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Author Topic: Ended 2.5 Year Relationship-Struggling With If I Did the Right Thing  (Read 2505 times)
Hamster411

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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« on: September 09, 2022, 04:30:57 PM »

Hi all, I've been lurking here over the past 3 weeks I've gone no contact with my ex pwBPD. We met when she was 22 and I was going on 26, so 4 years apart in age. She was my first serious relationship and we clicked from the start. She was upfront with her diagnosis, took meds, and told me she had done therapy and DBT. I noticed flags at the start, she did not take the meds correctly all the time, drank and smoked weed, but I looked past it because I believe she is a good person, just sick (still do). She ended up moving in with me and my mom (living at home to save for a house). We all got along and were like our own little family since both our families are not very close. There were bumps along the way of course with mood swings and anger, but I felt it was manageable because at the end of the day we loved each other very much. I never felt she hated me or anything like I have unfortunately read on other posts. We'd argue and she would get annoyed but it was not completely out of control in my opinion. Over the 2 years, she had some medication changes and therapy changes and I struggle with wondering if that was where the spiral began. She had not been in DBT during our relationship, only individual therapy, which was also a big mistake.

A few months ago I noticed her mood swings and anger getting more unbearable. She also seemed manic, paranoid, psychotic and delusional at times, all mild though in my opinion until the very end. She ended up having problems with work and lost her job, went on a spending spree and spent her savings/accumulated credit card debt. Lastly, she began having hallucinations about being pregnant. She had to be inpatient hospitalized twice, a month apart. She eventually stated she could no longer live at home and left. I was worried and emotionally exhausted at this point and decided to step away and go no contact.

I struggle with the decision. Most times, she was very sweet and enjoyed staying at home, spending time with our cat, scrapbooking, photo editing, decorating our room and watching her favorite shows. I loved that. However, her anger would rise up and cause issues. I never felt that she hated me though and that was what kept me motivated to work through things. I wonder if I pulled the plug too early before she could turn it around. At the end she was going to individual and DBT therapy, quit smoking weed, joined AA and was about to begin her outpatient therapy program (until she was hospitalized for the second time after the pregnancy hallucinations). Could we have turned it around and been a success story? I care for her very much still and wish her nothing but the best, I feel she is a good person.
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Hamster411

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2022, 08:06:37 PM »

Bumping because I am struggling with feelings of reaching out and trying to make it work. When things got too overwhelming I told her I had to step back and blocked her number (she could still reach me on email, FB etc. though.) Last I heard she said she wanted me to have peace. She hasn’t tried to charm me or anything like that. I just miss everything we would do together, and our plans for the future. I see her everywhere around me in things I see when I’m out around town. I am just having feelings of wanting to go back but I know that most likely would not be healthy. If anyone could chime in their thoughts on my situation it would mean so very much to me. I feel like those on this forum understand my situation more than any of my support group because you have been through this. Please help.
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jaded7
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« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2022, 08:52:16 PM »

Hi all, I've been lurking here over the past 3 weeks I've gone no contact with my ex pwBPD. We met when she was 22 and I was going on 26, so 4 years apart in age. She was my first serious relationship and we clicked from the start. She was upfront with her diagnosis, took meds, and told me she had done therapy and DBT. I noticed flags at the start, she did not take the meds correctly all the time, drank and smoked weed, but I looked past it because I believe she is a good person, just sick (still do). She ended up moving in with me and my mom (living at home to save for a house). We all got along and were like our own little family since both our families are not very close. There were bumps along the way of course with mood swings and anger, but I felt it was manageable because at the end of the day we loved each other very much. I never felt she hated me or anything like I have unfortunately read on other posts. We'd argue and she would get annoyed but it was not completely out of control in my opinion. Over the 2 years, she had some medication changes and therapy changes and I struggle with wondering if that was where the spiral began. She had not been in DBT during our relationship, only individual therapy, which was also a big mistake.

A few months ago I noticed her mood swings and anger getting more unbearable. She also seemed manic, paranoid, psychotic and delusional at times, all mild though in my opinion until the very end. She ended up having problems with work and lost her job, went on a spending spree and spent her savings/accumulated credit card debt. Lastly, she began having hallucinations about being pregnant. She had to be inpatient hospitalized twice, a month apart. She eventually stated she could no longer live at home and left. I was worried and emotionally exhausted at this point and decided to step away and go no contact.

I struggle with the decision. Most times, she was very sweet and enjoyed staying at home, spending time with our cat, scrapbooking, photo editing, decorating our room and watching her favorite shows. I loved that. However, her anger would rise up and cause issues. I never felt that she hated me though and that was what kept me motivated to work through things. I wonder if I pulled the plug too early before she could turn it around. At the end she was going to individual and DBT therapy, quit smoking weed, joined AA and was about to begin her outpatient therapy program (until she was hospitalized for the second time after the pregnancy hallucinations). Could we have turned it around and been a success story? I care for her very much still and wish her nothing but the best, I feel she is a good person.

Hi Hamster, as I get ready for my evening ritual of reading and trying to forget about my ex (reading helps, so does cbd in the evening) I just want to say that I hear you and feel the pain. It's so hard to know if you've done the right thing, so hard to know if you maybe caused some of this, so hard to let go of something you really values and someone you loved.

I know this, we all do. It's very hard. That's why these boards are here. They've been helpful to me when I feel lonely and hopeless.

I'll note that you describe a person who had a very serious mental break it seems, way more than what I've seen/read/heard about BPD. Plus, she has drug and alcohol issues. Plus she lost her job and ran up huge debts.

I wonder if she has something else besides BPD going on, and you KNOW that she was diagnosed with that. And that is enough to ruin a relationship and ruin a partner.

If you haven't, there are some really good articles on this site. I go back to them now and again. But remember, it's much easier to recall the good times, the close times...these seem to take up so much space in our minds because they were so meaningful to us.

