First post - emotional wreckage dump

[9PurpleElephants]

Hi friends. Let me give a brief run down. This is going to be an emotional wreckage dump. Father was a narcissist (he had a controlling mother and emotionally distant father). My sister and I both suffered physical abuse at our father’s hand, but not our brother. I was raised in what I will refer to as a religious sect/cult, (not mentioning the actual name of the group). I grew up sheltered and controlled, with a very warped view of life and the world. My mothers’ father was an alcoholic. She insists to this day that had no effect on her or her growing up and personality. But I clearly see now that she is a codependent and that her relationship with my narcissistic father and their eventual divorce had everything to do with how I developed.

I rebelled and I married a narcissist when I was 19, that lasted 9 years, much trauma/drama and two children. That ex is an alcoholic and drug abuser. I then got into a relationship with an alcoholic and did my own dance with addiction/eating disorders. That lasted about 7-9 years off and on, and continues to be a source of issues occasionally. I have one child from that second relationship.

I spent a lot of time in therapy, studying psyche and watching a boat load of family counselors and the like on YouTube channels. All an attempt to get myself together.

Then I got involved with my current BPD. I thought I had myself together. Wow, was I wrong? I fell for some super over the top, fun loving, expressive, emotionally supportive BS. Maybe it was intended to be real, but I find the high highs never last and usually are covering up some really deep dark things.

Let me state that I went to counseling for codependency. I’m very aware of that being an issue I struggle with. I think have a firm grasp on the subject but I have lots of blind spots at the same time.

So I find myself having had a major blow up with my BPD. He has been struggling to avoid conflict, pushing down emotions and letting passive aggressiveness be the way of coping. He tends to avoid, and then blow up in anger that is clearly misdirected.  I was struggling to keep myself level and even keeled. A conversation that started with a passive aggressive comment from him grew rapidly into a screaming match. That was a week ago. It went from the BPD saying “if everyone would just listen to me and do what I say there wouldn’t be any problems”. To which I replied “you don’t’ honestly believe that, and you can’t believe I’m going to fall for that BS, you always will find another problem, nothing is ever going to be good enough because you don’t ever actually deal with what the real problem is”. Which turned into him saying basically he know that and he hates himself and I walked away. We have not spoken since except for a few short sentences. I finally decided the situation needed confronted.

I had been trying to compose myself for the last week. Tried to build myself up but feeling pins and needles of anxiety all the while. Anytime I thought I would try to talk to him my throat closes up and I begin to feel like I will cry uncontrollably. My shoulders tighten and I can’t catch my breath. I’ve become so stressed that my bottom lip turned into one giant fever blister and I had an acne break out (I am entirely too old for acne).

The boyfriend has never been diagnosed with BPD. He was forced once as a teenager to go to anger management. He walked out of the session within the first 15 minutes, storming off in a rage apparently. I am the one that claims he has BPD. If you read a book about it, just check all the boxes. If you watch a video about BPD, shake your head yes for the entire length of the episode. It’s all there in black and white thinking. And when I realized that BPD was why he was suffering I felt like a complete idiot for missing all the red flags.

When I met my BPD, I saw his moodiness and high/low extremes right away. He was married when I met him, and he explained his moodiness as being because of his terrible, awful wife. We had met a few years prior, and became friends at work. I got emotionally entangled and that story wrote itself. I felt like I could help him, and he let me because he was perfectly willing to have someone else buy into the story of his problems being someone else’s fault.

Well, so now I’m several years into a relationship that’s been off and on, he’s ghosted me at least three times. Now we’ve lived together for  almost a year. And I’ve been beginning to feel like I’m living with an addict again…I guess mental illness is mental illness no matter what label you put on it. Gaslighting is gaslighting. Manipulation is manipulation. Passive aggressive behavior is the same under the mental illness umbrella. Abusive language and scapegoating feels the same no matter who it comes from or what label they carry.

Anyway, I tried to tell him I couldn’t take the childish behavior from him anymore , wouldn’t be treated like a child myself, can’t take the blame for everything, can’t be responsible for all of it, cant make his decisions for him, I can’t control everything just because he can’t cope with things and refuses to do anything to take charge of his own life. Told him he needs to get help. And then it turned on me right away, he said of course everything is his fault, always is, nothing matters at all so why bother. And he left. Revved  off in his muscle car. Don’t know where he went. I’m sure he won’t talk to me for as long as I don’t try to confront him again because he will probably just try to bury the whole situation. It will come up later in a fit of anger, that is if I decide to try to resume life as normal.

