Ex with suspected BPD dumped me for third (and final) time

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I wanted to preface this post by saying thank you to the wonderful community on this site. I have been reading many posts and they really pulled me through a bad day today. I am just here to share my story for anyone who finds it helpful.

My (25F) relationship with my ex was my first "out" relationship with a woman. My ex was extremely intense with her affection for me from the start. She candidly told me she struggled with an alcohol substance use disorder but was in counseling for it and her mood disorder (I assumed this was depression/anxiety). She invited me to hang out on a near daily basis within the first month. By 1.5 months I felt comfortable asking to put a label on it and was met with the strangest 180 I had ever experienced. She stated she would never want to date and that she still wanted me in her life. She ended up apologizing and stating she had been crying all night on the phone with her sister. We ended up going back to the unlabeled situationship until 3 months in when I started to push for exclusivity. At 4 months she asked me to be her girlfriend and things took off incredibly.

A few months in, she began expressing confusion about polyamorous feelings and a desire to participate in threesomes. I did not want to invalidate this feeling so I gently stated that I was not comfortable with poly things but I had had a threesome before and would be open to the idea casually. From this point on it became a near weekly topic. It would die down when I was helping her through one of her many crisis' then pick back up. At five months in she suddenly told me she wanted to break up. Within minutes she said she was mistaken and that she did not mean it. Cue honeymoon phase. Towards our one year she began to push heavily for a threesome again. She would cry and say she felt like it was never going to happen, even as we were actively talking to people on hookup apps. She downloaded Tinder and made us an account despite me asking her not to. She ended up "redownloading it to show a friend" which resulted in me getting a text from a friend who saw the profile. I always gave the benefit of the doubt because I never thought she would lie. She began pushing boundaries by texting old romantic interests but omitting the nature of their relationship until days into their now constant communication. At some point, her drinking and smoking escalated severely and became the new normal. She was unable to get through short events without needing weed or booze. I became worn down and confused and finally went through with the threesome. It was unfulfilling for both of us sexually, yet she was eager to do it again. I felt absolutely worthless.

Shortly after what I considered to be the best weekend we had ever had together, she admitted to me that a man had kissed her in a bar the thursday beforehand. I had actually picked her up from the bar that night, her friend was careful to say how they had been dodging men all night.  I struggled with this because I thought it had to do with her drinking problem and did not want to stigmatize her. The story began to fall apart as she explained it, she went to a photobooth that was broken with the man, she "pushed him off," and he asked for a number so she gave him a fake one. Somehow I ended the conversation saying I was sorry someone took advantage of her because clearly that was never her intention. The following week she broke up with me for the second time, in a way I had never seen her act before. She became angry and cold, stating that she could not do better for me. I was incredibly confused but within 20 minutes or so of not being able to get through to her, she finally flipped and said she didn't know why she did that and she was incredibly sorry.

Two weeks ago it was her birthday weekend and we drove to her brothers engagement party 5 hours away. Her family always seemed nice but I felt that her mother likely had some sort of PD, and could be particularly cold to her. Most of the family are alcoholics as well. At the party she spoke to relatives about our future engagement and desires for children. Unfortunately, no one in her family aside from one sister remembered it was her birthday. I attempted to make the best of it and made reservations for a restaurant of her choosing for brunch the following day. Her parents agreed to come, then texted us in the morning that they had already left because they needed to get back to their dog. She was devastated. I did everything I could to try and support her in the following days. I picked her up from bars almost every night and got her home safely. She would ask for me to tuck her in then leave so I did each time.

A few days after, she asked to stop over briefly because she had groceries in her car that could melt. She coldly broke up with me with no warning and in front of my roommates. She stated that she still wanted me in her life but she could not do better for me. I told her this was the last time and that we would not be on speaking terms after this. She accused me of holding her hostage in the relationship in saying so. She then pivoted and asked if she was gaslighting me. She yelled at me at points saying that she never knows how I feel. I told her I felt like I did not deserve this and she angrily stormed out saying she was too frustrated to hear this.

