Anyone Know if BPD Daughters Focus Negatively On One Person Who’s Been Kindest?

[Amoverthis]

Hi all and sorry for the long title! My almost 19 year old most likely has BPD and has been even more difficult since my ex husband walked out just over  2 years ago. Add to the horror, I am the Scapegoat of my Narcissistic Mother’s mess and they’ve taken my daughter into the family along with my abusive ex husband.

My daughter has been hot and cold since but hasn’t cut me off since December 2022. Last night she blocked me on everything after I’d told her a few things that needed to be said.

I’m the most stable person in her life and always have been, but she has it in for me the most. Her father in comparison is abusive and there’s been police involvement with the way he’s treated her over the past two years. Now he’s all good and I’m all bad. She tries her absolute hardest with him, desperate to please him. And yet with me she seems to think she can treat me however she likes and I’ll just have to take it.

Anyone know why they seem to pick on the most stable loving parent?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Amoverthis
It's something that has puzzled me for quite a long time. I am the only stable person in my dd's life - the only one willing to hang in there against all odds, yet I am the target of blame for absolutely everything and can't suggest anything etc etc. DD also interprets anything I say or do as abandonment.

In my take on things, the BPD person's brain is somehow wired in a similar way to a toddler - but much more extreme. The emotions are out of control and triggered by anything - especially a 'no' or something directed to them, and there is very little rational thinking capacity to outweigh the emotional deluge.

Somehow my DD expects me to 'make everything better' - and of course I can't. She can't face honest facts because she has such a small sense of self that it makes her feel like she is 'nothing'.

Of course there is a spectrum of BPD and they vary so much with individuals. My DD is pretty low functioning with co-morbidities so these symptoms have little to lessen them.

I think they chase approval from others because they desperately need to separate - so they push away from the one who is the steady support, trying to move into adult independence. So, so often I think to myself 'If only DD would listen to me, trust me to guide her and help her through this' - but all that is lost in an instant when the slightest thing happens and off we go again.

Last week saw some awful events here, and DD in a frail and vulnerable state. I was so moved. But by now even when I am so moved there is a small voice inside me that tells me it won't be long before I am the target. I was right!

So I am not so much on the rollercoaster - don't suggest, advise, comment etc. I am just here - and I hope under all the chaos and pain, that means something.

[BPDstinks]

WOW!  this is so very interesting to me!  I have pondered this!  My 24 y/o BPD (key word: was) sooo close to me, we did EVERYthing together, to the point of me sleeping over, at least twice a week; than, ZERO warning, she just stopped speaking to me (I am so sad, alll the time), however, i am just trying to be patient, waiting for her to "return", she has cut ties with her father, me, her non BPD sister, her nieces (whom she ADORED) I truly do not understand; the only thing I am starting to realize, it might have something to do with the fact I told her I would help pay her college bill, NOT knowing how much it WAS!!! (that was a very ugly episode) that turned into her telling people i was "toxic" and I was not "present" when she was a child (yet, she also told me I was "smothering" her and if I persisted to text and call her she would get a restraining order (she gave me HER keys to her apartment, in case of an emergency) than, the last time I saw her (5/24/23) demanded the keys back; it is just such a sad waste of time, we could be together, sigh...I am very sorry for your troubles, it is just the WORST

[MostlyOkay]

I have been on this roller coaster with my 24yo DD for 12 years.  Today, my focus is on building my own life, grieving the loss, feeling sad when sadness comes up.  I am careful not to spin my disappointment into control, or bitterness, or rage, or any of the other harmful things I used to do to my family because the whole thing just felt so, so terrible.

Today, I am committed to working my own program so I don't jump in the next time she wants to be best friends.  Because its coming.  Right now, she has no use for me, but that's temporary.  Eventually, I'll be back to "best mom ever" status.  When that time comes, I want to enjoy it for what it actually is, and not give her any money.  That might shorten the duration of our next round, but I anticipate that it might be less painful for me.

[BPDstinks]

I cannot help but focus on the "best mom" ever...i have all of these bday cards that say that and i know there have been countless times where BPD has said that (and moments where she was truly KIND and sweet) I always have the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling

[Amoverthis]

To all the incredibly lovely commenters on here…. Thank you so very much for your insight. It has helped me so very much to know that this type of behaviour from a BPD daughter is very typical. I too can relate to the ‘best friend’ status only to be discarded again.

Also the analogy of a BPD’s brain being like that of a toddler is very valid. My daughter is just a mess so why do I even expect to hope for anything different.

