Changes at the office

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, a quick question.

I used to have my own office at work but due to organization changes a while back, I had to start sharing my office with my colleague, a man, and it has been working great. Now we are hiring more people, two more are added to my team, two young females to be precise. My boss is aware of my personal situation since two years back as I was forced to explain why I've been feeling low, she had noticed. Now she figured with two new employees coming to my team, they will need proper introduction and she chose me to be a tutor to one of them. She also decided without asking her employees opinions that we were going to switch roommates in the team, so that the new ones will share rooms with their tutor. So now my male colleague is supposed to move out and one of the new ones in.

You see where I'm going? This will no doubt lead to hours of discussion at home, and it's not an option to keep it a secret from her.

I'm a bit torn what I should do. I have spoken to my boss already and she understands my worry, but she still thinks we should proceed with her plan and I told her it's ultimately her decision. Partly because she doesn't have the guts to change her plan, which would seem weird considering she has already told everyone about the new arrangement. We agreed that we will sit on it until after Easter. I like my boss but she has some flaws in her leadership.

My main concern is that my work which I like will now get more entangled with my situation at home. My boss could have easily chosen to not switch our seating arrangements, it's definitely not necessary. But I'm not really comfortable with trying to make her change her mind either.

What should I do? How bad is this change from your perspective? What comes to mind for you?

[15years]

Hi, a quick question.

I used to have my own office at work but due to organization changes a while back, I had to start sharing my office with my colleague, a man, and it has been working great. Now we are hiring more people, two more are added to my team, two young females to be precise. My boss is aware of my personal situation since two years back as I was forced to explain why I've been feeling low, she had noticed. Now she figured with two new employees coming to my team, they will need proper introduction and she chose me to be a tutor to one of them. She also decided without asking her employees opinions that we were going to switch roommates in the team, so that the new ones will share rooms with their tutor. So now my male colleague is supposed to move out and one of the new ones in.

You see where I'm going? This will no doubt lead to hours of discussion at home, and it's not an option to keep it a secret from her.

I'm a bit torn what I should do. I have spoken to my boss already and she understands my worry, but she still thinks we should proceed with her plan and I told her it's ultimately her decision. Partly because she doesn't have the guts to change her plan, which would seem weird considering she has already told everyone about the new arrangement. We agreed that we will sit on it until after Easter. I like my boss but she has some flaws in her leadership.

My main concern is that my work which I like will now get more entangled with my situation at home. My boss could have easily chosen to not switch our seating arrangements, it's definitely not necessary. But I'm not really comfortable with trying to make her change her mind either.

What should I do? How bad is this change from your perspective? What comes to mind for you?

[Cat Familiar]

Your wife has no standing in anything related to your colleagues at work and with whom you share an office. PERIOD.

That you even consider her opinion on this gives her some notion that she does. IT’S NONE OF HER BUSINESS. And you should treat it that way.

[ForeverDad]

Where are you in terms of your marriage?  Are both you and your spouse actively trying to make it work or is it just you?  If divorcing or pondering divorce, where are you in that process?  (This is the divorcing and post-divorce board after all.)

Frankly, in your time here you probably know a marriage cannot succeed without both spouses pulling their weight, so to speak.  It either moves forward... or it doesn't.

Cat Familiar was succinctly correct. "PERIOD" and "IT'S NONE OF HER BUSINESS".  It is work and often you don't get a choice or say in how work is structured.  Sure, you could always sacrifice work history and quit but would you find equivalent work elsewhere in today's poor economy - until the next incident arises?

Of course, a lot depends upon your own behavior patterns and personal standards.  We're sure you won't be having work huddles closed in the supply room, right?  This is all your spouse's fears and control needs.  And she demands total control, based on prior incidents.

Even if you manage to address this matter with your spouse, there will always be more such situations.  Your spouse does not TRUST you and there are no signs that her distorted perceptions will change.

It probably comes back to this, will the marriage succeed or will it be ending?  How long can you prolong that decision or acknowledgement?

[Notwendy]

Hi, a quick question.



I like my boss but she has some flaws in her leadership.


What should I do? How bad is this change from your perspective? What comes to mind for you?

