Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 07:19:26 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Doing ok, update, and thoughts?  (Read 792 times)
Carguy
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 325


« on: January 18, 2023, 11:16:40 PM »

Hey family! It's been awhile since I've been on here!

So my update. I haven't talked to the ex in several months.  I think in my last update at that point my ex was ignoring my existence when I would see her in public so I chose to do the same and just do my thing.

 After that I was shopping on Saturday morning and she happened to be working. I hadn't seen her until I was in the self checkout. She had came in from pushing carts in the parking lot and walked behind the customer service desk which I was standing directly in front of in the self checkout. The customer directly across from me and the other self check out needed some help and before the associate running the self checkout could come over she hurried over to help them. She was standing directly across in front of me so I just kept my head down and kept scanning my items. When the other associate came over she told him she could take over and he told her no. She left and a few minutes later I looked up and she walked past me looking directly at me with her head cocked to one side. I looked down and then looked backup at her again and she was still staring at me smiling with a look like she was saying hello cheerfully to me and wanted my attention.  She went from ignoring my existence and blocking me everywhere to this. A week later after a late night of work I walked in to the store to grab a few items and something for dinner on my way home. It was a long day so I was exhausted. When I walked in the doors she was there by the carts with her son getting a cart to do some shopping. As I walked in I looked at her and she looked at me and we both said "Hey" to each other at the same time as I walked by. A few days later I seen her by the entry working as I walked in. I looked at her and said "Hey" and she just ignored me. A few weeks later I seen her outside pushing carts as I was walking to my car. She was facing away from me and as I walked by I said playfully "Don't run me over." She just looked at me and ignored me.  I was trying to be friendly but decided after that it's just better that I go back to ignoring and just doing my thing.

So now, I'm doing fairly good. I still ruminate some about her but I have a few things I want to share and get some input and maybe some reassurance.

First, I had a dream the other night. In the past quite awhile back I would have dreams of her and I together then wake up feeling lonely and missing her. This dream we got back together and I was embarrassed about what my family would think and was regretting it. They don't exactly like her. I feel kind of bad because I do still have feelings for her and miss the good parts about her.

Second, apparently she has found someone she can "open up to" and she "feels so much better." I'm guessing it's probably another guy. I definitely felt a little jealous and there was that part of my abandonment issues that were triggered. Then I think to myself about what I have learned here and other places. They don't magically get better in the next relationship. At one time I was that person she felt she could open up to. If it is another relationship it will likely end the same way. I also reminded myself how I felt that I couldn't open up completely to her. Especially about my feelings in the relationship because she would get upset.

Third, years ago when we were first together I took her on vacation with me back to the country and city that I was born in and introduced her to that part of my family.. She had never been there before or since. She hadn't even heard of the city I'm from until then. When we were there we bought matching hoodies with the name of my city on them. She is wearing that hoodie lately. Is it just me or does that seem odd? To me it would remind me of that person and I couldn't wear it.

Anyhow I'm still struggling a little but doing better. Smiling (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: January 18, 2023, 11:22:00 PM by Carguy » Logged
cranmango
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 138



« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2023, 07:54:12 AM »

Hi Carguy, thanks for sharing. It sounds like the incidental contact with your ex recently has brought some old feelings and thought patterns back for you (including dreams). I think this is pretty typical, and it will fade with time once again.

The hoodie thing is indeed a bit odd. I’m still grappling with detachment from my ex, and that’s the exact kind of thing that would drive me bonkers! My two cents would be to focus less on “why is she wearing it?” And instead focus on “why does it feel like it matters?” There are a million reasons why she might be wearing the hoodie now. Maybe she’s trying to send you a signal and is too afraid to talk to you directly. Maybe she’s behind on laundry and it’s the only clean thing. But what does it matter for you and your healing? Try to keep the focus on you, and keep moving forward.
Logged
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3246



« Reply #2 on: January 19, 2023, 02:43:07 PM »

Good to hear back from you, Carguy;

This seems like an important insight you had:

Second, apparently she has found someone she can "open up to" and she "feels so much better." I'm guessing it's probably another guy. I definitely felt a little jealous and there was that part of my abandonment issues that were triggered. Then I think to myself about what I have learned here and other places. They don't magically get better in the next relationship. At one time I was that person she felt she could open up to. If it is another relationship it will likely end the same way. I also reminded myself how I felt that I couldn't open up completely to her. Especially about my feelings in the relationship because she would get upset.

Whatever quirks, or flaws, or coping mechanisms, or "weirdness", or irrationality she had in the past, is likely still going on, unless she has chosen to work on herself. A new relationship or "best friend" or whatnot, like you said, will not fix those issues.

Given that she's still probably making some irrational, not-explainable choices, that makes me think like cranmango is suggesting -- she is wearing the hoodie for whatever reason makes sense inside her mind, and if she struggles with BPD, it's probably meeting some emotional need in a way that won't make sense to us. Part of the disorder, I guess.