She is so committed to my ex husband and he can do quite serious things but she never cuts him off for long. Guess he is the one who’s more challenging to win over for her whereas she knows my love is unconditional.

From reading posts on this forum, I am beginning to regret committing the cardinal sin of JADE. I should have just kept quiet and gone along with the nonsense knowing it was a tumbled out mess on her behalf. Having said that, I am absolutely sick of her sucking me back into this dysfunction with my so called family and ex husband because she refuses to break contact with them. Instead she tells me if she wants a relationship with me, I have to accept she will be having contact with people who have hurt me. She claims they haven’t hurt her, only me, so what is my big problem.

I guess the worrying thing for me is that she hasn’t blocked me for so long and I thought we’d got past all of that. But we haven’t and we’re right back there again. This time I fear it will be forever. I’ve tried to defend myself and have now realised I just shouldn’t have gone down that path….

[Ourworld]

Hi Friends, after a very spoiled and pampered life as an only child after my daughter graduated from college and no longer needed my financial support and when I returned from a 3-year tour of working overseas (military-civil service), she totally blocked me. She told me she was going to do this; it has been 11 years now.
She married a guy who became her best friend who had severe PTSD and schizophrenia that was 100% service connected. They got married while I was gone, but it was in complete secrecy from their own friends and my family (who she still talks to-albeit only to ask for money).

Anyway, I am a theologian now and will be going overseas by the end of the year for missionary work-which her husband has said she thinks it is absolutely ridiculous!
I would like to offer my bit of a take on the question of ‘do BPD daughters focus negatively on on person who is kindest to them?’.
She has blocked her husband who became her confidant once she blocked me because he had a psychotic breakdown last year, and after about 6 months she finally left. Her husband communicates with me via messenger, and he is truly getting his life together the best he can, and hopes to move soon.
So, depending upon the age and circumstances with your daughter it seems like anyone that they become attached with to care for them, is who they block and focus negatively on-she has even accused him of emotional abuse-he has admitted that their marriage was not healthy-he said that she had yelled and hit him-he said he did not always speak back kindly, but he was never abusive to her in any way. I believe him, because he is a highly intelligent person like her, loves her deeply, he is very laid back and non-abusive.
I hope that helps.

I do not know if she will ever contact me again, it could be when I am overseas, if she can get through, but she could always go to my sister or brother and they would help her-I have made sure they are both aware of her problem.
Blessings, live your life, Ourworld

[Ourworld]

Amoverthis, I forgot to mention that my daughter is an extremely high functioning person who seems to have silent BPD that resulted after her father deserted us when she was 11 years old (he died a few years later, but I did not think she would care). I did not actually notice a change in her behavior until she was 15, and I attributed this to her age.
Once she went away to college a few years later she had back-to-back traumas. I guess I should have figured something was wrong.

Ourworld

[Ourworld]

Oh, one more thing, because of her husband’s own illness, that she refused to understand, she felt abandoned by him. He also told me that he had also stopped buying her expensive designer stuff.

Ourworld

[Ourworld]

Hi Friends, after a very spoiled and pampered life as an only child after my daughter graduated from college (finally!), she no longer needed my financial support and when I returned from a 3-year tour of working overseas (military-civil service), she totally blocked me.
She told me she was going to do this; it has been 11 years now.
She married a guy who became her best friend who had severe PTSD and schizophrenia himself that is 100% service connected and testicular cancer. They got married while I was gone, but it was in complete secrecy from their own friends and my family (who she still talks to-only to ask for money).

Anyway, I am a theologian now and will be going overseas by the end of the year for missionary work-which her husband has said she thinks it is absolutely ridiculous!
I would like to offer my bit of a take on the question of ‘do BPD daughters focus negatively on one person who is kindest to them?’.
She has blocked her husband who became her confidant once she blocked me because he had a psychotic breakdown last year, and after about 6 months she finally left. Her husband communicates with me via messenger, and he is truly getting his life together the best he can, and hopes to move soon. She did help him through his cancer surgeries and treatments, but refused to acknowledge his mental illness afterwards and began ignoring him.
So, it seems like anyone that they become attached with that cares for them, is who they block someday and she will focus negatively on them too-she has even accused him of emotional abuse-he has admitted that their marriage was not healthy-he said that she had yelled and hit him-he said he did not always speak back kindly, but he was never abusive to her in any way. I believe him, because he is a highly intelligent person like her, loves her deeply, he is very laid back and non-abusive.
I hope that helps.

I do not know if she will ever contact me again, it could be when I am overseas, if she can get through, but she could always go to my sister or brother and they would help her-I have made sure they are both aware of her problem.

Blessings, live your life, Ourworld