My son lives with us. He’s afraid I’m going to get hit. He doesn’t want to be around the BPD at all unless I’m around and still not even then.

I’d like to help my BPD get better. Don’t think I can. I don’t think he wants to get better. Not sure what to do at the moment. Don’t know how much time I can give this. I’m declining mentally at a rapid pace. I can feel it. My health is suffering. I have two jobs. The BPD has none because he injured his back a while ago. He’s made sure there were plenty of reason to not get things done to get him better there in that situation too. Always an excuse of why he couldn’t get a procedure done or why some doctors office wasn’t good enough. His injury to his back, of course in his mind that was someone else’s fault as well, even though it occurred because he was in a fit of rage and he was careless in what he was doing.

Man, the more I write here the more angry I’m getting right now so I’m going to stop there. Thanks if you read all this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi friends. Let me give a brief run down. This is going to be an emotional wreckage dump. Father was a narcissist (he had a controlling mother and emotionally distant father). My sister and I both suffered physical abuse at our father’s hand, but not our brother. I was raised in what I will refer to as a religious sect/cult, (not mentioning the actual name of the group). I grew up sheltered and controlled, with a very warped view of life and the world. My mothers’ father was an alcoholic. She insists to this day that had no effect on her or her growing up and personality. But I clearly see now that she is a codependent and that her relationship with my narcissistic father and their eventual divorce had everything to do with how I developed.

I rebelled and I married a narcissist when I was 19, that lasted 9 years, much trauma/drama and two children. That ex is an alcoholic and drug abuser. I then got into a relationship with an alcoholic and did my own dance with addiction/eating disorders. That lasted about 7-9 years off and on, and continues to be a source of issues occasionally. I have one child from that second relationship.

I spent a lot of time in therapy, studying psyche and watching a boat load of family counselors and the like on YouTube channels. All an attempt to get myself together.

Then I got involved with my current BPD. I thought I had myself together. Wow, was I wrong? I fell for some super over the top, fun loving, expressive, emotionally supportive BS. Maybe it was intended to be real, but I find the high highs never last and usually are covering up some really deep dark things.

Let me state that I went to counseling for codependency. I’m very aware of that being an issue I struggle with. I think have a firm grasp on the subject but I have lots of blind spots at the same time.

So I find myself having had a major blow up with my BPD. He has been struggling to avoid conflict, pushing down emotions and letting passive aggressiveness be the way of coping. He tends to avoid, and then blow up in anger that is clearly misdirected.  I was struggling to keep myself level and even keeled. A conversation that started with a passive aggressive comment from him grew rapidly into a screaming match. That was a week ago. It went from the BPD saying “if everyone would just listen to me and do what I say there wouldn’t be any problems”. To which I replied “you don’t’ honestly believe that, and you can’t believe I’m going to fall for that BS, you always will find another problem, nothing is ever going to be good enough because you don’t ever actually deal with what the real problem is”. Which turned into him saying basically he know that and he hates himself and I walked away. We have not spoken since except for a few short sentences. I finally decided the situation needed confronted.

I had been trying to compose myself for the last week. Tried to build myself up but feeling pins and needles of anxiety all the while. Anytime I thought I would try to talk to him my throat closes up and I begin to feel like I will cry uncontrollably. My shoulders tighten and I can’t catch my breath. I’ve become so stressed that my bottom lip turned into one giant fever blister and I had an acne break out (I am entirely too old for acne).

The boyfriend has never been diagnosed with BPD. He was forced once as a teenager to go to anger management. He walked out of the session within the first 15 minutes, storming off in a rage apparently. I am the one that claims he has BPD. If you read a book about it, just check all the boxes. If you watch a video about BPD, shake your head yes for the entire length of the episode. It’s all there in black and white thinking. And when I realized that BPD was why he was suffering I felt like a complete idiot for missing all the red flags.

