New to this forum. I am a victim of DV and looking for advice

[Hayduke81]

Hi there, I am a cis man in a relationship with my partner, who has BPD. I am the victim of DV multiple times and this resulted in me tearing my ACL and meniscus in my left knee as a result of being attacked while sleeping. I just had major surgery and am recovering at my moms house. There have been multiple instances of abuse, most of which were verbal but then escalated to physical violence. I have no idea how the cops weren't called. The apartment complex called and I formed us that the neighbors were complaining about all of the yelling. I'm 40 and this is my first real relationship of any length. We have been together for 8 years but the violence only started in the last year and a half. Everyone is telling me to leave her but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. I didn't leave her when the violence happened, I stayed and tried to make things work. I don't know what to do or who to even talk to. We are in couples therapy and she in in individual therapy specializing in DBT therapy. I think she's trying to get help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

A quick reply, as I am going to bed, it is midnight where I am.

DBT is probably the best thing to treat BPD, I suggest that you do it with her, for her to get the maximum benefit from it.

Also, if you aren't already, also get your own individual therapy to address these issues, one that has experience of the borderline.  If you can't find that, fine one that specializes in 'high conflict' relationships.

My person with uBPD has gotten violent with me in my sleep when I am snoring and keeping her up, it is very triggering for her.

I would suggest a 'sleep divorce' where you sleep in separate rooms in the same apartment considering the level of injuries that you have sustained.  A $40 inflatable mattress would work if you don't want to sleep on the couch.

Battery by a woman statistically speaking indicates that there is at least a 50% chance that she has diagnosable BPD which you have indicated that she already has.

You are at the right place, go ahead and ask questions.  I and others will respond, and offer up support.

[Hayduke81]

Thank you. The attack(s) on me while sleeping didn't have anything to do with snoring. She was making her lunch when this happened. She could not find a jar lid and that set her off and she proceeded to attack me. This wasn't the only time, but the violence was so bad that I have blocked some of it in my memory. I have wondered if she might have CPTSD. In which case I think EMDR might help. Any thoughts?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there-

I am deeply sorry for what has happened to you; and the pain, both physical and emotional that this relationship has, is and will likely continue to bring to you.  Unless these very serious and dangerous issues are addressed and changes are made over the long term.

You state that you have been a DV victim at the hands of your partner multiple times.  Yet it seems she has had no consequences for this violent behavior.  Sadly, many men feel the need to downplay or completely hide the truth and horror of these experiences.  When it happened to me (I’m a woman), I grabbed the phone, dialed 911 and slammed it down before they answered when my exH screamed at me that “you’d better not be calling the cops!”.  The call went through anyway... and they showed up and arrested him.  There was no one else who would have heard that night.  And if you go back into that apartment with her, you cannot count on anyone else to call for you.

So how unsafe would that be for you?

No matter how you think you feel my friend, you’ve GOT to shine sunlight on your situation.  Whether that be with your local police station, privately with an attorney, a DV hotline... but you’ve got to.

And yes, please... for your own wellbeing, a therapist of your own.  Most of us who endure years of emotional abuse (followed by physical attacks) suffer from real issues of our own.  And we HAVE to handle these in safe settings separately from our partners.  There is pain underneath our reasons, I know.  And I’m sorry.  But this not really knowing can and does have a price that may just be too high.  And may not be able to be undone.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh... that’s not my intention at all.  Please take care of your health and your heart.  You cannot fix her.  It’s okay to wish for and work toward an improved relationship, just please do it safely.

Your thoughts?

Hugs and healing to you,
Gems

[SaltyDawg]

I concur with Gems and agree with her.  I am going to share my story of DV [currently in progress, again, unfortunately]

I am not going the 911 route [yet], as as her violence towards me hurts a little, but doesn't injure [no bruises, no cuts, a stretched shirt (not torn) and only two times just minor pain at the impact site for a few days whether that is punching or kicking on her part].  Overall, I feel fairly safe, as that is the 3rd incident this year, and 5th overall in 22 years.  Having some law enforcement training myself, it is on the borderline of being reportable [bad pun not intended], as there is no physical evidence and it would be her word against mine - and guess who wins in this scenario - the female.

I am addressing it tomorrow with our Couple's therapist, who is a mandated reporter under state law. 

Her most recent violent actions where inexplicable, she hit me over the placement of a coercion doll called 'elf on the shelf' for our 11yo son that she flip/flopped on moving it from the previous evening -- so I will let the couple's T, determine if it needs to be escalated.  To her credit, when she lost control, she immediately stopped, recognized it, and apologized for it, and begged me not to report it.  Because she did that, I did not report it right away, and I did 'forgive her'; however, I did raise the issue with my individual therapist the following day, and she said it should definitely be raised in couple's therapy which will happen tomorrow.  I will update the next day or two on how that went.

