Hi Mistermr1980, glad you reached out. I hear the confusion throughout your post, and yeah, it makes seeing what's going on and having insight really hard.
A sort of aura of confusion around people, words, situations, emotions, might be one way of describing BPD -- pwBPD (persons with BPD, whether diagnosed or not) often seem to 110% believe what they feel in the moment -- both that "they've always felt this way" and that those feelings are factual information about the world. And yet, part of the disorder is rapidly changing, harmfully intense emotions. So, like you said:
One minute she hates me and I’m the worst then she’s hugging and kissing me and telling me she loves me so much and then asks what’s wrong when I seem confused or not ready to just cuddle and kiss like I haven’t just been torn down for no reason
She can go from "I hate you" to "let's kiss" in almost a minute, and believe it (or seem to believe it, either or), yet you, with "broadly normal" emotional processing and insight, are left reeling.
Difficult and confusing for sure.
One place to start, when sifting through all the info (and urban legends) out there about BPD, is this article on our site, about
what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.
Another good one to check out is the article on
"I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?"Give those a look and let us know if anything stood out to you.
There is so much confusion when dealing with a pwBPD. A lot of "normal" interactions or problem-solving tools don't work so well. Hopefully as you learn more about some non-intuitive tools and skills here, some of the fog may clear, and you'll be able to decide what you want in your relationship going forward, more clearly than now.
Keep us in the loop;
kells76
