Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 19, 2024, 05:09:34 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Help me learn how to stop and diffuse arguments like this  (Read 798 times)
OnPinsAndNeedles
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 139


« on: February 06, 2023, 08:04:11 AM »

Please help me understand what happened, and how to diffuse situations like this.  The latest discussion/argument came about because of a house that we are building.  We are hoping to move in next week.  The builder is supposed to be installing flooring this week, but he has missed all of the deadlines that he has set by weeks and sometimes months.  Movers have already been scheduled and a moving van has been paid for.  I innocently suggested we should verify with the builder that he really is working on the flooring this week and it will be done by moving day.  That set my BPD significant other off.  I promise I said it in a calm way.  I hate confrontation and my friends always comment on my easy going nature.  Here is roughly what was said and how the discussion/argument escalated:

Me:  Since the builder has had trouble meeting the deadlines that he has set on other aspects of the building process, I think we should call him and make sure that he has started the flooring, and it will be done before the movers show up with our furniture.
SO:  It will be fine.  The movers have already been scheduled.  I’m ready to move in. 
Me:  I’m ready to move in too, but it will put us in a real bind if the flooring hasn’t been installed.  The movers can be rescheduled if we let them know a few days in advance.
SO:  I said it will be fine. 
Me:  Okay.  I’ll stop worrying about it. 
(I said this calmly and sincerely.  I didn’t want to fight)
SO:  Why are you angry?  Stop yelling at me. 
(I’m not angry at all at this point, and definitely not yelling.)
Me:  I’m not angry.  I said I will stop worrying about this.  I don’t want to fight.
SO:  You always have to be right.  Don’t you?
Me:  I never said I was right.  I’m just worried we are going to be in a bind if the house isn’t ready.
SO:  There you go again bringing it up.  You always have to get the last word in. 
Me:  Let’s drop this.  I’m not upset.  I don’t want to fight with you.
SO:  You’re angry, and you are attacking me. 
Me:  I really don’t want to fight.  Can we just change the subject?
SO:  Getting the last word in again. 
Me:  I’m going to drop it right now.  I’m not talking about this anymore.
SO:  (Under their breath)  Hmmph!
Me:  What is that supposed to mean?
SO:  You always pick a fight don’t you?  I’m sorry if you don’t like me. 
Me:  What?  I’m the one who said they didn’t want to fight.  I love you or I obviously wouldn’t be here.  Please don’t say that.  It is hurtful. 
SO:  You have to be right again don’t you.
(At this point I have stopped talking.  I don’t want to continue this circular argument that is on a perpetual loop.)

How should I have broached this subject so that it wouldn’t escalate into a fight? 
How should I respond when they say hurtful things like:
You’re always right  (I always give in to avoid or end a fight.  I never get what I want.)
You always have to get the last word in. (Not true.  They won’t drop things.)
Why are you angry (when I’m not).  Stop yelling at me. (I’m speaking calmly to them.)   
You don’t like me. 

Thanks for your insights.  I hate living like this. 
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

thepixies21
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81


« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2023, 08:34:35 AM »

My fights with my uBPDh are similar. I've learned that it doesn't matter what I say in a moment like that. He kind of becomes the incredible hulk and no amount of validation changes the fact that he's already decided he's angry. So I tell him I love him and then I walk away and tell him the argument is over. He doesn't like it, but it saves me a 2 hour fight, and it ultimately ends the same way anyway. It does seem to be helping. He is learning to self soothe a little bit. I'm not sure if it will work in your case, but I just wanted to share that this strategy does seem to at least preserve my own sanity a little.
Logged
thepixies21
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81


« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2023, 08:44:50 AM »

I'll also add that some of these things he says "you always have to have the last word", "you have to be right", etc., they seem like ways to hook you back in to the argument because they're emotionally charged and a way to keep you engaged and upset. They sometimes call it "the dance" when you're in a moment of dysregulation with someone with BPD. I think what you're doing, by saying that you love him and you don't want to fight is the right thing to do. His reaction, if you've just started this process may be an "extinction burst", where he's upset at the boundary you're setting and trying to reel you back in. I've learned a lot from reading the resources on this site. I think that's why affirming you love him and ending the conversation by walking away is the best strategy most of the time. I'm new to all of this so I'm sure others who have a lot more experience can give you more guidance. :-)
Logged
OnPinsAndNeedles
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 139


« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2023, 04:26:54 PM »

Thanks for responding thepixie21!  Yes, it seems when he is one of these moods there is nothing that I can say that will appease him.  When I tell him that I don't want to fight that seems to upset him, when I try to address his questions that seems to upset him.  Nothing seems to help.  He needs to fight for some reason.  It is no wonder his blood pressure is high.  I have tried walking away.  He gets really quiet and moody when I come back, so I just leave him alone for a while and then start interacting as if nothing happened.  It is so exhausting to deal with it sometimes.  I wish we could have a normal adult conversation where both of our feelings are validated, but he never does anything wrong and never apologizes.  I have to do all of the validating so that he will interact with me again. 
I think you are absolutely correct that his mean comments are meant to keep the fight going, so he can prove that he is the victim. 
Logged
thankful person
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 960