Its been a week and a half now and I have been in shambles. I have maintained NC and set up the return of my belongings through my roommate. I miss our cats terribly. She lives within a mile of me and her best friend/FP lives four doors down. I am severely behind in BAR exam studying and unable to break this depression. I am not worried about my safety, I am just struggling to deal with the helplessness this has impressed upon me.

Thanks for listening.

[lisasimpson]

I wanted to preface this post by saying thank you to the wonderful community on this site. I have been reading many posts and they really pulled me through a bad day today. I am just here to share my story for anyone who finds it helpful.

My (25F) relationship with my ex was my first "out" relationship with a woman. My ex was extremely intense with her affection for me from the start. She candidly told me she struggled with an alcohol substance use disorder but was in counseling for it and her mood disorder (I assumed this was depression/anxiety). She invited me to hang out on a near daily basis within the first month. By 1.5 months I felt comfortable asking to put a label on it and was met with the strangest 180 I had ever experienced. She stated she would never want to date and that she still wanted me in her life. She ended up apologizing and stating she had been crying all night on the phone with her sister. We ended up going back to the unlabeled situationship until 3 months in when I started to push for exclusivity. At 4 months she asked me to be her girlfriend and things took off incredibly.

A few months in, she began expressing confusion about polyamorous feelings and a desire to participate in threesomes. I did not want to invalidate this feeling so I gently stated that I was not comfortable with poly things but I had had a threesome before and would be open to the idea casually. From this point on it became a near weekly topic. It would die down when I was helping her through one of her many crisis' then pick back up. At five months in she suddenly told me she wanted to break up. Within minutes she said she was mistaken and that she did not mean it. Cue honeymoon phase. Towards our one year she began to push heavily for a threesome again. She would cry and say she felt like it was never going to happen, even as we were actively talking to people on hookup apps. She downloaded Tinder and made us an account despite me asking her not to. She ended up "redownloading it to show a friend" which resulted in me getting a text from a friend who saw the profile. I always gave the benefit of the doubt because I never thought she would lie. She began pushing boundaries by texting old romantic interests but omitting the nature of their relationship until days into their now constant communication. At some point, her drinking and smoking escalated severely and became the new normal. She was unable to get through short events without needing weed or booze. I became worn down and confused and finally went through with the threesome. It was unfulfilling for both of us sexually, yet she was eager to do it again. I felt absolutely worthless.

Shortly after what I considered to be the best weekend we had ever had together, she admitted to me that a man had kissed her in a bar the thursday beforehand. I had actually picked her up from the bar that night, her friend was careful to say how they had been dodging men all night.  I struggled with this because I thought it had to do with her drinking problem and did not want to stigmatize her. The story began to fall apart as she explained it, she went to a photobooth that was broken with the man, she "pushed him off," and he asked for a number so she gave him a fake one. Somehow I ended the conversation saying I was sorry someone took advantage of her because clearly that was never her intention. The following week she broke up with me for the second time, in a way I had never seen her act before. She became angry and cold, stating that she could not do better for me. I was incredibly confused but within 20 minutes or so of not being able to get through to her, she finally flipped and said she didn't know why she did that and she was incredibly sorry.

Two weeks ago it was her birthday weekend and we drove to her brothers engagement party 5 hours away. Her family always seemed nice but I felt that her mother likely had some sort of PD, and could be particularly cold to her. Most of the family are alcoholics as well. At the party she spoke to relatives about our future engagement and desires for children. Unfortunately, no one in her family aside from one sister remembered it was her birthday. I attempted to make the best of it and made reservations for a restaurant of her choosing for brunch the following day. Her parents agreed to come, then texted us in the morning that they had already left because they needed to get back to their dog. She was devastated. I did everything I could to try and support her in the following days. I picked her up from bars almost every night and got her home safely. She would ask for me to tuck her in then leave so I did each time.

