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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: How and why did I go back  (Read 5001 times)
Calli

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« Reply #30 on: June 20, 2022, 06:08:04 PM »

How frustrating and unfortunately all too common that it can be challenging to get in.  Here in Canada it’s better certainly (still not the best) I know we are fortunate.  We do have emergency mental health lines to call, not sure if there’s an option like that where you are?  I wonder if any of our moderators or members might have more concrete resources to suggest for you?  In the meantime, please do continue reaching out. We are here for you.
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drumdog4M
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« Reply #31 on: June 20, 2022, 06:29:20 PM »

Besides this website, one of the best resources I have used is listening to the audiobook of "Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist." It really helped me understand what I was going through. I listen to it when I start ruminating.

If you haven't read or listened to it, it might be worth checking out. Keep posting here. We are all here to support you.
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Turkish
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« Reply #32 on: June 20, 2022, 08:48:39 PM »

I live in Northern Ireland,  the waiting list for therapy through the health service and privately is almost one year, I have tried to arrange it but it is proving impossible
I feel cast adrift and completely lost right now
I want to make sense of it but I can't
Because we were so connected prior to this I feel like I've been hit by a train
This chasm has opened and I cannot make sense of anything,  its frightening

Andy1963,

I'm sorry that you feel adrift and lost right now, and have to wait to get support.

We have lines on this side of the pond in north America. I found one for you:

https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/lifeline-freephone-helpline

They have a free number: telephone 0808 808 8000

It might help just to talk to someone there who would be non judgmental and supportive. The call is anonymous as well. We will of course keep supporting you here  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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Andy1963
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« Reply #33 on: June 21, 2022, 01:47:04 AM »

Hi all
Thankyou so much for all your kind words and support , it means everything
This forum really helped me before and one of the most difficult things for me is that I was getting better and stronger last time yet I still let her back in and almost completely forgot everything I had learned  here
I will look into the links and resources you have posted for me , thankyou again for those
I just have to take it day by day
I haven't went NC and I know that's important
I am watching lots of videos and reading articles and they are really helping me gain some perspective
I will be ok
Last year when I lost my mum was the most difficult year of my life and I'm still getting on with life
I think closure, or the lack of it, is one of the hardest parts
Thanks all once again for your support
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Andy1963
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« Reply #34 on: June 21, 2022, 01:03:24 PM »

After 5 weeks of nothing,  a message from her today
Asking how my new job is going and saying to enjoy my sons wedding,  that she had been invited to
What the hell?
After nothing but silence...?
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Turkish
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« Reply #35 on: June 21, 2022, 05:02:35 PM »

After 5 weeks of nothing,  a message from her today
Asking how my new job is going and saying to enjoy my sons wedding,  that she had been invited to
What the hell?
After nothing but silence...?

Is this the son who will never forgive her, or another son that invited her to his wedding?
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Andy1963
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« Reply #36 on: June 21, 2022, 05:12:02 PM »

My younger son,
She was invited to the wedding,  but why send me this
It was just unexpected
Bit I know to expect that
Spoke to a close friend tonight who said ignore,  block,  do not respond its charming
But it had an effect, and definitely knocked me off course
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Go3737
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« Reply #37 on: June 22, 2022, 01:59:13 PM »

We are now seperated for about two months. We spent this past father's Day together at our son's new home with our first granddaughter.
My wife was here for three weeks prior helping with the move in and with the baby. All was peaceful.

The weekend was pleasant. No drama. We slept in the same bed. and sometimes held hands. No other affections. I was frustrated but understood the dynamics of time apart and feeling we both have about it.

She left yesterday to go back home while I stayed for a few days helping with the "man stuff" my son has no time for. And i help with the baby too.

All good.

When she left we hugged tight, she kissed me and told me she loves me.

Then she went out last night to a bar and got very drunk. I spoke with her at 10 PM. Slurring but she was honest about going out.

