50yo Daughter With BPD and Cut off From Grandchild

[Lee80]

My daughter is 50 now and  I’ve been dealing with borderline traits since she was a teen. She is a therapist and refuses to acknowledge that she ha BPD. Over the years she has periodically gotten angry at me and cut me out of her life. She has done it again and for the first time cut my. 12 year old granddaughter off too. She is my only grandchild and we’ve been very close. This is hurting a lot. Not sure what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Lee80, welcome to the group 

Goodness, you have been coping with your D's BPD traits for a long, long time -- you must be exhausted.

The periodic anger-fueled cutoffs, denial of behaviors/traits, and using kids as pawns in adult conflicts, all sounds so familiar.

Do you have any alternative ways to support and contact your GD? Does your GD have a phone that her mom doesn't monitor? School email account? Is GD's dad in the picture?

It is really difficult when you want to support children of a BPD parent, but that parent wants to cut you out of the kids' lives. It can take creativity, patience, and ultimately, knowledge that even prayers, wishing the best for them, and working on yourself, is sometimes the best you can do in a given season.

My thought, wrapping up, is that your GD knows in her heart who you are and your love for her -- she's experienced it for over a decade. There may be times when GD is not strong enough to stand up to her mom, and that is OK, because she's just a kid right now, and you know that GD loves you no matter what.

Let us know how the last few days have been for you, and if we can help you continue to brainstorm ways to support your GD in the midst of her mom's behaviors.

-kells76

[Flossy]

My BPD daughter just turned 52. She cut me off 16 years ago. I have not seen my grandson since. He is now 21.

I did everything I could to mend it. From messaging through social media to driving two hours to take a letter to her husbands' business. I do not have their home address and she has even blocked my ability to find it on the Electoral Roll.

I decided a year or more ago that I no longer want her back in my life. Her thinking is as toxic to my life as a having a drug addict in my life would be.
I wrote her a letter which will never be posted validating every skerrick of her need for validation with nothing of my self in it. A letter she would likely want to hear.

I believe she is toxic and I cannot spend one more day of my life in grief for her. She would have to reach out to me and then meet my criteria for reconciliation which would include her commitment to attend a therapist together for her to learn how to say what she needs and how to communicate that to me. I will no longer tolerate being punished for not meeting someone's "needs" without them finding a way to tell me what they think are reasonable needs.

I guess that 16 years without her has made me think of her or actually not think of her in the same way that BPDs dont think of us unless we are standing in front of them. It has made me detach. I no longer care if that makes me appear to be a bad mother. I am not going to let her choice not to seek help destroy the life I have left to live. Enough already!