Emotionally Exhausted

[Lady_Winterfell]

Hello, everyone. I'm new here. This place was suggested by a mental health professional I contacted about my situation. My daughter is 31 years old. She was diagnosed years ago. It has become very unmanageable in the last 3 years. If I say something or nothing, it's a problem. If I do things or don't do things, it's a problem. I live in a constant state of anxiety. I lock my bedroom door most nights. She has never been physically violent, but I feel so uneasy. I've become afraid. She has gotten so much worse in the last 3 years. She gets so angry about things that happened totally different from the way she rants they did. She says I did things I didn't. She says I didn't do things I did. If I did it or said it, I own it. I have worked hard on myself to get there.

Months ago, I was told I am the problem. That she would be completely fine and successful if she didn't live in this house. I am disabled. I have zero income. One of my sons, my other daughter, and my mother support me while I fight for financial help. I asked my therapist if I should max out my credit to pay for her to move. My therapist told me it was a horrible idea and that I should probably do it. I had several credit cards paid off. I maxed all of them out to pay for her travel North, to pay for 2 months in an Air BnB, and I bought her some clothes to take with her. The plan was for her to get a job and get her own apartment. She couldn't hold a job and never called the listings I found for her. She extended her stay a month. I paid for half of that. I also continued to send money to her CashApp and to pay her cellphone bill. Now I'm told it's my fault she didn't succeed there. That I screwed her over because I didn't get her an apartment. I did remind her that I gave her a listing that was near where she was staying and the rent included all utilities except cable. With what it cost to pay 1/2 the Air BnB for that 3rd month, I could have paid her first months rent and security in the apartment. I reminded her she never called. She exploded.

I wake up often to long, rambling, incomprehensible text messages. They usually tell me how she hates me. Hates all her siblings. That I've done nothing for her. Never helped her. That I am the reason she fails. She yells about how much she gives to the house. Which, I am totally honest here, is next to nothing. Less than 2 years of financial help in 13 years. She tells me she doesn't have to do blank. Everything is to one extreme or the other.

I take all of it to heart. I often act on guilt. Her father abused me severely when I was pregnant with her. I was in the hospital twice almost losing her. I left him when she was 8 months old. I ended up on drugs. All I could provide her was instability and my temper. The first 2 years of her life were horrible. She endured so much trauma. I became abstinent for a few years and relapsed for about 7 months, then I got clean for good. It's been over 20 years. I had all the kids in therapy. I did everything I could to make amends. Most of her life was good, or so I thought. I opened all the doors to healing that I could. I have exposed myself and anything that I needed to for the best interest of all 5 of the children. I tend to believe that what she does now is what I deserve.

It's just myself (52), her and her 28 year old brother in the house. My youngest bought a house and moved out 2 years ago. He wanted away from it all. I can't take much more. I don't know what to do. I might have gotten her to agree to get help again. She has admitted she needs and wants to get on Seroquel again. That said, she won't follow through.

There is so much more to my story. There is so much more to our complex dynamic. I spent a lot of years in self help groups, individual and group therapies. I was in a good place with myself. Worked very hard. The new house of myself that I built is in shambles. Now that I'm physically falling apart, I wish my mental capacity was stronger.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

First off, I am so sorry you're going through this.  I've been there- my BPD daughter is 24 and there were many sleepless nights where I expected her to come after me.  We also reached out over and over and over again trying to get her help, and every time it was an absolute waste of time...until we met a psychiatrist we've lovingly named "Dr. Happy." 

Why?  Because he didn't take any manipulative crap; he would laugh in your face instead and tell you to try harder to manipulate him, that you're just not that good at it.

When we arrived, Dr. Happy threw my daughter in another room and solely focused on us.  His first question was why we were there.  And we answered, because our kid needed help.  He laughed at us, and asked why she needed help...she was sitting in another room quietly watching TV.  And we said, "You don't understand, she's terrible at home, argues all the time, blames us for everything, etc."  But the doc just kept smiling and asked why we put up with it.  He said that if it's our house, it's our rules.  If she doesn't want to follow them, drop her off at a homeless shelter.  And he was serious.

The main thing we learned is that you have to have boundaries and stick to them.  If something is not allowed, then it's not allowed and you need to stand by that.  Breaking rules have consequences, and by letting a BPD kid skirt around that, then you're teaching them the exact opposite through learned behavior- do whatever you want, there is no consequences in this home.

Please read the book "Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition".  It's a life-changer.