But you describe some pretty bad times. Anger, criticism, etc.

Take care, and I'll look in the morning. There are some other people here who are way more knowledgeable than me, hopefully you'll hear from them too.
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SinisterComplex
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Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2022, 10:57:46 PM »

Hi all, I've been lurking here over the past 3 weeks I've gone no contact with my ex pwBPD. We met when she was 22 and I was going on 26, so 4 years apart in age. She was my first serious relationship and we clicked from the start. She was upfront with her diagnosis, took meds, and told me she had done therapy and DBT. I noticed flags at the start, she did not take the meds correctly all the time, drank and smoked weed, but I looked past it because I believe she is a good person, just sick (still do). She ended up moving in with me and my mom (living at home to save for a house). We all got along and were like our own little family since both our families are not very close. There were bumps along the way of course with mood swings and anger, but I felt it was manageable because at the end of the day we loved each other very much. I never felt she hated me or anything like I have unfortunately read on other posts. We'd argue and she would get annoyed but it was not completely out of control in my opinion. Over the 2 years, she had some medication changes and therapy changes and I struggle with wondering if that was where the spiral began. She had not been in DBT during our relationship, only individual therapy, which was also a big mistake.

A few months ago I noticed her mood swings and anger getting more unbearable. She also seemed manic, paranoid, psychotic and delusional at times, all mild though in my opinion until the very end. She ended up having problems with work and lost her job, went on a spending spree and spent her savings/accumulated credit card debt. Lastly, she began having hallucinations about being pregnant. She had to be inpatient hospitalized twice, a month apart. She eventually stated she could no longer live at home and left. I was worried and emotionally exhausted at this point and decided to step away and go no contact.

I struggle with the decision. Most times, she was very sweet and enjoyed staying at home, spending time with our cat, scrapbooking, photo editing, decorating our room and watching her favorite shows. I loved that. However, her anger would rise up and cause issues. I never felt that she hated me though and that was what kept me motivated to work through things. I wonder if I pulled the plug too early before she could turn it around. At the end she was going to individual and DBT therapy, quit smoking weed, joined AA and was about to begin her outpatient therapy program (until she was hospitalized for the second time after the pregnancy hallucinations). Could we have turned it around and been a success story? I care for her very much still and wish her nothing but the best, I feel she is a good person.

Hey Hamster, welcome.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post). Sorry there have been some technical difficulties. Beyond that I am happy you have found us, but sorry for the circumstances that put you in the position to find us. You are definitely safe here and in the right place. Vent as much as you need to. Ask as many questions as you have to. Most importantly, do you and please be kind to you and take care of yourself ok.

We are paying attention and listening.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Through Adversity There is Redemption!
Hamster411

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2022, 02:54:39 PM »

Hey Hamster, welcome.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post). Sorry there have been some technical difficulties. Beyond that I am happy you have found us, but sorry for the circumstances that put you in the position to find us. You are definitely safe here and in the right place. Vent as much as you need to. Ask as many questions as you have to. Most importantly, do you and please be kind to you and take care of yourself ok.

We are paying attention and listening.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Thank you Sinister for the response. I am grateful to have found this place, I have been reading from here every night and wish I had found it during my time with my pwBPD. But yes, tomorrow will be a month since things ended and I have struggled everyday. I've made sure to go out and do things I like but I am mostly doing them alone, and the feelings of loneliness are what make this so difficult. I have been a loner for most of my life, and really am only close with my mom and one close friend in my town, other good friends all live far away. I had always wanted to have a relationship before I met my pwBPD but it just hadn't happened yet. So when we met, and clicked, I was excited and enjoyed her company and sharing my love with someone, since I had been alone for so long and waiting for someone to share it with. In the 2.5 years we were together we did everything together, we traveled the country, shared new experiences, lived together; she was truly my best friend.

When I met her, she was recently unemployed due to Covid and as mentioned above, aware of her BPD and taking meds, but not taking them correctly (either missing dosages or taking too much Klonopin/Adderall), and drinking and smoking. I noticed these things, but looked past it because I felt I saw the good in her, she had potential in my eyes, she was young, smart, pretty, quirky and shy (which I found cute) and seemed like a normal girl in her early 20s for the most part to me. After about 6 months of dating, her lease was expiring and I asked if she would like to move in with me and my mom. We have a large 2 story home and the second floor is basically like my apartment. Prior to me asking that, she had been coming over and staying at the house for days at a time anyway so it just felt like a natural next step. I also thought if she lived in a stable and healthy household, perhaps some of the habits I did not care for would recede (I realize how this comes off as naive). She agreed and came to live with us. Although I will admit she did have reservations since she had told me that she had always had problems living with roommates in the past and didn't want to have any issues like that with us.

So she moved in and over the 2 years she was living with me, I saw her get a good job at a good company (promoted as well), graduated college and was studying for grad school, she took her meds regularly, got off of Klonopin and eventually Adderall as well, and got her drinking under control (we would go out on a Friday after work and that was all, if we missed that day we would wait until the following week). She did not do this all completely on her own, it took a lot of persistence on my end and convincing, but it did happen. She was in individual therapy on and off but it became more consistent about halfway through the relationship, after we decided to change the therapist and psychiatrist (she had been with them for a long time but appeared to just be getting by, and the doctor would prescribe whatever she wanted which was troublesome). I regret not pushing her to be in DBT the entire time, but she would always say that she didn't have time for it because of work.

