CPS forcing us to seperate

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,
My wife of 19 years, 3 kids. Ups and downs the whole relationship. The downs are suicidal, drug use, psychosis. This last bout of “Borderline low” CPS is involved (not first time) due to concerns of fighting/suicide threats in front of kids. 15,13,8 years old. As soon as Child Protective services was involved, I have done everything told of me and have been working really hard, where my wife has since had 3 suicide attempts and I have had to call the cops on her twice and she ran from a 72 hour hold at a hospital. In all of her choices making her look really bad at a critical time, CPS has now made her leave the home and not be around me and the children until a upcoming court case. She came to the house and would not leave, I called the cops and cops said I had no formal paperwork and they could not force her from the home. This upset case worker, which has now issued a protective order against her.

Now I’m struggling with ceasing all communication with my wife of 19 years. Even though I know she is bad for me and kids when she is like this, I am constantly in a state of anxiety about where she is going to stay or what she is going to do. I have been ordered co dependency classes. She calls md from private numbers and I have a hard time not talking to her even though courts say no. I’m being forced to break up marriage, due to her actions, but have major attachment issues. I know it’s for the good and probably a blessing in diguse, but I’m in a constant state of anxiety and guilt from this…

[Runfurther]

Hi,
My wife of 19 years, 3 kids. Ups and downs the whole relationship. The downs are suicidal, drug use, psychosis. This last bout of “Borderline low” CPS is involved (not first time) due to concerns of fighting/suicide threats in front of kids. 15,13,8 years old. As soon as Child Protective services was involved, I have done everything told of me and have been working really hard, where my wife has since had 3 suicide attempts and I have had to call the cops on her twice and she ran from a 72 hour hold at a hospital. In all of her choices making her look really bad at a critical time, CPS has now made her leave the home and not be around me and the children until a upcoming court case. She came to the house and would not leave, I called the cops and cops said I had no formal paperwork and they could not force her from the home. This upset case worker, which has now issued a protective order against her.

Now I’m struggling with ceasing all communication with my wife of 19 years. Even though I know she is bad for me and kids when she is like this, I am constantly in a state of anxiety about where she is going to stay or what she is going to do. I have been ordered co dependency classes. She calls md from private numbers and I have a hard time not talking to her even though courts say no. I’m being forced to break up marriage, due to her actions, but have major attachment issues. I know it’s for the good and probably a blessing in diguse, but I’m in a constant state of anxiety and guilt from this…

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Runfurther, welcome to the community.

That certainly is a lot for you to go through and I'm glad you posted. You are recognizing the actions you need to take for yourself and your kids, and you are also recognizing your conflicted emotions about that.

It is very hard during separation to get a handle on the feelings of guilt. Being married for 19 years, I'm sure you've been through a lot in your marriage involving trying to take care of your mentally ill spouse.

You're in a position where you're being forced to make choices. On one hand, you have to let go of responsibility for your wife and feel the uncertainty of having no control over what happens to her. On the other, you risk losing your kids and exposing them to more trauma if you continue to communicate with and try to help your wife.

Can we explore where these feelings of guilt and anxiety come from? From your post, you logically know that what CPS is asking of you is best for you and the kids. Emotionally, you're struggling, and there's a root for that somewhere.

I would encourage you to follow what CPS is asking, from experience. I lost custody of my kids because of my relationship with my undiagnosed BPD ex husband. I'm still trying to get them back years later.

[Runfurther]

My emotions come from 19 years of ups and downs. So many good memories from the ups, but the downs are extreme and explosive. The bad are definitely starting to outweighs the good. I wanted to break away, but lately the threat of suicide is brought up constantly and even though I take care of her, she controls me. So blessing in disguise, but, CPS and court cases can be unpredictable so that also adds a level of anxiety. The thought of raising three kids (2 with special needs) entirely on my own is intimidating. Even though I kinda already take care of everyone on my own. I can’t shake the felling of worrying about her. She still manages to take up a lot of time and head space out of my day. Thank you for responding. I’m on the middle of a lot right now and appreciate any wise words.

[ForeverDad]

I may sound as something unwished, but if I had anything to comment about the time I separated years ago, it was that my CPS was not proactive enough.  Yes, CPS did stand up at my first domestic court hearing and state that they had "no concerns" about me.  However, they failed to express concerns about my stbEx's parenting.

To be fair, CPS was only tasked with assessing me, not the other parent.  All because the case started with her claiming I was the abuser and she and child were the victims.  So CPS had a narrow focus in their sights, me.  Sort of the way horses are equipped with blinders, so they can't be distracted by side issues. That was the real elephant in the room - they whole story - yet all the professionals studiously avoiding looking in her direction.  It wasn't in the scope of their investigation.

I would encourage you to follow what CPS is asking, from experience.

I echo that.  Don't hide spouse's misbehaviors.  This may be your best chance to get solutions and not half-measures.

Do not ask them "how soon" she can return.  Don't rush that.  Their objective assessment may be that she needs to learn to take care of herself, perhaps indefinitely. 

So blessing in disguise, but, CPS and court cases can be unpredictable so that also adds a level of anxiety. The thought of raising three kids (2 with special needs) entirely on my own is intimidating. Even though I kinda already take care of everyone on my own.

Is it possible that their special needs are a result of, or at least aggravated by, the poor home environment?

I can’t shake the feeling of worrying about her.

Even with all her mental health issues, court will view her more or less as an adult.  You are not responsible for her, an adult.  However you are responsible for raising the minor children.  In your head you know it, but emotionally it will take more time for that to sink in.  Gift yourself that time.

Frankly, your family - you and the children - will be healthier without her in constant contact and control.