She's the boss and can decide how she wants to run her office. She doesn't have to accommodate your wife's thinking. She's not a flawed leader. She's got the kind of boundaries it takes to lead. The marital issues of her employees are not her concern and they should not be. It's kind of her to be empathetic of you, but she isn't expected to change the work environment to suit your wife.

I agree with Cat, your wife doesn't get to dictate how your office is run. Just about every work situation involves both men and women and most of the time, people just do their work and that's all. Don't validate the invalid.

[15years]

Hi! I have changed my mind about this since I wrote post, because of your comments and because I talked to my boss about it. If this causes problems at home, it's sort of a natural consequence for staying in the marriage. I haven't even talked to my wife about it yet, so it has been all in my head so far, but I would be surprised if she doesn't react in any way.

Where are you in terms of your marriage?  

Me: Trying to improve my skills in not validating the invalid, thinking about the pink elephant idea a lot too. I have been noticing improvement in my own internal reactions, staying out of her twisted reality and observing her disordered thoughts from outside instead. But it's tiring.

Her: Endless thoughts and monologues about my EX's the last couple of weeks, she's not even angry very often, she's basically roasting them humorously and keeps going on about how these women are complete trash, turning every stone looking for flaws in them, I try to get work done in the kitchen and things like that while she's talking. I seldom say anything back but she finds energy to talk despite that. Sometimes I get irritated and ask her to talk about something else, but it doesn't work. I ask her to talk to someone else about this, but she ignores this. So I try to get things done in the home instead. When I'm not there, she scans the internet for information about them.

Us: She doesn't seem to think that I'm going anywhere, but I would't sign a contract to stay with her for the rest of my life for all the money in the world. I'm biding my time waiting for the right feeling and timing. Thinking that I will continue to get stronger, and I think I do get stronger every day. I can't see any chance of me committing to stay. I need to make a decision some day soon. Just not feeling it now.

Am I being naive here?

[Cat Familiar]

You’ve had plenty of time to see her patterns of behavior and what you experience now is what you will experience in the future, only maybe worse. She has no motivation to change and she won’t *get better* unless she thinks she has a problem and decides to do therapy. Even if she does, therapy for the kind of dysfunctional thinking and behavior she presents is a very long term process.

To return to your question, wondering if you are *naive* do you mean you are engaging in wishful thinking despite the evidence of what you regularly experience in your relationship?

[ForeverDad]

So you've been together over 15 years, during this time she's behaved worse.  The only thing making it "less bad" is that you've set boundaries and learned communication skills.  But she still has disordered perceptions and there's no indication she will change.

she's basically roasting them humorously and keeps going on about how these women are complete trash, turning every stone looking for flaws in them

Am I being naive here?

How can you live with a person who literally has total disrespect for other women?  That is such negativity you live with.

Yet I've been there.  Once my son was born my then-spouse became even more unhinged.  I was accused of staring at women, even old women at the crosswalk!  After a rare visit to my workplace I was told she couldn't visit again, for other issues they noticed.  Yes, I tried to manage it but I couldn't.  Conflict heightened, demands increased, especially late into the night.  Our marriage imploded one weekend but it had already been failing for a year and more.  The divorce was long and difficult but final 15 years ago.  Life gradually improved.  Especially for my son, now grown.

Why do you persist on swimming with the piranhas?  Maybe they'll be nice?  That's a comparison I wrote recently to another member here.  Yes, you have two young children, one is already in school, so you can't make a totally clean break, she's a parent too.  So yes, you may have to keep a foot in the water, so to speak, with some parenting contact but at least being constantly nibbled and worse would be greatly limited.

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry, sometimes I tell it as I see it, whether it's complete or not.  My last post asked why it's so hard for you to resolve your 'stuck' dilemma.  I just read this comment.  Ponder whether it is so hard for both of you because of all the waffling and lack of clarity and decision?

Hey all, just wanted to give an update... He begged for me back, but eventually I had to tell him that I wanted a divorce. For some reason it calmed him down—I think the in-between was what made him anxious.