A few days after, she asked to stop over briefly because she had groceries in her car that could melt. She coldly broke up with me with no warning and in front of my roommates. She stated that she still wanted me in her life but she could not do better for me. I told her this was the last time and that we would not be on speaking terms after this. She accused me of holding her hostage in the relationship in saying so. She then pivoted and asked if she was gaslighting me. She yelled at me at points saying that she never knows how I feel. I told her I felt like I did not deserve this and she angrily stormed out saying she was too frustrated to hear this.

Its been a week and a half now and I have been in shambles. I have maintained NC and set up the return of my belongings through my roommate. I miss our cats terribly. She lives within a mile of me and her best friend/FP lives four doors down. I am severely behind in BAR exam studying and unable to break this depression. I am not worried about my safety, I am just struggling to deal with the helplessness this has impressed upon me.

Thanks for listening.

[Every day]

Good for you for upholding the no contact and realizing how you deserve to be treated, especially as you study for the bar. 

It’s sad to hear that you’ve lost contact with your cats since I’m sure they were a source of comfort for you.  My dog is my constant and helps distract me.

Do you have strategies that you’ve used to help you refocus?  I’ve found getting out of my house and reading, working in a coffee shop or a library helps me when I’m stuck ruminating about my situation with my BPD husband.

[SinisterComplex]

I wanted to preface this post by saying thank you to the wonderful community on this site. I have been reading many posts and they really pulled me through a bad day today. I am just here to share my story for anyone who finds it helpful.

My (25F) relationship with my ex was my first "out" relationship with a woman. My ex was extremely intense with her affection for me from the start. She candidly told me she struggled with an alcohol substance use disorder but was in counseling for it and her mood disorder (I assumed this was depression/anxiety). She invited me to hang out on a near daily basis within the first month. By 1.5 months I felt comfortable asking to put a label on it and was met with the strangest 180 I had ever experienced. She stated she would never want to date and that she still wanted me in her life. She ended up apologizing and stating she had been crying all night on the phone with her sister. We ended up going back to the unlabeled situationship until 3 months in when I started to push for exclusivity. At 4 months she asked me to be her girlfriend and things took off incredibly.

A few months in, she began expressing confusion about polyamorous feelings and a desire to participate in threesomes. I did not want to invalidate this feeling so I gently stated that I was not comfortable with poly things but I had had a threesome before and would be open to the idea casually. From this point on it became a near weekly topic. It would die down when I was helping her through one of her many crisis' then pick back up. At five months in she suddenly told me she wanted to break up. Within minutes she said she was mistaken and that she did not mean it. Cue honeymoon phase. Towards our one year she began to push heavily for a threesome again. She would cry and say she felt like it was never going to happen, even as we were actively talking to people on hookup apps. She downloaded Tinder and made us an account despite me asking her not to. She ended up "redownloading it to show a friend" which resulted in me getting a text from a friend who saw the profile. I always gave the benefit of the doubt because I never thought she would lie. She began pushing boundaries by texting old romantic interests but omitting the nature of their relationship until days into their now constant communication. At some point, her drinking and smoking escalated severely and became the new normal. She was unable to get through short events without needing weed or booze. I became worn down and confused and finally went through with the threesome. It was unfulfilling for both of us sexually, yet she was eager to do it again. I felt absolutely worthless.

Shortly after what I considered to be the best weekend we had ever had together, she admitted to me that a man had kissed her in a bar the thursday beforehand. I had actually picked her up from the bar that night, her friend was careful to say how they had been dodging men all night.  I struggled with this because I thought it had to do with her drinking problem and did not want to stigmatize her. The story began to fall apart as she explained it, she went to a photobooth that was broken with the man, she "pushed him off," and he asked for a number so she gave him a fake one. Somehow I ended the conversation saying I was sorry someone took advantage of her because clearly that was never her intention. The following week she broke up with me for the second time, in a way I had never seen her act before. She became angry and cold, stating that she could not do better for me. I was incredibly confused but within 20 minutes or so of not being able to get through to her, she finally flipped and said she didn't know why she did that and she was incredibly sorry.