My boundary has been and is, since i left, that i will not live with her if she is drinking since when drunk is when she rages. She has told me when we are together she will not drink. Yet she drinks during this "separation".

What are the odds of that?

What are the odds that I will be back here in a few weeks saying I left again after an even worse discard like Andy went through?

What are the odds that I will be back here in a few weeks saying we are making it work?

I hate this uncertainty.


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Andy1963
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« Reply #38 on: June 23, 2022, 04:52:05 AM »

Still struggling with everything
Her message didn't help, I believe it was a bit of charming
Need to go NC but I really find that difficult although I know its essential
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Go3737
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« Reply #39 on: June 23, 2022, 06:15:44 AM »

Yes Andy, It is extremely hard to not contact them.
I have major doubts about going back.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #40 on: June 26, 2022, 06:22:20 AM »

Major charming this morning,  message asking me if I've been with anyone since we split
What the hell?...
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Calli

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« Reply #41 on: June 26, 2022, 07:30:36 AM »

Andy,
It’s so difficult when they haunt you like this.  I bet from her perspective she’s hoping to get back together.  She doesn’t have a clue the damage she’s done - from her perspective it’s out of sight, out of mind - or she’s so self-absorbed she doesn’t have empathy or the ability to truly put herself in someone else’s shoes (or she couldn’t bare to face the pain she causes others and chooses not to). 

Phew.  I would urge you not to reply if possible.  (Or somehow let her know you do not want to talk to her - but there’s the risk that if you engage she may see it as her foot’s in the door). so best to ignore and block so you don’t get these messages. 

I’m curious, what was her excuse when you confronted her about the affair?  Did she show any remorse or ask for any forgiveness? 
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Andy1963
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« Reply #42 on: June 26, 2022, 12:35:18 PM »

She has never explained or shown any remorse
I stupidly replied and there has been quite lot of dialogue,  but surprise surprise, she started blaming me for a few things I said in the aftermath, saying what I said was horrible
All I did was point put her cruelty and that I couldn't believe she would do such a horrible thing
I mean, she seems totally devoid of any shame or guilt
Its really upset my day
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Andy1963
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« Reply #43 on: June 26, 2022, 03:03:52 PM »

Such a stressful day
She started off being quite flirtatious,  drawing me in
Then the gaslighting starts
From virtually no communication for weeks she was full on
I actually believe she has other issues besides BPD, her personality totally changes
When we split, the person I had been with had disappeared,  it was if I was a stranger to her
But I recognised this persona from the last time we had a long break
Even the few messages she sent at that time were identical in words to those she sent that time
I scrolled back two years of messages to find them as I thought I was going mad
Then the pattern repeats
When she came back the last time there were a few episodes like today's, very similar message patterns in the weeks before we met again
Some kind and loving, then some gaslighting and blame shifting
Eventually then we met and we got back
So its consistent pattern repetition
I feel like I'm reliving the exact same period, her language,  her use of words, her splitting continuously through the day
Its exhausting
And I guess she caught me at a very vulnerable time, I was trying to distance myself from any thoughts of her, but yesterday was a struggle, really missing her
Strange, I woke up early this morning,  but decided to stay in bed
I have a unique tone on my phone for her messages, as I lay this morning  I thought,  I wonder if I'll ever hear that tone again, what if she messaged this morning?
Then ping...
Its so bizarre
I know everyone will say i need to go NC, but I'm really struggling with that
Bear in mind, up until 5 weeks ago we were a couple who had told eachother that we loved eachother completely
So my void right now is just enormous
Its a terrible illness, I actually truly feel sorry for her, despite everything
The splitting today was off the scale
Got to find a way past this ...
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Calli

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« Reply #44 on: June 27, 2022, 10:45:47 PM »

Hi Andy,

How were things today for you?  I’m not surprised your ex never showed remorse, and this current exchange you’ve had with her also sounds so familiar.  It’s incredible how many of us could tell almost the same story verbatim - it’s enough to make me paranoid that many of us had the exact same ex (how bizarre and what a dark coincidence that would be!)