[livednlearned]

Us: She doesn't seem to think that I'm going anywhere, but I would't sign a contract to stay with her for the rest of my life for all the money in the world. I'm biding my time waiting for the right feeling and timing. Thinking that I will continue to get stronger, and I think I do get stronger every day. I can't see any chance of me committing to stay. I need to make a decision some day soon. Just not feeling it now.

Am I being naive here?

One thing that strikes me about your post is that it's about managing your boss to appease your wife so your situation is easier at home.

A different way to look at it is: Are you focusing on your stuff? If not, why? What is it that you might be avoiding that you could focus on?

You're presented with a relatively minor change at work and it triggers what seems like a fear response. You come here to solicit feedback and it has a bit of triangulation to it. You'd like people here to agree that the boss is not great for being insensitive to your needs. Your wife has done nothing at this point.

People here don't want to validate the invalid so they don't pick up the thread about your boss and this makes you feel _______?

Is there anything happening here that we can help you see?

It's great you're building strength. A lot of strength will probably start to flow (not without pain) when you focus less on your wife (though she obviously has issues) and look at how you're managing the way you respond to things when she's not involved.

The scenario you shared isn't just about your boss, the young coworkers, your wife. It's also probably a pattern. You are presented with a challenge and the way you solve it is by doing ________ hoping for ________ to happen. When it doesn't, you ___________. And then you ____________.

I'm not an expert, just a peer. Your post makes me wonder how you're feeling about the feedback you're getting here.

A woman in a therapeutic group I was part of once said to me, What kind of feedback do you want us to give you?

It really threw me. In the beginning, I think I needed validation that my ex was a super bad dude. After I got that, I got a bit stuck.

I don't think anyone here will disagree that your wife has major issues and treats you badly. You can come here and get that feedback all day long.

Is that enough for you?

Gavin de Becker (author of Gift of Fear) wrote that the first time you're hit you're a victim. The second time you're a volunteer. Harsh! It's his way to communicate that volunteers have a say.

I'm not suggesting you make a decision to stay or go. In fact, that's probably a distraction to focus on that given you admitted you aren't ready.

Maybe start by taking conversations about your wife as a cue to move that attention to yourself. Look at what's coming up for you.

Your female boss ignored your needs and it hurt.

You tell us she lacks guts because she won't change her plan.

To apply your own question back to you: What comes to mind for you?

[15years]

Hi livednlearned, good to hear from you!

"Your post makes me wonder how you're feeling about the feedback you're getting here.?"
I'm concerned to hear that I might be giving the impression that I want people to agree with me. Communicating here with you all has a positive effect on my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes its hard to read your replies, but I process everything and it keeps me evolving.

I still worry about the office change though. I don't blame my boss and I think it was good leadership to not get drawn in to my world of worry.

I wanted to fill in these blanks:
People here don't want to validate the invalid so they don't pick up the thread about your boss and this makes you feel _relieved / embarrassed / misunderstood_? :D

You are presented with a challenge and the way you solve it is by _trying to avoid problems_ hoping for _inner peace - happiness_ to happen. When it doesn't, you _accept the situation_. And then you _wait for the bomb to explode (and feeling a bit too comfortable being a victim maybe) _.

"Is there anything happening here that we can help you see?" - You already do, every time I write here. I know that I'm having problems with wanting to be liked by everyone, which fills my W with hate. I try to avoid wanting to be liked in the way I talk, write or feel, but it finds its way back. I always wonder - is this real, is it just my wife making me believe this - or is it both?



The two new employees started this week but the office change will happen later this spring. Embarrassingly I'm already feeling delighted to be around one of them (I'm weak, it's out of my control ), and I'm afraid W will be able to smell it no matter what I say to her. She will analyze everything in my tone of voice and choice of words and go on about it until I explode and give her some harsh words of truth that "I might not think she is ugly" or something like that. She doesn't accept "no emotion" so I would need to make up emotions I don't have. Saying something like "I'm not feeling anything about this person" will only make her more suspicious.

Of course, I could avoid telling her about any of it and hope that I leave the r/s before she finds out... which could be years from now anyway because she has only visited my office twice in ten years... So maybe that is the best option? My boss even suggested this to me.

[15years]

To return to your question, wondering if you are *naive* do you mean you are engaging in wishful thinking despite the evidence of what you regularly experience in your relationship?

