6 months out — The 100% recovery

[capecodling]

I am 6 months out post breakup, of a relationship that lasted 18 months.I have maintained NC except at the very beginning she contacted me.  I have been posting updates every month on my healing progress, measured in a rather nerdy way by percentage in each category.

It was a bit surprising because a few weeks before the 6 month mark I was feeling like I had some setbacks in my healing, nothing too drastic but it was enough to feel some doubt and really question myself, but its always good to remember that progress isn’t always in a straight line.

What was the thing that finally healed me and pushed me over the line?  Its probably something different for each of us.  For me I needed to internalize 2 things:

1) We all have this point in our recovery, its not when we are fully recovered but its when we’ve made enough progress that we can actually see our progress.  I’ve talked to others who have been through this and its like you have this moment where you see the progress you’ve made over X period of time, and you realize if you extrapolate that forward (ie you keep doing the things you’ve been doing) there will come a point in the future where your pain will be all the way down to zero.  Its like at that point, there is this moment of clarity and you say to yourself “i’m going to be ok.”  This comes after months of wondering and doubting if you will ever be ok.  And its a massive relief.  And more importantly, you internalize that and start to really believe it at your core.

2). Understanding and internalizing how this really was all about my issues and had very little to do with her — Throughout the recovery there was always this nagging part of me saying “yeah yeah, but what if she was this special unreplaceable unicorn and that’s the real reason this breakup is so difficult.”. Because my trauma bonded brain found a lot of reasons to support this false belief (it was the best sex you’ve ever had; those initial weeks and months of love bombing were the best relationship you’ve ever had; that time you gazed into each others eyes was the most special moment you’ve ever had.). Then something happens and it shows you those “unicorn” memories and ruminations are built on the toxic foundation of your own trauma.  Like maybe you have a great moment of connection with someone else, or develop limerent feelings for a new person.  Or maybe you’re away from the person long enough that suddenly their memories have no sting.  Or what happened for me, I read a book on limerence and realized several of the case studies described me exactly 100%.

I wanted to share some of those insights because hopefully someone out there will have similar points of overlap in their healing.  Also, if you’re just starting out, I was where you were at one point, wondering if i would ever get better.  Just remember to keep chipping away at it each day, a little at a time.

I fully expect that I’ll continue to struggle with some of these same issues moving forward.  Maybe even temporarily fall backward, but I’ve had a sustained multiple week glimpse now of full recovery (my my BPD breakup) and i feel like I can’t unsee what I’ve seen these past few weeks.   

[Pook075]

Great stuff and thanks so much for sharing!  I'm 15 months out (of a 24 year relationship) and I still occasionally have setbacks- the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving has been rough because it's about her family, people I've loved for over half my life.  But I finally accepted that I don't have to be there for turkey-time and I'll be absolutely fine doing my own thing and celebrating the holidays with my kids on Black Friday.

I shared that to say that ruminations are normal; there were some great memories and it's okay to think about them that way.  It's just finding that balance between letting the past go and holding onto fond memories. 

[SaltyDawg]

Or what happened for me, I read a book on limerence and realized several of the case studies described me exactly 100%.

[...]

I fully expect that I’ll continue to struggle with some of these same issues moving forward.  Maybe even temporarily fall backward, but I’ve had a sustained multiple week glimpse now of full recovery (my my BPD breakup) and i feel like I can’t unsee what I’ve seen these past few weeks.   

capecodling,

   It sounds like you are doing great at your recovery.  Different people progress at different rates, and it sounds like you are ahead of the curve.  I am happy for you, and it sounds like you are doing a lot of self-care.

   I was wondering if you could share the specific book on limerence that you mentioned, it sounds like it could be helpful to me and others.

   Thanks for sharing.  Take care with self-care.

SD

[Augustine]

What a happy coincidence that in a fit of boredom I should return here tonight, and find you in this state!

Naturally, I had to sign-in and offer you my heartfelt congratulations, my friend. You made it!

I will always remember you fondly, as your presence was invaluable when I was stewing in the blackest hell. This applies to Pook as well, and the wisdom of Once Removed.

We all reach a point when you see that what keeps us locked in our problems is the inability to recognize that ways of life that served us in the past may morph from being promoters of our well being, to acute causes of our suffering.

I wish you every happiness, Capecodling.

To those of you just beginning this journey: first and foremost, be kind to yourself. You’ve experienced the equivalent of surviving an aircraft accident, and it will take time to heal.

Secondly, once you close the door on your past, healing is occurring continuously, but at a pace that is imperceptible.

Lastly, your journey will likely be disquieting, but allow yourself the time to be reflective.

