adult daughter with bpd ...suicide attempt

[Brokentart]

My daughter was diagnosed with bpd when she was 14 .
She suffered a one off molestation experience at a birthday party just before she turned 4.  
She's had consistent therapy since it happened.  The case was thrown out of court as she was too young to understand the days of the week.
As her mom I became involved in her therapy and learnt a lot about counselling etc. so I could effectively help her.  We were very close.
She had an amazing psychologist for many years but we moved country so had to find a new one.  In the meantime I've been her main confidante and emotional supporter ...  I came to the UK 10 years ago with the intention of bringing her with but she chose to stay behind with her father who bought her a car. Five years later, when she finally did come over,  she  was smoking weed (which he does as well) and her hygiene wasn't quite on track.

I did not tolerate the weed smoking  anywhere near my home so she would visit friends to "calm herself" every now and then.  She moved in with two different friends before and during lockdown as she was battling to live with  me and wanted more freedom.  Neither flatmate lasted too long so she was back home after awhile.  She met a lovely young man and they decided to rent a house together.  This young man unfortunately also smokes weed.  Our relationship however improved tremendously whilst she lived with this boyfriend.  They had their ups and downs but  appeared to be growing from the trials of the relationship. They cohabited until the end of their lease and found another house to move into. Unfortunately the weed smoking increased and their home  permeated with the smell.  

 A couple months before they were due to move my daughter finally secured a therapist who began Schema therapy.

I watched her life spiral downhill.  She literally moved into victim mode and expected the world to change to accomodate her.  The relationship with her boyfriend became more troubled and the fights worsened. All her relationships took strain including ours.  Her boyfriend finally broke up with her on the day of the move as their relationship had become toxic, and moved back to his mom.  My daughter moved into the "new" house alone.

By this time she appeared to hate me and completely alienated me. We could not communicate at all as she was so angry with me.  
She appeared set on self destruction and her job began to suffer too.  

Luckily she still had the support of 2 friends who kept me informed to a degree.  Her lifestyle became wild and erratic.  

Six days before Christmas day 2022 she tried to kill herself. This was after she spent a night in jail for drunken driving. Her licence has now been suspended for 18 months.

I managed to reconcile with her and she moved back home end of January.  Whilst she was in hospital I spoke to various consultants regarding my concern with her "schema" therapy.  The hospital psychologist looked into her counselling and assured me her counsellor was well qualified and my concerns would be passed on.  My daughters counsellor was away on leave and when she returned she agreed to change the therapy to another mode?

There has been an improvement in my daughter however the counsellor wants to still "re parent" her.  She's put this reparenting on hold whilst my daughter resides with me as it will cause relationship issues again.  I'm not just concerned...I am panicked at this intention... as I am my daughters only relative in the country and I have no doubt that without me she will try again to end her life.  Her suicide attempts were under control for 10 years before this last attempt and she has told me in no uncertain words that the first sign of her thinking about suicide is when she pulls back from me as it is then easier to do it.

There have been numerous psychiatrists and therapists who helped her as a child through to adulthood who all confirmed the BPD manifested through the molestation.  The schema therapist doesn't agree with this.

I've tried to arrange to speak to her therapist for advice but my daughter won't let me.

I don't know what I can do?...if anything...please help.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Brokentart, welcome -- glad you decided to reach out for support with everything going on in your life.

It sounds so difficult to put in so much time, effort, and love over the years, and yet to watch your D suffer and spiral recently.

Can I ask, when she received the diagnosis at 14, was that from the psychologist she saw for many years?

And how old is she now?

In the USA (where I'm at), it can be difficult, though not impossible, to "make" an adult child (>18) receive treatment, or to receive information from a treatment provider. Are you running into that in the UK?

Rest assured that this is a group that "gets it" about how challenging it is to support an adult child wBPD (with BPD). Yet despite the challenges, I'm still hearing  positives in your story: she has been open to therapy, she was able to reconcile with you, she has received some real-world consequences (no driver's license) for her choices, some of her providers have been willing to dialogue with you, and she has disclosed some of her thought processes to you. These are important glimpses of hope.

While it's hard to know how to move forward when we hit a roadblock, such as when your D's therapist declined to talk with you, there are things we can do to take baby steps. Reading and learning here can help -- when you have time, check out the article collections up top under "Tips" (there is a specific section for "Child with BPD") and also under "Tools", and let us know what seems to resonate with you.

Let us know, whenever works for you, how you both have been doing lately;

kells76