I mean, am I being naive, thinking that I need to wait to get strong enough to leave.

[15years]

So you've been together over 15 years, during this time she's behaved worse.  The only thing making it "less bad" is that you've set boundaries and learned communication skills.  But she still has disordered perceptions and there's no indication she will change.

How can you live with a person who literally has total disrespect for other women?  That is such negativity you live with.

You can live with anything that doesn't cause an immediate death I suppose But I do not live my life like I want to right now.

[babyducks]

hello 15years

I hope you don't mind me joining the conversation a little bit late.   I've been reading and following along for a while.

a lot of what you write reminds me of,  well me.   I thought I would chime in.

one of the things I struggled with in therapy for an extremely long time was/is
'where do my (own) feelings come from?'   
and its close cousin
'who is in charge of my feelings/thoughts?'

  I always wonder - is this real, is it just my wife making me believe this - or is it both?

what I sometimes notice about the way you write is that you appear to function occasionally from the place of 'someone else is making me feel/think this thing'.

if you really sat down and thought hard about it, where do you think your thoughts and feelings come from?  where do they spring from?

could your wife come along and make you believe it's a good idea to rob banks?  Okay that's a ridiculous example but play with for a minute.   I bet you said something like 'absolutely not I know robbing banks is wrong.'

interesting huh.      the idea of robbing banks gets no purchase with you because you ~know~ its wrong.   and your wife couldn't convince you otherwise.

but this other stuff, it does find purchase, you do play with it in your head, turning it over and over looking for insights and answers and comfortability.    so what's the difference between robbing banks as a topic, and sharing offices?   

the difference, bluntly put, is you.   

I struggled a long time in therapy with the idea that I am in charge of how I feel, what I think, how I respond, how I approach things.   I am responsible for my own feelings.

I used to give these examples to the therapist.    if my house burned down, that event is going to cause me to feel sad... so see its Events that make People Feel things.     to which she would reply 'house fires are sad, but you could also be feeling gratitude that you got yourself and the dogs out in time'.

Embarrassingly I'm already feeling delighted to be around one of them (I'm weak, it's out of my control ), and I'm afraid W will be able to smell it no matter what I say to her.

her point was how we feel about anything is more in our control that we tend to give ourselves credit for.   

the therapist gave me an assignment one time to illustrate the point.    she asked me how I was feeling and I said 'eh pretty neutral, nothing going on right now'.

so she said 'I want you to feel excited'.   Feel the most incredible feeling of excitement that you can generate.    So I did.   really worked at it.   spent 10 minutes, and at the end I could say... yeah I feel excited.

she asked me how I got there.   so I told her all the things I was thinking about to generate that feeling of excitement.   winning a lottery prize, taking a long trip,  performing well in a sporting event.

and she said, 'see it's what you think, it's the stories that we tell ourselves that generate our emotions and reactions.'    and then I could finally see it.   

yeah those automatic thoughts that popped into my head like clockwork were what caused me to react/respond/feel in certain ways.   those automatic thoughts were so engrained in me, I never noticed them, and certainly didn't think I had any responsibility to push them in one direction or another.

I actually have choices about what I think.   and so do you.   you can think 'your wife is going to smell fear on you'.   or you can take some of your own power/agency back and say, 'I'm a capable adult who can handle being around new people.'

what do you think?

'ducks

[Notwendy]

The two new employees started this week but the office change will happen later this spring. Embarrassingly I'm already feeling delighted to be around one of them (I'm weak, it's out of my control ), and I'm afraid W will be able to smell it no matter what I say to her. She will analyze everything in my tone of voice and choice of words and go on about it until I explode and give her some harsh words of truth that "I might not think she is ugly" or something like that. She doesn't accept "no emotion" so I would need to make up emotions I don't have. Saying something like "I'm not feeling anything about this person" will only make her more suspicious.

Of course, I could avoid telling her about any of it and hope that I leave the r/s before she finds out... which could be years from now anyway because she has only visited my office twice in ten years... So maybe that is the best option? My boss even suggested this to me.

