The good things and the bad things about reaching out to my sister about my Dad.

[NarcsEverywhere]

So, I've reached out to my sister about my Dad multiple times, mostly out of desperation, and even though I thought it was a bad idea. Her perspective is subjective, which is both useful and not useful. Sure, she can see the whole situation better, but she also has a lot of bias.

Good things about it:

Well, it's nice to talk to my sister, and it causes me to feel less isolated, and she has dispelled some of my greatest fears about my Dad, and helped me realize not everything is all about him, and everything isn't his fault, which has reduced my fear.

She's also caused me to see how I can own my own power, how I'm having unrealistic expectations of my Dad, and trying to have a relationship that's not possible to have. She's had some decent solutions to things too. This has helped me feel like I have more power over my own life.

The bad things about it:

She keeps blaming me for his abuse, and shows a lack of sympathy. She somehow wants to blame me for almost everything? She says she sees both sides, but she always twists things to be my fault. Like, somehow asking for a reasonable accommodation, is unreasonable. Or the fact that I depend on him more than I used to because of his abuse is my fault. Or she glazes over the physical and mental abuse, and and manipulations and barely mentions them? Like they aren't really horrible things to do to people. Like the trauma I've been experiencing isn't some major thing for me?

Overall:

I'm glad I've talked to her. If I need some perspective, or to talk to her about what to do with my life, or what my plans are, or need some encouragement, I think she's the person to go to. But for understanding, empathy, and emotional support about my Dad, it's not going to happen, she doesn't want to see how much damage he's caused, she wants to let him off the hook as much as possible. I don't think it's fair, but it's how it is.

[NarcsEverywhere]

The more it sinks in though, I feel pretty angry with her. Like, talking to her did dispel some of my worst fears and help me not blame everything on my Dad, but she is still scapegoating me, minimizing his behavior, showing a lack of empathy for me, because she gives me all of the blame, and him all of the leeway. It's pretty disgusting, to have such a detailed account of everything he's done, and how it causes me to feel, and yet, no matter what I say, she jumps to his defense and blames me, every single time.

I realize this dynamic is part of her subconscious and I don't think it's intentional even, she's not trying to be malicious. This has been built into her psyche since childhood, that you should blame me, and let Dad off the hook, hell, even let Mom off the hook, even though she was much less bad, and more codependent and absent than anything. She's the golden child, so I guess this is to be expected. But it's hard to want to connect to her much now, when I'm struggling with this, and her behavior sucks! I love her though, and I know she loves me. It's just a horrible time to talk to her, and a topic, that I don't have to strength to try to work out with her. And maybe I never will work it out with her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

The way I see this is : as long as you will be looking for external validation, people will let you down. Only when you learn to truly give yourself the validation and compassion you need, will you be able to truly let go of any expectation regarding your father and sister behavior.

It all starts with you loving and validating yourself, and integrating all the traumatized parts of you under one healthy self.

It helped me to think of myself as a summation of parts. Instead of saying: "I am so angry." I'd say "Part of me is angry." I stopped identifying with the angry part, and observed it. This freed space to hear the other parts of me, and especially the healthy adult part who could hear the angry part and offer her the much needed help and validation she craved, but couldn't get from her mother.

In most of your posts, I see a lot of awareness, and I also see you identify with what you write. Maybe it would help to try and change the wording, see where it gets you.

Those parts of you, when they can talk between each other, can help each other heal.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf, thanks for replying!

I normally do validate myself pretty well, but since he's suppressed these parts of myself, using various forms of abuse and manipulation, they are harder to accept I guess? It's also so hard to accept that these people in my life are treating me this way. I feel a lot of disbelief, and I take it personally, because I trusted and depended on these people, and now I can't at all.

I do think I am identifying and taking a lot personally. I normally detach, by using "I feel" statements, I've been doing that some. I also don't let the feelings dictate much of my behavior. I feel like it's just what I'm going through and like I need to work through it.

That all being said, I read about betrayal last night, and every emotion I am feeling is completely normal. Disgust, disbelief, confusion, difficulty loving yourself, anger, sadness, loneliness, and a few more I can't remember.

That being said, I don't have support, so I do need to depend on myself a lot here, and I know exactly how to validate myself. I say to myself "It's okay to feel any feeling" "I'm sorry you're having a hard time, we'll get through this I'm here for you". And I do try to validate myself as I go. But I'm just so overwhelmed, it's like I've lost ALL of my support at once, save my counselor. And I'm already using most of the skills I have to try to cope, and progress is slow.

