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Author Topic: Dealing with kids' health/illness with BPD co-parent  (Read 305 times)
PeteWitsend
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« on: January 25, 2023, 02:47:01 PM »

Anyone else have some better experiences with this?

What I've encountered is a lack of cooperation/information from BPDxw making it difficult to manage keeping our D healthy, and from getting any of us sick.

BPDxw seems to view this as a game, whereby she sends "gotcha" messages out, to put all the blame on me if D gets sick, while concealing her own lack of care or blame.

EXAMPLE:  last month our D got a skin infection, that I didn't discover until it had started to spread.  At that point it was difficult to treat (and more contagious). 

I had to take her to a dermatologist, and let BPDxw know what we were dealing with.  Apparently she got it from a mangy stray cat BPDXW's parents brought to their house Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Soo... I later learned that not only was BPDxw aware of this, everyone else in their house ALSO had the same skin infection, but according to my D, she was told "not to talk about it."

Since our D has been back with her mom, her condition has persisted, leading me to assume her mom's not doing squat about it, but during this time I've been bombarded with messages from my XW trying to now spin this on me.

We've had similar issues with this before, with someone at BPDxw's house COVID positive, or possibly exposed, and we don't learn about it until a day or so after our daughter comes over. 

I've tried communicating these matters with her, and either get silence, or a bunch of false accusations back. 

I guess I should've expected this, but it's infuriating that she won't provide basic information that would allow me to care for our daughter...
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zachira
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« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2023, 03:02:35 PM »

Document all of this, as it may allow you to get more custody of your daughter at some point.
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kells76
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« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2023, 03:24:46 PM »

What's your relationship like with your D's pediatrician? Is Mom trying to co-opt that for herself, or do you have a direct line with the Dr?

How about contact with school personnel? Nurse, main teacher, etc? Wondering if there's a way for you to either preemptively check in with them (i.e., a day or two before it's your time with D, can you reach out to school office and see if D has been to school nurse in last day or so) or to touch base on day-of for up to date info.

And can you remind me, do you have a parenting coordinator?

Basically, anywhere you can bypass Mom and communicate directly with professionals will be better for your health and your D's health.

I get that that doesn't solve the issue of immediate/day-to-day concerns, where, for example, D is well enough to be at school but sick enough for Mom to notice (and not tell you). I wonder though, if Mom senses that this is an area where (rightly so) she can get a reaction out of you, and even negative engagement is still engagement. Communicating with Mom about sickness as little as possible may deprive her of payoff.
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PeteWitsend
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« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2023, 11:53:58 AM »

What's your relationship like with your D's pediatrician? Is Mom trying to co-opt that for herself, or do you have a direct line with the Dr?i

How about contact with school personnel? Nurse, main teacher, etc? Wondering if there's a way for you to either preemptively check in with them (i.e., a day or two before it's your time with D, can you reach out to school office and see if D has been to school nurse in last day or so) or to touch base on day-of for up to date info.

And can you remind me, do you have a parenting coordinator?

Basically, anywhere you can bypass Mom and communicate directly with professionals will be better for your health and your D's health.

I get that that doesn't solve the issue of immediate/day-to-day concerns, where, for example, D is well enough to be at school but sick enough for Mom to notice (and not tell you). I wonder though, if Mom senses that this is an area where (rightly so) she can get a reaction out of you, and even negative engagement is still engagement. Communicating with Mom about sickness as little as possible may deprive her of payoff.

Thanks.  no, we don't have a parenting coordinator.

I have direct access to d's pediatrician. 

I have had some trouble with D's school, BPDxw has apparently been bad mouthing me there, but generally when I call and request information or talk to their teachers, it's fine.

We had some trouble around getting my D COVID vaxxed (BPDxw) told her she would get sick because of the vaccine, and lied about what the pediatrician recommended, but I called him to straighten it out. 

My issue is with her straight up failing to provide notice about D's health issues that other professionals weren't aware of (like the skin issue).  It's been difficult to communicate on this, b/c XW is so paranoid, even if I don't point the finger at her, she uses communications as an attempt to build a record, rather than just like say "yes, D has XYZ, and we all do, and you should get treatment."
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kells76
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« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2023, 01:11:20 PM »

It seems clear that there's no way to phrase things that will get your D's mom to cooperate and share information. That's frustrating; we've been there, too, frequently. When that happens, I typically try to find a way to cobble together a "next best" setup that bypasses Mom entirely and communicates only with the kids and with professionals.

Couple of ways to move forward that I can see from here.

-Can you remind me, is your D old enough to process conversations about the difference between privacy, surprises, secrecy, honesty, etc? That sometimes adults tell you not to tell, and for a few things (surprise birthday party) that is appropriate, and for other things, like health and body issues, that is not appropriate? If so, how would she do with having that discussion with you? There are probably ways to keep it neutral and normalized, so she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong.

It would be better if Mom were functional and didn't use information as a weapon to have power over you. But she isn't that kind of person, and she's putting D in the middle. We have to work with where the kids are at, and while it'd be better if you didn't have to ask D directly "hey, were you sick yesterday", you may need to do that in a skillful way, if you and D can get on the same page about when it's OK to keep a secret and when it's not.

-Does your D have a counselor? If so, this would be a really important topic for you to bring up with the C -- how to thread the needle of not wanting your D to "carry messages" between Mom and Dad, yet realizing that you asking Mom for info just inflames the conflict. And, like the above, how to have a trust-building conversation with D about when it's OK to "keep a secret" and when you need to tell.

-See if you can get an "on the record" conversation/appointment with D's pediatrician where you raise this specific concern, and ask the Dr for recommendations: "Dr, I've noticed D coming home with skin infections that were pretty apparent, but unfortunately I hadn't heard about it from Mom. It's difficult for Mom to give me a heads up about D's health issues, especially ones that impact my house and [insert other family members]. Have you had patients in this situation before, where parents struggle to share information? How does your office handle that, and what can I do on my end to make sure D is taken care of?"

Or, IDK, something more diplomatic, or more in your own words -- but basically, sketching out the conflict, and focusing on proactive problem solving and putting D's needs first. Be honest that you are sometimes caught offguard by a new illness or issue that D has, and you're hoping to find solutions beyond just "bring her in to the office every time you pick her up" -- though you would be open to that if that's the best solution.

...

Hope some of that helps;

kells76
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