One thing that occurs to me - I think it’s excellent that you’ve noticed her pattern now - this cycle is clear to you - it makes it harder to fall back into a recycle then, perhaps.  That’s an awakening and a step forward, in my opinion. 

Have you thought about calling the number that was given above?  I wonder if talking to someone aloud will also be helpful during this struggle. 

Here for you
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Rev
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« Reply #45 on: June 28, 2022, 09:13:37 AM »


Then ping...
Its so bizarre
I know everyone will say i need to go NC, but I'm really struggling with that
Bear in mind, up until 5 weeks ago we were a couple who had told eachother that we loved eachother completely
So my void right now is just enormous
Its a terrible illness, I actually truly feel sorry for her, despite everything
The splitting today was off the scale
Got to find a way past this ...

Hey there bud...

Yep... the first weeks are the worst.

Try not to think too far in the future. Day by day - do what ever you need to stay in balance or regain your balance when stuff like this happens.

Keep reaching out here.

Can I offer you a reframe?

You say - gotta to find a way past this.

What would it mean for you to say something like - gotta learn to live with this until it eventually passes? 

Thoughts?

Rev
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Cliffton

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« Reply #46 on: June 28, 2022, 09:52:40 AM »

Hi Andy,

I'm in exactly the same boat mate with what could be the exact same woman -the similarities in their behaviour and acting "to type" are really unbelievable and scary. I too struggle with NC although I understand the rationale, it just doesn't sit right with me breaking communication channels with anyone who has been important in my life let alone my partner of the last 4 years. I'm intent on keeping some distance between us though as living together has been a nightmare - she's left 4 times and the 5th time this Sunday on my request after I couldn't put up with the usual splitting antics all through the day. No one believes you when you tell them; I always get ... well what did you do to start that? what did you do/say? you must have done something. They don't understand that logic and reasoning has no relevance whatsoever to the BPD behaviour swings and patterns..

Hang on in there mate; I'm struggling as well as she's the woman I've felt the most love for throughout my life and I thought I'd won the jackpot. I still say to people (when trying to justify the, to them stupid behaviour, of staying in the relationship) if I was asked on my death bed what woman had I loved the most, laughed the most with, had the best times/sex/holidays with ...the answer would be this one. She'd also be the one who had caused me the most grief.

All the very best.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #47 on: June 28, 2022, 01:48:26 PM »

Thankyou all for your thoughts and support
Things took a step in a very strange direction,  she called me, trying to say that she wouldn't be in communication with me anymore,  then suddenly asking me if I was meeting other woman and how that was going
Told me that the thought of it excited her
Then suggested meeting for a coffee, and then cancelling it all within an hour of the conversation
I truly believe she is having some sort of a breakdown,  she got quite aggressive at one point then in the next breath saying she hated that I was hurting so much
When she rang to say the coffee idea was a bad one she started ranting about how stressful her life was and that I could never understand
Heard practically nothing since then
I am now going to have to focus on me as she is beyond anything I've experienced with her before
However,  I am very worried about her wellbeing,  definitely in a very volatile place
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Rev
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« Reply #48 on: June 28, 2022, 03:09:00 PM »


However,  I am very worried about her wellbeing,  definitely in a very volatile place

Here is one thing that you need to know about her - maybe two or three even.

1) She is showing you what she wants to show you right now. Don't read too much into how volatile she is being.

2) pwBPD are really good at one thing. And that is - knowing how to live with their condition by thinking about themselves first. She doesn't need you to worry about you. She WANTS you to worry about her. Not the same thing. She will find a way to survive.

3) What can you focus on right now to break this cycle?  Put another way, what is your worry serving you right now? 

Hope this helps.

