Is there a way I can tell them

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is there a way I can tell my ex I think she has BPD and has anyone told their ex and how did it go.
I have experience with mental health as a mh nurse and I truly believe my ex has BPD. Ive seen the pain and put together the history and I know she feels different but is so sensitive to criticism. She has involved her kids in her false narratives and is now going to be damaging them while they learn hot to trust the world and form their own beliefs. I have been split black and discarded with cruelty and ghosted even though we live in the same building.
What happens if I tell her my belief. Would she see what contributed to the breakdown and that the splitting narrative is false? Would she avenge me? How did someone tell their ex and how did it play out?

[Johnson]

Is there a way I can tell my ex I think she has BPD and has anyone told their ex and how did it go.
I have experience with mental health as a mh nurse and I truly believe my ex has BPD. Ive seen the pain and put together the history and I know she feels different but is so sensitive to criticism. She has involved her kids in her false narratives and is now going to be damaging them while they learn hot to trust the world and form their own beliefs. I have been split black and discarded with cruelty and ghosted even though we live in the same building.
What happens if I tell her my belief. Would she see what contributed to the breakdown and that the splitting narrative is false? Would she avenge me? How did someone tell their ex and how did it play out?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Hi Johnson,

The short answer is "no, not really."  It is generally accepted that "telling" someone that they have a mood disorder never really leads to a great place.  We've all had the inclination to do it at some point - it's natural.

I can hear that you've been put through a bit of blender in your relationship. Do you have a sense of what you are hoping to gain or benefit from being able to tell her, if (and that is a really, really, really BIG "if") she was able to hear it?

You might want to check this article - and others here - that sheds some light on the matter.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Thoughts?

Rev

OH - And btw - WELCOME!  You've come to a really great place with lots of wisdom and ZERO judgement.  Hang in there. Reach out any time.

[babyducks]

What is generally understood is that the information of BPD is best received when there is an environment of trust, respect, understanding and comfortablity.

That doesn't sound like where you are right now with your relationship.  Not from what you briefly describe here.

The other thing that is generally understood is the chance of a productive conversation is more likely by focusing on behaviors not diagnostic labels.   It's important to focus on both positive and negative aspects if you introduce this topic.

From my experience,  I would suggest you spend some time here reading and sharing before you make a decision about what you want to do.

[SaltyDawg]

The other thing that is generally understood is the chance of a productive conversation is more likely by focusing on behaviors not diagnostic labels.   It's important to focus on both positive and negative aspects if you introduce this topic.

From my experience,  I would suggest you spend some time here reading and sharing before you make a decision about what you want to do.

Been there, done that.  It is NOT a good idea to tell them outright.

If they are aware of certain behaviors (e.g. physical violence, rages, etc.) that is where you need to focus -- that is the only way I got my uBPDw to get appropriate therapy - a partial success.

If she is strictly high-functioning invisible variety that is a few orders of magnitude more difficult, if not impossible.  Also if and when they get into therapy, let their individual therapist know on the side on your suspicions [e-mail is good, it also documents the behaviors as well, should it need to go the legal route, such as for custody].  Also, suggest security cameras [if she comes over to your place and exhibit symptoms of emotional abuse, that will save a lot of $'s on legal fees, and will be easier to prove].

[babyducks]

We've certainly had many many members show up here new to the idea of BPD or personality disorders who immediately went to their partners and said some version of "I've researched you on the internet and read this book and I know what is wrong with you now.   You have BPD.  You need to do therapy."  Sometimes they present supporting documentation.    Spreadsheets.    Videos.

And then they are baffled when that goes over quite badly.  Something like ~I figured out her problem, how come she doesn't want to fix it?~.  Missing completely the idea that being described as a problem is upsetting and off putting.


At this point Johnson you've been split black and ghosted.   What were you thinking would be your approach to introducing the topic?

[BPDEnjoyer]

No, if you tell them, then you are abusing them.  Or they say you are not a psychiatrist, how would you know? 

[Manic Miner]

You need to have a great deal of trust to be able to say anything to them and be functional, let alone tell them they need help.

Look at this way - imagine a person that you think is awful goes to you and says you need help. What would you do?

[SaltyDawg]

No, if you tell them, then you are abusing them.  Or they say you are not a psychiatrist, how would you know? 

That is exactly what happened to me, both my pwBPD and the therapists [her individual and our couple's] told me the same thing -- I was a bully and I am not qualified to make a diagnosis -- even though I said she was behaving like a person with BPD.

However, both of the same T's were notably silent when I told both of them the damning traits/symptoms which my wife had already readily admitted to and was aware of.  Additionally, I've been validated by two professionals in the 1st person, and two other's in the 3rd person, 3/4 are PhD's, and the one who isn't has 4 licenses in the field, in addition to several other YouTube experts [Dr. Ramani & Dr. Fox, and other licensed professionals who have described my pwBPD's behavior exactly.  I am > 99.99% convinced of it -- so that is how my individual T is helping me.

I have since gone covert on my actions regarding the 'borderline' as I suspect the T's are indeed treating for the 'borderline' as her symptoms/traits are improving.

Since I have learned how to work the system upon the suggestion of the T who ghosted us when she recognized the symptoms as valid [she strongly alluded to it] -- send e-mails to the T's, her individual and her couple's T, and list your concerns explaining that it "sounds like" BPD, quote the DSM-5, and give specific examples of each symptom, especially if your pwBPD has said something different in session, and you will have to describe the symptoms by their definitions [e.g. suicide threat/attempt, physical abuse -- both of these are mandated to be reported to authorities, borderline splitting [describe the black/white thinking giving specific examples, and how it upsets you when (s)he does this], disassociation (hard to prove this one, as it is he said/she said -- ask if (s)he can remember from xx:xx to yy:yy time frame -- ask the same question later on in session, at least 20 minutes apart, they may not remember and you can trip them up as they will be making it up and may likely be disassociate), projection of violence [raging, breaking things, hitting things, throwing things, etc.]  Whatever you do, tell the truth to the T's, even if you reacted back towards her while she was raging.  Both the pwBPD and the T will call you out on it if you don't.  Likewise the T will call her out on it as well if she is not forthright. 

You need to have a great deal of trust to be able to say anything to them and be functional, let alone tell them they need help.

Look at this way - imagine a person that you think is awful goes to you and says you need help. What would you do?

I agree, I thought I had that 'trust'; however, it was still not enough [however, it was sufficient for my wife to look up the symptoms and read two books on the subject before concluding that she doesn't have it].  I was also asked the question about needing help.  All of the T's didn't like my answer of "If she said that of me, I would do a 'deep dive' on myself and likely get a professional opinion of a psychiatrist, which one do you recommend?"  One of the T's asked, "if you get a 'negative' answer [while she was nodding towards my wife] would you accept that."  I indicated "yes I would accept that, which psychiatrist do you recommend?"  Needless to say, none of the T's would recommend a psychiatrist, and my wife after her next individual T's session indicated that she would refuse to go to one [she couldn't deny the suicide attempts or domestic violence and other related behaviors, and it would only hurt her if she followed through with the divorce threats].  To me this is additional circumstantial evidence to what I already know, and they probably know as well, even though they won't admit to it.