check back on it cos it was in a photo he sent me. His eyes look completely different! Like shark eyes, lifeless. No twinkle nadda like earlier photos. I do remember thinking should I ask him if some thing is wrong cos he looked so different in that last photo.

He is the only person I have met who has maintained such prolonged eye contact without a break. While walking side-by-side and used for that instant*turn up the heat* effect during intimate moments.

I've read b4 how pick-up artists use eye contact as a means to manipulate. I wonder if it's a subconscious thing with people who need to create that deep bond with others as fast as they can.

[Silverdash]

I would be the one to break eye contact cos it would feel too much. Then when I'd look back at him he'd smile...now I feel like that little smile I once thought was cute was a hahaha-now-I-gotcha-hooked smile

[T0M]

I recently discovered the existence of the narcissistic stare:

https://medium.com/@dinamin84/the-5-distinctive-narcissistic-stares-and-what-they-really-mean-a28b6f560087

So, not a BPD trait I think, did not notice it with my GF. If any, maybe the opposite is true - avoiding eye contact.