So the progress I saw above gave me so much hope and helped me weather the storms when they would come up. I still look at that and say maybe she was high functioning, and with the right therapy/med schedule we could make it work. I am 28 now and feel like I see my friends in stable relationships, getting homes, married etc. and I want all of that so badly as well. I felt I was building towards that in my relationship with my pwBPD since we would often talk of these things. Having to face the idea of starting all over, knowing how lonely I was before I met her as well, is extremely overwhelming and gets me down. I wanted to do all those things with her, we considered ourselves soulmates and spoke of how we were meant to find each other and all these sweet things that hurt me to think about now. Any input you can provide on my story and future progress would be greatly appreciated, I will answer any questions you may have as well if you would like to dive deeper, I see it as a way for me to face the trauma and unpack things so I can recover.

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Hamster411

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2022, 07:43:57 PM »

Hi Hamster, as I get ready for my evening ritual of reading and trying to forget about my ex (reading helps, so does cbd in the evening) I just want to say that I hear you and feel the pain. It's so hard to know if you've done the right thing, so hard to know if you maybe caused some of this, so hard to let go of something you really values and someone you loved.

I know this, we all do. It's very hard. That's why these boards are here. They've been helpful to me when I feel lonely and hopeless.

I'll note that you describe a person who had a very serious mental break it seems, way more than what I've seen/read/heard about BPD. Plus, she has drug and alcohol issues. Plus she lost her job and ran up huge debts.

I wonder if she has something else besides BPD going on, and you KNOW that she was diagnosed with that. And that is enough to ruin a relationship and ruin a partner.

If you haven't, there are some really good articles on this site. I go back to them now and again. But remember, it's much easier to recall the good times, the close times...these seem to take up so much space in our minds because they were so meaningful to us.

But you describe some pretty bad times. Anger, criticism, etc.

Take care, and I'll look in the morning. There are some other people here who are way more knowledgeable than me, hopefully you'll hear from them too.

Hi Jaded thanks for the response, I believe she had depression, anxiety and ADHD, in addition to the BPD, but I wondered how severe her BPD actually was, or if she just displayed traits, because as I’ve said, she was able to keep it together a lot of the time. I also thought she was doing better when she was on adderall (wasn’t abusing because I was in control of the meds) but the new docs wanted to move her over to straterra instead. Wonder if that had anything to do with the spiral. She seemed noticeably more stressed and work and quit studying for grad school once she was off adderall.

I’ve also looked at the role I played and believe I did enable her too much. As I mentioned, I took on the responsibility of meds, as well as reminding her about hygiene, keeping her things clean, washing and putting away her clothes, things like that. At times it felt like I was more of a parent then her partner. I did these things because I wanted to do everything I could to avoid problems and keep things as “normal” as I could. Opinions on this? I felt like when I poured my energy into maintaining things like this it was working and bearable. When I started getting tired at the end and stepping back is when things really started slipping.

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jaded7
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Relationship status: unclear
Posts: 394


« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2022, 05:20:27 PM »

Hi Jaded thanks for the response, I believe she had depression, anxiety and ADHD, in addition to the BPD, but I wondered how severe her BPD actually was, or if she just displayed traits, because as I’ve said, she was able to keep it together a lot of the time. I also thought she was doing better when she was on adderall (wasn’t abusing because I was in control of the meds) but the new docs wanted to move her over to straterra instead. Wonder if that had anything to do with the spiral. She seemed noticeably more stressed and work and quit studying for grad school once she was off adderall.

I’ve also looked at the role I played and believe I did enable her too much. As I mentioned, I took on the responsibility of meds, as well as reminding her about hygiene, keeping her things clean, washing and putting away her clothes, things like that. At times it felt like I was more of a parent then her partner. I did these things because I wanted to do everything I could to avoid problems and keep things as “normal” as I could. Opinions on this? I felt like when I poured my energy into maintaining things like this it was working and bearable. When I started getting tired at the end and stepping back is when things really started slipping.



You're welcome Hamster. I hope you are doing better today.

I do not know of any medications used to treat BPD, although I'm not a medical expert. I've done a ton of reading and video viewing and have never seen a specific medicine for BPD. DBT is the only treatment I've ever seen for BPD. Which, to me at least, means she has a lot more going on than BPD.

Which means...you wanted to take care of her, or at least care for her to the extent you didn't encounter problems. Which is the very essence of codependency (which is a very big and complex topic, but one most of us here have explored in ourselves because it seems to explain why we were such caretakers and so willing to take the verbal and emotional abuse, the accusations and the ups and downs).

And of course you began to get tired and feel like you were giving so much, because you were. As I read your response I kept thinking of 'walking on eggshells". Not sure what would happen next, what accusation would come next, why she's mad at you now, etc...

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Hamster411

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Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2022, 09:35:27 PM »

Today marked one month since the last time we spoke or saw each other (which was during her psychotic breakdown unfortunately). I did not get much closure at all, and made the decision to block her number and go no contact ever since. I struggle with guilt over if that was too harsh, but I was just so emotionally exhausted at the time. However, I did not block her email, she knows all my emails because she would send me messages from work at times when her phone would die.

I have just been wondering if fear of abandonment or being alone is such a hallmark of BPD why hasn’t she tried to email me or write me a letter? I’ve seen her write letters to others before while we were together, that she had not spoken to in a while, old friends. When things broke down, she told me she wanted to stop hurting me, stop dragging me down, that I deserved peace, and that she hoped she would hear from me again. Do you think she was genuine with this and that’s why she hasn’t reached out? I truly believe she loved me up until the very end, and has been thinking of me like I’ve been thinking of her. To be honest, the thought of her moving on gets me very sad because I still care about her very much. My heart still tells me it wants to reach out to her and tell her let’s do this together because we are soulmates and I meant everything I ever said when I said I love you. But my brain tells me this will not get better, she has years of working on herself ahead, and I don’t see a future with a stable marriage and children with her (this is why I walked away). Please give me your thoughts and input thanks.
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Hamster411

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2022, 12:38:56 PM »