There seems to be only two ways to relate to women in your wife's viewpoint- either you completely avoid them or you must want to have sex with them. I wonder if, due to being together since you were teens, you might share this viewpoint to some extent. It's actually possible to have a working relationship and not be in either situation but this requires clear personal boundaries.

You are not weak if you feel some kind of attraction, you are human. Our noticing that someone is attractive or appealing does not stop if we are married. This is our basic biology- we are wired for that. Where you need to not be weak is with your choice of behavior about that. You may not be able to control a feeling, but you can control your actions and your choices and if you don't want to mess up your job and your personal life , you will behave accordingly. As long as you have done nothing, your wife's imagination does not change that fact.

The other idea on your wife's part is that every woman you relate to must be into you. You have no idea about this co-worker's private life. Maybe she's married, or has a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. Likely she doesn't want to mess up her job with an inter-office affair or her personal life.

There are many reasons to "not cross that line" besides fear of how your wife might react. Don't believe you are "weak". You are in charge of your behaviors.

[ForeverDad]

Back in the final years of my marriage I didn't quite stutter, well, maybe I did, but I found myself constantly pausing to ponder every single word I spoke for fear of triggering yet another tirade, criticism or rage.  And of course she used any possible sexual overtones and innuendos as a weapon.  They make great guilt trips, even if you're largely innocent.  That had never been my idea of life.  Yet I did keep trying far longer than many people would today.  Why?

There's a truism there... Why did those of us here end up in long relationships with such troubled people?  Because most other people wouldn't and didn't stay and suffer with them.

Though I have chronic health impacts now from those stressful times back then, I am more relaxed and don't stutter now.  I count that as a positive outcome well worth the pain of (being essentially forced into) making my choice.

[15years]

hello 15years

I hope you don't mind me joining the conversation a little bit late.   I've been reading and following along for a while.

I definitely don't mind, I like hearing your point of view.

I actually have choices about what I think.   and so do you.   you can think 'your wife is going to smell fear on you'.   or you can take some of your own power/agency back and say, 'I'm a capable adult who can handle being around new people.'

what do you think?

'ducks

Kind of like cognitive behavioral therapy? It's hard with racing thoughts to slow down and try to feel something else but I have learned that it takes time to slow down. Maybe I should start taking regular 15 min walks or something.

I think the tendency to analyze things and 'think' too much can sometimes be counterproductive and become neurotic (though I'm not that familiar with that term to be honest).

What am I supposed to think in the case of the office change. I'm 99 % sure it will be a problem. How I talk about it with W will be analyzed by her to no end, she will ask the names of my colleagues and if I give it to her, she will research them and make up reasons why they are terrible people. Is the only way to handle this to not engage in the discussions? What makes me uncomfortable here is that I would need to ignore her when she's saying half truths. Like the fact that I will find some women attractive, although I don't intend to act on it. My wife wouldn't accept that explanation so I need to ignore the question completely. Me on the other hand, if I don't mean what I say, it's physically uncomfortable. Then again, saying everything that is true is not realistic. She is asking all the things that shouldn't be asked.

[15years]

The other idea on your wife's part is that every woman you relate to must be into you.

You're right about that!

My wife thinks this because she knows that she would be "into me" if she were a new woman at my work place. I'm not a flirty person and has worked mostly with women my entire work life. On rare occasions I can feel attracted to co-workers, but I have never had problems handling that, and the better I get to know them, the more my feelings become friendly. I'm not that skilled at noticing if someone flirts with me. My wife knows this and thinks that I'm being too friendly if someone is 'out to get me'. I think this is some sort of histrionic trait in her. She thinks a lot about sex and attraction. At the same time she wants to see herself as sexually innocent.

If I had myself as a partner, knowing all that I know about myself, I would feel rather safe.

[15years]

Though I have chronic health impacts now from those stressful times back then, I am more relaxed and don't stutter now.  I count that as a positive outcome well worth the pain of (being essentially forced into) making my choice.

I feel like my body is falling apart, every season there is a new health issue that seems to become chronic. I read a post here last year about someone who noticed that her back pains / stomach pains (don't remember) went away as soon as the relationship ended. Now you mention you still have health impacts from those stressful times. That makes me worried for what I may be developing. Sad to hear about your chronic health issues.

