Need help with bpd ex gf urgently

[Bruno250]

Ok me and my partner broke up. We are young. She broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I’m just not contacting her as she also has me blocked. She has many mental problems anxiety depression and most importantly bpd. the break up was caused by me I suppose she didn’t even mention the stuff she did to me and made me feel but I was looking past it and moving on from it as it’s the best way to cope and not hold onto the past. I’ve never told her what she can and can’t do that’s not what a good bf does. But things that led to the break up was I was uncomfortable by someone as they’ve had history hooking up. And in a split moment another time she made me feel gross with our sex life and mentioned her past and I said something In the moment that hurt her. A month later it was going good but before her birthday she broke up with me. That morning she said how much she loved me and how she was glad to have me in her life. Then boom broken up with 2 hours later and it was messy as I felt like I was willing to work on things and she wanted a easy way out. She blocked me afterwards. She told my friend how she loves me but doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. That hurt as our relationship was amazing we only encountered a few things but overall it was bliss. She also mentioned to my friend she was doing ok with the breakup. That hurt and this was only 2-3 days after the break up and this isn’t a friend of mine she knows he reached out he’s one of my best friends. She stayed up for hours talking to him until 4 in the morning which I was hurt about she was mad then mutual and it just kept repeating. He blocked her afterwards he felt like I didn’t deserve that as my family and friends seen the amount I’ve done for her. But anyway I decided best reaction is no reaction. She talked to my mum about the during our relationship but kept talking to her afterwards. They were not that close. Then on her night out she sent my mum photos of her only with guys. She is starting conversation with my mum. She texted my mum yesterday saying she left back to her home town which was strange to me as it was 8 in the morning. I want to know what I can do to save this. I want to understand what I can do to help her I miss her. But also I’ll be ok with or without her. But I want her and only her. We were together for 4-5 months. I don’t know what any of this means. Mum believes she’s thinking about me as she keeps reaching out to her and my mum doesn’t. But mum and dad and friends family said she putting it on with being ok and all. I’m thinking of texting her next week. Just don’t know how to go about it and as I’m not gonna send her how much I’m inlove with her and how she makes my day ever so better. I came out of toxic relationship before and even though we weren’t together long her time with me scales infinity times better then my previous gf. Need opinions and help to understand her and her thought process and what she is feeling at the moment. And how do I go about getting her back and what does it mean with her contacting my mum she isn’t talking about me. But mum thinks it’s so she indirectly messages me through her. Please help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Joaquin]

I highly recommend you get the book “stop walking on eggshells” 3rd edition. Gave me tremendous validation and understanding and control. Will help you understand her behavior.

[kells76]

Hi Bruno250, welcome to the group -- you're doing a positive thing by reaching out for support and education as you decide what you want to do.

Joaquin made a great suggestion; the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" has helped so many members here have healthier boundaries and healthier interactions with pwBPD (people with BPD).

I see you posting here on the "Bettering a Relationship" board; am I tracking with you that you would like to repair the relationship?

I also am reading that you're realizing that

I want to know what I can do to save this. I want to understand what I can do to help her I miss her. But also I’ll be ok with or without her. But I want her and only her. We were together for 4-5 months. I don’t know what any of this means

It's OK to be in the place you're in, where you're working through a lot of those feelings -- I want to save this, I miss her, I'll be OK without her, I want her, but what does it all mean. pwBPD struggle with having managed/regulated emotions, a sense of identity/self, and appropriate boundaries, so sometimes that can spill over into their romantic relationships -- you, too, end up confused, all over the map, and feeling intense emotions.

While we can't predict or guarantee the outcome of any relationship, what I can say is that working on yourself, working on your own mental health and boundaries, is one of the best ways to have a better relationship. When you have a strong sense of your own values, and what you are and aren't OK with, no matter what, you'll be in a better place to have the strength to have a good relationship.

Have you heard or read much about boundaries yet? Take a look at our workshop on boundaries and values for starters and let us know what you think.

In terms of why she's talking to your mom and not you... that sounds like unhealthy triangulation to me.

Write back whenever works for you... we're glad you're here.

kells76