[BigOof]

Runfurther, try al-anon meetings for co-dependent relationships:

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/telephone-meetings/

You'll hear a range of people who have progressed to varying levels of healthy recovery.

[Notwendy]

As an adult, a counselor recommended I attend 12 step co-dependency groups, not due to anything related to my children but for me to address some behaviors I learned from the family dynamics I grew up with ( BPD mother, and caretaking father). Just like you recognize your own co-dependent, enabling behavior- you are also, without your intention,  role modeling this behavior for your own children. I think it was a wise decision of CPS to order this- both for you, and your children, so they have an example of a more emotionally healthy way to relate to people.

So while it appears that your wife's behaviors are the main problem, co-dependent behaviors can be too. I think one of the best things you can do for them is to comply with this request of CPS- but don't just go to meetings. Do the work, get a sponsor. You will feel better too. The constant "her taking up your thoughts" is something the program addresses.  

If your wife continues to be suicidal and unable to manage on her own, she will get the attention of social services and mental health as well. One thing I learned in 12 step groups is that while enabling and caretaking appears to be "so kind", it's not good for the other person as it keeps them from learning the consequences of their actions and learning new behaviors. You don't really know if your wife could manage on her own or not. She's not had to do that.

I think CPS has recognized this situation isn't good for the kids and you know it isn't good for you. I understand you don't want to lose the kids but if you have lost yourself in this relationship, they lose you too- what you contribute as an individual. CPS has given you a suggestion to take care of you, and "get yourself back". It's a process, it takes time. They say on an airplane- put your oxygen mask on first" and they have told you how to do that.

[Runfurther]

I’m just now waking up to the realization of how much my kids are affected. I can see the attitude and how short my daughter is getting with other people. The CPS case originally was a call from a IEP where a social worker felt that I was over stressed. The case quickly turned focus from me because she started to self destruct and show them her “crazy” side. Now they are worried about her instability and how it is affecting the kids and me. My case worker ordered I do AlAlon or Coda classes. I have done two Coda classes so far. (Al anon seems to be for alcoholics)… My case worker also turned me onto this site as she seems to know a lot about BPD. I have been in close contact with her, but the case gets turned over to the courts on Tuesday. I know the case workers intentions, I’m just not sure of the courts intentions. Note that I have spent years as a Volunteer Sheriffs Search and Rescue member and applied to Sheriffs and Police departments. I feel like I’m a good role model other than the way I interact with mom. My biggest problem is my codependency and the hard time I’m having breaking away from mom. Not only is she call and text from blocked numbers, but shows up to argue. She’s constantly still taking space up in my mind and I really just need somehow let go. I don’t feel romantically in love, but I feel like I’m letting go of a kid. I had to put my aggressive, brain damaged son into a group facility and this feels similar. I kinda what I asked for and want, I need to rip the bandaid off instead of pulling slow. She’s making it difficult and my indecision is leading her on. Caretaking and being nice. Both to blame.
 It’s nice to get prospective from someone who’s been through it already as I know I’m going to get a lot of these a-ha moments.

[Runfurther]

Still trying to figure this site and how to reply to specific people and highlight quotes.
My 13 year old son has autism and is super smart and I know that mom and me fighting with mom is affecting him. My oldest son 15 has brain damage, epilepsy, he is non verbal and low functioning. He understands very little and don’t think much of what we say or model can/will affect his already painfully slow progression. I will always put my kids first, but my wife feels alot like one of my kids.
 I already have started back running and been going to the climbing gym since she’s been out of the house, so I feel a little self care and motivation coming back. Although, this week has been school break and have spent every last minute dealing with caretaking and housecleaning. I quit my job as an electronics tech 9 years ago to watch my son full time. I feel very overwhelmed with my duties already and now am 100 percent on my own with alot on my plate. I am completely motivated to push forward and provide the best I can with what I have.

[ForeverDad]

Not only is she call and text from blocked numbers, but shows up to argue.

She was ordered to leave.  Likely there were other terms she was told to comply with.  What she is doing now, calling and arguing, are probably violations too.  You both deserve a time-out to begin recovery.  (Recovery is a process, not an event.)  You need to report this too - share this with your case worker - whether a clear violation or not.  If you don't, then you would be hiding poor behaviors that they could address and try to correct.

[BigOof]

I have spent years as a Volunteer Sheriff's Search and Rescue member and applied to Sheriff's and Police departments.

You need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

[I Am Redeemed]

I think you are lucky to get a caseworker who seems to know about BPD. That's rare, from what I have seen, and it should help you as you move forward.

You may want to ask your caseworker for resources for caregivers of special needs children. Single parenting is a huge task alone (I'm a single mom with six kids) and special needs adds an extra layer of stress.

[Notwendy]

Been in CODA and ACA ( works with BPD too, not just alcohol) for a while now. I think it's one of the best things I have done for myself. It's a process, something to continuously work on- you may feel it's two steps forward, one step back some of the time, but keep at it. It's important to get a sponsor. You are new to the group so observe for a while and eventually, you will see who you think you would work well with, and ask them. A sponsor is a support person to you as well as a bit of "tough love" pointing out what you need to work on. I feel it was very valuable to do this.

School breaks are a disruption in everyone's schedule- but not the norm. You may have to focus on child care at these times, but not all the time. Hopefully you can find work outside of the home again. The social connections ( even if it's just work connections ) help as they are not usually disordered relationships, your self esteem will improve as you get positive feedback for your work. You get some adult time. Your local autism society (or equivalent in another country) might be able to recommend resources for sitters for your son, and even summer camps.

The way for improvement is to start with you and working on co-dependency. It will help you and your kids.