Hi all, writing here because I am feeling so very lonely today. I am ruminating and wondering if my life for the last 2 years was a lie. Were our sweet memories real? Were the words spoken meaningless? I put so much of myself into the relationship, and gave so much love. I hung in there through the bumps because I knew the pain of being alone would be much worse for me. Unfortunately I am now alone and struggling with how to deal with it. I miss my partner, the goals we had and the future we spoke about. I know it’s irrational, but I feel like I will never meet anyone else, or that it will take years. I don’t think I can handle years of loneliness, like I was before we met. I just feel very down and depressed today. I have remained busy but have not formed any new friendships in this past month, I have been going to social gatherings but just feel like another face in the crowd. I miss not having to worry about any of this when we were together, we had each other and I was content with that. Please help me cope with these feelings.
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khibomsis
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« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2022, 01:57:43 PM »

hey Hamster411, don't worry, what you feel is extremely normal for your situation. You are only a month out, it will take another month or two for your heart to catch up with your body.
It is great that you are serious with the working out and staying busy. Not to worry about social gatherings, if you keep going you will soon notice many others standing on the margins like you. Persistence pays. Its getting you out of the house and stops you brooding which is all to the good.
BPD is a disorder of intimacy. Paradoxically it is precisely because it is so good that   they start running away. It is because they are afraid of intimacy that, the moment they realize you see the real them and love them still, warts and all,  pwBPD start running in the other direction as fast as they can. Trust me, I know, having recently come through the same thing. That is why break-ups with pwBPD are so traumatic. Just when you think you are stable and can move towards better things, they become overwhelmed by their fears. Because to trust somebody is to give them the power to hurt you, that is something we all grapple with, but pwBPD find it overwhelming.
The suddenness of it all tends to trigger our own PTSD.
I sympathise with your sorrow. I too have loved a pwBPD and do so still. I remember how it was, and the many good moments, and even though there is an emotionally abusive person there as well, all the more I felt for years I couldn't leave Dr Jekyll behind. I managed for years to stay stable and observe her pushmi-pullyouing. Until I got tired and dizzy.
The fact is all those people are her, and ultimately she makes her choices. Trust that her healing will continue and that good work you have done will not be wasted. And take care of yourself a little. I must say one of the things I enjoy about not caretaking others is all the time I get for myself. You are a nice person. Learn to love yourself and you will find others attracted to your confidence.
Have you thought about a therapist to walk you through the tough times? They will get better though, believe me.
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SinisterComplex
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Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 1190



« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2022, 03:13:08 PM »

Hi all, writing here because I am feeling so very lonely today. I am ruminating and wondering if my life for the last 2 years was a lie. Were our sweet memories real? Were the words spoken meaningless? I put so much of myself into the relationship, and gave so much love. I hung in there through the bumps because I knew the pain of being alone would be much worse for me. Unfortunately I am now alone and struggling with how to deal with it. I miss my partner, the goals we had and the future we spoke about. I know it’s irrational, but I feel like I will never meet anyone else, or that it will take years. I don’t think I can handle years of loneliness, like I was before we met. I just feel very down and depressed today. I have remained busy but have not formed any new friendships in this past month, I have been going to social gatherings but just feel like another face in the crowd. I miss not having to worry about any of this when we were together, we had each other and I was content with that. Please help me cope with these feelings.

Hamster, the hard part is...this is going to happen from time to time and you really can't do anything about it. No, you just have to let the waves come and go. You have to feel and you have to process. The good news...we are here and we are listening and we are with you every step of the way helping you to get to a place of feeling healed, happy, and ready to tackle the bigger and better things in life. Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
« Last Edit: September 16, 2022, 05:47:33 PM by SinisterComplex » Logged

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Hamster411

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 26


« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2022, 11:23:53 PM »

hey Hamster411, don't worry, what you feel is extremely normal for your situation. You are only a month out, it will take another month or two for your heart to catch up with your body.
It is great that you are serious with the working out and staying busy. Not to worry about social gatherings, if you keep going you will soon notice many others standing on the margins like you. Persistence pays. Its getting you out of the house and stops you brooding which is all to the good.
BPD is a disorder of intimacy. Paradoxically it is precisely because it is so good that   they start running away. It is because they are afraid of intimacy that, the moment they realize you see the real them and love them still, warts and all,  pwBPD start running in the other direction as fast as they can. Trust me, I know, having recently come through the same thing. That is why break-ups with pwBPD are so traumatic. Just when you think you are stable and can move towards better things, they become overwhelmed by their fears. Because to trust somebody is to give them the power to hurt you, that is something we all grapple with, but pwBPD find it overwhelming.
The suddenness of it all tends to trigger our own PTSD.
I sympathise with your sorrow. I too have loved a pwBPD and do so still. I remember how it was, and the many good moments, and even though there is an emotionally abusive person there as well, all the more I felt for years I couldn't leave Dr Jekyll behind. I managed for years to stay stable and observe her pushmi-pullyouing. Until I got tired and dizzy.
The fact is all those people are her, and ultimately she makes her choices. Trust that her healing will continue and that good work you have done will not be wasted. And take care of yourself a little. I must say one of the things I enjoy about not caretaking others is all the time I get for myself. You are a nice person. Learn to love yourself and you will find others attracted to your confidence.
Have you thought about a therapist to walk you through the tough times? They will get better though, believe me.

Hi Khibomsis,

Yes I have been seeing a therapist since the breakup, however I don’t believe he is very good, I feel like I have gotten more from speaking with my support system and using this site. I feel like this hits me extra hard because I have abandonment trauma throughout my life. My family has come and gone multiple times and the only constant has been my mother. Although the relationship with my pwBPD was not perfect, I felt we were both committed to making the relationship work. However, by the end she was lashing out, delusional and running away and I felt I could no longer hold on, so I decided to step back. I struggle everyday with knowing that if I wanted to stick it out we could’ve kept things going, it wasn’t one of those situations I commonly read here where the pwBPD shuts you out and never speaks again. When she was inpatient for the last time, she was trying to call me from the unit and I did not take the calls. I struggle everyday wondering what if I just took the calls and tried to make it work.

