At the end of our rope

[TiredMama22]

Adult son has BDP, been inpatient treatment or PHP continually for 11 months now.  Prior to this he was off and on for 7 months.  Although he has had issues for awhile, they really got bad after he graduated from high school.  He has no money, job etc... The most recent hospitalization which happened this week was due to stealing vodka, chugging it to the point of quick intoxication- and then threatening to kill myself and husband.  In the past it has generally been him threatening to hurt himself.  We have not been able to go more than 4 weeks without an ER visit or time in an inpatient facility. This last ER visit was the worst. Since being hospitalized he has not contacted us until today.  He has no plan, won't go to therapy (in the hospital) or group- won't even give us his patient code to call him.  We can talk to the Drs because we have POA.  I do not feel comfortable having him come home- I have other children who I need to be mindful of- plus my husband's and my mental health to consider. Anyone have insight or advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi TiredMama22, welcome to the site -- sounds like you could use some extra support these days.

What a difficult combination of situations and behaviors going on with your son. It must be frustrating and heartbreaking to see him in this position where he could be taking advantage of therapy and groups, yet seems intent on hurting himself and wanting to hurt others as well.

Is your son still a young/younger adult (late teens/early 20s), or older? He must still be on your insurance?

It's good that you have POA and I'm glad you can talk with his doctors. What kinds of doctors are on his team? Medical only, or psych, or...? What is their perspective on his situation, short term and long term?

You're being wise to realize that you are responsible to care about your other kids and your marriage and mental health, too. Keeping your home a safe and peaceful place might be better for everyone long term, as it gives you a safe haven to relax and regroup. Also, in a roundabout way, it may be kinder to your son -- if he is in a place where he's threatening to hurt you and your H, then it may be more loving to him NOT to give him the opportunity to be around you and act out. I hope that can be a helpful perspective to have -- you can be doing something loving by not permitting him to be in a position to be hurtful.

Has law enforcement been involved in his current situation yet (given that he has made homicidal threats)?

Lots of questions, so I'll wrap up for now. I hope you can rest assured that you're in a place where people really get it, that it is so difficult parenting/supporting an adult child wBPD, and it's sometimes not obvious or straightforward how to best help. Many members here will walk alongside you and understand where you're coming from.

Let us know how things are going, whenever works for you --

kells76

[TiredMama22]

Hi!  Thank you for replying.  He is 20.  He is still on our insurance.  We have not involved the authorities yet, but will if things continue. 

He is set to be released tomorrow from the crisis inpatient care he is in. He is getting set up with a program for homeless adolescents.  The Dr and Social Worker think that this may be the wake up call he needs.

He has called us 2 times, both times he said he was ashamed, but that was it.  He said he did not have a plan, he was not engaging in therapy, and he doesn't know why he did what he did.  He has not taken any responsibility for his threats, admitted fault for stealing money etc.

I am not angry, I just know that this situation is not sustainable.  Since the start of 2022 he has had 11 visits to the ER. Up until this last one each was for self-harm or attempts at suicide.  This was the first one he threatened us during. I have his 20 year old adoptive sister who lives with this- she is in college and works, and recently - at his request - his biological sister from Ukraine came to be with us as well as a refugee.  She thought she could help him - however she is struggling how to understand what he is doing to himself. 

My heart is heavy- I did not go into adopting him with blinders on. I knew the risks, I tried to manage them with therapy and working with him.  My fears are that I will never see him alive again- he has had risky behaviors sexually and with drugs since he entered treatment - these behaviors even happened in the treatment centers.

Sorry I am just letting it all out...I never thought I would have to make such a decision.

[TiredMama22]

Update.  After watching a video on the site, my husband and I called him to talk again. This time he was very forthcoming, and more honest than he has been in a while.  He shared that tomorrow when he was discharged he was going to find fentanyl and overdose to kill himself.  We encouraged him to talk to his nurse, and as a follow up we called the nurse as well.  We will wait to hear what the Dr says.

[kells76]

Update.  After watching a video on the site, my husband and I called him to talk again. This time he was very forthcoming, and more honest than he has been in a while.  He shared that tomorrow when he was discharged he was going to find fentanyl and overdose to kill himself.  We encouraged him to talk to his nurse, and as a follow up we called the nurse as well.  We will wait to hear what the Dr says.

Encouraging him to talk to the nurse himself, and then you guys also staying in touch with the nurse, sounds like the best plan in the situation. It's good that he was honest with you, though the content is really, really difficult. This sounds like an appropriate way to care about your adult child, without "doing too much" for him. Reminding him of resources and then independently checking with the resource is wise.

What did the nurse say when you got in touch? What has the doctor said?

Let us know how you have been doing.