Will my ex gf pwBPD be happy with her new boyfriend?

[Vinny.eire]

Hi everyone,

So, ex gf discarded me for the 3rd time 3 months ago.
We had an 1year and a half relationship, on and off.

She had a tough upbringing, her father wasn’t loving and caring, and would be very critical of her. Her mom passed away when she was 13, and months after her dad had another woman in the house, and kicked the kids out, so she had to move in with her auntie. She didn’t talk to her dad for many years. Now they have an “ok” relationship, but he still rude to her at times.
She doesn’t have any suicidal behaviour or anger/explosive behaviour. I’d say she is more like a quite borderline, am I right?
During our relationship she was a bit hot and cold. At the beginning, she was all over me, saying I was the best boyfriend, said she loved me etc. after 2 months she started pulling away, and then would discard me. We never fought.
She admitted she had a promiscuous past, she doesn’t like being criticised, and has difficulty in communication. I tried my best but she lack the skills I think. The only time she’d communicate it was on the moment she wanted to breakup.
I felt she didn’t feel a great level of attraction to me. And she for sure thought the grass is greener somewhere else.
So now she is dating someone else, which is hurting me so much, cause I do love the girl, we had a great connection. We are in NC as few weeks ago she said it’s not good for us to be talking as she doesn’t want to give me hopes.
I wonder, will she be a good partner for this new guy? Or her BPD will affect the relationship as it did between us?
Like if she thinks the guys is better looking or has certain qualities I don’t, would it make a difference?
It’s the hardest moment of my life, missing her so much. I’m doing therapy and unfortunately taking medication as I’m into a deep depression.
Thanks everyone.

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[SaltyDawg]

Vinny,

   Welcome to BPD Family.

   I mean to reply sooner, but a belated welcome none the less.

   I will put your questions/comments in italics, and I will respond with my best guess as no one is a mind reader.

So, ex gf discarded me for the 3rd time 3 months ago.
We had an 1year and a half relationship, on and off.

Sounds like symptom number two, unstable relationships.


She had a tough upbringing, her father wasn’t loving and caring, and would be very critical of her. Her mom passed away when she was 13, and months after her dad had another woman in the house, and kicked the kids out, so she had to move in with her auntie. She didn’t talk to her dad for many years. Now they have an “ok” relationship, but he still rude to her at times.

Sound like a lot of trauma, and an invalidating childhood, this is something that is considered to cause BPD.


She doesn’t have any suicidal behaviour or anger/explosive behaviour. I’d say she is more like a quite borderline, am I right?

If she is a borderline, it could be a quiet borderline.  It also can be 'codependent'.


During our relationship she was a bit hot and cold. At the beginning, she was all over me, saying I was the best boyfriend, said she loved me etc. after 2 months she started pulling away, and then would discard me. We never fought.

'never fought', that does not sound like BPD.  However, the hot and cold does sound a lot like 'black/white' thinking which is typical.  


She admitted she had a promiscuous past, she doesn’t like being criticised, and has difficulty in communication. I tried my best but she lack the skills I think. The only time she’d communicate it was on the moment she wanted to breakup.

Promiscuity is a trait; however, no one likes being 'criticised'.  


I felt she didn’t feel a great level of attraction to me. And she for sure thought the grass is greener somewhere else.

Borderlines are usually over the top on levels of attraction initially, and then are the opposite way later on, scalding hot, or ice cold, rarely in-between as you described.


So now she is dating someone else, which is hurting me so much, cause I do love the girl, we had a great connection. We are in NC as few weeks ago she said it’s not good for us to be talking as she doesn’t want to give me hopes.

Her 'logic' seems sound and she sounds like she is being 'honest' with you.  Also, she is not trying to recycle you or h-o-o-v-e-r you back in.  You might want to really think and discern what she is trying to tell you.


I wonder, will she be a good partner for this new guy? Or her BPD will affect the relationship as it did between us?

We are all creatures of 'habit', so the likelihood is strong that she will be the same way with the new guy, and whatever mental health issue she has will affect the relationship similarly.


Like if she thinks the guys is better looking or has certain qualities I don’t, would it make a difference?

It 'might' make a difference if these are the more important love languages and/or emotional needs than what you were able to provide for her.  Every woman is different in their combination of love languages and emotional needs.  Some are 'gold diggers' others are not.


It’s the hardest moment of my life, missing her so much. I’m doing therapy and unfortunately taking medication as I’m into a deep depression.

I know you are grieving the loss of this relationship and you need to cope with your loss.

Best thing for you right now is 'self-care', make sure it includes individual therapy [which you have indicated you are doing], exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.

This could be BPD, or it could be something else.  What other symptom(s) do you see of her being borderline?  There needs to be at least 5 [of the 9] symptoms present, and you did not mention the hallmark symptom.

Take Care.