I have been trying my best to keep busy but I just am not very happy with doing things alone. When I was with her, I felt we had our own life, I didn’t feel like I had to depend on friends having time for me, or trying to find events to go to so I can make friends; we had each other and I was content with that. Now, when friends don’t respond to me or plans fall through, it hits me extra hard because it’s like I have no one to spend time with now, I only have myself. It’s just very hard and times like that make me want to reach out.
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Hamster411

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« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2022, 11:33:06 PM »

Hamster, the hard part is...this is going to happen from time to time and you really can't do anything about it. No, you just have to let the waves come and go. You have to feel and you have to process. The good news...we are here and we are listening and we are with you every step of the way helping you to get to a place of feeling healed, happy, and ready to tackle the bigger and better things in life. Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Hi SC,

I agree that the feelings come and go in waves and I have been weathering these waves and have not broken NC, even though at times I feel like just picking up the phone, calling and just asking “what happened? Do you really want to make this work or can you not handle a serious relationship right now?”

I have been ruminating about why she has not tried at all to reach out or write me a letter (she has a history of doing this with people she realized she should not have burned bridges with). It’s like, if the relationship was as important to you as you said, and if you really loved me like you said, why would you not fight for it to work out? She lost her job, her money, her stable loving home, me, my mom who also loved her dearly, her cat, etc. Is that not enough to try to salvage it? Like is she truly happy with how she is now? I wouldn’t be. She also told me at the end (and she occasionally said it during stressful times throughout the relationship) that she didn’t want to drag me down anymore, or hurt me anymore, that I deserved better and to be happy. Is this why she has stayed away? The darker side of my mind also wonders if she is convincing herself that she’s better off without me, because she can do what she wants when she wants now, like drinking and smoking, and that I expected too much from her and tried to “change” her. Sorry if this sounds like a stream of consciousness post, but these are my thoughts and I would really appreciate any feedback you could provide.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2022, 05:10:04 PM »

Feeling very lost. People keep telling me to focus on myself, do what I like, etc etc. Well...during the relationship I still did do everything I liked (went to the gym, hiked, bike rides, certain hobby stores etc) and I just gave my pwBPD the option to participate or not. I didn’t really feel like I gave up any of these things. The only difference is now I am alone doing it all, and come home to an empty home as well. She was such a large part of my life and energy. Now that it’s gone, I just feel very empty, like I don’t really have much of a life anymore. Struggling today, I don’t have therapy until Wednesday so I hope I can make it till then.
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« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2022, 07:04:24 PM »

Feeling very lost. People keep telling me to focus on myself, do what I like, etc etc. Well...during the relationship I still did do everything I liked (went to the gym, hiked, bike rides, certain hobby stores etc) and I just gave my pwBPD the option to participate or not. I didn’t really feel like I gave up any of these things. The only difference is now I am alone doing it all, and come home to an empty home as well. She was such a large part of my life and energy. Now that it’s gone, I just feel very empty, like I don’t really have much of a life anymore. Struggling today, I don’t have therapy until Wednesday so I hope I can make it till then.

Hey there...

I can relate. It was so, so hard in the first few weeks. 

Reach out as often as you wish. Is there something you'd like to talk about specifically until Wednesday?

Hang in there,

Rev

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« Reply #15 on: September 19, 2022, 04:49:01 PM »

Hey there...

I can relate. It was so, so hard in the first few weeks. 

Reach out as often as you wish. Is there something you'd like to talk about specifically until Wednesday?

Hang in there,

Rev



Hi Rev,

Yes I’m just having a hard time with thinking back to things I could have done differently. I wish I had found this forum, read the books I’ve seen suggested, gotten into my own therapy etc while I was still in the relationship, maybe it would have helped me handle things differently or weather storms in a more effective way? I wish I had pushed her to get into DBT therapy a long time ago, however, whenever I brought it up she always had an excuse why she couldn’t do it (money, job, feeling tired etc).

I wonder if she is thinking about me at all or if she misses the life we had at all. It was my impression up until the last day (you can check my other posts for details leading up to our split) that she wanted to make this work and was willing to do therapy, intensive outpatient etc. Was any of this genuine? Or did it all become too much for her to handle, and she had a psychotic break. She tried to call me from the hospital and I did not take the calls. I struggle with massive guilt from this. Instead of breaking up should I have just told her we need a break so we can both focus on our own mental health? I also may be changing therapists I don’t think the one I am with is any good. We have been broken up 5 weeks so far, with NC the entire time. I think I may unblock her number but I’m not sure if I should.
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« Reply #16 on: September 19, 2022, 04:58:55 PM »

Only unblock her if you want to be hurt because she doesn’t reach out to you or you want her again and are ready for the chaos.  It takes two intact people to make a relationship work.  I spent 37 years trying and trying.  Reading.  Studying.  I wasted a lot of time I could have spent on me.  Please move on.
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« Reply #17 on: September 19, 2022, 05:55:04 PM »

Hi Hamster

Here's something that you wrote that jumped out at me.

 I struggle with massive guilt from this. Instead of breaking up should I have just told her we need a break so we can both focus on our own mental health? I also may be changing therapists I don’t think the one I am with is any good

Now that you see these thoughts in the order that you wrote them but isolated from the rest of your thread, can you say more about this?

Also, I hear some second guessing your past decisions and second guessing your relationship to your current therapist. That's totally normal. Not fun, but not uncommon with these kinds of relationships. If you had a good therapist, how would you be able to tell, do you think?