Two weeks ago it was her birthday weekend and we drove to her brothers engagement party 5 hours away. Her family always seemed nice but I felt that her mother likely had some sort of PD, and could be particularly cold to her. Most of the family are alcoholics as well. At the party she spoke to relatives about our future engagement and desires for children. Unfortunately, no one in her family aside from one sister remembered it was her birthday. I attempted to make the best of it and made reservations for a restaurant of her choosing for brunch the following day. Her parents agreed to come, then texted us in the morning that they had already left because they needed to get back to their dog. She was devastated. I did everything I could to try and support her in the following days. I picked her up from bars almost every night and got her home safely. She would ask for me to tuck her in then leave so I did each time.

A few days after, she asked to stop over briefly because she had groceries in her car that could melt. She coldly broke up with me with no warning and in front of my roommates. She stated that she still wanted me in her life but she could not do better for me. I told her this was the last time and that we would not be on speaking terms after this. She accused me of holding her hostage in the relationship in saying so. She then pivoted and asked if she was gaslighting me. She yelled at me at points saying that she never knows how I feel. I told her I felt like I did not deserve this and she angrily stormed out saying she was too frustrated to hear this.

Its been a week and a half now and I have been in shambles. I have maintained NC and set up the return of my belongings through my roommate. I miss our cats terribly. She lives within a mile of me and her best friend/FP lives four doors down. I am severely behind in BAR exam studying and unable to break this depression. I am not worried about my safety, I am just struggling to deal with the helplessness this has impressed upon me.

Thanks for listening.

Lisa, welcome to the FAM.  I just wanted to jump in here and let you know we are listening and paying attention. There are no magic words I have that can take away the negative feelings. I'll just be real...we get it here and we know it sucks. However, here is what I want from YOU. First, be kind to YOU. Second, take care of YOU. Focus on those simple overlooked maintenance objectives. Lastly, please continue to vent and post on here and let us help you toward healing and getting your direction back on track. You are not helpless. You can and will overcome this. No more letting anything else get in your way of success. Focus on your studying. Use the emotions you feel and turn them into fuel for motivation and go kick some $$!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[lisasimpson]

Everyday and SinisterComplex,

Thank you for listening to my story! Since my post, I have been working on my happiness and my mental health. I got in with a new counselor who I really like. I decided on pushing back my examination to the next cycle (unfortunately it is only administered twice a year so this is a fairly large delay). However, I think this was what I needed. I spent high school, undergrad, and law school just "pushing through" everything and putting my mental health on the side. It is an ego hit, but in the long term I think I will be happier to spend this time doing the hard work on my mental health. I am working on getting a job that does not require BAR passage for the time being.

I am appreciative of your support in maintaining NC. I haven't had a recycle attempt yet but I am trying to let go of the worry/desire to get that hollow apology. Admittedly, it still feels hollow when I tell myself I am proud of my actions, but everyday is one step closer to actually feeling that pride.  

[Hopeful81]

I want to congratulate you for maintaining your boundaries during the third breakup attempt. It is something I was never really able to do and the breakups and breakup threats got worse and worse. I think you did yourself a great service. You have avoided much grief. That said, it will take you some time (months) to recover from the trauma bond.

P.S. don’t go back unless you can deal with the instability. She will do it again, even if she promises otherwise.

[lisasimpson]

Hopeful,

Thank you for the congratulations, it is appreciated! Im just shy of 5 weeks since the break up now and have maintained NC. Healing has been slow and uncomfortable but for the best. One of the biggest realizations I came to is that despite her medication, counseling, and other efforts, she still hurt me. I don't see anyway she could meaningfully recover even with hard work for the next six months straight, and that would have to be on her own. Her possibility of relapse is very high given her substance use and refusal to stop.  I can't wait on her to hurt me any longer.

Best Wishes!