When I met my BPD, I saw his moodiness and high/low extremes right away. He was married when I met him, and he explained his moodiness as being because of his terrible, awful wife. We had met a few years prior, and became friends at work. I got emotionally entangled and that story wrote itself. I felt like I could help him, and he let me because he was perfectly willing to have someone else buy into the story of his problems being someone else’s fault.

Well, so now I’m several years into a relationship that’s been off and on, he’s ghosted me at least three times. Now we’ve lived together for  almost a year. And I’ve been beginning to feel like I’m living with an addict again…I guess mental illness is mental illness no matter what label you put on it. Gaslighting is gaslighting. Manipulation is manipulation. Passive aggressive behavior is the same under the mental illness umbrella. Abusive language and scapegoating feels the same no matter who it comes from or what label they carry.

Anyway, I tried to tell him I couldn’t take the childish behavior from him anymore , wouldn’t be treated like a child myself, can’t take the blame for everything, can’t be responsible for all of it, cant make his decisions for him, I can’t control everything just because he can’t cope with things and refuses to do anything to take charge of his own life. Told him he needs to get help. And then it turned on me right away, he said of course everything is his fault, always is, nothing matters at all so why bother. And he left. Revved  off in his muscle car. Don’t know where he went. I’m sure he won’t talk to me for as long as I don’t try to confront him again because he will probably just try to bury the whole situation. It will come up later in a fit of anger, that is if I decide to try to resume life as normal.

My son lives with us. He’s afraid I’m going to get hit. He doesn’t want to be around the BPD at all unless I’m around and still not even then.

I’d like to help my BPD get better. Don’t think I can. I don’t think he wants to get better. Not sure what to do at the moment. Don’t know how much time I can give this. I’m declining mentally at a rapid pace. I can feel it. My health is suffering. I have two jobs. The BPD has none because he injured his back a while ago. He’s made sure there were plenty of reason to not get things done to get him better there in that situation too. Always an excuse of why he couldn’t get a procedure done or why some doctors office wasn’t good enough. His injury to his back, of course in his mind that was someone else’s fault as well, even though it occurred because he was in a fit of rage and he was careless in what he was doing.

Man, the more I write here the more angry I’m getting right now so I’m going to stop there. Thanks if you read all this.

First, welcome to the fam.  . Second, glad you found us, but sorry for the circumstances that led you to seeking us out. You are definitely in the right place and we do get it here. Many of us can relate and understand. So feel free to post as much as you need to. Ask as many questions as you want to...regardless if they seem trivial or silly...you just ask and let this fam help you on your journey. We have your back here.

Also, just a note...yes we do pay attention here and we do read what you have to say...all of it ;-). I am more of the letting you vent so you get it out in the open observer and let you go at your own pace. I'll interject when necessary. Just know I do pay attention and keep tabs. My team and the rest of the fam here will most certainly chime in and provide support. You are safe here.

In the meantime keep your head up, please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Couscous]

Hi 9PurpleElephants,

I was raised in what I will refer to as a religious sect/cult, (not mentioning the actual name of the group). I grew up sheltered and controlled, with a very warped view of life and the world. My mothers’ father was an alcoholic. She insists to this day that had no effect on her or her growing up and personality. But I clearly see now that she is a codependent and that her relationship with my narcissistic father and their eventual divorce had everything to do with how I developed.

I could have written all of the above, word for word…

It sounds like you have been working very hard on your recovery. Have you tried Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics by any chance?

[9PurpleElephants]

Thanks for your comment. I definitely could use feeling heard and understood right now. I really appreciate you sharing that you can relate. 

I had gone to Alanon meetings for a brief time, I also went to AA meetings with other family members for support on several occasions.

I consider myself an addict, because I do use food and exercise, relationships and other things as a way of escaping and coping.

I can manage these problems, but the one day at a time aspect of the programs is something I forget to practice and it really gets away from me. I know my hubris kicks in, I think I’m good and everything is okay, and forget to stay present. Then after the downward spiral has happened I feel ashamed of myself.

And that’s where I find myself now. Instead of saying “how did this happen” I’m saying, “I should have known this was happening and should have known better”. I’m definitely feeling some dirty, dirty guilt and shame.

I bought “stop walking on eggshells” today and started reading that. My hope is if I put some focus on educating myself and being honest about my part in things, maybe that can start some healing.