No need to answer if you don't want to, but I have this sneaking feeling that if you unpack some of this here, you're suffering will abate.

Reach out any time.

Hang in there.

Rev
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« Reply #18 on: September 23, 2022, 02:05:44 AM »

Hamster, just adding my voice to the others. Hang on there. It gets better. Around the 12 week mark you will start to feel more like yourself.

The bottom line: you can't fix her. And as long as she is unfixed she will hurt you. Psychosis, BPD and addiction is a lot. It is not going to be helped without massive professional support. Pray for her when you feel the need. That is all you can do. 

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« Reply #19 on: September 25, 2022, 12:56:08 AM »

Hi Hamster

Here's something that you wrote that jumped out at me.

 I struggle with massive guilt from this. Instead of breaking up should I have just told her we need a break so we can both focus on our own mental health? I also may be changing therapists I don’t think the one I am with is any good

Now that you see these thoughts in the order that you wrote them but isolated from the rest of your thread, can you say more about this?

Also, I hear some second guessing your past decisions and second guessing your relationship to your current therapist. That's totally normal. Not fun, but not uncommon with these kinds of relationships. If you had a good therapist, how would you be able to tell, do you think?

No need to answer if you don't want to, but I have this sneaking feeling that if you unpack some of this here, you're suffering will abate.

Reach out any time.

Hang in there.

Rev

Hi Rev,

Yes I feel guilty from being the one to block her number and initiate NC. I was at my wits end at the time (it’s been 6 weeks now). I know that you cannot take what they say or do personally, but the psychosis just became too much for me at the time. I do second guess my decision to walk away because I feel so very lonely and don’t feel like she hated me or discarded me or anything like that, she was still trying to talk to me, but I thought it might have been manipulation.

As for the therapist, last session was better, I thought he wasn’t great because we didn’t really establish a plan for my healing, it was more just talking and not suggesting resources or digging deep into my issues. But last session was better so I will stick with it for a little longer.

I struggled very much today with the thought of reaching out. I don’t have many friends or family, so I feel very alone. When I try to make plans and no one reciprocates, it’s especially hard. Going out alone and seeing everyone with their friends and significant others gets me very down. It’s like, I had my person at one time too and didn’t feel like I was on the outside looking in. I miss that companionship and knowing that I always had her.
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« Reply #20 on: September 25, 2022, 01:04:12 AM »

Hamster, just adding my voice to the others. Hang on there. It gets better. Around the 12 week mark you will start to feel more like yourself.

The bottom line: you can't fix her. And as long as she is unfixed she will hurt you. Psychosis, BPD and addiction is a lot. It is not going to be helped without massive professional support. Pray for her when you feel the need. That is all you can do. 

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Hi Khibomsis,

Thanks for the response. I think I have come to realize I cannot fix her and always pray that she takes her treatment serious and does the work to get better, however, I struggle knowing that it may never happen and I have already walked away so now we will grow further and further apart.

I also wish I knew why the psychosis came into play, she was not normally like that over the 2 years we were together. Why did she have a break from reality and start making accusations? Is this common for BPD people? What causes this? I feel like if it were not for this I would have been able to hold on perhaps.

I am at the 6 week mark of NC so far and although I no longer cry or feel as anxious about what she could be up to, I just feel a deep sadness and loneliness. I go out on my own since I don’t have many friends and it just doesn’t feel nice. The thought of making new friends feels daunting at times to me, never mind having to date on top of that. I just feel overwhelmed at times and miss the comfort I had in the relationship. I didn’t need to go out or push myself to socialize because I had her, we were comfortable with each other and had a routine. She did not discard me or hate me or split me I don’t feel. She became disconnected from reality and pulled away. I chose not to chase any longer and now I am where I am.
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« Reply #21 on: September 25, 2022, 03:25:55 AM »

I struggle with the decision. Most times, she was very sweet and enjoyed staying at home, spending time with our cat, scrapbooking, photo editing, decorating our room and watching her favorite shows. I loved that. However, her anger would rise up and cause issues. I never felt that she hated me though and that was what kept me motivated to work through things. I wonder if I pulled the plug too early before she could turn it around. At the end she was going to individual and DBT therapy, quit smoking weed, joined AA and was about to begin her outpatient therapy program (until she was hospitalized for the second time after the pregnancy hallucinations). Could we have turned it around and been a success story? I care for her very much still and wish her nothing but the best, I feel she is a good person.

Hi, Hamster411! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am still in the same situation and I did not leave her. A part of me chooses to believe that she will eventually get better overtime. I understand this will be for the long haul. It hurts when you've invested so much in the relationship and loved her with all of you. My pwBPD would always tell me that maybe I'm not the best life partner for her and she needs someone else. She would always push me away and break up with me without batting an eyelash. She tells me that it's for my own good and I should find a partner who's normal so I wouldn't end up broken by her.

I can't help but also linger on the what ifs. Should I just leave so she can focus on her own growth or is it possible to still be present in her life so we can do it together.
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« Reply #22 on: September 25, 2022, 05:01:53 AM »


I struggled very much today with the thought of reaching out. I don’t have many friends or family, so I feel very alone. When I try to make plans and no one reciprocates, it’s especially hard. Going out alone and seeing everyone with their friends and significant others gets me very down. It’s like, I had my person at one time too and didn’t feel like I was on the outside looking in. I miss that companionship and knowing that I always had her.

Yes - I can relate. Without friends who supported me, I'm not sure how I would have coped. I was in pretty rough shape. Rough enough that they didn't tell me how bad I looked and was.

So, here's a thought. It's been said that these relationships can be like a psychological addiction - my own mentor would often say two things - "Stop trying to have a conversation with someone who doesn't really exist" and "You can't have just a little bit of heroin".