[Jose Maria]

Sorry my English is not my native language.
I have to answer this, because you are totally confused, just like we all are after a relationship with BPD.
Clearly what you said are all indications that he has BPD, don't even doubt it.
She does not replace you because she finds something better, they are emotional creatures, they can appreciate little about your qualities, just as they loved you without a solid foundation and discarded you in the same way, it happens to them with the next one.
Many times even what they are looking for is someone of lesser value, because it is easier for them not to abandon them, it is not by chance that many here say that their pwBPD was out of their league. And the same has happened to me with the 2 BPDs that I dated, very far in terms of attractiveness with the other women I was in a relationship with.
So don't feel bad for the next guy, you'll go through the same cycles and you could be there in any recycling too if you wanted to, it's more like maybe in that intermittent relationship there was this other guy in the middle of the breaks.

[Gutt3rSnipe]

Hi everyone,

So, ex gf discarded me for the 3rd time 3 months ago.
We had an 1year and a half relationship, on and off.

She had a tough upbringing, her father wasn’t loving and caring, and would be very critical of her. Her mom passed away when she was 13, and months after her dad had another woman in the house, and kicked the kids out, so she had to move in with her auntie. She didn’t talk to her dad for many years. Now they have an “ok” relationship, but he still rude to her at times.
She doesn’t have any suicidal behaviour or anger/explosive behaviour. I’d say she is more like a quite borderline, am I right?
During our relationship she was a bit hot and cold. At the beginning, she was all over me, saying I was the best boyfriend, said she loved me etc. after 2 months she started pulling away, and then would discard me. We never fought.
She admitted she had a promiscuous past, she doesn’t like being criticised, and has difficulty in communication. I tried my best but she lack the skills I think. The only time she’d communicate it was on the moment she wanted to breakup.
I felt she didn’t feel a great level of attraction to me. And she for sure thought the grass is greener somewhere else.
So now she is dating someone else, which is hurting me so much, cause I do love the girl, we had a great connection. We are in NC as few weeks ago she said it’s not good for us to be talking as she doesn’t want to give me hopes.
I wonder, will she be a good partner for this new guy? Or her BPD will affect the relationship as it did between us?
Like if she thinks the guys is better looking or has certain qualities I don’t, would it make a difference?
It’s the hardest moment of my life, missing her so much. I’m doing therapy and unfortunately taking medication as I’m into a deep depression.
Thanks everyone.

I agree with Salty. From what you’ve telling us it doesn’t particularly ring many bpd alarms. They go in cycles, idealize, devalue, discard, and possibly recycle. Her idealize phase should have definitely been noticeable. They are usually very forward and open (too open) with their partners at first. She would’ve  treated you like you’re perfect, and the things she would say about you would reflect her views of you in that regard. Basically she’d exaggerate your positives and fail to see many negatives, if any.

Now during the devalue stage you would see a drastic change in her personality and view of you. It could be something simple that could set her off down this path (or nothing even based in reality). During your relationship she’s been looking for signs that you’d end up leaving her. Eventually she’ll find them, or misinterpret/ fabricate something you did to show her you’re not right for her and you’ll leave. She would be much colder & distant. Un rational, unreasonably jealous, quick to anger or take offense, unstable emotions, and testing you would most likely happen. You’d definitely be able to tell a stark difference in her view of you.

Obviously we’re not fit to diagnose her, but to me from what you told doesn’t sound like she has bpd to me. Of course I could be wrong, there’s no way to tell for certain. Either way a break up is a break up and I feel for you man. My ex turned my world upside down and sent me spiraling into a depression too. She blames me for literally everything wrong that happened and won’t give me an inch. Left me for her long term ex that she “hated” and was “abusive”. She went from love of my life to someone who barely seems able to stand me for no legitimate reason. Trust me, I feel your pain. Don’t give up, this forum is a good place to get things off your chest. Pook and Salty are good people’s who are helping me a lot to get though this nightmare. I’m sure you’ll find people on here who will do the same for you man.

[Notwendy]

Hi everyone,

I wonder, will she be a good partner for this new guy? Or her BPD will affect the relationship as it did between us?
Like if she thinks the guys is better looking or has certain qualities I don’t, would it make a difference?
It’s the hardest moment of my life, missing her so much. I’m doing therapy and unfortunately taking medication as I’m into a deep depression.
Thanks everyone.

I think it can feel hurtful to think someone else is going to get the benefits of the "good side" of your ex partner only, as if they somehow are a better match than you are. Do they have that quality to do this that you don't? Probably not. If someone has BPD- this is an issue about them, not other people.

I don't think it's possible to know exactly what goes on between two people. However, if your ex does have BPD, there is a pattern to these relationships- the starting out as wonderful and then a devaluation.

It's said that the BPD behaviors involve the most intimate of relationships. At first, two people don't really know each other that well, but as the relationship progresses, it's likely to involve the BPD behaviors. Since one aspect is projection, it really doesn't matter what the guy looks like or other features- the projections influence their perception.

If a person has disordered relationship skills- this will influence all their relationships. It may not be as apparent in casual relationships, or a new relationship at first but the most likely outcome is that if your ex has BPD, she will have similar dynamics with this new relationship.