Adult daughter split and is falsely accusing me

[ihatethesoup]

Hi. I'm new here and hope I can find some help as I read through the posts. My daughter has BPD, and it's genetic (my mother, aunt, and two of my three sisters all had it). My daughter showed signs of it very early in life, and we've done everything we can think of to help her. She finally accepted her diagnosis a couple of years ago, and instead of getting help, she dove into groups of pwBPD who claim BPD is "100% from abusive parents." She already had a huge problem of blaming everyone and everything but herself for her bad behavior and outbursts of rage. Those groups and the TikTok videos she watched made the blaming worse and told her she "had to get revenge on her family." She started focusing all the blame on us, being abusive to us, and falsely accusing us of abusing her. Yes, there were some times when she got yelled at and punished for being lazy and for lying and stealing. Even the CPS worker she got to investigate us told her that there was no abuse going on in our household, and that she'd better get her act together or else she'd end up in a group home or worse.   

Over the last two years, she became more and more abusive to her dad, her brothers, and me. She refuses to go to therapy or to read any books we think would be helpful. She only wants to spend time with people who encourage her to hurt us and who tell her she's always right and justified.

On Mother's Day, she attacked me in the most unspeakable way over anger at two things. 1: being asked to help out around the house (she hadn't lifted a finger in months and completely destroyed her bedroom and the kitchenette I made for her to use) and 2: my reaction to a gift one of her brothers gave me. She claimed she's the only one of them who gets to make me cry. Then she said terrible things to me, threatened to cast spells and curses on all of us, and left. When the guys and I were packing her things, we found witchcraft books and supplies, which was a shock to us.

A couple of weeks ago, she started falsely accusing me of "severe abuse for years." She's putting it all over the internet and among our friends. I'm going to keep my language clean here: what she's saying and doing is total bull and can destroy my business.

I have always been her defender, her anchor. her listening ear and sounding board. She has said, "You're what we BPDers call our 'favorite person'." She explained that it means she feels safest with me, so she unleashes on me the worst. My husband and sons have asked several times in the last year if I'm done putting up with her behavior. On Mother's Day, I was so broken by what she did to me that when they asked again, I said yes.

After she moved out, she started sending me nasty texts. I told her I wouldn't be responding any further, and blocked her on my phone. My teenage son had already blocked her on his. She suddenly started acting like my husband and her older brother (both of whom she's hated for years) instantly became perfect, and she's contacting them constantly. Neither of them like it but they don't know what to do about it. I told them they have the option of blocking her, but they aren't ready to do that.

Today, she emailed me on my work email, which can be seen by my assistants. She demanded that we meet the day after tomorrow, or else I am throwing away our relationship.

I'm not giving in to her ultimatum. I do not feel at all safe around her. But what should I do and say?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Gosh ihatethesoup! Just read your post and by now the time has passed and I am wondering what you did?

I think it was good that you were not going to give in to the ultimatum. But it is a real worry that she is mixing with people who are encouraging the worst aspects of BPD - the blaming of others (in particular one person often) and the instant move from trigger (however small) to intense abandonment to rage (and sometimes violence).

I haven't really read anything that helps me understand why someone is the focus of the rage. My own opinion is that it is the person that they expect to 'make it better' or 'take the pain away' ie the one who nurtured them and the one they - underneath it all - trust.

You say your dd has moved out and there is a new dynamic in that she is focused on your husband and her older brother.

My opinion is that this is a good thing if only for the reason to give you a break. She has also made contact to your work email demanding you meet or else . . . putting the responsibility on to you.

To me this shows that she can't really cut off from you - at this stage anyway. When I finally was able to see the pattern with my dd, I used to take these 'breaks' as my time to refuel and regroup.

Coming to this site was probably the most important part of my journey. I was really struggling with all the symptoms you see but couldn't join the dots. When I realised the folk here were dealing with the same thing, I realised what I saw and experienced were the symptoms of a really awful mental illness.

I saw:
The unbelievable verbal abuse was part of this illness. Sometimes my dd seemed almost insane as she was abusing me with a torrent of foul language, threats and accusations that were absurd. But this was/is BPD. On the boundary of reality and psychosis and triggered by intense feelings of abandonment.

It is so hard for us to understand - especially when we try so hard to support and nothing seems to be able to make a difference.

But understanding was the first step in my journey - then I had to work out how to deal with it!

The lies and reporting to others about us is another huge issue that folk here talk about a lot. In your case the consequences could be really serious. The reports about me are awful but I try to put them to one side. But it makes another layer of complexity to how you have to deal with all this.

It is so hard when you don't feel safe. I can understand you feeling this way as it seems your dd is involved with people who you really cannot be sure about what they believe etc. I moved into the 'not feeling safe' stage when my dd started using ice heavily with a bf who was dealing (he was quite a disadvantaged young man and I felt sorry for him, but I didn't feel I could connect any more with my dd).

I spend time thinking about how to protect myself in various circumstances. I found this helpful to look at possibilities and work out how to avoid these situations.

In the long run the police were involved here and that was the start of another new stage.

I suppose my journey has been step by step: confusion and exhaustion dealing with the chaos; learning about it and understanding the illness; finding out how to deal with the chaos; finding out how to care for myself.

It is a long and lonely road to travel. Coming here helps. Supporting one another in the family is a great help. Keeping your own life journey on track is essential.

Thank you for posting. Every one who posts lets us know we are not alone.

[ihatethesoup]

Thank you so much! I didn't give in.

Later, when it was time to euthanize the family dog (Pumpkin) because she had inoperable cancer, I did invite my daughter to come to the house and say goodbye to Pumpkin. We set a time to arrive and leave, and all the other boundaries. My son, the eldest, put his foot down and said, "We just had the house blessed not forty-eight hours ago, so a practicing witch is not coming in that door. If you want to let her come here, we do this on the porch." Somehow she was convinced that I manipulated him into saying that. I couldn't manipulate my way out of a wet paper bag, and she has known that and teased me about it forever.

My daughter was half an hour late, and stayed much longer than we agreed. She got in as many digs and jabs as she could, and didn't leave when told to. She tried to push past her brothers, both of whom are built like linebackers, to get into the house. The oldest told her if she shoved him again, he would shove her off of him (she would have tumbled down the concrete steps) and then call the police. She finally left.

That was the second-to-last time I saw her. The last time was in court, when my oldest son filed for an order of protection against her, and the judge denied it because he only grants OOPs when the perpetrator has a firearm and has threatened to murder the victims in the last 48 hours. The narrowest set of criteria ever, I think. She has finally gone away, though, and I hope that she stays away until she grows up and stops thinking it's okay to abuse us.

Thank you for listening and sharing with me!

[Leaf56]

Good for you, ihatethesoup! Well done!

[ihatethesoup]

Thank you so much! It was hard to do, and I know it was the right thing to do. The hug she gave me before she left my house felt great, and I miss her—the real her. Maybe I'll live long enough to see her heal enough to be part of the family again.

[Tangled mangled]

So glad you got the support of her brothers. I like how your eldest prevented her from getting into the house.
There’s a similar thread here on this board, about a bpd daughter too.

You have done really well kicking her out of your home. Hopefully she will get the motivation to seek treatment.

It’s now time to take care of yourself, as hard as it may be, find peace in the fact that you have done the right thing.