You NEVER understood ME (pwBPD)

[Buddy Joe]

No matter what I do SHE WOULD SAY I NEVER LOVE AND UNDERSTOOD HER.

Do I just give up and let her be? Let her go through life and enter that cycle again of being impulsive and promiscuous? To my knowledge she never cheated on me. And she would always say that I have the better end of the stick because her exes had it worst and they never knew about her diagnosis. When she got diagnosed she told herself that she would be open about it to her next partner and that was ME. She uses it now as an ACE CARD indirectly telling me that GOOD FOR YOU THAT I TOLD YOU. The others had it worst and they were able to handle me, which I highly doubt. My capacity of understanding is often questioned and undermined because I am aware of her diagnosis while the others weren’t but they chose to stay until she was the one who broke it off and disappeared.

A part of me believes that probably her exes loved the attention she gave then and didn’t want that to go to waste. Wanting to rekindle the past that was long forgotten. But since they weren’t able to stick around as long as I have they don’t know how difficult it was to really stay for the long haul.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I think this is a situation that requires boundaries on your part. Boundaries are not something we impose on someone else. They reflect our own values and determine how we respond to someone violating our boundaries.

For example, promiscuity. If this is a boundary for you, to have a monogamous relationship, the boundary is not " you will not cheat on me" but what action you would take if she does. You don't even have to discuss a boundary. It's your choice to respond how you wish. You can state "I value monogamy and want this in a relationship" but if her actions don't align with this, then it's your decision to stay or leave under that circumstance. You can not control her choices.

You also can't control how she thinks or what she says. One boundary is- do you know what is true about you and what isn't? Because if you do, then someone saying something untrue about you doesn't make it true. I could call you a pink elephant- but I think you are certain you are a human, not an elephant and hopefully would not consider if what I said was true or not. I could say "you are standing on your head" or "the sky is purple"  but it doesn't make it true.

Likewise when your partner says "you don't love or understand her" - that doesn't make it true. Responding to defend yourself or prove her wrong only adds some validity to something that isn't true. You can validate her feeling, but not the fact. "I am sorry you feel that way, that must feel hurtful" then don't discuss it further.

If you consider this and let it undermine what you know is true and not true about you, that's a boundary you need to work on. We have no control over what someone else thinks, feels, or says but none of that is true just because they feel or say it.

[Notwendy]

Still even if it isn't true- it's demoralizing to hear it. Still that is a boundary- to choose to continue a relationship like this or not.

Do I just give up and let her be? Let her go through life and enter that cycle again of being impulsive and promiscuous?



This is backwards thinking. She's responsible for her behavior. Whether or not she chooses to be impulsive or promiscuous is her decision. Being her "rescuer" is participating in the dysfunction.

It's the consequences of these behaviors that teach us to avoid them if we don't want them. As long as someone rescues a person from them, they won't learn that. You aren't letting her do or not do anything. She is responsible for her choices.

"Do I give up and let her be?"

How about "Do I let myself be?" How much do you want to tolerate?

[SaltyDawg]

I agree with N-Wendy.

I would like to add, get some individual counseling if you can so you can better understand the illogical and irrational BPD - it makes sense once you wrap your head around it.

If you can't, read some books to better understand BPD and how to manage your relationship with them:

These two are an excellent starting place (they were books 2 and 3 for me, the first one I, I won't mention here, I wouldn't recommend, even though it got me started down this rabbit hole)

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
Book by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Walking on Eggshells
Book by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger