My husband

[Nhie5]

So my husband who is a medical doctor, not a therapist or psychologist has a huge issue with my daughter she is 22 . She has some symptoms of borderline and also an eating disorder. this post right now is about my husband and his lack of support for the disease. I actually want to know if there are others out there that have similar issues. My daughter can home for thanksgiving and he was basically unresponsive to her so we never had dinner and she left the next morning. I found this note he wrote to her - but has yet to send it - I will love comments please
 


 I am writing this message to express my anger and disappointment in you. I would prefer that you not share this message with your mother, but I  have come to realize that unless you include your mother in your misery, you seem to be left unsatisfied . You have this need to , rather than protect her ,  to insure that she suffers and receives your  punishing abuse. Without inflicting pain, you have no relief.
        That said, you have become the ultimate grinch in our home…. Stealing Christmas, Thanksgiving and all holidays from occurring, a real blow to your mothers joy.
         I have taken it upon myself to make it abundantly clear just how much disruption you have had in our lives ; how much hurt, destruction and havoc you have spread to all those you touch, but especially your mother. You perpetuate these awful histrionics ,threats and emotional emergencies, yet you never acknowledge your misbehavior, and certainly never show any remorse. Apologies and responsibility is clearly not in your personal inventory.
            I bring this to your attention because you have convinced your mother and therapists that you are just to delicate and fragile to hear anything negative about yourself and your rants. I disagree . I do hold you responsible for your emotional tyranny, and need to make you face the misery you have provided… I will not ignore your actions , and like your mother make believe they didn’t occur. You seem to be able to control yourself at work, but refuse to exercise the same control with family. You must do better.
      For so many years you ignored me and walked past me as if I didn’t exist. An expression onyour face like you were guarding the tomb of the unknown soldiers. I could have burst into flames and you would not have blinked or turned your head. I found your behavior to be disrespectful and abhorrent…. But mostly unforgivable.
          I  am including my assessment of our situation that I have forwarded to my therapist.
You should also know that your mother has concluded that you and I should never share the same room again or see each other again. Your mother has promised you will not return to Denville. So this will be my last communication with you. Your mother did not condone my reaching out because she feels you are too ill and weak to endure any  negative reviews; but I could not go quietly into that good night without letting all these pent up feelings come to light. Although you and your disease prevent you from showing any gratitude or appreciation, I wanted to tell you you're welcome for all of the wonderful things I have done for you. I hope you get stable and become a whole person, . I do feel better  for getting this off my chest……

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Golly Nashie5!  I read the note to you in your previous post and was thinking about how I would respond - now this!

So, thinking out loud and in relation to your husband:
He is a doctor, acknowledges your dd has a mental health issue yet you say that when dd came home, 'he was unresponsive to her'. That could be because there is a build up of resentment (either of him attempting to communicate with dd or he feels side-lined by your attention to your daughter).

In spite of acknowledging dd's mental health issues, I get the feeling he has a picture in his mind of what that means and doesn't really have any understanding of what BPD or deep depression or even eating disorders actually look like. I note he has a therapist who would surely help him understand?

In the case of bpd, triangles are always just so difficult. There are people here though whose partners are fully supportive in very trying circumstances; in other cases people are in the same position as yourself.

Re sending this to your dd
I personally shudder to think that this would be sent to your dd. You say dd has a pattern of contemplating suicide about once a fortnight, but you have just got through a fortnight without this.

My question to dh would be: 'How would you feel if the content of this letter caused dd to action that threat?' In other words, yes he has got this off his chest (and he has a therapist to help him with his response to all this) but has he given any thought at all to possible consequences?

My other thought is whether you and dh have attended any counselling together to discuss all of this?  If not I feel this would be a very good thing to do. DH is letting all his thoughts and feelings about the situation out - but ultimately it is just pushing you into a corner.

I hope you can involve someone else in this situation. DH has laid out how he feels - have you had the opportunity to do the same? Personally I do think it is much better to have another party - someone experienced in the fields your dd has to deal with preferably - so that you can be guided through a process of trying to be on the same page.

You may have done this already  . . .

Please post again and let us know what is happening. This seems like a critical moment in your family and a careful response is needed to hopefully encourage a positive direction forward.

Thinking of you  . . .

[pursuingJoy]

Nashie5, my husband has issues with my BPD kid, too. He has felt all of the same emotions your husband feels, though I wouldn't say he acknowledges BPD.

The fact that your husband is in counseling is great. Does he respond to the counselor's feedback?

The fact that your husband got all of these feelings out on paper is great too. We all need to vent, especially those feelings that will hurt people's feelings.

I'm with Sancho in hoping that your husband will choose NOT to send the letter. My husband needed time to manage his own emotions and recover from the hurt that was inflicted. Time and space has helped. I've had to do what I can to sustain a relationship with my kids outside of my husband. He doesn't have the emotional resilience to cope with her BPD, and she is triggered by him.

I'm sorry for the ways I know this affects you. I have felt alone in managing my daughter. I've felt resentment towards my husband for making things worse. I've felt fear that I'll lose my daughter forever. I've felt unsupported by my husband. I'm also way stronger and more resilient than I ever knew, and have discovered beauty in life even amidst these painful experiences. Big hug to you, mama.

pj

[Nhie5]

Hi PJ,

Well, my husband is not in therapy I know he said that in his venting note but he is not seeking therapy. I feel the same about having to handle this alone - I feel so torn. My husband has alienated his two biologic children - I dont know the entire story only his side. He was also in a relationship with a women that had two girls that were in his life from 17-approx 30 and I know them very well and I feel that he is wrong in that situation. Now my daughter and all I really want from him is to be understanding but he feels that she is punishing him on purpose and I disagree . But my daughter is always going to be my number 1 . Hugs to you too - lets keep talking maybe we can help each other


Nashie

[Turkish]

My husband has alienated his two biologic children - I dont know the entire story only his side.

That is a significant data point, yes?

Despite the destruction and pain that pwBPD can cause, that's a  letter.

[pursuingJoy]

He's not really going to send the letter, is he, Nashie?

Well, my husband is not in therapy I know he said that in his venting note but he is not seeking therapy.

My husband has alienated his two biologic children - I dont know the entire story only his side.

he feels that she is punishing him on purpose and I disagree .

These points would all concern me too. Is he open to counseling? At the least, marriage counseling? I imagine this has been difficult for your relationship. Our marriage counselor was able to provide advice and guidance on family dynamics that helped quite a bit.

If your husband continues to actively show this level of emotional dysregulation, it will make it all the more difficult for your daughter to find her own baseline. She will continually feel invalidated, and without support, will be less likely she will learn tools to manage her own emotions.

I tried so hard, for too long, to bridge the gap between my H and my daughters. If I had accepted their inevitable and eventual break, could I have saved us all some heartache?  Do you ever find yourself doing the same, bridging and keeping the peace in the hopes it will change?

[river girl]

Nashie,,  this is a lonely place to be. I hear your loneliness and despair. I have also been there. The lack of empathy has hurt our daughter so much. I do hear a lot of concern for you from your husband. I think our husbands are envious of all the time, energy and attention it takes to be there for our struggling children sometimes. I could never recommend this because I am not a therapist but it seems like you could act to prevent this letter from getting to your daughter. I have also, and I don’t know if this was right or not,spoken with my daughter about how hard it is for her dad to deal with her struggles in a helpful way at times.  I have made it clear to her that he loves her very much but just doesn’t know how to handle it sometimes. It seemed to comfort her and it was the truth so I shared it with her. It may not have been right but I did it because I thought she deserved to understand that we are also human and mess up sometimes.

Good luck to you and I will hold you in my prayers.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I do hear a lot of concern for you from your husband. I think our husbands are envious of all the time, energy and attention it takes to be there for our struggling children sometimes.  

While it might be concern, I actually saw a lot of triangulation in the letter... Positioning himself as the Savior and persecute your daughter, Nashie5.