That being said, I feel like my attitude is changing to that of empowering myself, instead of being a victim. I'm doing self esteem boosting writing in the morning, resting more in bed when I need it, and talking kindly to myself sometimes. I think your advice is good though, I need to be kind to myself, and also validate my experience more. It's just hard to do that when my Dad has invalidated so much, and the next closest person that I trusted was my sister, and she did the same. Isn't it normal to feel angry about that? I think it is. Anyways, I don't expect either of them to do crap for me, but I just feel so angry, alone and frustrated, and it's such a hard situation to deal with and a lot of emotions.

I'll do what I can for myself here though, I know you've gotta depend on yourself the most in life, because you can depend on yourself, and you can't control or depend on others all the time.

[Riv3rW0lf]

So... keep in mind here that I come from a place of love and wanting to help. For me, helping myself and becoming better came from seeing my own patterns, and changing them. And like you, I had to work through an awful lot of anger and rage. It was hard to accept and rationalize a lot of what my mother put me through as a child. And so, I am not saying anger is not normal, ever. Anger is actually a beautiful and very useful emotion when properly channeled, and not used against ourselves and others, but as a tool of assertion to help us protect and stick to our boundaries.

Here is one of your boundaries from January 23rd :  Yeah, my sister is a terrible person to talk to about it, so I'm not going to. If I ever talk to her again about it, I want to really think it through, and have myself together more, and have worked through the pain of it, to have a clearer picture about it all. And be prepared to have her argue and invalidate me.

It isn't firm. Part of you KNOW you shouldn't speak with your sister about it. And another part of you is fighting it. "I won't speak with her about it again" VS "If I do, I will be prepared."

Now, two weeks later, you spoke to your sister again. And are now trapped in the same circle of hurt, pain and disbelief. Were you prepared enough? Maybe there will never be enough preparation, because you simply won't ever change her mind. Maybe you are expecting something from her that she cannot give you. What were you expecting from this discussion and can you give it to yourself?

Why did you breach the subject again with her and which part do you truly want to listen to in the future?

When we pick a boundary for ourselves, such as : " I won't breach this subject with sister again because she invalidates me and protect my father. " It also needs to come with radical acceptance and real enforcing.

It's ok to fall, we all do. I did. Vowed I wouldn't talk about my emotions with my mother. Brother convinced me otherwise. Things escalated like I thought they would, ended up invalidated, unheard and unseen. I didn't blame my brother though. I was angry, of course I was. But I didn't blame anyone. I simply reiterated my boundary to myself, and now I stick to it. Learned my lesson. It's not their fault, they are who they are, and I stopped fighting them. I fight myself now, to keep myself healthy and at peace.  I still speak with brother, but never about mother.

When we stay stuck in the triangle, in the cycle, it means two or more parts of us are fighting each other for the proper way to handle a relationship or a situation. You need to listen to all parts, and choose which one you will listen to, then stick to it.

If it fails you, pick another road. It's trial and error, it's an iteration process. If you are stuck repeating the same thing over and over again, a thing that keeps you trapped in pain and anger, then it means your iteration process is altered by part of you who is getting something from this specific path. And this is the part of you you need to find and deal with.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf, thanks a lot of reaching out.

I do actually think I would like to get through to my sister eventually, when I am doing way better than now. Mainly because I don't think it's fair that she scapegoats me, and justifies his abuse to me, and lacks empathy towards me. I suppose I may have to live with that, but it may come up someday, if I feel a need to give my Dad the cold shoulder, kick him out or some other behavior that seems mean, if you don't understand the context.

Was I prepared, and ready? Oh, hell no, I did it out of desperation and loneliness, of feeling so invalidated by hardly anyone even acknowledging that it's abuse, although my counselor did, and I've gotten a tiny bit of that here. I do need to trust myself more, I can be pretty observant and intelligent, and shouldn't easily dismiss my insights. That being said, another reason I talked to her is because the fear and suspicion were overwhelming me, and talking to her did help with that, so all in all, I don't regret it, because being paranoid cripples me.

What you said about needing to love myself, and give myself what I keep seeking externally, really helped me a lot. Tonight, I finally could rest and cry, and tell myself things like "I'm sorry you feel so lonely, it's completely understandable to feel these things, I hope you feel better, I'm sorry it's so hard" and the tears are flowing now, and I'm scared of how long they might be, and I'm scared of the catharsis that will follow, because I haven't been that vulnerable in quite a while. But I just wanted to thank you so much for telling me what I needed to hear, to finally get what I need. (from myself). I don't feel lonely tonight, because I'm here for myself.