Rev
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Andy1963
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« Reply #49 on: June 28, 2022, 05:18:45 PM »

I understand that everything she is doing right now is completely self serving and pays no regard to me or my feelings
It was everything I could draw from her to get her to acknowledge my pain, but she framed it as a reluctance to want to be responsible for it
At no point did she accept that my pain was caused by her actions and absolutely refused to even accept that the event in question had such a devastating effect on me
Instead she made an issue of me having confronted them and creating a scene, which I actually didn't
Then tried to equate my hurt to a situation a few years ago when a girl we had become acquainted with had sent me a few texts
I hadn't told her at the time because they were totally innocent,  but she discovered the messages and accused me of cheating,  I had barely even messaged the girl
Ever since she made an issue of it, and now she is saying that it equates to what happened lately
How crazy is that
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Rev
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« Reply #50 on: June 28, 2022, 05:43:46 PM »

How crazy is that ----  I must admit that every time I think there's a bottom, something comes along to remind me that it is pretty bottomless.
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Calli

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« Reply #51 on: June 28, 2022, 07:40:30 PM »

Things took a step in a very strange direction,  she called me, trying to say that she wouldn't be in communication with me anymore,  then suddenly asking me if I was meeting other woman and how that was going
Told me that the thought of it excited her

I can understand if that seems out of her usual character that it would make you very concerned for her mental health.  And the way she seems to be swinging back and forth on things like meeting for coffee/communicating. I can see why you would be alarmed, it sounds unstable.

I am now going to have to focus on me as she is beyond anything I've experienced with her before
However,  I am very worried about her wellbeing,  definitely in a very volatile place

In my opinion, you’re on the right track taking a step back and focusing on your own healing.  It sounds like you understand that you’re not her savior, you can’t help her and it’s not your responsibility to do so.  It’s good you know that.  She is an adult, and is capable of taking care of herself. 

As Rev says,
.

1) She is showing you what she wants to show you right now. Don't read too much into how volatile she is being.

2) pwBPD are really good at one thing. And that is - knowing how to live with their condition by thinking about themselves first.

You really can’t trust her - you cannot know whether she’s trying to manipulate you, trying to get you to feel concern so that you pay attention to her - I’m sure she’s craving any and all of the attention types from you and others.  I would view it as a trap, and disengage and distance in whatever ways you can.   I think you realize that now, deep down, and have admitted it to yourself.   She is outside of your ability to help, nor are you obligated in any way to her. 

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, even if it does cause you much concern?  What do you think? 


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Andy1963
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« Reply #52 on: June 29, 2022, 01:29:27 AM »

Yes Calli, I did actually use the phrase blessing in disguise to a friend when discussing it
I know that a long term sustainable relationship with her is impossible , if I'm honest I've probably always known that
Strangely,  after another period of silence she sent me a message just as I was typing my last message on here
Just a random thing about the Elvis movie had I seen it( im a big Elvis fan)
That was it, from the madness of two days, silence then a message out of the blue as if were still best friends
Im staying quiet and keeping myself busy
Thats all I can do at the moment
Still feel as if my head is on upside down though ...
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Go3737
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« Reply #53 on: June 29, 2022, 09:50:31 AM »

This sounds just like what I am going through.
I haven't been home for almost three months. Tonight I go back to "work on things".

Yesterday she texted and called me hundreds of times giving me such PLEASE READ so I shut off my phone and she continued to threaten me and say she is leaving.
Of course this morning she was home and all sweet.

I have voice recorders ready to run before i walk in the door in case she flips out and calls the cops.

The plan is tomorrow morning we tell each other what we need from the other. I am sure she will stick to her guns until I begin to walk out again (i will not unpack my suitcase. Then she will probably cave and agree to my terms... then... I ask for her burner phone which I found out she definitely has... I suspect the major fireworks to begin and I will have to leave and end this.

I would be shocked if she admitted to having the phone.

I spent the last months preparing for divorce should it come to that so i wont be in shock being unprepared.
Lawyer lined up, Separate checking account and PO Box. All important papers stashed outside of home safely.