With that in mind, it's also been said that "Quitting something is easy. It's not starting again that's really hard" - which means coping mechanisms and therapy can focus on fighting through the cravings and building a new life.  And I know that's easier said than done.   And I know that with time, it will come. 

Finally, have you shared your reservations with your therapist?  A good therapist will strike a balance between offering you suggestions and confronting your patterns of bypassing your core issues that is bringing you to therapy in the first place.

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev
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« Reply #23 on: October 05, 2022, 05:48:12 PM »

Yes - I can relate. Without friends who supported me, I'm not sure how I would have coped. I was in pretty rough shape. Rough enough that they didn't tell me how bad I looked and was.

So, here's a thought. It's been said that these relationships can be like a psychological addiction - my own mentor would often say two things - "Stop trying to have a conversation with someone who doesn't really exist" and "You can't have just a little bit of heroin".

With that in mind, it's also been said that "Quitting something is easy. It's not starting again that's really hard" - which means coping mechanisms and therapy can focus on fighting through the cravings and building a new life.  And I know that's easier said than done.   And I know that with time, it will come.  

Finally, have you shared your reservations with your therapist?  A good therapist will strike a balance between offering you suggestions and confronting your patterns of bypassing your core issues that is bringing you to therapy in the first place.

Hang in there.
Reach out any time.

Rev

Hi Rev,

Reaching back out after being away for a little bit. My therapist basically tells me I dodged a bullet, it would have ended up this way regardless, to love myself and not find validation in others etc.

I am now at 2 months NC and just miss her dearly. I’ve made the effort to socialize and have gotten some numbers and made a few friends. But the void is there. I always wonder how she is, what she is up to etc. I miss her presence and place in my life. She was a damaged person but I believe she has a good heart and really did love me (therapist tells me I may be in slight denial in some aspects). I struggle when I see things that trigger a memory, or make me think “how would she react to this? It would be fun to see”. I feel very empty and in my thoughts a lot of the time even though I am continuing to push through. I just wonder if it could ever work again. It’s bittersweet when I speak to new people and try to make friends; I lost something precious to me that is bringing me to socialize now.
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« Reply #24 on: December 16, 2022, 11:30:41 PM »

Just bumping this old thread, I've come back to the site after being away for some time and have just been reading through new topics. It's been 4 months NC now for me and I've made some strides in the right direction. I've made some good friends and have been involved in several social circles, I regularly go out and attend events with them. On the dating front, however, I have not really progressed. I have met many women but have not really had the motivation to try to pursue. I have not really found anyone I just feel that spark with, or attraction to unfortunately.

I still have a lot of days where I feel depressed, longing for the good times. I still have hope that maybe she will get better and come back. She has made no effort to contact me though so I guess she is not interested. Through friends, I have seen some recent pictures of her and she does not look happy or nearly as healthy as she did when we were together, so that makes me sad. My therapist has suggested that maybe I should consider antidepressants for myself, but I really don't want to go down that road (but maybe I really do need them). My focus now has just been trying to get through the holidays the best I can, it is difficult though.

Others that have been in my position, how were you doing 4 months down the road? Is it extremely uncommon that we have not spoken or had any contact in that time? Whenever I mention that to anyone they always seem very surprised and that makes me question if I should have tried to reach out.
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« Reply #25 on: December 17, 2022, 05:39:46 AM »

Others that have been in my position, how were you doing 4 months down the road? Is it extremely uncommon that we have not spoken or had any contact in that time? Whenever I mention that to anyone they always seem very surprised and that makes me question if I should have tried to reach out.

I'm at 4 months of no contact right now. I have seen my ex a couple of times and when I did she flaunted my replacement.

She lives in my neighbourhood but is hermitting. I suppose she only goes to grocery store to buy cigarettes because you can't get them ordered to your door like groceries. I am trying to shake off my addiction of checking out her social media (she has blocked me everywhere but her profiles are public). From checking out her socials it seems she mostly spends time at home, putting on make-up and dressing up to feel better.

The only bit of contact she made after we started NC was pay me a part of the money app she owed me via a mobile payment app. She seems to have changed her mind about payment, I haven't received a payment for months now. It wasn't a lot of money so I don't mind really.

I still feel conflicted about the prospect of her "coming back". I want to at least have sex with her again because I used sex to relieve the anxieties of the relationship. It's not a nice place to be in, wanting your abuser.
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« Reply #26 on: December 17, 2022, 07:15:57 AM »

I still feel conflicted about the prospect of her "coming back". I want to at least have sex with her again because I used sex to relieve the anxieties of the relationship. It's not a nice place to be in, wanting your abuser.

Tupla Sport,

   Please reread what I highlighted from your quote in the remainder of the paragraph that I quoted you on. Sounds as though that you have more issues than you're willing to admit. Please see a qualified therapist to work out these issues.

   Using sex to relieve the anxieties of your relationship is not  mentally healthy.  If you're fixating on the sexual aspect of your previous relationship with your ex, in order to releave some of that sexual tension you may want to consider going solo.

   Granted, this is replacing your toxic relationship with sex, with a less unhealthy vice of going solo.

   If you are using sex to deal with your own abandonment issues, or the need to fill a void of emptiness, this possibly indicates a deeper issue than a physical need, and should be addressed in therapy.

   It is something to think about. Take care.
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« Reply #27 on: December 17, 2022, 09:40:23 AM »

Tupla Sport,

   Please reread what I highlighted from your quote in the remainder of the paragraph that I quoted you on. Sounds as though that you have more issues than you're willing to admit. Please see a qualified therapist to work out these issues.

   Using sex to relieve the anxieties of your relationship is not  mentally healthy.  If you're fixating on the sexual aspect of your previous relationship with your ex, in order to releave some of that sexual tension you may want to consider going solo.

   Granted, this is replacing your toxic relationship with sex, with a less unhealthy vice of going solo.