So we can decide -- do I focus on "why is she doing that?" or do I focus on "what can I do with how I feel about that?" Please know that I say that as someone who also does ask the question "why is he doing that" or "why did she XYZ". There's room for that, so maybe it's more about "yeah, I want to know why they did XYZ, and I also need to not stop there, but also work with myself". For me, my DH's kids' mom and stepdad seem to have strong disordered traits, so when they do something weird, I do ask here "what do you think they mean by doing XYZ", but I also need to ask myself "and why is this a struggle for me".

Really great to hear that you are doing a little better!
Logged
Carguy
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 325


« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2023, 09:42:15 PM »

Thanks guys! You both have points on focusing on my stuff. I know the answers to why it makes me question or struggle a little. A lot of it abandonment and acknowledgement. Jealousy is in there too.

It was confirmed to me that she is seeing someone else now. Surprisingly to me it isn't crushing me. It gets me some but not like it would have in the past. I guess part of it is because I doubt it will last with the new guy. It will likely end like it did for me and all the others in her past.

That helps me with the idea that she found someone who can make her happy unlike me. It helps me realize that it's not all me and that I wasn't good enough to make her happy. He likely won't either down the road. I have my own struggles but it helps to know I'm not unlovable and that she won't be magically cured and happy with someone else (and that it wasn't me she was cured and happy with.) It helps me to see that she has a dysfunctional way of thinking and even with my struggles it wasn't all my fault.

I'll admit that my hurt and jealous side are soothed by this as well.

I started thinking this weekend I should re-paint the inside of my house, maybe rearrange furniture, buy some rugs and TV wall mounts, and this summer build a deck and finish my basement and shop.
My thought is after 12 years it might be nice to have change. Also maybe it would help to make it feel different than it was when I was with my ex. It also helps me to have things to look forward to doing.
Logged
brighter future
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 277


« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2023, 10:12:30 AM »



It was confirmed to me that she is seeing someone else now. Surprisingly to me it isn't crushing me. It gets me some but not like it would have in the past. I guess part of it is because I doubt it will last with the new guy. It will likely end like it did for me and all the others in her past.


I started thinking this weekend I should re-paint the inside of my house, maybe rearrange furniture, buy some rugs and TV wall mounts, and this summer build a deck and finish my basement and shop.
My thought is after 12 years it might be nice to have change. Also maybe it would help to make it feel different than it was when I was with my ex. It also helps me to have things to look forward to doing.

I'm glad to see that you're getting to the point where knowing that she's with someone else isn't crushing you. I probably made it to that point about 8-9 months after the breakup. It still bothered me to some extent, but it no longer emotionally destroyed me for days at a time. For me, during that time period, I actually came to the point where I was glad that it wasn't me that was being subjected to her mental health issues, and I was happy that burden was no longer mine. Is that sort of how you feel now?

Projects around the house like you mentioned helped me a great deal by occupying my mind with something positive instead of negative. It gave me a lot of satisfaction being able to finish things that improved my quality of life and improved my property. Exercise and getting out of the house to go hiking, etc. were also very helpful to my mind and body.
Logged
Carguy
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 325


« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2023, 11:07:49 PM »

Hey Brighter Future!

So it's been about 7 for me. It still bothers me some but like you it doesn't destroy me emotionally for days at a time.

I'm feeling that way more and more. There is the part of me that is hurt and missing her but to sooth that I remind myself of the bad and I think to myself it's not me now that has to deal with it. It's him and eventually he'll get the same treatment and maybe he'll see through it.

 So I would like to vent a little if that's OK. This morning I seen a video online that she made (that was my first mistake.) In the video she went on about how this new guy is so wonderful and she's so glad she broke up with me because now she can be with him
 She said she tried to fit in with my family and they wouldn't accept her. She brought up Christmas from 2017 I believe it was. She made my ex wife and her husband at the time, my son and his girlfriend, and my other son quilts. She eventually made me one too. In the video she says how she put in all that work and spent $800 in materials to do those quilts and all they got her was a box of chocolates.  This was something she always brought up to me when it came to my family and how hurt she was. I felt bad that she got so hurt but she never remembers that I gave her a really nice necklace with her kids birthstones and initials on them. We weren't together at the time but she was living in my house rent free and not paying any utilities. My family didn't even know if she was going to be there for Christmas and knew we were having problems. They knew we were not together as well. When my ex wife found out she was going to be here, she hurried and grabbed a box of chocolates to give to her. They were unaware that they were getting quilts. Also, I paid for half of the materials for the quilts. Yes I wish that they would have got her something nice after they received the quilts but i also think money could have been tight. My one son was early teens and living at home with his mother and my other son was just out of the house starting out with his then girlfriend. I don't think any of them spent probably over twenty dollars on a present to me and I was ok with that. But I remember her pointing that out too how they got me all that and didn't get her anything. It was really upsetting to hear all that and then she says she is never coming back to me. I know we're apart and I'm trying to heal and move on but it still stung. I shouldn't have watched the video.
Logged
cranmango
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 138



« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2023, 06:53:10 AM »

Wait she just posted a video now and brought up an incident from Christmas 2017? Wow. She is still carrying a lot of hurt from old wounds. She’s not healthy. Take solace that if it wasn’t that event, it would likely be something else.