[Notwendy]

As much as your wife objectifies men as toxic male sex fiends who have no control, her attitude towards women is similar. It's  demeaning to women to assume any woman you work with, even if there is attraction involved,  just can't resist a fling.

I guess you can consider yourself fortunate if your wife is that into you, but to assume that every female co-worker is going to be after you is also objectifying them. If this is how men and women are when they are together, no work would get done, and a lot of marriages would break up. I think it's already been said that your wife's ideas are not in line with reality. Yes sometimes affairs happen, but not as much as she may assume.

Your part here is to not buy into this. Even if your co-worker came on to you, it would take both of you for anything to happen. As long as you hold your boundaries- whatever she thinks or says doesn't change that.

[ForeverDad]

Your part here is to not buy into this. Even if your co-worker came on to you, it would take both of you for anything to happen. As long as you hold your boundaries- whatever she thinks or says doesn't change that.

Based on past incidents, could/would your spouse create a scene in the work parking lot?

[15years]

Based on past incidents, could/would your spouse create a scene in the work parking lot?

Probably could be possible, but she would need something to justify it with. She needs something to make her think she's not crazy.

[15years]

Game is on, I told her yesterday that there will be changes at the office. And she quite soon asked if I were to share an office with a young female. Already some alarming reactions, one of them being that she's thinking of showing up at work to see what kind of girl my room mate is. She was upset by the news and told me in frustration that she hates all young girls/women. So I'm sure she will find reasons to view my new room mate as an enemy, and rant about what a piece of trash she is.

Next step, she will ask me what her full name is and google her A LOT, surely. And I will learn a lot about my new colleague from her online stalking. And I will feel guilty for giving her the information (the name) she needs for doing that. But I can't justify not sharing basic information about my room mate with my wife either.

[Notwendy]

Next step, she will ask me what her full name is and google her A LOT, surely. And I will learn a lot about my new colleague from her online stalking. And I will feel guilty for giving her the information (the name) she needs for doing that. But I can't justify not sharing basic information about my room mate with my wife either.

Agreed. To hide the information is a form of walking on eggshells. It might be for the better if your wife shows up at work with disruptive behavior, or gets called out for stalking. This way she might receive mental health intervention.

[livednlearned]

I was thinking the same thing as Notwendy.

Your wife's public behavior about her internal delusions and paranoia might bring in some much-needed sunlight.

She is not well.

[ForeverDad]

My employer meet with me after my then-spouse had visited my office.  Though she didn't create scenes on the scale your spouse would - it was more on the level of distractions and unsettling feedback - I was told in no uncertain words that she could not visit me again at work.

I have an alternate perspective on names.  Knowing what your spouse has done in the past and what she's very likely to do again, I'd be inclined to ask your boss whether such details your spouse demands - even just names - should be restricted to the workplace.  If that is your boss's instruction, then your spouse can be told workplace restricts some information about other employees.

In other words, shift the "blame" from you to the workplace, let your boss be the "Bad Guy", just blame it on workplace policy/rules/instructions.  You probably need this Strategic Maneuver because you know your spouse will wheedle or ultimatum it out of you otherwise.

Yes, she may still show up at your workplace even without a name or description and if that happens then what LnL and nW wrote would certainly apply.

I remember when I took my young son with me on a vacation.  She sought an Amber Alert on me but the deputy on duty at the sheriff's office wrote in the log that her complaint didn't meet the requirement for Amber Alerts.  See what he did?  He didn't have to refuse, all he needed to say is it didn't meet the rules for such an action.  The deputy deflected her from anger at the deputy onto the "rules".  How do you yell at "rules"?  (However, she did go on and file a complaint anyway but that is a whole other story, got the sheriff's investigator very, very angry at her.)

[15years]

I'm not sure this kind of odd behavior would lead to any consequences, things tend to not have dramatic consequences in my culture. Which I think in general is a good thing. Besides, I don't think she would cause a scene at my work place. She would show up and make it seem natural, the only thing that would seem off is me acting nervously out of fear of embarrassment.