   If you are using sex to deal with your own abandonment issues, or the need to fill a void of emptiness, this possibly indicates a deeper issue than a physical need, and should be addressed in therapy.

   It is something to think about. Take care.

I am aware of the situation. What I wrote was not meant to normalize what is happening. I am in therapy and the sexual issues I have are being addressed.
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« Reply #28 on: December 17, 2022, 11:02:03 PM »

TS,

That's good to hear.  I do know all of this BPD crap is a really big mind f*** with the push/pull trauma bond of the dynamic brings.  This trauma bond will keep you guessing on if you did the right thing -- best place to deal with this is in Therapy, it sounds like you are doing the right thing.  Keep up the good work, my family has 4 T's right now that we are actively seeing, a tremendous use of resources.

I am still with my wife, and I am still guessing.  I had to do an enormous shift, and she has too.  It looks promising, then it doesn't, and then it does - it is a roller coaster of the push/pull dynamic.  I will be giving it another 60 days [at least] of this roller coaster ride to see how it goes with all of the 'new changes' that both of us have made.  I don't want to be bread crumbed [still in progress with so-far empty promises of getting better] with very little of the good times coming back, all on a platonic level, no romance at all from a previous hypersexual relationship 17 years ago -- that's a long time to be 'bread crumbed'.  I don't want to be abused [mostly in remission, but comes back time to time with a vengeance], and it would appear that she is self-sabotaging at times too.

I fear I may be hijacking this conversation, so if you want to talk about this, PM me, or start a new thread on the topic.
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« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2022, 06:24:13 AM »


I fear I may be hijacking this conversation, so if you want to talk about this, PM me, or start a new thread on the topic.

SaltyDawg,

I'd like to invite you to start a new thread on your own.  It can get confusing in a thread when side conversations start.  The information in those side conversations is useful, important and because it's contained in another thread, may not reach the people who need to hear it.

Some of the things you have raised are super important - especially the sexual component of these relationships - which can be used as a form of manipulation and even abuse.  

What do you think about starting a new thread?

Rev
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« Reply #30 on: December 19, 2022, 02:48:56 PM »

Rev,

Agreed.  I will likely start another conversation on this after the new years, after the holiday rush is over.  I will also look at the other new posts, and I respond if there is relevant issues to bright to light.

SD
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« Reply #31 on: December 19, 2022, 05:08:52 PM »

Rev,

Agreed.  I will likely start another conversation on this after the new years, after the holiday rush is over.  I will also look at the other new posts, and I respond if there is relevant issues to bright to light.

SD

Awesome... Have a great week.
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Hamster411

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« Reply #32 on: December 23, 2022, 02:30:28 PM »

Others that have been in my position, how were you doing 4 months down the road? Is it extremely uncommon that we have not spoken or had any contact in that time? Whenever I mention that to anyone they always seem very surprised and that makes me question if I should have tried to reach out.

I'm at 4 months of no contact right now. I have seen my ex a couple of times and when I did she flaunted my replacement.

She lives in my neighbourhood but is hermitting. I suppose she only goes to grocery store to buy cigarettes because you can't get them ordered to your door like groceries. I am trying to shake off my addiction of checking out her social media (she has blocked me everywhere but her profiles are public). From checking out her socials it seems she mostly spends time at home, putting on make-up and dressing up to feel better.

The only bit of contact she made after we started NC was pay me a part of the money app she owed me via a mobile payment app. She seems to have changed her mind about payment, I haven't received a payment for months now. It wasn't a lot of money so I don't mind really.

I still feel conflicted about the prospect of her "coming back". I want to at least have sex with her again because I used sex to relieve the anxieties of the relationship. It's not a nice place to be in, wanting your abuser.

Hey TS thanks for sharing. Mine also lives in my neighborhood but we have not run into each other yet, I know when we were together she was very much a homebody so that's probably why. I feel like I get triggered when I look at her social media bc I see things about her that I miss (like her photography). I should probably not look but I can't help it bc it feels like the only piece of her I have left.

I also feel conflicted about her coming back. I blocked her number when this all happened 4 months ago and have left it that way. She has not tried to come over or mail me anything. I feel like if I were to go back I would be in a very weak position. However, if she did try to make contact I can't say I wouldn't feel relief. Maybe it's bc of the Christmas holiday, but I've just been missing her more recently. Can anyone share their thoughts? Or how they were able to handle similar feelings in a similar situation? I'm trying to cope with it the best I can.
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« Reply #33 on: June 01, 2023, 11:12:39 AM »

Hi Hamster411, hope you are ok now.  I can echo a lot to ur story. I’m 25 and my exBPDbf is 21. I think he is high functioning BPD cus he seldom put his bad mood  onto me and always blame himself a lot. I also helped him quit weed as he said I changed his life.
Everything was good before I go back to my own country where we are 10000 km apart from each other. Before I meet him I also stay alone and have few friends. It’s also hard for me to build up close relationships with males because have trust issue. He is the person who gives me security, company and tolerance. I also care about him a lot and really want to help him get better.
Things became worse after I moved. The 7 hrs time gap make both of us stressed, anxious about the future. I’m so helpless because it’s so hard for me to move to him. Only I can do is waiting for him. He’s facing great pain and burden as he is still young. He is so overwhelmed and finally give up on me. I can understand. we both love each other. But now he try to push me away which makes me so so said as we can’t even be friends. Very heartbreaking and helpless. I feel that I lose my best friend in my life and now I need to live alone. I really can’t move on.
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gaherna3

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Wife
Posts: 23


« Reply #34 on: June 22, 2023, 05:16:08 PM »

Hello Hamster,
I hope  you are doing fine now. Your story rhymed with mine so much except for the fact that we have a daughter. Reading through your raw emotions lets me know I am not alone. Just wondering. How are things for you now?
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