[capecodling]

Great stuff and thanks so much for sharing!  I'm 15 months out (of a 24 year relationship) and I still occasionally have setbacks- the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving has been rough because it's about her family, people I've loved for over half my life.  But I finally accepted that I don't have to be there for turkey-time and I'll be absolutely fine doing my own thing and celebrating the holidays with my kids on Black Friday.

I shared that to say that ruminations are normal; there were some great memories and it's okay to think about them that way.  It's just finding that balance between letting the past go and holding onto fond memories. 

I agree with you, that ruminations are normal and were actually part of the healing process because you can tell by how strong and frequent they are, approximately how far along you are in healing.   I don't think you need to necessarily forget those memories either, just let them reach a place where they have none of the emotional charge and pain behind them.   Its weird to think that's even possible to do when you are caught up in them.

[capecodling]

capecodling,

   It sounds like you are doing great at your recovery.  Different people progress at different rates, and it sounds like you are ahead of the curve.  I am happy for you, and it sounds like you are doing a lot of self-care.

   I was wondering if you could share the specific book on limerence that you mentioned, it sounds like it could be helpful to me and others.

   Thanks for sharing.  Take care with self-care.

SD

Thank you.  I did make healing a priority and did a lot of things which may have helped it go faster (somatic therapy, psychedelic therapy, 100% no contact, books, meditations, breathwork, cold shower, daily gym workouts, etc.) The recovery from this one was faster than the previous BPD breakup -- in the previous breakup I didn't do any of those things, and didn't even know what BPD or a trauma bond was.

To answer your question, the book that really helped me the most was called "The Limerent Mind" because it so exactly described what I was going through, and have struggled with my whole life.

[capecodling]

What a happy coincidence that in a fit of boredom I should return here tonight, and find you in this state!

Naturally, I had to sign-in and offer you my heartfelt congratulations, my friend. You made it!

I will always remember you fondly, as your presence was invaluable when I was stewing in the blackest hell. This applies to Pook as well, and the wisdom of Once Removed.

We all reach a point when you see that what keeps us locked in our problems is the inability to recognize that ways of life that served us in the past may morph from being promoters of our well being, to acute causes of our suffering.

I wish you every happiness, Capecodling.

To those of you just beginning this journey: first and foremost, be kind to yourself. You’ve experienced the equivalent of surviving an aircraft accident, and it will take time to heal.

Secondly, once you close the door on your past, healing is occurring continuously, but at a pace that is imperceptible.

Lastly, your journey will likely be disquieting, but allow yourself the time to be reflective.

Hey!  I'm glad you checked back here.  It was helpful having you along for this journey, we both were in the deepest, darkest stages of hell around the same time and I found that to be oddly grounding, that there was someone else who understood so well what I was going through.   Everything you said always resonated so closely with whatever I was experiencing.   I'm glad to hear from you and hope you are continuing to do well!

[SinisterComplex]

Hey!  I'm glad you checked back here.  It was helpful having you along for this journey, we both were in the deepest, darkest stages of hell around the same time and I found that to be oddly grounding, that there was someone else who understood so well what I was going through.   Everything you said always resonated so closely with whatever I was experiencing.   I'm glad to hear from you and hope you are continuing to do well!

CC, that is why coming here can be so helpful....we all "get it" here. The outside world such as family and friends while supportive can also be a source of frustration because they do not get it. Happy you came to us and happy you have grown and gotten better. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Pook075]

Hey!  I'm glad you checked back here.  It was helpful having you along for this journey, we both were in the deepest, darkest stages of hell around the same time and I found that to be oddly grounding, that there was someone else who understood so well what I was going through.   Everything you said always resonated so closely with whatever I was experiencing.   I'm glad to hear from you and hope you are continuing to do well!

It's funny how the saying, "Misery loves company" is 100% true and a complete lie all at the same time.  It's true because we were able to normalize our feelings and think about our situations differently through one another.  Yet it's also a lie because none of us wanted to be miserable...misery loves misery and we were all determined to get on a different path.

I talked to my soon to be ex-wife for awhile yesterday and realized that she's also grown a lot since splitting up and found some new passions in life.  Six months ago I probably couldn't have been happy for her, but now I'm thankful that she's been able to find the next phase of her life as well.  I really hope you guys are able to get there one day because my regrets are essentially gone and I see most of the full picture.

My wife left because she was broken, but I had no idea how broken I was as well.  We had settled for just surviving in a lousy marriage for far too long, and the intense pain I felt was actually my own fault for being so co-dependent on someone who couldn't love me for me.  I am so thankful those feelings finally rose to the surface and I was able to start being me once again, it's such a blessing.