I suspect, since we are actually making progress [ultra-rare for an undiagnosed pwBPD], it may have been an event of 'self-sabotage' which is a BPD trait, in addition to being impulsive a 'BPD symptom'.  Any woman who commits battery against a man, statistically speaking has a 50% chance of being diagnosable as BPD.  I am hoping and praying that the couple's T will change her mind about my suggestion of BPD after we review the facts of the incident tomorrow.

Regarding therapists -- there are currently 4 working on my situation.  Her individual, my individual, our couple's, and a family therapist.   BPD is hard to treat, and you can't have too many therapists working on it.  One word of advise regarding T's find ones that you can click with as unrecognized BPD is incredibly hard to treat. 

I do want the best for my wife, and in turn for our children, but I will not allow physical violence as that is a firm boundary for me that will be addressed.

However, in your situation, with physical injury, you can make a report.  Your situation sounds a bit different than mine, as there may be evidence in the form of documentable injuries there.  Definitely have some kind of consequence to your partner's actions, whether this is 911 call or with a couple's therapist is your call.  However, if you do nothing [other than complain here], it will more than likely happen again.

Only you can take care of you -- it is part of self-care.  In this journey, I have discovered that self-care is the number one thing you can do for yourself.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

Update from yesterday's post:

I did share with the couple's T that my wife "when she lost control, she immediately stopped, recognized it, and apologized for it, and begged me not to report it.  Because she did that, I did not report it right away, and I did 'forgive her'".  The couple's T, who is aware of the high-conflict relationship, did not escalate it as my wife described it as a 'shoving/pushing' incident; however, the T did lecture us on what DV is and how shoving/pushing can quickly escalate to DV and can be reported by her.

She also came up with some strategies to reduce the conflict.  I will discuss this incident one more time with my individual T tomorrow, and hopefully put this incident to bed.

[Go3737]

My wife got drunk and attacked me last night.
Not the first time. I called the cops.
My son picked her up and took her to his home. She screamed all night and ran out at 4:30 am.
Showed back up here.
I am barricaded in my bedroom.
I filed for divorce today. Ive had enough and its becoming dangerous.
I love her very much and this is heartbreaking. But I have no choice. She refuses to get help.
I have to find a place to stay pronto. Even rent a room in someones home.

[SaltyDawg]

That really unfortunate.

Make sure you video record her while she's doing all this crazy stuff. It will make your legal proceedings go that much easier.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you. The attack(s) on me while sleeping didn't have anything to do with snoring. She was making her lunch when this happened. She could not find a jar lid and that set her off and she proceeded to attack me. This wasn't the only time, but the violence was so bad that I have blocked some of it in my memory. I have wondered if she might have CPTSD. In which case I think EMDR might help. Any thoughts?

EMDR can help with CPTSD, but it takes time. I have CPTSD and have done EMDR. It does work for trauma. It's not a quick fix by any means, though, especially if there have been many years of traumatic incidents (as it is for me).

It's possible for someone to have both BPD and CPTSD. However, EMDR will not treat the BPD. This is because EMDR is centered around replacing negative internal messages with positive internal messages, "flipping" the neural pathways from negative to positive. The reason that doesn't work for BPD is because the pwbpd truly believes the negative internal messages (this is what my trauma therapist told me).

[Outdorenthusiast]

There have been multiple instances of abuse, most of which were verbal but then escalated to physical violence. …… I'm 40 and this is my first real relationship of any length. We have been together for 8 years but the violence only started in the last year and a half. Everyone is telling me to leave her but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. I didn't leave her when the violence happened, I stayed and tried to make things work. I don't know what to do or who to even talk to. We are in couples therapy and she in in individual therapy specializing in DBT therapy. I think she's trying to get help.

I am sorry that this has happened to you, it must be so very frightening and emotionally painful for you to have someone you care about treat you like this.  I am a male and my wife has done similar things. My advice is to have very clear strong boundaries of what is and is not acceptable, and for you to decide what consequences occur if the boundaries are crossed.  For me a consequence that occurs is that I move out of our bedroom into a different bedroom with locks so that I can feel safe.  Therapy both individually and together is highly recommended. Until she recognizes and develops the tools to minimize the trigger incidents and her responses, the situation will likely continue or even escalate.

I echo many others comments on here: document, document, document.  Whether that be in video form audio form or journaling you need to protect yourself. Today you feel you can manage, but If you are like me you forget a lot as a coping mechanism.  You may never need this documented information but you should HAVE this information. The fear of abandonment is real with BPD, and if she feels she will be abandoned, she can turn the legal system against you as a man, and the system is biased against men.  Better safe than sorry.  Documentation can also help to find patterns that can be shared in therapy. Patterns of stress, patterns of sleep loss, trigger events that need to be worked on and many other things can be found through documentation.  Journaling Documentation can also be used for you to periodically review the type of life you have, and decide how you want to manage it going forward so you can have a happy life.

Build yourself a strong social network of friends and family where you can be yourself and not walk on eggshells.

You aren’t alone.