Go with your gut on this one, and steer clear of all other posts/videos of hers! I understand the curiosity, but nothing good can come from watching them.
Logged
Carguy
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 325


« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2023, 10:50:07 AM »

Oh yeah she brought that one up frequently along with others from anywhere from the distant past to more recent. We would talk about them and I would apologize all over myself but next time she felt hurt, previous things were brought up again. I don't believe I was ever fully forgiven. She would tell me we never would "heal" things. I would bring up that we had talked about previous things several times and I apologized each time. She told me each new hurt brought up old hurts so she could never fully heal from them when the hurts continued. Some of the hurts didn't make a lot of sense to me either.
Logged
SaltyDawg
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Moderately High Conflict Marriage (improving)
Posts: 1239



« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2023, 11:29:49 AM »

#MeToo

My uBPD wife never let a perceived 'wrong' go.

My daughter in her parentification mode sat us both down and complained about that exactly to my wife - she will bring things up from 5 years ago, and won't let them go.

She also complained that "he [me] doesn't remember stuff I did wrong yesterday, and doesn't bring them back up" -- I do remember; however, once it has been addressed, I feel no need to re-live the transgression no matter how minor if I am confident that she handled it well.

However, I do have one set of exceptions, unforgivable ultra-major transgressions that are left unaddressed.  For me those are suicide attempts by my pwBPD, divorce threats by my pwBPD, and physical violence by my pwBPD - basically anyting on Randi's top ten list in her book in Chapter 1 - for these I am applying a two year rule from the most recent transgression before putting them to bed.  Even though the following hasn't happened to me in my current relationship, infidelity would also fall into this category and will result in a divorce.
Logged

Carguy
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 325


« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2023, 01:18:38 PM »

That actually reminds me of another thing she would get upset at me for.

When she was upset about something I did, she would bring it up and also be upset that I didn't bring it up to discuss with her and tell me i was just avoiding again. I usually didn't know I had done something to upset her or what and why she was upset. I was expected to read her mind. She would tell me I should just know and she wants someone that knows exactly why she's upset and knows exactly what to do. If I would ask what was wrong when she was really upset, a lot of times she would tell me it was not a good time to ask because she was so upset. And if I asked if there was something I could do it would upset her more because it was another question when I shouldn't be asking questions.

Of course now she is running a smear campaign against me. She's telling people she was so glad she broke up with me and she had never felt suicidal until about a year ago and when she broke up with me she didn't realize at the time that she was fighting for her life. I'm not sure what she believes I did to cause that. I never insulted, belittled, or tore her down. I tried to be supportive of her and things she was trying to do even if I wasn't sure she would succeed.

The only thing I can think is when she would get upset and wanted to go home she would tell me later she wanted me to stop her. I would but the last while I reached a point of being tired of begging and would let her go home. I know it would upset her but at the moment I actually would be glad she left so I could have some peace. I also think she blames my family for it as well. Really my family stayed away. Last mother's day she was upset they refused her presents and that they kind of ignored her at my son's graduation. They never attacked her to my knowledge. They just didn't want anything to do with her because of how she treated me and some of them.

Really I've struggled for years with depression and to be honest it was at new lows when I was with her. She hurt me more than anyone I have been with. My ex-wife hurt me pretty bad but this was actually worse. When I heard what she was saying I went from hurt about her saying she was glad she broke up with me and would never come back to angry that she is smearing me and now I know for sure that I will NEVER take HER back. She burnt her bridges.

At this point I just hope the new guy will see through her B.S. before he ends up like me and the rest of her ex's.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2023, 01:26:09 PM by Carguy » Logged
SaltyDawg
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Moderately High Conflict Marriage (improving)
Posts: 1239



« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2023, 09:05:58 PM »

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."  William Shakespeare


That actually reminds me of another thing she would get upset at me for.

When she was upset about something I did, she would bring it up and also be upset that I didn't bring it up to discuss with her and tell me i was just avoiding again. I usually didn't know I had done something to upset her or what and why she was upset. I was expected to read her mind.


#MeeToo.  Many times I could read her mind, but many times I couldn't - and that too was a source of conflict.

"At this point I just hope the new guy will see through her B.S. before he ends up like me and the rest of her ex's."

Funny you should mention that, for my uBPD/NPDexgf, I actually sent anonymous tips [with proof], if I learned she was seeing a new man [victim] to her latest victim.
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!