Okay, this last part makes a lot of sense, but it's also hard for me to grasp. So, here's the deal, try a path, see if it works, then try a different path if it doesn't. This is what I do, and why I don't want to look to my sister again. I'm a trial and error sort of guy. That being said, I'm so out of sorts lately, that I'm definitely making a lot more errors, and not even fixing them a lot of times, because it's harder to function.

Now, I think the last part you're saying is, if you can't get something from someone else, you need to find a way to give it to yourself. Like if I feel lonely with all this pain and no one can support me, then I need to be there for myself and not estrange myself from myself. Because you can actually solve some loneliness by doing that, and it seems to be working tonight. Is this correct? Because if I'm seeking something I can't obtain, then I'm wasting energy, and causing myself pain, and need to focus it on what I can obtain, especially from myself.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Now, I think the last part you're saying is, if you can't get something from someone else, you need to find a way to give it to yourself. Like if I feel lonely with all this pain and no one can support me, then I need to be there for myself and not estrange myself from myself. Because you can actually solve some loneliness by doing that, and it seems to be working tonight. Is this correct? Because if I'm seeking something I can't obtain, then I'm wasting energy, and causing myself pain, and need to focus it on what I can obtain, especially from myself.

Some things we can give ourselves : validation, compassion, love. But there are things we won't ever be able to give ourselves either. We are humans. We are a social animal. And we do need to feel we belong. In our current society, a lot of people get bypassed and left out, and it is hard to feel and be lonely. I get it. Some of it is trauma, and some of it is real, current loneliness. So... How can we solve this? Gotta start where you can act.

Some things you cannot give yourself, but you can build over time. It takes a lot of discipline and courage, but the more we do it, the better we become at it.

I know you have agoraphobia, so I am not saying you have to throw yourself in the middle of a party. But maybe it would be worth it to look for support groups in your area. You know... Meet like-minded individuals that can provide some sense of belonging.

There is only so much an online forum and counselor via phone can give you. It is a good place to start, and it helps. An in-person support group would be, in my opinion, a good following step to help you desensitize yourself to others, and get some validation, but above all, some connection with people, which we all crave and need.

Do you read? Maybe an online book club? Meet people online, but to talk about something else, get your mind OFF it. It's good to be self-aware, at some point though we need to start looking outward too, else we can remain stuck in our pain, and forget our power.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf, thanks again for responding.

Your suggestions are spot on, although I'm kind of terrified of talking in groups, but it might be something, I could get the courage to do eventually. I'm starting to validate myself and feel the feelings, as per your suggestion and another mods suggestion, that I am taking it too personally, and you gave me some reminders which reminded me how to detach from the pain more, when I'm too consumed by it, it's helped a lot, and I'm still processing!

I've validated myself so many times, but in this instance, my Dad gaslit and projected so much, that I didn't know what was real sort of? Like, I stopped trusting my own two eyes and ears, when it comes to my Dad especially. Now that I realize I need to validate my experience as real, and not some delusion, and have more trust in myself, I am talking to myself a lot and validating it, and it helps the feelings flow.

You're right that I need to not get stuck in it, but I think all my ruminations are from all these unresolved feelings, so I really do need to  let myself feel this more, because I've been overthinking everything. Also, I keep getting so upset that I want to control my Dad excessively now, and have been bulldozing people, like he does, because I'm not emotionally regulated.

It's funny how all their behavior, actually turns you into them, when you detach, in a way. All their projections get released from you, and you become just like them.

I think, you know, the best thing I can do for myself, for my Dad, and for his controlling behavior, is to engage with my values, wants and needs, and live my life accordingly, and increasingly away from my Dad. I'm having difficulty managing him, and I bought a book on Covert Narcissism and how to heal from it and how to handle them, so I think it'll be very helpful! I just hope my Dad doesn't open the package somehow. (I told him it was something "personal", to get him to avoid opening it, almost positive that will work, haha). It's funny how justified I feel in lying and omitting in this situation, but it's really warranted, honestly, because being overly transparent with a manipulator, just gives them fuel.

Yeah, I need to get my mind off of it sometimes for sure! It's hard to process everything and live life effectively, but if I keep processing emotions like this, I think I can find balance. It might be good to take a cab to something fun sometime.

Thanks again for your help.