PwBPD are very hard to deal with... But answering to them by creating more drama and triangulation is simply never a solution... Worst case scenario, it will completely alienates her from you...

It is clear to me he is not being actually considerate of you in his letter. He is only thinking of himself and his anger and resentment...and it somehow feels righteous to him because he is positioning himself as Savior in the triangle... But it's still persecution and more drama in the end...

Sorry if this is blunt... But I don't think you will gain anything by this letter being sent. This is your daughter, and this will impact your relationship with her. I however think, if something is to change in your relationship with YOUR daughter, then YOU need to be the one to set the stage for the change, not him...

I understand it isn't an easy position to be in...but to think you found this letter, that he didn't share it with you, that he considered sending it, and demand that your daughter doesn't tell you about it... It just feels so very wrong.

I understand him needing to vent, I truly do, but if he was actually going to send it? Then this whole thing is a big red flag to me.

Just my two cents... The actual truth and objective of your H here, only you can know, because you know him best and live with him. While I just see the letter...

Good luck. 

[Couscous]

I would highly recommend you seek out family therapy with a family systems trained therapist. It sounds to me like your H is displacing his anger toward you onto your daughter. You said that your daughter is always your number 1 when in fact, your H is supposed to be your number 1. It sounds like your H is the "outsider" on the triangle between you, your daughter and him, and this is a very unpleasant place for a spouse to be. I also highly recommend the book, The Emotional Incest Syndrome, reviewed on this site.

[pilgrimheart]

Hi Nashie5, I can only imagine how distressing it was for you to find this letter.  As I read it I found it similar to a couple of letters I have written to express feelings I couldn't put into words when face to face with that certain person.  They were pretty brutal but helped me to look at how I was feeling about things more clearly.  However, the letters were never meant to be delivered.  Just written and later destroyed. Is it possible that was your husbands intention?  I'm not trying to downplay the hurt and anger in that letter or how upsetting it was for you to read it.   

[Nhie5]

Thank you everyone for your replies . He has not sent the letter to her. But it breaks my heart because I can't even have her come home for the holidays .
My husband has been in therapy many times - but his issue is that he does not think he has the problem it is everyone around him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

What a challenging blended family situation you are in -- I think I have refreshed my memory that your H is not your D's dad.

How long has your H been in your D's life? Were things more okay in the past, but more conflicted now? Or has there always been a similar level of frustration and conflict? I know either way it can't have been what you wanted, for them or yourself.

Does your H have any children of his own, from a previous relationship? Do you have other children? Just wanting to learn more about his relationships with kids.

Stepparenting is very difficult (my H has two kids), which isn't to excuse his behavior. It sounds like he's dealing with his frustration and disappointment in a less constructive way. It is hard that at this point in his life, he isn't open yet to see his role in these kinds of conflicts.

Of course you wish you all could be together for the holidays. If this isn't the year for that to happen, I would hope there could be a way for you to spend time with your D 1x1, to get that time with her? I'm picturing that this is maybe a year to give yourself a break, know that emotions and tensions are too high between your H and your D for them to spend time together, and let things cool off -- just for now. Maybe you could then enjoy some time with your D that is more relaxed, and then have a special time with your H that is more relaxed, and try again next year.

Planning stepfamily holidays is tricky under the best circumstances -- we missed Thanksgiving with the kids this year due to not wanting to escalate a conflict over their mom's plans. It's hard to miss a holiday, yet it kept the conflict from escalating, and we will spend a lot of Christmas time together. Maybe next year we'll try again for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, lots of brainstorming, so I'll wrap things up there. Really glad you gave us an update on how you're doing. Will be thinking about you and hoping for the best this holiday season 

[Nhie5]

How long has your H been in your D's life?   since 2015


Were things more okay in the past, but more conflicted now?  things were only good in the beginning than no things really haven't been good

Or has there always been a similar level of frustration and conflict? always frustration - he feels he did everything for her and she did nothing - which is not true

 I know either way it can't have been what you wanted, for them or yourself.  correct I am a half glass full person and I have tried so hard to make this work

Does your H have any children of his own, from a previous relationship? so yes he does he has two biological kids  which he hasn't talked to in at least 20 years - he also was in a relationship with a women that had twin girls that he took in when they were 17 and again no relationship - feels betray by them and also used


 Do you have other children?   I have an older step daughter that lives with her husband \\Just wanting to learn more about his relationships with kids.

