emotional hostage of my bpd sister

[Banjo447]

  
Hi thanks for reading and any insights you may have.

 There are 4 sisters in my family and we are a tightly knit family but we've literally been dealing with our sole bpd sister for decades, we're exhausted and tired of being held hostage by her endless need, manipulation, tantrums, jealous rages, lying trying to pit one sister against another... you all know the list goes on and on and on.

My issue is this:  I cant cut her off and I cant stop loving her because A. she's my sister and B. sometimes she's a truly amazing person... but will she ever see how much she's hurting us?

How do we tell her we can rarely do anything, I mean anything as group or larger family without her (our sister) ruining it, and god help us if we get together without her, so we've just stopped. This is so frustrating there are times I can't even look at her.

She video calls almost every day and talks and and talks and talks about her crappy life, her crappy health and how hard done by she is, her hurt feelings, how awful the other sisters are... "I DONT CARE" I want to scream but I bite my tongue and listen and listen some more...I'm rarely required to speak and that's a good thing. If I don't take her calls she pouts and sends continuous passive aggressive texts and fb meme's.. but none of them are directed at me, she just thinks I'll find them interesting.

How do you cope, when you're hating them but hating yourself more for not being able to stop enabling them? There has to be a way off this rollercoaster please help.

Thanks so much

[Couscous]

Hello and welcome!  

Stopping the enabling is not easy, and often this requires outside assistance. For that I highly recommend you check out some Al-Anon meetings and perhaps a family systems trained therapist too.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, generally speaking staying in close contact with a pwBPD is not usually possible. What I suggest is that you gradually start reducing the amount you speak with her, and at the very least, unfollow (not unfriend) her on FB, until it’s at a level that you feel happy about. This could look like talking to her once a week, once a month, or once every couple months, or even less, and only meeting with her in public, etc.— but only you will know what works for you.

I also can recommend the books, Dance of Intimacy and Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner. Jerry Wise’s YouTube channel has been a real find for me, so that’s another resource you might like to check out. All the best to you!

[Banjo447]

Hi Couscous,
Your thoughts and information are very much appreciated, thank you.

I've sent this site and some information on the Karpman Drama Triangle to the other siblings and perhaps this will help as well, as we all tend to take turns enabling her while the others get some respite.

Our BPD sister rarely leaves her home and I rarely visit with her in person our contact is limited to face time chats.

Baby steps I suppose:-) Thanks again for the information and suggested resources, I will look into them.

[beatricex]

hi Banjo,
Phew, OK some deep breaths.  B-r-e-a-t-h-e. 

Someone suggested mindfulness to me once and I thought "really? so silly, everyone has to breathe, it's not like I forget to breathe!" 

That's not really the purpose, though.  It's not about just getting air into one's lungs, it's about a process of reflecting on What I Feel.

Feeling that feeling underneath anger.  What causes you to believe you are powerless against your sister and have 'no choice.'

Unless she's actually holding you hostage you do.  Ever tried blocking her on your phone for a few hours?  Ever made a video of what she's doing that hurts you, where you just talk about your feelings using "I" statements?  Ever try to set some limits with her, or do you just 'grin and bear it?'  You have to take a least one small baby step to have a boundary, or you're right, you'll never have any boundaries with her.

It's hard, I get it.
 
b