This is making me sick!

I must admit I am visiting my cousin who is gay (with a partner) and we slept in the same bed at the hotel a couple of nights cuddling only... it felt great as I have not had that for a very long time. I broke down crying last night and she just held me and rocked me and sang me soft songs as I wept.

Wish me luck.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #54 on: July 07, 2022, 05:57:56 PM »

Just an update
Im starting to feel better, I know the advice on here is always NC but for me I find that very difficult
So we have had sporadic communication
My son gets married tomorrow,  she was invited,  although quickly uninvited
She seems obsessed with me buying a new suit and almost begging me to buy one, I have a perfectly good suit so no need but she has now messaged me every day this week , after 6 weeks of nothing
Why this , almost every day, asking have I got a new suit yet, I keep saying no, she keeps saying I need one
Whilst I'm feeling better,  I still love and miss her so much, yet I know there can be no future
I'm beginning to lose the rose tinted memories though and starting to remember all the deeply hurtful things that happened,  either by her actions or her words
My good memories are now being overshadowed,  the fact that we could never resolve minor or any issues because she argued like a child, I know why
My mind is now gravitating towards life being much better without her, because I absolutely know it is
As my sister says, she is someone else's problem now,
Yes, she is still seeing the other guy, but as I said to her in our brief telephone call...what the hell are you doing
Its complete madness
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Andy1963
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« Reply #55 on: July 11, 2022, 03:36:51 AM »

Quite a lot of splitting in the last few days during text communication

One minute I'm good, next I'm the devil

But one line in a text has revealed everything I've known, she has no idea what love is
She said ...

'I did love you, what I understand to be love.'

Thats without doubt the most revealing message I've ever received from her, she has no idea how much it shows her inability to actually love anyone
She often said the words to me, yet her actions and behaviour suggested otherwise
Now I get it ...
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Go3737
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« Reply #56 on: July 11, 2022, 07:31:04 AM »

"she has no idea what love is"

I got that too.
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brighter future
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« Reply #57 on: July 11, 2022, 02:47:34 PM »



'I did love you, what I understand to be love.'

Thats without doubt the most revealing message I've ever received from her, she has no idea how much it shows her inability to actually love anyone
She often said the words to me, yet her actions and behaviour suggested otherwise
Now I get it ...


That statement is very telling, Andy. This made me think of something that my ex said to me roughly 2 months into our relationship. She had met some of my friends a week or two beforehand, and I told her my friends thought she was very nice and personable. Her reply was, "That's nice, but their minds will likely change later on. Once people really get to know me, they end up not liking me. People usually don't stick around too long in my life."

Just yesterday I learned that she is engaged to be married to the guy that she left me for. Prior to that she left him for me, and before that she left her ex-husband and went straight to this guy. While we were in a relationship she told me her relationship with him "was a mistake and was just a rebound". "I slept with him because I didn't know when I was ever going to have sex again. This isn't who I am or who I want to be."  After me, it was just rinse and repeat with him again because that is who she apparently is.  Now he's the love of her life.  Like you said above, "She often said the words to me, yet her actions and behaviour suggested otherwise." Just over two years later, I'm still thankful that it's not me. Better him than me.  Hang in there my friend.
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« Reply #58 on: July 12, 2022, 06:36:16 PM »

Black or white.
That’s all they can give us.
And when someone else can feed the monster who is clueless of the morning after….suffer, then move on.
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Andy1963
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« Reply #59 on: July 15, 2022, 03:58:09 PM »

One if the biggest elements of her condition for me is her absolute short term memory
A few weeks ago she messaged me asking had I seem the new Elvis movie
We communicated for a day or so then silence
Now after another period of silence,  out of the blue, almost exactly the same message
I mean why does it matter,  did I not answer the first time
Is this the start of recycling?
Then she moves on to tell me how much she loves my singing,  and asks for a recording ( i sing a bit)
Yet...she's still with this other guy
Please
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We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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