[Notwendy]

It seems like the people who are most affected by your wife's behaviors then are you and your children. It's possible she may not have the ability or motivation to change. It then is up to you to decide what to do about your home situation, remain as it is, or make a change for yourself and the kids.

[livednlearned]

I'm not sure this kind of odd behavior would lead to any consequences, things tend to not have dramatic consequences in my culture. Which I think in general is a good thing. Besides, I don't think she would cause a scene at my work place. She would show up and make it seem natural, the only thing that would seem off is me acting nervously out of fear of embarrassment.

I'm thinking of the scene at the school. Wasn't that part of your story? Maybe I'm confusing it with someone else here.

I thought your wife showed up and threw a fit because there was a connection between your child's female teacher and you, or perhaps it was your concern that a scene might occur.

My ex contacted two of my bosses. Their response was to give the philanthropic organization that funded our work a heads up. HR was contacted and campus police made an appearance and encouraged my boss to relocate me to a temporary office. I was assigned a different parking spot. Someone from my office walked me to my car each night as a protective measure.

Your wife is still with you so different measures might occur. My point is that behavior out of the realm of ordinary has consequences unless we stop them from occurring.

It sounds like showing up at your office is not something you're too concerned about, at least in terms of her behavior.

[15years]

I'm thinking of the scene at the school. Wasn't that part of your story? Maybe I'm confusing it with someone else here.

I thought your wife showed up and threw a fit because there was a connection between your child's female teacher and you, or perhaps it was your concern that a scene might occur.

My ex contacted two of my bosses. Their response was to give the philanthropic organization that funded our work a heads up. HR was contacted and campus police made an appearance and encouraged my boss to relocate me to a temporary office. I was assigned a different parking spot. Someone from my office walked me to my car each night as a protective measure.

Your wife is still with you so different measures might occur. My point is that behavior out of the realm of ordinary has consequences unless we stop them from occurring.

It sounds like showing up at your office is not something you're too concerned about, at least in terms of her behavior.

Yes the scene at school was part of my story, but she approached my ex when nobody else was present. What I meant was she's less likely to cause a scene in front of many neutral people. But you have got a point, I wouldn't be surprised by almost anything at this point.

I'm concerned about the embarrassment and stress from her potentially visiting. And everything that could get weird in the long run because nobody would understand anything if she would start to share her views, but I understand the situation and the only way to explain it to neural people would be to say that my wife has a mental disorder, which I couldn't say to many people because it sounds like I'm a controlling husband. And if I don't say anything people will assume she and I are a team, which is one of the fears I have in terms of embarrassment.

It seems like the people who are most affected by your wife's behaviors then are you and your children. It's possible she may not have the ability or motivation to change. It then is up to you to decide what to do about your home situation, remain as it is, or make a change for yourself and the kids.

After two years of constant rumination on if and/or how to end the "relationship" I feel so indecisive. Wondering if I'm starting to feel too comfortable in my misery.

[ForeverDad]

Stay in a bad situation long enough and yes it can become your "comfort zone", not that you like it but making a change from the status quo can be difficult.

[livednlearned]

Wondering if I'm starting to feel too comfortable in my misery.

When you don't have a high-conflict, abusive, violent, jealous, paranoid spouse you are left to pay close attention to yourself, warts and all.

I found it quite painful to not be consumed by someone else's drama.

It is embarrassing to admit that.

I think it's part of codependency.

[15years]

It's the little things too... Thinking "I really look forward to making dinner tonight" makes me think, "Wait, I'm feeling excited, maybe it's not too bad to go on."

Or if she seems happy and almost normal, for example when we cooperate in matters concerning the children, I might think "This could be a decent family life... Maybe I can tolerate the disorder.

But then again, when she gets dysfunctional, which happens about every other day, I KNOW that I can't tolerate it. And I'm feeling more exhausted every month.

[Cat Familiar]

Wishful thinking can keep us in intolerable situations. Facing reality is painful.

[livednlearned]

15years, your relationship is violent so I'm not sure it's the same as the "ambivalent relationship" the author discusses here (Adam Grant, a prominent organizational psychologist in the US), but he sort of gets at the challenges when you are treated badly then well by a pathologic personality: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/28/opinion/frenemies-relationships-health.html