It feels good to pretend with my Dad, but my gut knows

[NarcsEverywhere]

Lately, I've felt tired of fighting with my Dad, and because I don't feel ready to kick him out, because of where I am at in life. I talked to him about trying to get along. Ha, he's up to his same tricks. It's been nice pretending to have a dad that won't mess with me, that cares enough to change, that cares enough to not take advantage, of feeling more and being myself more. Even though I've felt off, and nervous, and my gut kept telling me that he's not safe, I pretended. It felt good, and bad at the same time.

I keep telling life to lie to me, but my gut can feel it, when I am around him, it feels off after not too long. I can instinctively know he's messing with me, or crossing my boundary, or not listening, or invalidating me. I don't need tons of logic to know. There he is, taking advantage. Lie to me Dad, lie. I'll believe it for a bit, because it feels good, because it's too much to bare that you're like this, because it's too much to let you go all at once, because I feel scared, and most of all lonely, in my own home, lonely because of the agoraphobia, lonely because of the pain, and distrust, and all isolation that you helped create.

I knew better, and I chose to be victimized again, because it was a comfortable lie, that I needed to believe. I've gone no contact with a lot of people with personality disorders, and stood up to people, but I am humbled, that although I can be so strong, I am not God, I can't be strong always, it's too much of a burden to bare. I feel afraid, afraid of being courageous, afraid of changing, afraid of happiness, of losing my pets, as they are getting older, I feel afraid of the trauma and grief, but most of all, I think I am afraid of being alone, but too scared to really connect, as fully as I need, because trust is a scary thing for a person who's been burned as much as me.