My advice to you is simple.  Stop being abused.  State the house rules and expectations.  State the consequences for not following the rules.  Make the consequences fair, base them on what you'd do with your 28 year old.  And when she crosses a line, impose the consequences.  If she gets self-righteous and throws a tantrum (which she will), tell her to leave.  Is she doesn't, call the cops and have her escorted out.  Or if the threatens harm/self harm, same thing- have her institutionalized.

It will get worse before it gets better.  We kicked our daughter out at 21 and she was homeless for five months.  Not our problem though, she was welcome home at any time as long as she would follow a few simple rules.  But she refused, and once we realized that it wasn't our problem, a calmness washed over the house.  We lived normal lives and it felt pretty darn spectacular.  Our kid came back home at 22, did decent for a few months, then had a blowout fight with her uncle where there was violence.  Out she went once again.

At almost 23, my kid hit rock bottom.  And one day it dawned on her, she needed to take therapy seriously.  You see, we couldn't help her those first 23 years because only she can choose to change.  That's what Dr. Happy taught us all those years earlier, and suddenly it happened.  Within six months, our kid was stable.  In fact, we're like best friends now...and she's always hated me because I was the tough one.  She's a completely different person with a steady job, paying rent and a car payment, etc.

Everything you said about your kid being unstable, I lived that too.  Everything was my fault.  Not anymore though.  If I need something, my kid drops everything and drives 45 minutes to take care of her dad.  It still amazes me since she's been a different kid the past 6+ months.

I hope that helps!  Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Build boundaries and stick to them.  Let your kid hit rock bottom and realize the need to change.  This isn't on you AT ALL, it's 100% her and she needs to learn that the hard way.

[Lady_Winterfell]

I started reading the book about 2 nights ago.    Reading the advice you give, it's exactly how I dealt with my brother. It also sounds VERY similar to how to deal with someone dealing with addiction. The idea was always, you can't get better until you hit rock bottom (as you referenced).

I know you are right. I am struggling to get past my guilt. I'm struggling to not be codependent. I will really process what you've said. Again, I know you're right. I know it in my heart and soul.

Locked my bedroom door again last night. Woke up to some massive noise of something being slammed coming from her room (which is right below my room). The anxiety ripping through my body. My first thought was the shelter. My other children tell me I need to find the strength. I think finding other people who understand can help me build that strength.

Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for being so direct. I appreciate that very much.

[Pook075]

I started reading the book about 2 nights ago.    Reading the advice you give, it's exactly how I dealt with my brother. It also sounds VERY similar to how to deal with someone dealing with addiction. The idea was always, you can't get better until you hit rock bottom (as you referenced).

I know you are right. I am struggling to get past my guilt. I'm struggling to not be codependent. I will really process what you've said. Again, I know you're right. I know it in my heart and soul.

Locked my bedroom door again last night. Woke up to some massive noise of something being slammed coming from her room (which is right below my room). The anxiety ripping through my body. My first thought was the shelter. My other children tell me I need to find the strength. I think finding other people who understand can help me build that strength.

Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for being so direct. I appreciate that very much.

Many others will chime in over time, and I do apologize for being so blunt.  But that's the core lesson everyone here needs to learn- it's just not our fault and it is impossible to help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. 

You're right, it is exactly like an addict with drugs or alcohol- the decision to improve is 100% on them.  You can support your daughter to some extent but only after the boundaries and consequences are in place.  And just to be clear, she will probably hate you for it at first and try to push every possible button- that's when you call in help (police, ambulance).  Or she can choose to leave on her own...that's fine too. 

It's not your job though to be abused and try to figure out how to help her.  That's all on her and it always has been.  Meanwhile, stay in those therapy sessions for yourself and be a little selfish; your recovery is about you.  Her recovery is about her.  It's two completely different things but they feel linked together because you still have the chaos inside the home.  That has to end for your own sanity, and hopefully your son can help establish the safe boundaries that you need.

Just don't lose hope- there is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[Couscous]

My theory is that most parents feel responsible on some level for “causing” their children’s problems, and then tolerate abuse in an unconscious desire to atone for their “sins” in order lessen their feelings of guilt. In addition to this, I also think a lot of parents fear being rejected by their child if they set limits, which then paralyzes them from setting those limits — which is at the heart of “marshmallow parenting”. But with awareness, I think we can consciously override these quite natural impulses and be pleasantly surprised to discover that we have more ability to tolerate feelings of rejection that we imagined.

A turning point in my relationship with my pwBPD came when a switch flipped inside of me and I finally decided that I did not deserve to be treated this way and was willing to walk away from the relationship for good. My pwBPD knew I was dead serious, and somehow that flipped a switch inside of them, and their abusive behavior ended on the spot.

I wish you all the best!