Hi Warshire, good question, and one that so many of us cope with:
Should you discuss feelings vs facts with adult daughter? She is 46 and states her father never wanted to be a father. This is not true and my husband would like to tell our daughter this. Is that the appropriate way to approach her. There are many other statements she has made, many hurtful, that are not true but she feels this. What do we do. She is very hard to communicate with because she has not received therapy to help her deal with her emotions.
To whom does your D46 make those statements -- to you and your H, to friends, to family members...?
Do others bring up her statements to you, or is this only coming from her to you?
If, for example, she has children, and the children are coming to you and asking "Did Grandpa not want to have Mom?", then you may need to find a way to compassionately share with the grandkids: "Kids, what do you think? When you see Grandpa sending cards, and gifts, and wanting to spend time with Mom, does that seem true to you?" Or, "Kids, sometimes people who hurt inside say hurting words. Even though Grandpa and I always wanted and loved Mom, she might say different things or have different feelings than we do, and that's OK." But I wouldn't say that in front of D46.
That might be the only situation (when impressionable kids are involved) where I might "share an alternative view" or "present more information".
...
Like Titch suggests, pwBPD can be so emotionally committed to their "feelings as facts" that there's no way for rationality, different facts, or a competing narrative to make it through. It's meeting some desperate and deep emotional need of hers to portray your H as "the bad guy" in her narrative. Whatever that need is, it's so deep and profound that she may reject any facts that don't conform to her feelings.
It's possible that her inner narrative could be: "I feel unwanted and unlovable. I cannot determine where these feelings are coming from, and in fact, I have such immature and porous boundaries of self, that I believe these feelings come from outside. Who would make me feel unwanted at such an intensity that I'm experiencing? Only a parent could. Therefore, my deep feelings of being unwanted must come from my father. This is the absolute truth." (of course, it's likely that she is not having those explicit and verbally articulated thoughts)
It's possible that if you were to try to "prove" that her father loved her, she might come back with "See? You don't care about how I feel. You never did! This proves it." So I might let go of trying to say something with the goal of getting her to change her mind or feel a different way. That can be unintentionally invalidating.
A different approach could be a brief statement of your intentions coupled with acknowledging her feelings:
"D46, even though H always wanted to be and loves being your father, we can see how it would hurt deeply to feel that that isn't true".
Or, even briefer:
"That must hurt immensely, to believe that"
...
It may provide an odd sense of freedom to know that you don't have to prove yourselves to her -- you know the truth in your hearts, and can have compassion for her without having to argue or engage with her distorted perceptions.
Food for thought --
kells76
