It's been a hot minute since I posted an update on uBPD MIL.
After 3 years of refusing to visit because I didn't want her to stay overnight, MIL finally came down for the day for a musical our youngest was in. The musical was incredible, kiddo nailed it. Interactions in the lobby though? Twilight zoney.
I think H's fear of his mom plays out in his relationship with his ex. We arrived early. Ex, late as usual, came up to us in line, ignored me, excessive
*gush gush* over seeing MIL, then said to H, "Oh I have a big group coming we want front row seats so we're just gonna scoot in line with you here, or how about you just save us some seats? We need a bunch, second row back." Coulda knocked me over with a feather when H went along with it and asked how many they needed. Ex ended up pushing her boyfriend into line with us so that he could save the seats. Bless boyfriend's heart. How are we not past cutting in line?
When I say *gush gush*, ex acted like she and MIL were long lost best friends, kissing, hugging multiple times throughout the night, laughing and joking and carrying on. MIL basked in it, giving it right back, cracking jokes. They couldn't stand each other when H and ex were married. MIL quit giving us money and now gives ex money for the kids. We didn't need her money but ex loves money. Ex is also no longer a threat to MIL's closeness with her son. It likely makes them both feel good to carry on like that in front of me, too. It makes sense that they're cozy but it's super weird.
After the performance, ex was waltzing around the lobby delightedly saying, "I made that," referring to her daughter who played the lead, the same daughter who worked really hard to get this part, nailed it and deserved her own credit. Even H said it was hard to watch.
Ex brought her best friend and sister, people H and MIL hadn't seen since they divorced 10 years ago, and they were all connecting again. MIL gushed like they were all best friends, even though she's said awful things about them to me. I was thankful it seemed like a positive reconnection for H, and I understand how relieving it can feel to see people again, but I was largely ignored and sidelined. I happily made my way outside to hang out with my introverted step son.
It got me reflecting on the dynamic. MIL is a toll booth, a checkpoint. Whether people are connected to each other is up to her. She can malign you and put you down, disconnecting you, or she can serve as the connection point between you. At no time do you have the freedom to go around her and connect as individuals. It's a contrast from my family, where my mom is just another member, and if anything, serves as consistent glue. She doesn't put herself in power. She doesn't insert herself into my relationships with my siblings. She doesn't put us down to each other. She is happy when we come, and doesn't guilt us when we don't.
Experiences with my H's world always leave me feeling lonely, crazy, small, and like an outsider. If I hadn't been married before into a very loving, accepting in-law family, I would think I was the problem. BPD is so toxic.
Overall, H's patience with his mom ebbs and flows. He gets frustrated with her and I see more cracks in the "mom is perfect, just give her a chance" storyline. At the moment she is working out and getting out with friends, and I can almost hear the sigh of relief from my H. I don't hear as much about her moving down here, but I'm still holding my breath. She's complaining a LOT about the cost of living where she is and can't find a house that's nice enough for her.
So that's my As The World Turns update. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
