Healing from scapegoating

[Our abuse recovery guide]

That is hard to know. I think all your decisions need to come from your values and not their reaction or fear of it. If you feel that sending a Christmas card is according to your values then send it. If you don't want to send one but do so out of FOG, or to soothe them in some way, then that's probably being more co-dependent than genuine.

One way I can tell the difference is how I feel about it. I get an icky feeling when I am doing something I don't want to do but because I feel obligated or afraid.

[Notwendy]

That is hard to know. I think all your decisions need to come from your values and not their reaction or fear of it. If you feel that sending a Christmas card is according to your values then send it. If you don't want to send one but do so out of FOG, or to soothe them in some way, then that's probably being more co-dependent than genuine.

One way I can tell the difference is how I feel about it. I get an icky feeling when I am doing something I don't want to do but because I feel obligated or afraid.

[Notwendy]

As to what they tell others about you, you can't control that. It's socially against the norm to have estrangement between parent and their adult child. They can't acknowledge that they may have something to do with this, especially to others. The only way they can avoid being blamed is to make it all your fault/decision. But just because they say something doesn't make it true.

[seekingpeace2day]

I think all your decisions need to come from your values and not their reaction or fear of it.

But just because they say something doesn't make it true.

Thank you, just what I needed to hear.

[livednlearned]

How did you learn radical acceptance?

The hard way  

I think the concept originates from DBT via Marsha Linehan (who developed DBT and is herself someone who has been dx'd with BPD), and she brought it over to DBT from Buddhism. I think of radical acceptance as accepting life as it is, saying yes to what exists, not trying to change it. There may be a lot more depth to it than that, especially when threaded together with the concept of dialectics (e.g. two seemingly opposite things can both be true).

Applying that to family has been a challenge because of the deep yearning to feel validated from the same people who can't.

For me, radical acceptance is the very profound recognition that my family members don't see me, therefore they cannot validate me. I am one dimension. They are tolerating me in two dimensions, but mostly because I have found ways to make that dimension tolerable using different skills and boundaries. The third dimension is a mystery to them and in all likelihood is too threatening because it would require intimacy, something that is largely foreign and to be fought at all costs. Radical acceptance is giving up the dream that this will ever be otherwise.  

Related to this is something that may go together with radical acceptance, or at least make it easier to manifest the way Riv3rW0lf described, as a feeling -- is body-based trauma work similar to what Bessel van der Kolk talks about in The Body Keeps the Score.  

There are multiple paths to get there, but I did somatic experiencing therapy (SET) work (https://traumahealing.org/), which focuses on body-based trauma therapy. It did powerful things to help undue triggers buried in my nervous system. There is radical acceptance, and then there is healing. For me, the two go together.

Where/how did your learn "dimensions" of people? This is a wonderful and helpful paradigm!

It's just a way I explain to myself what I'm doing as I work at a relationship in which there is both radical acceptance and abuse.

And to be candid, it is a nonstop challenge  

[Notwendy]

The first hint of realizing my parents didn't "see" me was as a teen. I was at a friend's house and she was arguing with her parents. I actually thought they had a point to why they were upset. I could see how hurt they were. I came home upset about what I saw. I felt sorry for the parents and thought my friend was being unreasonable. I tried to explain why I was upset and they looked at me with blank stares. They didn't get it. They didn't see what I was trying to share with them.

But I didn't have radical acceptance until my father got sick and passed away. I understand they were struggling with the situation but I was struggling emotionally too.  The way they treated me and the way BPD mother treated me was so emotionally cold, I realized that nobody who knew me would have done that.

It's not that I hold on to resentment or anger at BPD mother. Radical acceptance means not having expectations of people that they can't meet- it means not expecting them them to be different from who they are. It means seeing them accurately. I know now that anyone who could treat me like she did has no idea who I am, or if they do, is so devoid of empathy and this is who they are.

[seekingpeace2day]

It's not that I hold on to resentment or anger at BPD mother.

I can relate to not feeling seen or known.

How did you let go of the resentment? I've been praying for God to remove this as a character defect, and it helps.

[Notwendy]

It takes time and work. Sometimes I feel angry at her, but it's best to not hold on to that.

I think it took being less codependent and less emotionally reactive to her.

It's not the same as forgetting. The way she behaved at the time of my father's passing did change how I saw the relationship. Truly, anyone who knew me would know that the things she did were probably some of the most hurtful things anyone could do, especially at a time like that. I had already been losing hope that there was the possibility of a relationship with her that was more than just meeting her needs but I know now that she can't be that person.

If you ever took lifeguard classes, the first thing they teach you is to not let the drowning person grab you. They are panicking and will take you down with them. One of the main parts of the class was practicing the different ways to get out of someone's grip on you if they grab you, and how to help them safely. But the first lesson is to keep yourself safe and not let them drown you too.

I feel like my mother is an emotionally drowning person. She doesn't think about hurting anyone else because just getting through the day is hard enough for her. A person who is drowning is panicking. They will take you down in that panic. But what use is it to resent them for what they do in that state of mind?

Dad remains a mystery to me. I think on some level he did care about me, but he was so codependent on my mother, it just took all his attention, but as much as he meant to me, I don't know if it was the same for him. I mean I meant something, but he was my Daddy and Dads are heroes to their daughters and yet, his main focus was on my mother. I think it's important to love a spouse but usually both parents also love their kids too but this seemed more about my mother whose needs were priority.  I think it helped me to not resent him to have empathy for what he was going through.

Trying to understand my mother was harder, but I suspect from her behavior that she may have been abused.

Your father may appear all powerful to you. Dads seem that way to kids. Underneath his grand facade is a miserable pathetic person who has to put you down to feel the least bit good about himself.

We can't love anyone if we don't love ourselves. I don't think my mother can love herself. I think people who act like your father must at some level hate themselves and he projects that on to you. Although it feels hurtful, you are the one who is blessed. You can love people and make genuine connections. You feel secure enough that you don't need to put others down to feel good about yourself, and you don't need to drink yourself numb to get relief from your feelings. From this standpoint, I think it is possible to be empathetic for the awful feelings someone like your father has.
 

[seekingpeace2day]

I just reread this thread from August and wanted to say thank you to all the members who posted support. Your words remain remarkably insightful, helpful, and kind.