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2023, 05:11:33 PM »

Pins and needles, I just wanted to say, I totally relate, this could have been written about my dbpdw. I had to rack my brains to remember what went down this morning because lots of it is so insignificant. (But I appreciate how stressful it is worrying your house won’t be finished in time). This morning we were discussing a new student of mine and my wife mentioned that, “you have to do dancing if you study music”. Knowing that my wife did dancing as part of her music course, I  said, “I don’t think you would always have to dance as part of a music course.” This led to the usual, “you’re always starting arguments, you think you’re always right, why can you never just accept what I say…” etc etc. I’m still trying to figure this out so I don’t really have much advice. Keep posting on here. Keep validating even though it’s so unfair so times it does help to keep the peace. Try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). This used to be my biggest downfall before learning not to. It’s hard but again, worth it. I hope you get things sorted with the house.
Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Husband2014
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81


« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2023, 07:48:52 PM »

This is almost identical to the garbage I get from my wife. I learned not to even ask on simple stuff.  I’d just call the floor guy and ask him if he’s done. If he is great. If not then reschedule the van and let your wife know. One thing I learned about my
Wife is the fact of planning anything more than dinner overwhelms her to the point of breakdown. Makes it easy for me I just do it. Every now and then I get the “you didn’t ask my opinion” and in that case I slowly just say something like “sorry was in a hurry and should have asked. Let me hold off on that decision and let’s redo it” 99% of the time I get the “it’s ok go do it” because again my wife can’t make any decisions at all.
Logged
OnPinsAndNeedles
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 139


« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2023, 09:26:00 AM »

Thankful -  I appreciate your response.  I've been working on JADE.  Seems unfair not to be able to express your point of view and explain your reasoning.  Wish my relationship were more give and take, instead of always giving.  I'll keep working at it. 
Logged
OnPinsAndNeedles
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 139


« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2023, 09:28:31 AM »

Husband2014 - I took your advice and texted the contractor this morning.  He told me the flooring was finished late last night.  Hooray!  My husband wasn't happen I did this, but he seems to be a little calmer now.  Thanks!
Logged
Husband2014
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81


« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2023, 12:03:54 PM »

Awesome news! My experience with my wife who has BPD is she can’t absolutely plan, don’t bother asking her questions because she gets anxiety and everything is all about how
She feels right now and zero consideration that any action may hurt her or someone in the future. Also has zero ability to make
Any decisions even as simple as picking rice or pasta for dinner and always needs validation. I try to keep that in mind when I go about my life with her which is sadly quite miserable.
Logged
thankful person
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 960

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2023, 05:22:01 PM »

Great advice from husband 2014. I also went through a process of “hang on, I can do whatever I want with my life? Why am I letting her control me? > I wrote a list of goals to work on to take the power back > then… hang on, how can I get my wife’s permission to do these things? > and finally realising… I don’t need her permission.” I used a LOT of help from bpd family.

Thankful -  I appreciate your response.  I've been working on JADE.  Seems unfair not to be able to express your point of view and explain your reasoning.  Wish my relationship were more give and take, instead of always giving.  I'll keep working at it. 

A relationship with a pwbpd is never going to be a fair one to some extent. I came to understand that it is like a special needs relationship, like if a person is physically disabled they may be unable to walk. If a person has bpd they struggle with many things which make the relationship difficult for their partner, like being unsympathetic, attacking us for “no reason”, accusing us of being the problem, never apologising, being jealous, paranoid, controlling etc. Of course everyone’s experience and partner is different. By the time I found bpd family I was in pure hell and thought that was my future for the rest of my life and that I deserved nothing more. My wife had been diagnosed bpd for self harm and an eating disorder years ago, been through therapy… considers herself “cured”… she was and is I don’t think ever likely to accept that she is at all responsible for our problems.

Have you read, “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist?” It’s amazing and echoes lots of what you will learn on here. I highly recommend it. I wouldn’t tell your partner about it, personally I bought the audiobook and listen to it in my car. Like many many times. So I learnt that there are two parts to (attempting to have) a successful relationship with a pwbpd. The first is learning to help keep them calm (they do not have to know you’re working on this, or be working on it themselves). The second is protecting yourself when they do get angry and nasty.

Personally I was so happy to discover that I could make any difference to improve my own life. I knew my wife wasn’t going to change so I was very accepting of this compared to some people. To an extent, if you are clinging to the hope of them changing, it may not ever happen even if they are in therapy. Also I had been working with special needs children and adults and many with autism for many years (although that was SO EASY compared to dealing with my wife). So I guess I already had that mindset of accepting another’s behaviour whilst working on changing it (not that I want to feel like I’m at work all the time, though I sometimes do…)

I hope some of that helps anyway. Things became great for a whole year or so but for the last few months have been awful again but my wife is nothing near as bad as she used to be. She tried to guilt me out of going to work today, but with strength, I walked away. I have to remember how far I’ve come when it feels like I’ve got nowhere. My whole story is on here if you’re interested.

Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!