Stepparenting is very difficult (my H has two kids), which isn't to excuse his behavior. It sounds like he's dealing with his frustration and disappointment in a less constructive way. It is hard that at this point in his life, he isn't open yet to see his role in these kinds of conflicts.

Of course you wish you all could be together for the holidays. If this isn't the year for that to happen, I would hope there could be a way for you to spend time with your D 1x1, to get that time with her?  yes I will go see her on  Christmas Eve


 I'm picturing that this is maybe a year to give yourself a break, know that emotions and tensions are too high between your H and your D for them to spend time together, and let things cool off -- just for now. Maybe you could then enjoy some time with your D that is more relaxed, and then have a special time with your H that is more relaxed, and try again next year.

Planning stepfamily holidays is tricky under the best circumstances -- we missed Thanksgiving with the kids this year due to not wanting to escalate a conflict over their mom's plans. It's hard to miss a holiday, yet it kept the conflict from escalating, and we will spend a lot of Christmas time together. Maybe next year we'll try again for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, lots of brainstorming, so I'll wrap things up there. Really glad you gave us an update on how you're doing. Will be thinking about you and hoping for the best this holiday season  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)


Thank you so much for answering me - this totally helps to know that I am not alone.

[Couscous]

Nashie5, it certainly does sound like your H has his own issues, and I wonder if the book, When Your Daughter Has BPD, might be helpful for the two of you to read and discuss together. He may have some valid points that he isn’t able to articulate very well to you, and perhaps this book will help him to feel like his perspective is not completely invalid, and the book will help you to set appropriate limits with respect to any lashing out that your D engages in, which seems to be what your H attempting to do in a rather harsh manner.

Your D needs love andlimits. If you were able to set more limits with her you would probably find that he lightens up. Right now it looks like you are all love, while he is all limits, in order to balance things out, a very common issue for parents.

[Glenna]

Hi,
My first impression was that your husband cares for you and is furious at the pain and misery that you are subjected to. This is normal and loving. Having a UBPDD who is 43 and having suffered much with no one around to care, I think you are very fortunate to have him. I identify with most of what he said and I think he describes the horror if it well. Yes, they spoil, not only holidays, but simple days, all kinds of days, actually subtracting days from our lives.
I also so sympathize with his annoyance at them being too delicate to hear the truth! How bizarre that is. I am now 76 and now that I am more delicate than her healthwise, does that make her be nicer? Not at all.
I was thinking today about how it's said that they are so sensitive it's like a person with 3rd degree burns so you can't dare touch them with even a feather. I was thinking why are they in such pain?
I'm wondering if it is possibly the pain of envy. I am fortunate to have felt jealousy and envy very seldom in my life but I can say that it was excruciating.
I have come to believe, from much experience and suffering, that people of the BPD sort are extremely envious or jealous of people who are 'normal.'  I think they envy simple sanity. And certainly they do their best to destroy sanity.
Your husband's letter was very sane. I'm not saying he should send it, but it is definitely sane.
Glenna

[Couscous]

Yes, they spoil, not only holidays, but simple days, all kinds of days, actually subtracting days from our lives.

This is where limits comes into play. Perhaps it’s time to change things up, and go to Hawaii for Christmas, or go out to a restaurant (and everyone pitch in to cover the bill). Or “retire” from hosting family gatherings entirely allowing you the freedom to leave a gathering early if drama breaks out. When there is a pwBPD in the family, family gatherings are very tricky, and meeting up for time-limited structured activities like bowling, or mini-golf, or a meal out at a restaurant or even meeting up for coffee at a coffee shop, are all ways to maintain some contact with a pwBPD while reducing the possibility for conflict. We do have options other than always turning the other cheek when it comes to how we interact with a pwBPD.