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Author Topic: Help...what the heck is going on?  (Read 226 times)
InDespair
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: unknown
Posts: 2


« on: December 11, 2022, 07:13:00 PM »

Hello All,
I am new here...after hours and hours of reading I've come to the conclusion that what my bf suffers from is BPD.  A lot of what is described in this disorder, seems like him.  Just a little background on us.  We have been together for 2 1/2 years, 1 1/2 of those in long distance relationship.  For the most part, things have been great.  As good as they could be.  Recently he traveled even father to get away from harsh winter weather.  Since then, things have been extremely rough.  I had an incredibly hard time dealing with the time difference and the lack of our "normal" communication.  Well, what led to the blow up was...I was out with some girlfriends and some random person my friend was talking to made a rude racist comment to me.  Later that night I called my bf crying about what happened.  At first he was supportive, saying I shouldn't care what other people say.  Then suddenly, he blew up accusing me of always going out drinking and talking to other men.  Which is definitely not the case.  He was so furious and pretty much said he couldn't even look at me (we were video calling).  I was shocked, confused, and didn't know what the heck was going on.  I didn't understand how he turned this around to me, like I had done something wrong.  Well, that about 9 days ago now.  I've tried video calling him, but I suspect he has blocked my calls.  I texted him last night, and I know he saw the message but didn't reply at all.  I am so heartbroken.  I don't understand how this can be happening.  We always talked about our future and knew we would be together till the end.  We never had any type of argument or disagreements, and he has always thought of me as someone who he was lucky to finally find.  So how can someone go from that, to just totally acting like I (and my son) meant nothing to him?  Is it over?  Do I reach out to him again?  I've read many posts, some people of course say leave him, you're better off...etc.  But some say that even though he's going through this period, I should still how that I am here for him and love him.  Also let me add that he has told me that since being away from the harsh winters that affect his health, he has finally been feeling good to where he wants to work on himself.  Wants to fix some of his personal issues and past traumas.  So I don't know, maybe this instance I brought up to him and my constant being sad about us being apart was just too much for him now? 
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kells76
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2022, 01:03:44 PM »

Hey InDespair, welcome. Glad you reached out for more support and understanding -- I hear in what you wrote that sense of absolute shock at your BF "turning against you" and blaming you for behaviors, at a time when you were actually reaching out to him needing compassion.

The first thing I thought of when I read your post was the concept of "splitting", where many pwBPD struggle to allow people (and situations) to just be gray areas -- things have to be good OR bad, black OR white, and nothing in between. Additionally, many pwBPD struggle to support others who need help, including emotional help, listening, all that stuff that we think of as "normal" in a relationship.

So, one idea for what may have happened with your BF could be:

While he had some baseline skills (he was initially able to talk about not letting those words get to you), he rapidly hit his limit with his ability to be emotionally supportive. Feeling anxious, overwhelmed, etc, and possibly having an "external locus of control" that many pwBPD have (the mindset that "my feelings come from outside of me and are caused by others, and also are factually true"), he may have seen you as the source of his anxiety/overwhelm. If you are around, and he has bad feelings... well, according to BPD, you are making him feel that way and are therefore bad.

Thus, he could pivot pretty quickly from "I am here for you" to "you are the problem" to "if you're the problem, you are bad and do bad things like XYZ".

If you haven't seen it yet, you could take a look at our workshop on BEHAVIORS: Splitting, and let us know if any of it resonates with you.

Ultimately, I think you're on to something here:

So I don't know, maybe this instance I brought up to him and my constant being sad about us being apart was just too much for him now? 

It could be that he has some emotional support limitations that are a lot more limited than you'd want or had expected. That being said, learning more about how BPD impacts people can help you understand those limitations and try some different tools and skills to see if you can personally make changes that make your relationship more livable.

Write back whenever works for you;

kells76
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InDespair
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: unknown
Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2022, 01:17:14 PM »

Thank you, Kells76 for your response.  I have read a lot about splitting and it does seem like this is what's going on, just as the first time this happened.  Does it seem "normal" behavior with BPD that he would suddenly act like nothing happened once he saw me?  It was weird because when I tried to talk about what happened, the silent treatment and ignoring me, it seemed like it was so uncomfortable to discuss and he just wanted to forget about it. Didn't want to talk about it at all.  With that being said, is 10 days too long for this splitting to happen?  Also, I'm trying to find a way to get him to "break" those negative thoughts about me. if he responded last time with resuming with normal activitrd we so such as golf, I'm wondering if I should text him like nothing is wrong and just talk about other stuff like golf again?  I know, I sound extremely desperate but I just don't know how we went from forever to not speaking in a matter of minutes. 
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